for a world that doesnt exist for a universe that stands still MY FAV LINKS relacon in swissland! flingner Jo darling Fergus Dong Ray Kai Kim Kelvin Jason Yanxu 风的颜色 contact: relacon@gmail.com   DAILY INSPIRATION: this day, i pray this day, i smile this day, i wish u all the best! Archives December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 July 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 June 2008 July 2008 October 2008 November 2008 << current counter   wat u want to abt me? and why? how much can u find out, when i dun even know who i am?

relacon and wat's next?   Friday, October 31, 2003   u know wat? i am super pissed off too yeah.....really..think she is f**king right u know wat's the pt? those pple just come when they want go when they like?!? goodness... wat's the pt? dunno and wat the f**k i care so much oh not now...coz i think, it is so sad.... really pathetic orh....unbearably pathetic i shall be rational, and sacarastic VERY SACARASTIC... goodness... and i despise....i really despise.... where's the sense of self-respect? where's the sense of respecting others? where's the sense of self control? oh..i have no f**king idea... only heavens will know... i am truly disgusted with this kind of bullshit and crap happening around but i cant run away from it nor avoid it whoever step onto my path and block me, u r really asking for trouble i do not give face, i just slam. for y should i care when u only care when u think I AM WORTH IT? orh think abt it, u r who u r...i respected u. but u sort of killed that respect thru ur own hands. okie this is indeed a war raged, totally raged and disgusted i rather do my own NS service and protect myself i rather pick up that rifle and protect myself and my loved ones orh..i am so sorry, i cant be perfect in ur eyes, so u arent perfect too... forget it u know we are just so different we really truly belong to different planets no wait, different galaxy, orh....wrong! we dun even belong to the same universe so jsut dun bother trying to find a stupid time machine to travel // universe goodness i have no f**king idea wat i am pissed over guess i am jsut venting it off for my fren orh!...to add the last thing THEY SHOULD ALL DIE hahahaha -in the light of how some MEN are truly disgusting...and yet some dumb women never wake up...tian ah...wat has this world become?...nothing...just being wat it always meant to be....oh well....mars vs venus?...nah...i doubt so- 11:58 PM | |   sometimes, i think, when u show concern for some1, it seems like a crime to that person. maybe becoz u did that out of the blue, that person would be rather shocked and would, perhaps, withdraw becoz of some protective mechanism. was listening to radio and this guy reminded me once again, "Gandhi said this once, be the change u want the world to see" how beautifully said, i agree totally and would definitely give a standing ovation, but how many pple do that? the older the person is, the harder for him/her to change. they r just another stubborn mules. how about me? i dunno.. i was very very clearheaded just now, trying to analyse some situation, and meanwhile, making use of this opportunity coz clear-mindedness dun come often, analyse my own problems/situations. then i realised, it is a matter of choice. and sometimes, a slap in the face b4 u realise the blood is already trickling down when u were banging against that wall. it hurts alot. it does hurt a lot. nothing hurts more than when u see how much u care ALL the time, and it seems, u just get slapped back, with pple proclaiming,"it shows how much u dun understand." then how abt u? did u ever try to understand my purpose of my actions? i dunno, and everytime i am in that predicament, i would just break down. and weirdly, only my family has such effects on me. maybe it just happens that the whole family is too strong headed. abit of concern is like invading ur very privacy. sometimes, i think so too..coz i realised, i am so too.. guess this is how the family works. yeah, maybe it is just like this. sometimes, pple always say, humans are selfish. i have to agree. but there is definitely some goodness in all. not that i am naive or wat, but just take it as a belief. but sometimes, i just cant help thinking, pple are really very selfish. every thing said and done are caused becoz u r hurt in a way, u r just curious, u just wanna to satisfy ur very own thirst for something. yeah, i think so too. but how much can u think abt the other party who is involved and allow urself to say, i truly care abt this person becoz u truly care. not that u r scared that u will lose that person, but u just wish the best for that person. yeah, wat u think is good may not be so for others, but u r just trying to sound abit, then i recall, i am just trying to alleviate that guilt that i din bother and now, i am trying to make up for it. maybe....but with certain selfishness, the resultant isnt all just for own selfish reasons and sometimes, it could be rather beneficial to alot of pple. i dunno, situational basis hur? but it is tiring to think THAT much. and all i know is, i am really really confused, really lost. is minding ur own business the only way out? dunno, i assume that it is a matter of choice, just another state of mind. i remembered wat i told jo a few weeks ago, falling in love with love is very dangerous. 1 should not be w some1 just coz u wanna love passion isnt abt physical attraction. love isnt lust. and lust and physical passion wont seem to go far. following this line of thot, dun becoz u r scared of loneliness, u just grab any guy/girl and voila! and dun becoz of lust, get into one just to satisfy ur own desires. it is applicable to life i guess. not just becoz u wanna to forget, or put ur mind off some things, u do things that u may not even like, or get urself involved in something that u never truly wanna to commit and kill urself off. find something that is truly urs, truly with sincerely steadfast determminaton, do wat u wish to complete. maybe then, u can be happier hur? i guess, at that pt, how much can be cool headed to think and analyse that well hur? shrugs. i really dunno. but u know, at least i know something, writing this post has made me calm down, and gladly, it is something i am commited to. if the world is forced only to surround u, then u arent the world that the world is trying to live for. never say how much u like that person, show how much u care abt his/her feelings. just like saying how much this frenship is meant to u, i would rather u prove to be a fren in need. if fate has brought me and u to be a family, cherish and treasure it. it is one in many billions chance that we are here. SIGHZ if u have already realised that something doesnt even care for who u r, y bother showering ur concern over it, and making urself so miserable? 8:04 PM | |   cool stuff! hahaha....the french guy i've got to know is so funny hahah francois...really nice name u know hahaha...but i just cant pronouce it! hahah.went a short leisure swim! great and ate my burger king again... and fell asleep there while reading my notes..hahah addressing to lijie's comment abt being freaky hahaha..... i have no idea, ur ideas thots desires and wants are all truly urs..i admit.. i have all my desires, in life in school in frens in sexual stuff.. like for eg i always think, or assumed yeah..think too highly of myself told that to jo....that i can be a good kisser.. so? wat's so freaky abt them? hahaha it's part of u and it is u it is a matter of control, understanding and accepting them i guess afterall, they are truly urs.. *hugz* wonder if u understand hrmm goodness.... watever!!!!!!! and in dec...just dun "scare" me with ur "openness" hahahaha.... GOODNESS.... and hey jo and kel..how u guys ah? haha... goodness...we are just plain mugging hurhur? wat happened to my closest frens?!?! hahaha.. okie..i admit..i am lazy to sms u guys too...hahahah sorry la...lazy...beside time for myself and books and tv i am sort of...sleeping these days!!!...nice weather the leaves are turning red and dropping... the sky is always dull blue...u can see the roads all wet then u think singapore seems to be having winter leh!! hahah... okie sat we shall catch up la hurhur?? okieokie take care every1 and good luck for those having exams!!! *stress* 12:56 AM | | Wednesday, October 29, 2003   okie i am definitely going to watch matrix revolutionS on wed DAMN hahahaha 11:53 PM | |   just posted so many songs on my flingner again hahaha... goodness... i guess..i am jsut bored at the state of mind now?? ridiculously suppressed hahaha... and it is THE CALLING singing yeah if i could turn back time... if only i could i dun just grab and go, coz at least, i know i still have a conscience... 1:31 AM | |   again, reading her blog.. oh okie, kel, i think i was bitching again din i? oh well....i am such a bitch... sigh watever... i bitch yet i curse myself for that wat the heck?? i am tormenting myself somehow... hrmmm okie..i am not human i am a devil wat so ever pple place a crown on me i think it just says, "u r such a devil!" hrmmm.... oh well, i cant be like happystarfish but u know wat? at least i dun shun death... like her..i think i need to die peacefully, i really hope my ashes could be dumped into the ocean watever la....dun think any1 would rememeber by then.. think better write a will soon...... dun i sound like some1?...goodness anything anyway yeah...not in an urn... confidently walking to my dreams as i have imagined. oh, u know wat?.. watever i imagined isnt great at all it is going to cost me my life for wat i have dreamt! dun believe? hahhaa.... besides seeing is believing today, my fren showed me that touching is even more believing death, can be so surprisingly peaceful. but only life protrays that quiet reflection of death. 