for a world that doesnt exist
for a universe that stands still
contact:
relacon@gmail.com
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DAILY INSPIRATION:
this day, i pray
this day, i smile
this day, i wish u all the best!
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wat u want to abt me?
and why?
how much can u find out,
when i dun even know
who i am?
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Friday, November 07, 2008
in truth, she discarded self to own expectations to meet make beliefs.
not meeting other expectations is a fallacy, maybe a conjured lie for reality escapism.
upon self autospy, the results show others could let her be, but she couldnt.
the verdict is thus simple and straight: she cant accept herself. she just cant
and assuming most people cant, because she used her personal yardstick which she slapped herself with, and called it theirs.
subsequently, hopping from one to another, hoping that just one other entity could accept her.
when all fails ultimately, she pushes the blame to others, and think it is then her calling to be an outcast.
how conveniently stroking and patting her own back, comforting that it is okay to be alone. the act of lying to herself that she can be herself only when as an island, virtually disables all emotional trust and belief. this act of betrayal to kind ppl who are willing to condone her actions drives a deeper rift in her.
5:39 AM |
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008
an ear, or a mouth
i am just so tired
fucking tired!!!!
yeah i am pmsing.
or rather it struck like the same time it came!
every1 is miserable
u tell urself that becuase u make urself better
hell true
4:17 AM |
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008
was talking about jo about some1 who din seem to appreciate what she had. and i realised she is that of age and she needed to be wakened up but seriously i dunno
some pple just are like this
but it shed some light into my thinking and no matter how old and how much u have gone through, sometimes, we just cant think straight at all
i think blaming is fine but to the extend of constant accusation of something which is definitely, not its entirety belongs to others only.
she has to bear some of e consequences whilst all along, every1 has to choice to choose. and ultimately she made her own choice. that is an definite undisputable fact.
What i find it frustrating is, after all her complaints, she failed to see all these. it is not my problem, seriously.
it is almost finding myself getting irrtated with myself when i complain over something for a period of time, intensively.
i find myself very angsty and it kept me away from thinking logically and making the best decision.
thats how i feel and irregardless of how the aftermath of the situation will be, she lacks the basic yet critical mind to self evaluate under the mircoscopic lens. maybe it hurts but thats how we grow.
the sheer action of tearing oneself apart and piecing it back again is excruciating and painstakingly slow.
i just guess or rather assume, if lamenting has becoming her character, it is only for her to lose out what is best for her (in my opinion, of course) and her lacking for self judgement.
she is a highly defensive lady who bears no point to listen even to herself.
she jumps to conclusions on things without constant reminder of what discerning is, within the realms of her controlled thinking, to believe or takes with a pinch of salt.
i agree, completely and soulfully, that no one has that fortune to feel for the true, simple happiness of having love, being loved and thought of if one just goes for monetary and materialistical happiness.
in pursuit of happiness, we tend to seek temporary comfort in things easily obtained. it is very inevitable for momentarily happiness swept as true happiness.
i felt that and i felt so empty afterwhich. hence i realised what is deemed like necessity turns out to be just pure superficial pleasure.
i rather be loved and cared for while i do the same for pple ard me. that brings alot of happiness because afterall, who are we if we never love and be loved.
1:55 AM |
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Friday, June 06, 2008
http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/loving-family-adopts-romanian-orphan/article54458.html
i actually teared, reading this story.
am i mad or wat!?
i will do something...
10:06 PM |
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now working but i just need to post this up.
haha...
food for thought and i must be pmsing to sound this fiery upset.
this is an email (exercpt with modifications) to HS...
low self esteem vs compassion
facts of cold, inhumane society can drown one into eternal ridicule.
how pple judge a women just because she is pretty and therefore assuming she only wants good looking pple and or rich pple to be around her.
has sincerity and thrill of seeking a higher level of consciousness from peers gone with the wind? has intellect gone wayward as much as money has driven this whole world into its own destruction???
where has compassion gone to when it is essential in daily, insignificant happenings, between just a human and a human?
does that only go to where castatrophies are and simply ignore the little yet crucial daily personal encouragement?
is beauty deemed only to sheer symmetrical, flawless face with the nose this high and skin that tender covered by nothing but miniature clothings??
or is it the 6 pacs and unquestionable tight muscles wanting to burst out of the dark toned wrapping means nothing but just pure sexual connection
i remembered this....
a few guy frens have mentioned this to me that low self esteem comes mostly because of physical flaws like too short or not good looking.
and they actually mentioned, well, i guess u will never know how it feels like to be in our shoes.
i am alittle puzzled and while still baffling over those words. i realised it is already mind intriguing that men place low self esteem in the plate of topics, with a girl
i have had my fair share of low self esteem. being branded as ugly duckling by someone close is something i have lived during childhood. so dun tell me i wont undersatnd because it aches till this day but i have lived with it and moved on.