12:57 AM | | Monday, October 27, 2003   and everytime and everytime i punch my fist against the wall, i just dun feel any pain at all. and everytime i feel millions of needles and pins piercing thru my heart, i just dun even cry out loud. and everytime i thot of bitching abt the mishappenings, i just shut my mouth and bottle it up. and everytime pple tell me, just let out all ur unhappiness, i just think, i am not understanding enuff. and everytime i cry in my room under my table, i just rock myself for comfort. and everytime i think of how nature still allows me to live, i just knew that i am still given a chance to thank it. and everytime i take 5 deep breaths to calm my soul, i just knew i still have to learn to accept. and everytime i treat noise as silence i just knew i obtained true silence in my heart. and everytime i think of how i would ponder i just knew i still dream. everytime still this time, i just knew i havent let it go sometimes, u can never understand my pain coz i never say it out at all, but not becoz i am trying to close my door, but i just dun want u to feel my pain at all, becoz if i do, i feel guilty that i have let out unhappiness in this world. i beg u, just leave me alone. 11:07 PM | |   this life is a stained mirror the more u ignore the stains, the more stains u get if u dun try removing the stains one by one, slowly, u will realise this mirror cant be used anymore till then, u can never see ur reflection again. 10:53 PM | |   this is going to be a long blog again, and i realised my blogs are getting longer every time hur? but sometimes, i just cant help writing. there are just too many thots flashing and i need to get them out, okie?...and instead of toking them out, and if i do, i will tok incessantly....and incoherently.....hahaha....wat to do? u realised certain things in life, now, how u have changed, that's cool u know...at least, u have a headstart to something big! u see, u have started to pintpt wat are the possible reasons to all these happenings, but now, i question u again... WAT R U GOING TO NEXT? interesting thot hur?..everytime u r lost, i always throw back words u have said to me b4 and u realised u were contradicting. slowly, it would become just natural if u start to focus on wat is to be done and in the end, u dun have to worry abt contradictions anymore, for they jsut come and go, it is wat u have focused on gives u strength and power to believe. the doctor can never treat himself like he treats his patient, but there's another saying that goes, "the only person who knows the actual seriousness of the situation could be urself" sometimes we never step back and see.i guess it is just human to be like this. and i admit, i am just like u. but we all learn, and we try. that's the human spirit! to change for the betterment not change for the better. intuition sounds irrational, emotions sounds illogical. but how many a times do we realise, they are just the very effects of certain causes? i cry, becoz i am sad. something has upsetted me. so i am sad and thus, i cry. sounds simple? maybe u would say i have simplified the situation....wat makes u think i have? u r the one in it, not me. so u r the one who have made it complicated. take a deeper breathe into wat is going on around u. u said u care too much how pple look at u?...r u sure? u were the one saying u r living in ur universe...so how much do others' comments or judgements affect u and ur moods? it is intriguing hur, for ur very own words contradict again. but it is just this phase u have to get past. life is about balance, like a weighing scale, u have to do trial and error to get a balance b/w the 2 sides. how much u place on both ends reflects how much u value in different things. it is fine for to each his own. but r u able to prove to urself wat u have valued can reward u? making it a choice not forsaken? it is all in ur hands, dear. that is where ur destiny lies. it speaks unspoken words. and u have to ensure they turn into actions. i have to admit, it isnt easy, but when u realise that there r more than wat this life u think it was, u see that there's more to life than wat u once thot, and u would wanna venture forth. hope u recall that "life" that u once saw and forgotten. regain that faith u have once, and start it again. it is always better to be late than never. it is always better to realise than never. think positive, only that would u see life as a happy one, and thus allowing true happiness flow. listening to celine dion's old hits. this is a great song and as usu, i cant remember the song title think it is becoz u loved me. i have always loved this song, yeah...nice.. 1:14 AM | |   hahaha.....u link to happy starfish from ray's to princess addie..and u will find her she said something today right for u jo! Today at Mass, Fr Johnson asked us if God were to come to you one day, and ask you what is it that you want from him, what would you say? It has to come from your heart. Something you truly need - not just one of the many wants we want in life. I sat there in my seat, looked down and thought hard. I imagined God asking me that question. What is it that I really need? I asked Wendy the same question, and she said "Happiness". How nice. I told her that actually, happiness comes from within. It is to a large extent up to us if we want to feel happy. For any particular instance, there are two sides to it. Should we look at it positively, or should we see it negatively. Positivity brings us happiness. Negativity brings us unhappiness. True? Wendy asked me today while blading what if all goes well, but Mark does not turn out to be what I expected him to be. I thought for a while, and said it doesn't matter. I told her that I know him for so long. I know his habits, how he feels, his quirks, and his moods - and I still like him. She nodded. She added "Ya, if you really like someone, it really doesn't matter." Loving someone means loving him not because of, but despite of. I write like I am some guru of love, when deep in me, my emotions are all in knots. There is no logic for me to analyse, no pattern, no system. Such is the mystery of emotions, and I feel lost in this maze. I don't know where to turn, which route to take. But I guess as long as I keep my mind focused on what really matters to me in my heart, I will find the way. It's a matter of time, and I need patience. There goes my prayer to the one above to teach me patience again! check this out man! will reply to ur blog later...hahaha i think this suits u VERY WELL... take time to think dear. patience *hugz* 12:45 AM | | Sunday, October 26, 2003   haha...i cant help it i was reading happystarfish's blog again. ray..if i am not wrong..she is err...cant remember whose fren but u know..hahhaa.....i love her! alot!!!hahhaa...the things she tok...oh man...synchronise in a way!!! this is wat she wrote in one of her post: Should I just resign to my fate that maybe my role on earth is to be an earth-angel for everyone else so that my love can be showered on more people rather than just one special person? (I making singlehood sound really sacred here... as though it's a calling!) i hope u din mind me cutting it and paste it here... but u know.. i felt... kel:now u would know wat i meant that day? i felt i am in that situation!... hahahah... oh gosh, i think i am an angel? err...right muahahah qouting again "Your true character is revealed by the clarity of your convictions, the choices you make, and the promises you keep. Hold strongly to your principles and refuse to follow the currents of convenience. What you say and do defines who you are, and who you are�you are forever." jo, i think this is for u, u know. hahaha....wat else is said more, ur actions hahaha 3:22 PM | |   i said this to jo life is already meaningless, but i guess, u still can make it ur meaning for ur life it is the process and u cant turn back. wat do u want out from ur life? u have walked thus far, wat have u achieved? wat have u learnt? r u moving on to learn different things, the next lesson? or r u still circling at the same spot, so lost? u have spent 1/4 of ur life, r u still going to bang at the same wall, hoping that it would be knocked down? or maybe there are other happiness that are right from within, away from that wall, and u could just set ur heart to move away? wat r ur dreams? wat r ur long and short term goals? it doesnt have to be magnificant dream, like saving the world? but r u a happy person? r u able to love urself? r u able to care for urself? have u given urself a pat? if u have, then i am very sure, u can love others try, this life is always full of pain, u may have painted pictures after pictures getting disappointed again and again, have u realised, it is ur expectations on others that killed u? expect from urself first. i guess, that is the least u can do. happiness is defined by each inidividual but also, it is something craved out from ur efforts u dun have to be famous to be successful u dun need to have power to be happy u can be happy for who u r and do wat is called dreams keeping focus isnt easy... i always stray away from keeping focus, but draw urself back, there is the starting pt, do wat is to be done and get it done. that's life find a suitable direction and drive towards it life is everchanging, so may be ur dreams, but at least for this moment u live for ur dreams and not aimlessly, looking for nothing. life is already nothing, but at least get something out from it b4 it turns nothing tat's is the only consolation u have it is not that cynical, it is rather positive i guess it is again a matter of perception i dunno when one would see it, maybe one day a flash of brillance zapped across ur mind maybe not, but pple live for dreams and becoz of dreams, we are where we are now. good or bad, i guess, u just gotta set it proper for u 1:58 AM | |   haha....darling jo, dun be stressed.... enjoy it in a way la hahah.... oh well *hugz* sometimes, life needs a good revamp u jsut have to set to do it it is hard but wat's isnt? hahaha.... u can la..i am sure... got me here..and other good frens..who are always here!!!! *winkz* just go and do wat u have to complete first that is very impt and guess u r doing well now.. completed alot of lab report liao ahha okie..i just cut and pasted my fren's report as mine no mod to think now..going to edit tomolo!!!!!!! haha.. tok too much today to her liao... and my da jie went u need to take in consultation fees soon!! hahahahah YEAH HOR?????? ahem... 1:12 AM | | Saturday, October 25, 2003   FINALLY WENT SWIMMING IT WAS MARVELLOUS.... hahaha... finally got down to improve my freestyle...and hahaha...only swam like 4 laps of freestyle and i almost died? too used to breaststroke liao haha...now no kicks and i am aching..... coz never swim for a month! goodness.. but i was grateful it wasnt sunny..if not..die! haha... it was good, all good! and heehee..going to learn waltz and windsurfing this holidays!! cant wait though i din get exxon mobil interview..there goes my 1200 pay.. but i suddenly felt, things will straighten out in a way... okie... i still din regret rejecting soxal hahaha a choice is taken, no regrets. u cant turn back the hands of time anyway so, just move on. 2:56 PM | |   JUST A THOT 98FM sucks this time..so i switched to 95FM quite a few jazz songs...cool but this is the song that is really nice not jazz music it is SOUL MUSIC it toks abt that love can help some1 knows his or her name wah... so cool hur? dunno..... okie i dun feel like continuing wat i am trying to say shrugs 1:26 AM | |   hehe.. was at vivek's house! quite fun, hanging with the usual gang in my class and we tok cok under the stars... so nice....love vivek's house.. hian kai...i miss ur house alot leh!!!!!!!!! can u come back FAST?????????? then went off to geylang for soy bean drink!!! hahah.. and managed to walk down one of the red light streets thanks to tingwei!!.. u see tons of guys gathering ard girls and in front of the houses.... goodness....and yeah...when i was walking past with tingwei, guys were like..checking u out..but who cares.... I AM NOT INTERESTED IN U!!!!..EVEN U PAY ME?!?!? alot banglah....china men.. yawn... but hehehe....it was a cool experience leh!!!...hahha.. love it.. was kidding to my fren, imagine one day i walked down there alone, wondered if got men asking "xiao jie, dou shao qian?" I WILL LUFF OUT LOUD AND ROLL ON THE ROAD!!!!!!!! hahahah.... INTERESTING!!..... heehee....of coz.... u see those hotels ard... charging pple at $18 for 2hours.. hahahha...heehee...this is so corny and for overnight only $38 heehee for the kicks of it... next time....get a close guy fren and just pop by..and check in for 2 hrs.. hahaha....for the kicks... hahahah okieokie..i must be mad must be junjie's fault inserting ideas into my head... hahaha... woohoo!!!!!! *winkz* 12:45 AM | | Friday, October 24, 2003   not asking for help not looking for it a breakthrough i must say can they see it? after so much of helping "hey, ur little girl has grown up!" if they were to notice tired.... gotta endure hurhur? but life isnt that stressed taking life alittle easier or maybe i am no longer bothered by things i din wish too i saw her again, and saw her, reminded me of that person and y and how? then i told myself wat's the pt of thinking abt it now?.. and y r u making it as though it is a crime it isnt, but maybe, i felt it was more like a betrayal that betrayal of the heart, of the trust of... NOTHING i am thinking abit too much but i just cant help it, it is going to be bad... really bad when the time comes wat time????? nothing is going to happen to me anyway life isnt a smooth sailing journey, but at least, i dun dodge pending storms, i still enjoy every sunrise and sunset. thinking positive very positive maybe becoz i have breathed abit of life into me and let it be i guess, nothing can let myself go, except thyself though it sometimes seems to ache a little but sooner or later, the scar would heal though it is still there, it would become me, it has become me the more i think2, the more i think4. the goodness and badness are just jsut across each other, separated by the universe this is me, no 1 can change it but this is also me, who i cant be bothered to change whoever or watever tell me it is something to improve, i would agree... not tat i dun have a mind of my own but a constant self improvement respecting myself alittle more, for pple would then be convinced to respect but i dun really care, just dun insult the person standing right in front of u as though u are the angel of the century spending alittle more time with this with that, life isnt that bad something is trying to suffocate me but i ignore it i know wat it is so i killed it know thy enemy, is knowing another fren coz they can always teach things u never see, u can learn u r never too old or young to learn this is a darn good life reading another blog i stumbled across it is cool and realised realisation is indeed universal wat i dun say, is not hidden truth, i just din understand it at all the inner voice analysing the reason i find in pple the comfort i have though not seeked thank u for bringing fate that i never knew i could have maybe i have learnt to be more grateful to pple though sometimes i am very rude and pissed off but at least, i do try to be appreciative this is interesting A lesson is repeated until learned - Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned then, you can then go on to the next lesson. so true isnt it?...that is wat i always say, it is a vicous cycle till u realised wat a fool u have been and yet being kind enuff, u still love who r u, for u know, it is just a past that u cant put it away it is like a drive thru takeaway, u order, u have to drive forward to take ur orders, but u cant reverse to change ur orders..u just have to move forward and tell the cashier in front for ur change. besides that, u just drive off with things u have ordered, and u cant reverse. so check properly b4 driving off some pple work with reverse pyschology some just slump into abyss i guess it is just another yes or no right or wrong question but i dunno, grey areas always exist and it seems to be more balanced and mild it is indeed a sign of graceful ageing but not death. reading happystarfish's blog i felt an instant connection to her she is definitely more expressive than me she can put her thots into words more easily than me and she speaks from her heart, and hit my heart i dunno who she is really, just got to link to her blog from another blog but hey, girl....thanks..i have no idea, but it does feel good doesnt it, to have some1 holding same perspective as u, like as though, u arent that weird and as u have said u have to be kinder to urself encourage urself more often life isnt the end just like this how could u let such a great opportunity to live it slip by? u dun end something prematurely due to sheer strength but thru a kind of faith, u can change one's life be that change in ur own life things would fall into place when u do, coz u make it so it is rather heart warming to see frens' knowing wat they wanna to do though some sound ridiculous but still, it is their dreams u r love dreams, formless, yet informiable. undestructible so live it and be it sounds like old words but sometimes, it is so queer to repeat urself, but maybe it shows, that truth is in ur own hands in that pair of flesh that moulds beauty into u love floats, just as a molecule, driven by diffusion, natural convention be that force so that love spreads indefinitely it is always blind, coz it hits any1 anytime it doesnt contain reason, not any DNA it is just being. it doesnt need to be sightful to anchor it doesnt have to be perfect for it is empty hush for it whispers so sweetly though words are incoherent, dun be sorry even u think u r deaf it speaks to u thru ur heart, ur mind. unspoken words say the most more than the deepest ocean, the furthest galaxy dun have to try to look for it dun think u r not good enuff to own it u havent lost it nor gained it for u r love that love unchanging, everlasting, permenantly angelic u r, indeed that lovely love how deepest, strongest, peaceful u r my love 2:28 AM | |   okie day i guess... at least no hiccups except for my hp AGAIN haha...but oh watever....it is settled..got a new sim card instead! hahaha dunno wat to write i wanna write a poem and i thot i could be a very good lawyer if only my langauges were more powerful!!!! HAHAHAHA 1:37 AM | |   there is this song for joanna.... michelle branch's breathe it is a great song okie? learn to breathe though yeah..u seem mad and crazy and stressed? but always learn to breathe.. hahaha take care girl... no 1 can take care of u... only u can *hugz* 12:24 AM | | Thursday, October 23, 2003   i am so damned now, hahaha...very very damned... but i cant be bothered!!!! i am so tired too, when i am done with this piece of hw.. i am off to zzz.. and finish the other hw the next day.... tian ah i am so damned okie..i am set to do my very best, with a calm mind and heart for my exams coz i just got the finalised timetable and i havent got any interview for my IA hahaha... yeah....i knew it...i knew it... 12:06 AM | | Wednesday, October 22, 2003   it's finally wednesday, another passed with me not able to solve this q again and it is something i have done b4 and i've no idea y i cant see wat's wrong with it then i was reading blogs here and there confusion and i cun believe i could come up with sentences never mind.... hahahaha.... i dun feel like going for lecture tomolo i just wanna complete my work in school and home i come to rest maybe i would really study real hard for the next few days till friday afternoon and pop by vivek's house for deepavali celebration! then sat is mugging time too again.. sunday too...should be lab report day... yeah i have planned alot of things liao just need a bit of luck to carry them out of coz, tons of perserverance and determination i am so lost, yet i've a way to deal w it... in a way, it is not an obligation, it has become a chosen choice. 1:10 AM | | Tuesday, October 21, 2003   orh....heehee glad lijie liked his gift... i guess it made his day! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MDARLING! hahaha.... enjoy ur day it is just a start to ur big 2 days/years! enjoy while u can man! alot more will come!!!!!!!! *winkz* birthdays, so weirdly, celebrate the birth of a living thing into this world something that we rejoice, we cheer for how oddly sweet. sweet indeed 2:41 AM | |   it is 2am and i cant sleep at all though i am still sick, but i am just awake maybe i should have taken that flu pill it would knock me out hur? reading the previous post i had, then i guess, i am pushing my ideas down pple's throat the realisation is universal suddenly, misery overwhelmed me and i just lay there, with dazed eyes, not knowing wat is going thru my mind this blog is meant for myself to read i have no idea who reads this blog besides the usual pple, yeah...i have no idea who are the rest of the audience i cant change how pple look at me, and i shouldnt change myself just to appease some wat's the pt? this girl, who's writing the blog, is dubbed to be a confident, full of herself person has actually turned to be someone who sometimes, cant stand herself at all really...this person cant stand herself at all hahaha.... is that a constant reminder for herself that she aint a saint nope is that just a pt that she is just feeling lost abt herself? maybe but u know it doesnt matter afterall may i rest in peace thru those nites, when my mind is swirling when insufficient sleep sets in when uneasiness reigns when uncertainty is definite when the soul cant sit still for a time that the world doesnt exist that this universe stands still 2:15 AM | |   a day when i see something weird heehee oh well..never mind la i will never know how it is like, for i am never in it but i am the one telling u the practicality of the situation u r the one who keep sinking into the vicous cycle expecting of the utopia more and more and never get out of it it is u who expect too much and everytime u add on but never remove them at all u r indeed sending urself into the gallows hahaha.... do u understand? i wonder... it only fall on deaf ears, for i only provide the things i see, and maybe it is that side u refuse to see it at all hahahaha 12:08 AM | | Monday, October 20, 2003   just remembered something hahaha i was checking if there were any mails for me then i saw this AGAIN hahaha "Lin Huihui" goodness...it was that thing again addressing me as Lin and not Li goodness...i was telling my dad... when did my surname has a letter 'n' sneaking up on the word "Li" hahaha and lalala i am so bored now *yawnz* 1:35 AM | |   just managed to catch american beauty it is really really a beautiful show i am totally speechless i have no idea, pple actually shared it with me u know, it is so beautiful to see that he filmed it a plastic bag swirling amongst the dead brown leaves with the wind and it is so beautiful just to see life has its beauty that many cant see at all when death and life are just such of a compliment pple never see both at all within a sec, life and death both exist, and then vanished into thin air i dunno.....too many things running thru my head just remember, within that crisis, there is always something that is alive that is always burning, everlasting just like life and death love is so important. care and concern are indispensible have u shown that to pple u care and loved? i dunno... but maybe a hug would do all of us are confused arent we? wat is this meaning to life? wat is the meaning of searching for it? can we find it? are we happy? do we live wat we live for? and are we being who we are always? wat have changed? wat changed us? have we changed? this life leads on, questioning urself all the time, u turn back, and see no past u look forward and no future u see and u just paused and think where u r standing and u realised, u r lost where's ur home? can u find it? do u even have it? wat is ur purpose in life? wat is a purpose? r u going to be just another ordinary person trying to keep alive? to get a livelihood for wat u think is the only way out? leading an ordinary life aint that easy either wat is ordinary? wat is ur life? i have no idea at all... let it flow dun have to keep holding on it, just let it go, and u will see it lying down on the grass, looking at the fallen stars everything just whizzed past me at the same time it is everything i am no longer who i am, i dun exist anymore no more oh gosh, wat a movie. yeah..... i think too much, i tok too much 12:42 AM | | Sunday, October 19, 2003   managed to catch infernal affairs... and our dear lewis has to catch a taxi back instead!!!!! so paiseh..u treated me...and u getting back in a taxi next time..no more 9.35pm moives at JP hahaha it was a great show..i think the whole package and the storyline is just great gosh.... it is tons of double xing and stuff wah..BANGBANG u know...all these is making me relive those days when i really wanna be a cop hahah but how often i can dream abt those hurhur? oh well it was just a lack of fate in that too bad...soo sad and now i am playing 3 doors down's here w/o u finally got it! THANKS MARK...hahaha... orhorh...and now...i am so touched! my gor...ephraim wrote something so sweet! heehee... and u know friday was his bday?? heeheee i did sms him happy birthday..though it was like late afternoon..but i was so blur oh well... and my dear belinda wrote somehting.. all of us, mgsians wanna go back to those days!!! i cant wait when we can meet up again!!!!!!!!!! hahaha... it is hard to believe that time flies like this fast? but it is all good memories doesnt it? at least i knew i have lived it w/o much regrets with such frens ard i am grateful truly grateful 2:06 AM | | Saturday, October 18, 2003   aching all over it is just 10am in the morning, the sun peeks over the dark clouds a groan leaks out of the window unknowing to the rest of the world that muscle's refusal to relax is killing every nerve persistence, stubborness, how could a muscle take away that patience? pitter patter pitter patter wishing that rhythmic raindrops could massage those tired eyes every face, every hair, totally relived and revived with just a gust of wind how thou's hug and care could retrive my soul? the stickman lies motionless on the bed, with only the speakers drumming slowly maybe this world speaks its own words maybe this piece of jazz sounds so harmonious with thou's voice can i hear it yet another time? soothes my body once again, just the last time. every vein, brought the emotions, slow and painfully only the heart will be calmed when u heed to its voice only peace may there be the body once again, aches all over, every bone, every end how tenderly bitter somewhere in this calmity somewhere, where the pain is lifted up only the angels sing only the heavens shine the soul wishing on the only star that shines let the body aches, not the mind. 1:02 AM | |   hahah..suddenly suddenly i crave for something it is ______ (shhhhh...dun tell any1 k??) how jo...howhow? kel..howhow?? wah lau..whne i sick i tend to think RIDICULOUS THINGS LEH!!!! jo, kel..got time then tell ya la... but err......better now.. and now my shoulders aching? hahaha and i still can sit here and lalala think i jsut thot i have breathing difficulties then i realised..i am just too full AND DAMN IT... I WANT TO SWIM!!..BUT HOW NOW?!??!?!?! shall wait till next thursday!!!! and swimming pool...here i come!!! p/s: lewis...u onz abt nepal USA and ballroom dancing? hahaha... i am super hype abt it!!! how abt latin dance?? hurhur?? hahahahaha provided u read my blog diligently..but i doubt so.... and i am into writing a poem today hahahaha 12:45 AM | |   great song playing on my radio...love this song so much... the concert went pretty well!!!! i love the finale with 1 lead player on the cor anglais (doubling on the oboe i think) with 2 trumpeters.....1 cellist and am accompaniant pianist great dudes and babes!!..u guys did really great!!.esp jensen with such good feel on his blowing gosh...and i was sitting right in front!!! as for me..it was fine i guess..as i proceeded into the song.it got better but i still cant alleivate that nervousness in me....my left hand did really badly...worst i have heard oh well but still i managed to pull thru..i need to perform more...heehee my body is really aching...so much of the stupid viral infection..... i dun feel sick..just heavy head and aching body....wat kind of viral infection is this? heehee was watching AXN, catching the last part of charlies angels it was really kicking some good ass!!!!! and waiting for csi miami...i missed quite a few espisodes... haha...love the part when they go "it is the combination of brain and beauty in this city" hahaha brain and beauty..how many ladies have tat? on top of which....able to kick some asses??...haaha..i can kick.. and i am suddenly so into kickboxing or muai thai boxing.. hahahaha i was bouncing up and down punching here and there...kneeing the air.. woohoo.. yeah..STAY AWAY FROM ME IF U DUN WANNA GET KICKED OR PUNCHED! now u know y i am still unattached? i am too tough toughtoughtoughtough... hahhaa JUST KIDDING sian waiting for food to digest...and to bed i must go 12:34 AM | | Friday, October 17, 2003   i am sick hahaha and i thot i was just some normal flu thingy and i cun wake up in time for my test and now... i have a viral infection that causes me to have a heavy head flu, sore throat(which i think it's becoz of my blocked nose) and aching body.... i am going to catch some sleep and ensure i am fine for the concert later goodness.. zzzzz 11:57 AM | | Thursday, October 16, 2003   i am going to rant.. damn..how i hate tests....when i dun seem to understand the LAST PART i am going to rant again goodness... the LAST PART??? goodness... okie...it is way tooo cheem for me wah lau 11:24 PM | |   for the last time would i be bothered to be so cheesed off with something yeah i was printing my nephew's photo out so that i can cheer myself up goodness gracious, i have to perk myself up for my test no more careless mistakes, no more impatience, no more fumbles no more nervousness NEVER sometimes i wonder y do i bother so much coz u dun want to be like 1 of them dun want to be like 1 of them?..for wat?...it's so tiring!! coz u want to be different.... oh my...u sure?...am i trying to be different, to be above others? oh hell yeah, then wat u think u r hur? i thot i was just trying to help and listen hahaha....r u that NICE?!...hahah...kidding who hurhur? OKIE..I NEED SLEEP... THAT WAS ME AND MY THIRD VOICE TOKING there only exist one thing NOTHINGNESS if u and i exist, we must be living in some dreams if u and i dun exist, we never know we are living, even if we are in some dreams okie i really need to sleep going to mug and cast everything out