i am who i want to be thus, this is just another episode for attaining higher consciousness
i remembered telling a few frens thess (be it girls or boys)
it is more than just looks that matter in any way! and i think u r just fine being who u r....because i think if one has a good char that makes his or her look endearing and sweet and beautiful in the beholders eyes...(seriously...tats wat i feel lor....no matter how much make up and how many branded goods u carry, if ur char sucks, u can go hell....esp when ur aura is BLACK....)
some frens actually looked at me in disbelief...so? if i am being attractive to men, does that mean i am superficial? dun use ur own yardstick to size me up!
also i am not lying through my teeth!!!!
at that point, i thot, if i am so superficial opr lying, i think most frens no need to be my frens.... hahahaha...but wat i love abt frens are, they are my frens!
and i am NEVER not proud to go out with guy frens who arent good looking or rich or watsoever...
further more, if some1, just that some1 ever judge u like becuase u r not good looking, and even claim u as UGLY... this u should walk away...u deserve better!!!!
if a girl dumps u for ur looks. good for u, coz u broke away from insincere girls!!! seriously! get a life!
if one day, i have a bf who is balding badly or wat, waht others will think (which i do not see it as a problem anyhow? i happy can liao)
they must be thinking that guy must be rich. because of how i look, pretty (mostly because of make up) dressed up? PK will claim oh..must believe it is zhen ai!
HA.
let me look forth with jeers and with a light heart, skipping myself into the sea of mockery.
how nice.
2:34 AM |
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Wednesday, April 09, 2008
the moment has come brightly shining,
the eyes are drowned in sorrow so dark,
no light can penetrate.
the moment has passed swiftly fast,
the eyes sense its departure so sharp,
no realisation can grow.
10:58 PM |
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Thursday, March 27, 2008
Dear frens!!!!
i have set up another blog at
relaconswissed.blogspot.com
to attach all my swissland fun!
do drop by and give comments!!!!
i will still update this blog occasionally.
love ya.
4:53 PM |
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Thursday, February 07, 2008
happy lunar new year!
i am flying to swissland for 1 year!!!!
so much mixed feelings about work and stuff.
but yeah it is good that i can go and explore new stuff!!!
i wish i can be learning alot of things!
maybe i also can find a swiss man!!! heeheee
wish me luck pple!
12:49 AM |
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Saturday, January 19, 2008
hey there!
here i am, wanting to lament once again.
i guess, this is my best outlet without feeling guilty about anything and stuff.
so wish i can just stay away.
chatting with him made me realise, i am such a big failure
that's the only thing that kept hitting my head
i am a failure?
i have to admit i have lost a war
and i will admit that i have lost it
i will
4:00 AM |
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008
now do i realise, even doing overtime can be a habit
something you and your body, your mind can get used to
i am now, temporarily i hope, used to overtiming
and i am still doing work!
i just want to finish this accurately and fast.
i do need a new direction.
i do not want to feel tired over things over humans.
deep inside i feel it is so sad to be tired, to be giving up
but maybe i should give up.
all i am looking for now, is just slowly finding my way around.
really slowing down...
11:48 PM |
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Tuesday, December 04, 2007
3rd Oct 2007
The start of PMS, a vicious cycle of a month can't stop the fury boiling in my blood.
Interesting choice of words with a touch of humour, I wonder how much I can absorb.
Shrouded by fatigue and sizzling fury, I wonder if I ever pass.
Thoughts did nothing, the harps started to sing. A piece of peace came down my spine.
The opera singer started to start simply on the A and ended up almost two octaves higher.
Drowsiness has hit another high.
And the guilt sneaked on me and gave me a good scare. I am shivering with deeper fear and fury.
Are all the above self-inflicted? is all nothing but a sign of unwarranted emotion giving nothing but a demeaning, degrading, destructive breakdown of a single world whose desire is just to be one with the universe.
4th Oct 2007
The pain is drawing every single drop of my blood away from everywhere except my stomach. A small getaway seems so inviting, away from the noisy places. just listening to the nothing but waves. there are many things that I really wish I can hide from. if thou cant seek the companionship, thou seek only through the solace of the solitude. When seriousness is never invited, the silence becomes the special guest.
Finally, when the moment of humour found its way to the conversation, the intention is questioned with insanity. How sanely comforting!