of my mind except MTO MTO MTO MTO MTO MTO MTO MTO 1:58 AM | |   i jsut dun understand sometimes how can pple think so much oh i forgot..i am indeed the pot calling the silverware black hur? bloody hell never mind i guess i am so tired of it liao i am SO TIRED school dun EVEN TIRE ME OUT THAT MUCH? goodness.. if all's for a good cause fine if not wat's the pt? watever it will be will be GOD, HELP ME CAN? it's ok that no 1 seem to understand, though it seems lonely up here.. but i am at peace yeah i am at peace with myself the war is declared over ages ago wat i dun say doesnt mean i dunno wat i dun say doesnt mean i dun get it wat i dun say is sometimes, wat u really dun wanna to hear okie.....never mind... i guess we're all quits hrmm sorry for being such a bitch oh bloody hell oh well interesting article but then again http://straitstimes.asiaone.com.sg/life/story/0,4386,214326,00.html it is really a good one esp the 1st few paragraphs but then again, no matter how many pple said it and proved it the others wont believe it bloody hell so ask u, wat's the pt of toking? no wonder i am toking so much COK these days yeah...afterall..only cok is wat pple wanna hear hahaha... but i forgot i tok too much, i think too much u r lucky only if u make urself lucky and this sentence goes to me ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH watever it struck me u have to work for wat u want and need u also have to maintain it with sufficient efforts and communication oh damn..am i not slapping my own face? oh i forgot, alot of pple are super lazy abt it hur? that includes myself so dun blame others when u dun have it oh damn it, am i not blaming every1 here? bloody hell okie, sorry then i shant blame nature too bloody hell and one day i will erupt like a dormant volcano yeah i have been trying to adjust to it, and one day my limit will just be burst bloody hell and gosh it is that titanic song, my heart will go on "u jump, i jump" it does sound good after being dormant for sometime oh but not a volcano WATEVER i feel so useless.... how come i cant solve? orh..coz u dun understand the concept wat the heck?..i am going to get worse than b- for this module again... bloody hell promise me that u never give up, and never let go of that promise orh bloody hell, can i promise that i dun keep to my promise? i think i am turning nuts hur? oh hell yeah......so stay this way i just look at jervis' photo to keep reminding myself that there is always hope in this world yeah how i wish i see that hope 12:03 AM | | Wednesday, October 15, 2003   jialat.. stress....the test on friday is stressing me out think i am able to solve it if i am not wrong but wah lau...i am abit tired now.. DAMN hahaha watever this is a great song yeah hahah 10:08 PM | |   heehee the michael buble cd...not too bad!!! haha my kind of music thanks alwyn!!.. now it is bossanova... lalalalala yeah..i love kissing the fool best too... hahaha...even this one "the way u look tonight" heehee and now...thinking of asking dad to get the elvis compliation i am into ROCK AND ROLL!!!! hahaha... dear....well....told ya..alot of things never exist just give and take or rather listen and so be it! hahaha never mind la when it happens, then we will decide la... now is, keep urself happy, persue ur dreams and stay cool man hahaha.... with or w/o it who cares u know..suddenly...i began to know wat i need...heehee.... like in my life, in the kind of guys i am looking for hahaha my man has gotta have that thing... hahahha....note...jo...i said MY MAN hahha.....yeah.....remember... beauty in the eyes of the beholder orh...remember... u dun have to fake it, u dun have to pretend i am always able to look into ur soul with my eyes yeah...thru that eyes of urs so....dun pretend too much u dun have to hahaha.. dear.....they are the same kind one who cares?......as long as we know wat is going on, i guess...no 1...yeah no1 can do anything onto us! if u r different, prove it, thru ur actions not ur words i dun trust words it is u and ur body language, it is u and ur eyes. life is a stage the only audience is heavens 6:30 PM | | Tuesday, October 14, 2003   haha...recently i realised, i was a baby who hated milk i only drank soy milk no wonder i like soy milk!!!! but it always never fail to make me full but now...i love milk...fresh milk guess becoz i never drink as much then hahahaha oh well...nothing much to say but yeah hahha..no inspiration maybe? hrmm and sian...i realised i really lost my hair clip!! my fav piece of hair accessory... i need to get it again i lost it once this would be the 3rd piece!! argh... okie..right...... 10:17 PM | | Monday, October 13, 2003   hahah.. dear...ur blog very funny siah...qouted from me hurhur?? hahaha haha...oh well..just take care la... life is such, everytime, there isnt a smooth-sailing decision there is always storm out there, u cant avoid it u just sail thru it and then would u grow and learn dun worry la, things always fall into their respective places and always w/o fail, we learn new things all the time i always tell alot of pple, do not have expectations on me out of ur own coz i dun want to disappoint u guys, becoz of ur pure presumptions that is wat i am learning to do too, it's not easy, but hey, wat is man?! humans arent perfect, so r u...so no fret, every1 is just another breathing creature, trying to find a perfect place in this imperfect world who cares, now u dun have such that thing, u desire it so much, the next time u have it, u dun desire as much as b4, not becoz u have it in ur hand but becoz u have grown out of it. i guess it could just be a matter of perception alot of times, pple always start lamenting, complaining, i guess it is just so humane..for as u grow older, the more u go into the magician's hat u refuse to come out and face the world, u rather live in ur own world coz u think ur problems are always the greatest, yeah it is, but i am sure it isnt the end of the world, for ur own world still exists so wat's next to do?....shutting urself from the world may do u some good but it wont last and go far there is always this much of how a human can stretch but the pt is WAT IS THE LIMIT?.... u have no idea right?...yeah....each time a crisis uprises, we stand taller as we emerged out from it i guess that is life u know u come naked, u leave naked. wat comes round goes round. so no pt asking y cant it goes square when it started off as a circle maybe along the way, it starts to change its shape, but ultimately, no matter how imperfect it has turned out, it is still a circle there isnt anything wrong with future, it is just how u fear it instead of fearing it, conquer it. was reading something on a magazine, it was toking abt how a good leader should be should do and should learn to improve imagine the person is already branded as a GOOD LEADER, yet u continue to self-improve then it dawned on me that there isnt a limit to humans capabilities, it is U WHO UNDERESTIMATED URSELF i guess, the only key pt is is survival and how u would want to survive, in wat way, in wat direction every1 is lost, in this fog, i see no path of coz u see no path there isnt a nice paved path for u u have to walk it out for it is ur own path, very personalized. pick any direction, be it based on ur intuition, be it ur guts feeling be it ur boost of confidence, even with jellied legs set urself free, and walk u have to keep in faith, for u have taken ur very first step continue walking i guess u know much more about faith than i do but yet, keeping in faith isnt about just words but trust and holding on u know i dunno wat's going thru ur mind? i wont understand completely wat u r trying to say but i would like to say, i have tried and still trying u should give urself a good pat when u have completed wat u have in mind every1 else's dun have much time to give u that support and encouragement all the time for they need theirs too so thus, firstly, just give urself some encouragement secondly, open ur arms and give encouragement to others thirdly, with or w/o pple's encouragement, u can be a happier person, FOR U R THE ONE WHO START IT ALL, IT WILL END W U. get my pt? hahaha.... brace up dudes and babes!!! hahaha.. life isnt easy hur? but wat's new man? when we always looked back, days then were much easier, but think about it, when we were in there then, it wasnt easy for us hur? so wat's to compare? wat's to lament this is life challenge to live it not let it bring u down it never did u know it never tried to bring u down...it just letting it flow into u hahaha.... sounds like i am not making much sense hurhur?... but i guess..it just take that special moment with urself that u see things in a clearer light. *hugz and kisses* 11:57 PM | |   suddnely jo and i have this inspiration to stop looking around hahahaa dear....we dun need it la c'mom...we still have each other where to find? as u said...drop from sky no determination, no future coz he din bother to create it by his own hands then never mind lor ignore....we show him and the rest wat we are made off not need to hide, to run away from life is just be maybe never know, the guy just drops infront of u the next moment as u r just bz working ur dreams coz u never dream of him anymore coz he is already alive in front of u doesnt it sound like solitaire mystery? yeah maybe life is so u know think i would start reading maya again hahahaha 1:23 AM | |   haha actually there's alot of things running thru my head the last prix of F1 for 2003 is over. it was superb!!!..think barricello did VERY WELL then did almost nothing but my hw that is due later then i was watching tv, it was really corny hahaha then wat else did i do? nothing but play with jervis!!! he is so adorable? gosh...man isnt he not long!!!! wah...very heavy to was trying to dance with him of coz with him in my arms....i slowly spin and go bom chacha waltz yeah..something like ballroom dancing.. he actualyl smiled and enjoyed it?? gosh.. but boy isnt he not grouchy today... he actually whines like hell today i have to pick him up and bomchacha once in a while so that he would smile or at least stop whining it seems only i have that effect on him when i dance with him heehee when this boy grows up i am going to dance waltz with him!!!!! hahahaha but damn..i need to learn it first heehee but i love dancing..and never get down to it but me super broke and my priorities are already set when i start to work that's it.....dancing..here i come.. hahahaha 12:31 AM | | Sunday, October 12, 2003   okie now it is a big decision june or dec?? hahahahahahah wat the heck?? most frens only over back in mel in june?? 4:47 PM | |   i am so sian now i think if i dun leave this dec i wont have a chance till when i graduate??? that is 2005??????? oh okie great now wat? never mind hrmmm 1:01 AM | | Saturday, October 11, 2003   okie done! i am all out to go australia now just hope and pray not like another time when i cun go alaska goodness but i feel nothing can stop now my dad was like "drive??..ohr okie..hahaha.." errr wat does that mean? hahahaha.... choi..i also dun wanna die young can???? hahaha no worries yan..will be back in time for windsurfing!!!!! *winkz* 4:56 PM | |   go or should i not go f**k i am a bird trapped in an invisible cage with flapping of wings in it, and never be able to get out 11:37 AM | |   i cant believe a shit!! hahaha i know abt my post on weddings and stuff pls la wah lau.. now u guys want a wife or husband???? hahahaha this is SO TOTALLY AMUSING!!! hahahaha aiyoyo the more u hunt for it, the more u cant find it!!!!! hahahahahah wah alu heheheh lbut then again i dun hunt for men, how come me still dun have ah? hrmm okie... hrmmm hahahahahha okeiokie when u guys going to ring those wedding bells tell me i will help hahahahhaha i am so AMUSED!!! gosh... warning:...to start a family isnt easy okie?...get a stable income first okie?? haha..dun i sound like so aunt agony again?..but yeah....u have a stable income then tok abt marriage hahaha...no money no tok coz no roof above head.... hahahaha oops! *winkz* 1:43 AM | |   finally got my ears pierced think i truly amused those pple who watched me?? my classmates, the guy who pierced for me and the shop owner and another guy fren of theirs hahahha so amusing leh hahahah oh well cun get my sticks....which mean need to get another day somehow, everything doesnt matter anymore really doesnt it jo? does it matter??? nope of coz it doesnt coz i am not here nor there and somehow....murphy's law is screwed up lor i mean....hahhaa...yeah..always say cant wait for my gal frens to get married to that special guy scully i am the 1st right....*looking at alwyn*.. but i always think wedding is always a very cool thing to attend and help out i helped alot for my sister... not really the preparations..but on that day..was so tired..and running ard for her i really felt it was impt for her and stuff.. i guess, when u r to get married... it has to be almost perfect yeah for u and him or her hahahaha maybe i can be inspired to be a wedding planner dear jo, y not u be matchmaker..i be wedding planner?? hahahahaha 12:18 AM | | Friday, October 10, 2003   orh...just now i thot of something coz something happened ard my frens... poor girl wat happens if u like some1 then becoz u think the person likes u then in the end, that person never likes u back how ah? hahha u know wat..it happened to me b4..and i dunno how to help coz afterall.... that's nothing much u can control abt feelings good luck then again wat happens if it happens on me? i like a guy then i thot he likes me but actually he just being a good fren wah.....then another broken heart to be mended and when pple break up, pls....let it be a nice one... dun just cut and get out of every1's lives girl will hate it and guys always do that somehow..esp when they initate the break up that is wat i call MARS and VENUS really... yao ai, bu gan ai yao ai, dan da bu ai ni so ke lian oh well shrugs 3:23 PM | |   i am definitely having a terrible headache now. very terrible headache now... shit and i hate the feeling of thinking WAY TOO MUCH okie for now i shall just HATE EVERYTHING I JUST NEED SLEEP BUT I CANT SLEEP WELL AT NITE?... HAHAHA... WAT TO DO? yeah count sheep baabaabaabaa okie i shall hate all men and women... i shall everything ard me for now including this blog okie i shall hate thinking hahahaha hate is so good, at least u duno wat is love okie that is crap #$$%^*(^%#@ i am toking nonsense again... no more late mornings 2:54 PM | |   listening to "i knew i loved u" and " truly madly deeply" back to back has made me wanna fall in love now!!! haha.. yeah really and the only thing in front of me is my notes okie conclusion i will fall in love with my notes and damn it i am so lovesick MUAHAHAHAHA can u believe it? "i wanna stand w u on the mountain, wanna to bathe w u in the sea wanna to live like this forever until the sky falls down on me" gosh....my notes will be flown away 1st then get super soaked up then hahaha......by then it is battered up.. gosh... hahahaha and no 1 believes that i wanna fall in love now how come ah?? *sniggers* 12:21 AM | | Thursday, October 09, 2003   now i remembered wat happened yesterday i have 2 frens saying the same thing almost at the same time! and nope, they dun know each other.... aiyah...just words only...wat u see is wat u see u can infer it...anyway u like wah lau imagine trying to guess wat u r trying to say over the net like looking at the words wat u exactly mean gosh...life isnt that easy liao still have to see if it is a joke, or truth, or wat?? okie, now, u know wat? I CANT BE BOTHERED! watever u say is those words only.. i am not going to care and wont bother to guess wat u mean! hahahahahah this applies to every single word i say too now i can type i am fine but i am not actually i can say i am sad but i am actulaly luffing away orh wat a bother wat a chore! FORGET IT MAN! and now..i miss him terribly haha...err...yeah i miss his voice and luffter.. haha....err...right... jo, howhow?....how to survive u miss u can go and find him leh.. and now its my turn to say at least ur luckier..u miss him u get to see him... i dun leh.. hahahahahah nownow...who am i toking abt??...*winkz* another good example go and figure it out..... so many pple hahahhahaha.... yeah, but now..i only miss him just him hahahahaha *faintz* 9:35 PM | |   weird day i have today, for i was pretty in a okie mood, yet i felt happy, and not lost for once....and i always attritute that to sufficient sleep and able to spend some time with myself popped down to JP to do some shopping...yeah..for presents...u hear me...presents.....nuts but yeah sometimes i think, this life is so darn interesting...eat when u r hungry, sleep when u r sleepy, shit when u need to was listening to the radio and wat thinking how to do my homework, not too bad..i could answer some but stuck to this for some time liao....haha...thinking of calling my fren up to ask him...chim..hrmm... heard savage garden "i knew i loved u" and he went "i knew i loved u b4 i met u, i think i dream u into life" and i suddenly recalled this story that huimin told me... she mentioned to me, how her seniors actually really got married to her dream guy she sort of dreamt of him, not knowing who the hell he is and y is he doing in her dream till one day, she met him in person....and then love blossomed...blahblahblah and huimin went to attend her wedding a few weeks' back cool hur?...never know such things actually happened!...but it is so darn cool then yesterday, knowing i managed to get a contact of a long lost fren...it brought me back to MGS days and when we were older, sab, chris, me would always start teasing each other.. and other MG frens abt who is to get married first haha..and my answer was chun foong!!!hahaha..... *looking at her now*..then again..it is really interesting u may think it is far-fetched...but doubt so....my sister once told me as long as u have started to work after u graduate....u would start receiving red bombs!! hahaha..i totally agree..and u know wat....i am actually looking forward to attend my hao jie meis' wedding and of coz, u girls need any help, i am always there.... dun forget xin jo and kim..hahaha...u 3...need help just give me a call i am supposedly to be a "good" organiser...hrmmmm.....hahaha... and u know..i wont worry abt being left on the shelf for i have been there for the past 21 yrs (and nope...not while stocks last either"*lookg at alwyn and ray*) i would be so ecstatic for my gal frens to find the man of their dreams?!??...dun u think so?? i think the most wonderful thing could happen to all my gal frens is, they found the man they loved and that man loved her even more and start a family?...haha...sound weird coming from my mouth...but that is wat all of them want and need anyway... how's that hur??haha....jiayou...can make it one...nope..the biological clock wont ring yet la!