1:07 PM |
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Saturday, November 24, 2007
today is a day i actually doubted people
i actually think my friends are talking behind my back.
i actually think my friends are harbouring something and did things behind my back...
and i did that to 2 different sets of friends
thus deciding not meeting any1 was a good idea, after being stood up by random friends
i went out to get necessary stuff (and they are not mine!!!)
satisfying my craving and started to ponder about life.
bleah. i hate that. i want to be happy. so i told myself not to worry about the tomorrows and enjoy what i was doing. living the today consciously.
yeah, so i ate my food, drank my coffee, read my erotic book at borders, thinking to myself nothing but what i am doing.
and took the random bus home and overheard 2 girls' conversation. i think they are like 2 years younger than me, chatting about their failed relationships.
it was interesting. and they were just behind me, chatting all the way to clementi bus stop.
and all i could think was, it seems every1's life is so similar yet so far apart.
you wonder how much it takes to be in others' shoes, yet you could not be bothered becauase it is way too tiring
the converesation seems to be surrounding the phrase "are you being selfish"
and i asked myself, am i?
do i act selfish, be selfish?
do i act like every1 should give a shit about me, while i cant be bothered with people whom i am closest to?
am i such a person?
am i such a pest?
with a new perm hair, i tried to look different.
but my heart is the same
however, if you were to compare how my heart was 3 years back, i would have to say i have grown out of those sad, hopeless days.
there are indeed alot more to life than just doubting your friends (and i seriously blame the radical, heartless working world) randomly roaming the overcrowded with zealous christmas lighting chasers orchard road, trying to give urself a big pat to be able to shop alone while the crowd around you comprises nothing but couples, families and groups of friends. i was almost oblivious to them!. Sheesh!
maybe every move and every thought, gives a certain aim and aimlessness to your life.
however, you can't deny it exists and is written as part of your life story.
as i blew dry my hair with the fan while the air con is on, the caffine in me is wearing off.
sometimes i wonder, what if i bother to ask the guy i like out.
what happens?
what happens if i just throw the letter and leave the company
where will my life lead to if i just take any random job?
what if.
i care less now.
i have a few things that i have to take care of and i NEED to focus on those.
distractions will remain as distractions when i cant get what is to be done done.
maybe there are things that we truly need.
maybe just not now.
just not now.
but y not now?
1:53 AM |
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Sunday, November 11, 2007
In the greens(while i was strolling in botanic gardens)
2 different worlds, 1 same heart
the green grass, red and yellow flowers
how they just fill your mind.
the cooler winds, the sticky arms
two different worlds
1 same heart
white joins green
maybe the horizon never parts
pple stroll the path
embrace the yearn of peace
2 different worlds
1 same heart
some jog the jog
others stop to watch
and most, sit to praise
praise the works
the pure beauty of mother nature
man-made landscape, out of the natural
2 different worlds
1 same heart
2 take flight,
chasing the seasons
across the vast
stop to rest, bathing in the lake.
maybe drifting past massive lands
maybe escaping the harsh.
2 different worlds
1 same heart
the hellos and the good byes
the love and the hate
the peace and the wars
found the happiness amidst turmoil
may just 2 different worlds
work on 1 same heart.
just sitting by the symphony lake, on the bench.
what welcomes me is the cloudy sky with a setting sun.
there were pple, family, lovers, dog owners just passing by.
some sat down and chit chat
some played frisbee.
above me was just birds spreading their wings.
and around the lake was just green.
very peaceful, and found the solace i found back in salzburg
i guess at 2 different worlds,
but if you can carry the same heart,
everything can be peaceful and beautiful.
hope you have enjoyed it.
10:45 PM |
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Monday, October 15, 2007
tell me how muhc it cost to get one so angry, i punched the door so hard, and i felt no pain
tell me how much it pains me suddenly to see his face, suddenly across the net.
it is so weird.
i want to throw the towel
it is so hard. i am jsut waiting for the pay out.
all u were asking, was alittle understanding and trying to know more.
when u see others learn so muhc more and allowed to be given the chance, u felt urself, falling behind more and more and more. and you cant do much. pple EXPECT u to know everyhting but in fact, u were never given the chance to learn, to even ask questions to know more.
u just din have it.
and all u did was ask. and u were given only looks, cold words
when u din knew anything, i still bothered to explain because i placed myself in ur shoes.
y did i bother to be so nice?
y did i bother to be so undersatnding?
who gives a fuck about me?
who did?
it hurts so badly in my heart that my clenched fist din hurt at all.
it hurts so badly that my chest was so ballooned up
it hurts so badly that my eyes were piercing pple's soul
it hurts so badly that i had no more strength to move.
11:45 PM |
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Friday, September 21, 2007
at this stage of life, i have begun to see interesting things unfolding
and started to begin to udnerstand the reality of life in another form
u learn really not to compare
u learn to be alot stronger and independent
u learn really hard not to care
u learn really hard to let go within seconds
u also learn that if things just do not make you feel comfortable, just dont do it.
maybe it may seem transient, but as long as you know u r not comfortbale just dont
do not gossip
do not spread news like it is wildfire and be self justified.
do not think u r right just because u want to gossip about something.
coz maybe the mouth is yours, and maybe the tougue just likes to wag,
but i think, we all need to learn to hold that tougue.
because i learn that what goes around, comes around.
maybe you do not seem to care, but you will when the future comes.
so learn it, hard.
1:23 AM |
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