*winking at my galfrens* cant believe myself toking abt it...but i always believe time flies very very quickly and i realised that 24/7 isnt enuff for me i have to spend time on school work..that took my most of my time...time for my daily blog i hardly spend time in front of the tv these days..so i have no idea wat's going on..except watching over weekends like F1? last one this sunday anyway....sigh...but still have soccer spend time to keep in contact w frens....sheesh...that is hard u know.....never call or tok doesnt mean i forget ah!!! as xin said, once u find me.....i could be a long life fren THANKS DEAR....glad to hear that...and i am glad u r always there too.... must catch up soon....if not..i wont forgive myself either! hahaha reaching this pt, have u found ur fren? have u found some1 u can rely on?..some1 u can tok to? and lament to?...hope u have, if not, i can tell ya, life is very miserable haha...i was there once...hahah...hmmmmmmm and have u been a fren lately?...have u ever bothered to help a fren in need? did u pay attention to ur fren when he/she has something to complain or lament abt? did u stay by ur fren's side when needed some1 to be there? from which, u can see..it isnt easy so i always salute to pple who bother...how to be so perfect?...wah gosh.. esp those trying to maintain a relationship...that is even harder! hahaha..... it is tiring to pay attention hur?...it is always e easiest to lament and complain who doesnt know how to?..when u were young, a baby, u hungry. u cry u sick, u cry. u wanna to sleep, u cry... so there..i conclude now, u r still a baby...hahahahaha i am toking nonsense aint i?...nope i am not... i am jsut asking u to think abt pple ard u?... i always think esp when i am home alone...or when i "locked" myself in the room doing my work.... i hardly interact w my family..and sometimes...i can feel "happy" when i am home alone then i would suddenly stop and ask....one day, when u r really alone....would u feel glad? i dunno...one day when i am in a foreign land, alone, for a substantial time, i would tell ya hahaha.... gosh.... too used to being alone now..haha....okie..yeah...i love spending time w myself no need to accomodate to the person accompanying u... i love pple...i do..really..when i can and when my mind permits..i would always try to pay attention to wat u have to say but other than that, i really really stay away... thinking abt life, myself, and this darn cute world hahah i am not intellectually smart, but at least i think but sometimes, i never know wat is the difference from a need of pple, and a leech to pple hahah...do u know? then again, when u realised u cant live w/o something or some1 hope it isnt too late that u would regret it is a choice, yet w or w/o regrets, u have chosen it so, start searching ur soul and mind for at least a direction i am happy the way life now is except i need a recharge away from here which i am getting after getting "approval" from parents then i guess, nothing is stopping me from being a happy and glad person so have u been a happy human? r u still happy regardless of all dejection u seem to have? can u be happy? and most imptly u can and are a happy person deep down see a baby smiling, see the rain that falls onto the ground i still think, u r a happy person instead of finding 1000 excuses to say y u cant y not jsut find that 1 reason to say u can and do it? haha...nah..i know it is hard..i find it hard too... sometimes..of certain constrains..but i am very sure..it is possible!... try ur best la and remember, ur best is never defined, u can always push it higher hahaha wat a stupid post, but hey, did i actually make u ponder abt urself? hopefully i did haha..shao..dun i sound like mah?? *winkz* 7:38 PM | |   definitely in a happy yet touched and sad mood okie, i cant define it properly frantic, yet very eager i dunno u know how much i loved those days even more than ACJC coz i made simply the best frens ever there they would be there for me i know no matter wat how can i ever forget those days? u know, that is the place where i got to know girl power that is the place where i got to know frenships MGS..it is the frens i have had made there, that made days so unforgetable and miss goh, my chemistry teacher oh gosh i am almost crying now happy tears 12:59 AM | |   i am so excited!!! i think we can have a class reunion for 4b2 liao!!! hahaha gosh ellen kusomo... u horrible girl hahha but u r back damn i wanna to see them again and relive those moments again all the memories are flooding back how i miss those simple days 12:55 AM | |   gosh...choonie went to pierce her ears w/o me and now she is hooked to it she tells me when u wnana go pierce, i go with u lor!!! hahahah yeah see how lor hahahah errrrrr 12:35 AM | | Wednesday, October 08, 2003   just pasted this song "here w/o u" by 3 doors down one of the best songs i have ever heard every night when i hear it thru the radio my speakers will just sing this tune that just stops me from everything i have in hand and sit there and sing along it touches me though i dunno y steph always likes this song for she says it is very very sad dunno... but then again 3 doors down is a great band and the lead singer sang it very very well i can feel the emotions in me as though i am the one who is singing it to some lost love that will never come back gosh am i feeling a bit way too much???? dunno hear it for urself yeah? it is under flingner... on ur left... 12:45 AM | |   hrmm not in a ______ mood but dunno lor hahahha *dazed* i somehow, think alot siah how? hahahahhaha..... forget it i shall not think i'm not allright at all...... but i am not wrong either right? hahahahah goodness aiyah watever! sheesh.... i am so blur, i act blur i am stupid i act dumb wat else ah???? okie la i am bascially, very brain dead now very dead today, evening was so beautiful that it actually slowed down my steps i was looking at the clouds, very colourful, there's purple, orange, red and the sky was sort of bluish yet reddish it's been a long time when i last stopped in my track to enjoy the beautiful sky and i actually felt very very peaceful, though i was very frustrated on my way home so glad, nature still has a hold on me... my solace my home...... *taking a deep breathe* 12:32 AM | | Tuesday, October 07, 2003   haha do i really look good in white?? hahaha lewis is nuts leh said i look good in white must wear more of white coz i tantan then look good in white? hahaha tankyew tankyew hahaha *blushed* and u know y u never see me blushed?? coz as u said i am TANNED DUH hahahahahahahahahahahah *faintz* 1:23 AM | |   okie i am in this queer mood that i am thinking of so much f**king things hahahahahahaha watever.. a dream i have go ard the world to play a piece of music composed by me on the piano for every1 to listen how abt that hur? far fetch hor? haha... was playing my concert piece on the grand at teacher's house.. then she recorded.. i was so duh to myself but i enjoyed it though always nervous, when ever i am supposed to perform my mind will always drift away watever... but as i have said playing the piano has always kept me sane and good coz pple ard me yeah, driving me crazy of coz at least i can listen to the piano singing to me it is at least my own emotions yeah... ahhhh... and i still think that raspberry cheesecake is heavens even shao and ms ng said so cool 5 bucks for a piece of heaven where can u find that?? 12:05 AM | | Monday, October 06, 2003   haha nothing much to write coz searching for jokes for an assignment isnt funny at all just decided to put this down it keeps ringing in my mind for the past few days qouting form huimin, who qouted from a pastor always remember to find some1 who u cant live w/o and not u can live with how true hur? 12:37 AM | | Sunday, October 05, 2003   oh well was going thru friendster thingy wah..thru my fren and fren's fren then blahblah by the end of the day i will know EVERY1 in this world hahahahahah goodness that means... if every1 in this world join and just authorise 1 fren i would have 6 billion pple in my list GOODNESS hahahahaha crappy hur?? so much of internet where is the mystified feeling of not knowing pple the danger of meeting some1 just on the streets and go "oh..hmmm" hahah....oh well.... then again....strangers out there hihi!!! i am nuts just had steamboat for dinner.. it was pretty fun!! heehee... cooking has always been a great leisure for me it is high time i am going to do something abt it and this is my wish list by the end of this yr i would like to get 1) a pair of jeans suitable for my butt....okie..under 100 since jeans are getting super EX!!!!!!!! 2) a nice nice metallica watch...under 200 bucks.. good and nice..simple and elegant 3) maybe hopefully get my ears pierce....okie.. i need to find this perfect earrings that makes me do it.. hahaha...but then..i will do it la... think just survive on plastic sticks to prevent it from closing 4) spend my 50 kino vouchers..but i think i am going to invest it on hahaha.....u know ...LOTRs 5) get my jason mraz cd...that reminds me..i need to check the website again by the end of my schooling days, i would like to get a baking oven.... yeah...so i can start baking stuff!!! but u know..i am tempted to do it this holidays.. but i need to get a place in my kitchen for that.. hmm so yeah 6) a baking oven guess under 200 bucks?.. i cant remember.... should really convince my mum to invest in one hahahah coz she likes the idea too i will find a place in the kitchen and.. grab her to electrical shop!! ouch that is too much!!!!!!!!! haha...a thing at a time yeah i dun like to spend so much all at a go i am NOT THAT RICH and hey, i dun need pple to buy me gifts siah!!!!!! watch i can get on my own so is the jeans oven is a family thing earrings is personal so yeah it is me who forks out the money!! hahaha who cares money can be earned but happiness has to be gained by the heart and only thru the heart hahahaha lalalalala maybe i do feel happy today no idea y maybe becoz after this afternoon of IA stuff finally sort of settled it then with the dinner with a buch of frens it felt good u know silly stuff but it is fun be like a child awe this world like never b4 at least to the things u r so interested keep ur spirits high flying and smile even when u r down u will really give at least that tint of happiness to others w/o spending urs at all issit that good? it isnt utopia u know i have experienced it and still having it hahahaha like my eye candy who gives me a great smile everytime i say hi also dunno y...it does brighten up my day but u would say, coz he is ur eye candy but it is the smile that touches me not him la!!!!! even when i see my lecturer, a small small smile goes a long way as long as it is sincere i guess nothing wrong right?? haha...if u think i have some ulterior motive?? yeah i do, i just wanna make u feel happy that is all so, wat r u doing to do? sue me? hahahaha wherever u go, i will be just close ur eyes and u will see 2:11 AM | |   haha u guys must be thinking.... "this girl super screwed siah...one day sad over not getting even a local IA the next moment offered, rejected it." i told jo this is becoz the fact i was 1 of the 2 got rejected i was not happy...meaning..i wasnt good enuff hahah...yeah..think highly of urself?. nope. me and my galfren wanna to find out y, y we were rejected not becoz of wat, but wanna to know how to improve was it the interview that went wrong or maybe of other factors?? it is abt understanding the situation and learn from it afterall..it is my 1st major interview for something it is always good to know wat is good and bad abt myself somehow...it is so weird la i was supposedly the 7th person on their list then again, was quite lucky liao coz..haha..my results really suck yet i was 7th out of 30 not too bad liao lor now, if i have good results... imagine how far i can go siah.. hahahahah okieokie..not being such a snob or wat la but think again, told ya..my life isnt the elite so haha..still trying trying but i still stick to this rule in life my principle it is abt self improving abt self growth in every aspects in any way. regardless how successful u wanna to be it is the personal attitude towards everything is impt coz with a good attitude, wherever u go watever u do, it is within u, from within and thus, making u so u and not a fake, walking lie. that is wat a human should be a walking conscience, a walking example of life be it with family fren strangers meeting new pple is abt knowing this world maintaining relationships is for understanding who are as lucky as u to be alive it may be a dog eat dog world but u can choose not to be bothered by it and live as happy as u wanna to be a purpose without meaning is a shell a meaning without a purpose is a wandering soul but a meaningful purpose is wat makes some1 so wholesome jo said something abt finding some1 who has zest in life being able to stand up again, and not get things get him down with determination, knowing wat u really wanna to do and get u know dear, i would go a man with that seriousness in wat he is doing esp in his work in his interests, always makes him so desirable not that he doesn lament make me things he is strong it is fine of lamenting becoz sometimes..it clears the mind but becoz the fact that he is able to withstand the test of time and mind so cool right?? alot of guys lack that that is y that bit of admiration isnt there then again, diff pple look for diff things oh well dear...let me say something but nothing about wat we have toked abt tonight over the phone nope..not pting at him either but just a general remark when u r good, u r wanted everywhere nothing seems worth of u till u want that thing, coz u make it so worth for u but b4 u can find that person or thing, ensure u r worth of something, that makes u so unique if not, u dun deserve any worth at all okie will cont'd coz cousin is rushing me to post it.... duh 1:42 AM | | Friday, October 03, 2003   sheesh..i cant believe i actually felt bad lamenting to andy sigh oh well never mind sometimes..i juz dun know how screwed up my mind is leh i am upset i am just letting it out end up, i just find something hard like pillars or concrete walls and punched my fists against it and instead of telling pple abt it i do, then i feel bad afterwards like i have let some1 down?!? hahahaha sounds violent? but u know, at least i dun do it in front of pple in a MAD manner hahaha. ouch for my fists? i do u know coz i still need to perserve them for the student's concert in 2 weeks' time hahahahaha okie then again, i will die there fuck okie i sweared again oh well bzbzbz.... haha i need to finish my lab report!!!!!! 11:11 PM | |   i din even get my local IA haha guessed my fren and i were really very disappointed sometimes i think it is life MY life though i really really hate to submit to such life not that i am feeling very sad but then again i am really upset was picked to be 8 out of abt 30 pple AM GLAD then.. i was one of the 2 who were rejected OUCH sometimes... okie..sorry always i think i think too highly of myself yeah i think so yeah?? i am not the elites yet i am supposedly above average in such disparity, where am i?? haha...dun say, c'mom, failure is the mother to success is it a failure? i dun think so i dunno who failed? me or wat? or i would say, i am not wat they want yeah, i either screwed up my 2nd interview and think it is also my CAP that isnt that eyecatching sometimes, i think..i think i have overestimated myself but actually i expected the worst..coz i have the intuition even i stepped in for the 1st interview i knew sort of i will get thru to 2nd round but i know i will get nothing in the end yeah...process is the most impt yeah? i have learnt something but haha..not from this interview but just wanna keep on this dream that i can still do well in my exams yet, it is not becoz this society looks so hard at ur results but a prove to myself, i can be better it is a dream though shattered in a way i may be lucky and unlucky y does life is so balanced for me? hahahahahahahaah a true blue libra i am both lucky and unlucky so wat? hahahahahahaahah tok alot to vent out to andy saw... thanks dear...really thanks... felt that u could understand..hahaha at least u bothered to listen... thanks....must be FANNING u on the way home hahah...who tell ya to stay near me! somehow his dad told him something whether u r happy or not, it is up to u define and andy said something that reminds me of my dad when he told me when i was depressed in sec school channel all ur energy of failures to strengthen urself use it to do better... u know...every time, no fail some1 along the way is always there to tell me that i am lucky in a sense yeah?? i dunno... everytime i am upset, i think alot, very philosophically about me and my life i am writing all these down partly, to vent it out but also let pple see, how one can fall and pick herself up and i would like to take this opportunity to make u ponder on urself how do u define success? how do u want a life that makes u happy? who r u to be in this society, and in ur own universe? this is not philosophy, nope..this is abt u yeah U.. have u given a thot abt it? be it a housewife be it an engineer wat is good? wat is bad? no 1 knows oh well... may write later again toking abt stuff i was telling andy but u know, i am glad to have known pple of our kind him, emphraim (no wonder they are so alike) andy commented, "u r so like me....no wonder we understand each other and we are good frens mah" thank dear heartwarming....did put a smile on my face pple of the same feather flock together we are not out to change this result oriented world we are who we are made to be we change to show u pple, wat we can be made of maybe we are nowhere to stand in this tug-o-war we can survive, coz we believe sometimes, proving urself doesnt mean anything more it is just being who u r best when andy got off, i suddenly saw something, if this go on, it is not becoz i am not good, i am not here, yet not there, i am just transisent in and not in so far yet so near awareness isnt about living to live awareness is abt u and the world i cant stop where i am and be complacment i look forward if i stay where i am, i am to be rotting yet to be in the further stage, i need to work really hard and i have been struggling for the past 2 yrs in and out out and in every cycle never stops.... if i am not wat society can condone, i can condone myself i may be a nobody but then again now, society dun get into me i am proving myself to myself not to society maybe in the end, i will have my last luff not becoz society regrets but becoz i have lived my awareness hahahahahaha with such words luffing isnt becoz i am evil or not that i am thinking i have the last luff but i can bet w u NO 1 UNDERSTANDS WAT I AM TRYING TO SAY hahahahah cool it man... no more dudes in france hahaha yeah... it is a dream i knew i will never live yet i lived it 9:36 PM | |   hehe going to write this up and go to bed i was super confused abt alot of things u know hw and stuff and IA then again hahah i am beginning to miss some1 leh hahaha.... miss dun miss miss dun miss heck it hahahaha there i again, repeat missing some1 or something is a ritual for me esp when suddenly i am bored or not that stressed out trying to find something to occupy that brain but then i think..i need to read a book any good books to recommend? something that i can keep haha maybe i will get LOTRs using that 50 bucks kino voucher hahaha.... i need a good book... not bimbotic pls not TOO romance either coz i will faintz hahahahaha 1:26 AM | |   goodness reporting on my interview i was the 1st candidate haha oh well grinz then....err hahaha it lasted for 35 mins in a room with him hahaha toktoktoktoktok then oh well only 6 out of 8 will get chosen for IA local or overseas means i need to back up fine and u know wat? results out later.... in the afternoon! goodness.... die lor i either think of local or nothing overseas is sooo far away from me FRANCE.....howhow? it is PARIS SOMEMORE though i dun think it is THAT ROMANTIC but then again it is 960euros/mth for 2 mths that is a lot accomodations provided how? oh well it will be told in hrs time *PRAY* 12:47 AM | | Thursday, October 02, 2003   aiyoyo...my darling not in right state of mind take care okie? i know u r stressed i know how it feels like then when u get out of it..l. u think of stupid things and u just wanna fucking go and sleep and give up everything and siam this place fuck up place fuck up pple fuck up environment but u know BREATHE U R STILL ALIVE 2:06 AM | |   in a terrible and sleepy mood till ivan called me haha nope not a suitor but HR managed for SOXAL i was called for the 2nd round of interview!!!!! another step closer to my FRANCE IA!! hahaha then again i feel stressed those got called and i know who they are are all 4.0 and above ah!!!!! 2 of which dean lists holders u know i wish i have much confidence in myself hahahaha then again count myself lucky and poor andy saw who wanna it sooo much patpat dear....u go try exxon!!! jiayou k? dun suck thumb! then again... france....ahhhh...in june 2004 okieokie i shall stop dreaming abt it and alwyn....if i ever get thru...u have to teach me french and darn it bonjour is so hard to prononuce!!!! 12:28 AM | | Wednesday, October 01, 2003   finally waited till it is 12midnite where my new post would be placed on the next day which is wednesday coz there is a reason of my action the only reason y i still breathe now, is becoz i want to know tomolo seriously guys do me a favour just comment on this sentence wat u think of it? how u feel abt it? and in wat way can u relate to it? or in any way u detest it? and on top of that... add on ur mood just put it under my tag thanks! 12:01 AM | |