for a world that doesnt exist
for a universe that stands still
contact:
relacon@gmail.com
|
|
| |
DAILY INSPIRATION:
this day, i pray
this day, i smile
this day, i wish u all the best!
Archives
counter
|
|
| |
wat u want to abt me?
and why?
how much can u find out,
when i dun even know
who i am?
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
happy new year eve!
hahaha...
feeling the throat
12:01 AM |
|
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
tomolo is going to be fun!!!!!woohoo
saw the map..gosh it is big!!!!
they even have flying fox???
goodness....hahahaha...going to be funfunfun!!
mdarling..enjoy urself tomolo yeah?=oP
and now, i am feeling very very groggy..
if there is such a word!!!
going to sleep early tonight
and glad steph is still happy
but jo is falling sick again...
me too darling...we need to recuperate..
11:02 PM |
|
sigh...maybe i should not have asked dad to fetch me
but bloody irritating....i am sooo tired, but i just cant sleep
tonight, i am going to take some flu medicine!
i cant take it liao
i can feel the heat up my body!!!!!
arghhh.....
sheesh..
and to think my dad sounded pissed? when i am still sick?
not as if any1 wanna to be sick
but am glad my mum allowed steph to stay over!
HAPPY..and i cant wait actually
9:35 AM |
|
met up a few pple now
and mdarling ah....now how many pple know liao har?
hahaha
oh well
=oP
very dazed and throat is bloody sore and irritating
hahaha...
i always feel like puking like this....
super tired these days
and i havent got lewis' present!
goodness...
zzzing soon
*blank*
3:03 AM |
|
Monday, December 29, 2003
went esplanade with mdarling today...
the weather was perfect........cooling and there was a live
performance...nice.....haha...so we jsut sat and rot!!
=oP
going to be a bz week ahead....
tired!!!!!!
slept only total of 9 hrs for the past 2 nites...
oh well..tired and hungry
coz i din eat much just now..
AGAIN....
haha...oh well...nothing much to say actually
feeling weird now....(yeah....u know wat i am toking abt)
hahaha...goodness....
change in direction in life now..
let things come and flow.
guess tat's the best i can see.
queer it may seem,
but maybe it is just meant to be
1:03 AM |
|
Sunday, December 28, 2003
okie...this is madness...i slept the most 4 hrs and yeah
big headache...grrrr
oh well....
dunno wat to write,
just very dazed!!!!!!
just finished a bowl of noodles
and it doesnt taste as good as i thot
i think i just dun have any appetite?!?!
din eat much lunch and dinner at all..
just most prob 1/3 of my usual portion!!!
hahaha....watever...
siansiansiansian
when i got home tonight, was in room with both sister and jervis..
then jervis always will walk in the cot towards me and stare
and then sprout some words blahblah
haha..then i was amused...and commented...
da jie...ur son very cute le...complain to me wat??
or telling me story heh?..good listener?
my da jie just went
"i remembered when u were in pri school,
u will always wait for me to come home to tell me all ur happenings in ur school,
and i jsut sit there and listen to u...and next time,
must get a guy that listens to u when needed..and all the time okie?"
and gosh.....i remembered she said dunno how many times liao leh?
goodness.....i thot i only rambles...coz i thot i was bored..and hate silence
b/w frens....
never knew it was inborn and from young!!!!!!
*puzzled*
so am i still a listener or talker??
hahaha
12:15 AM |
|
Saturday, December 27, 2003
i have no idea now...hahaha
oh well..
just got back from devils
and i dun think i wanna club next friday
most prob just pop by and home i go
hahaha
clubbing too often can turn it as a boring event
so i always do it once in a while
but not bad...i love to dance alot alot
haha
with heels somemore k??
haha
jo: okie...dear, u onz abt latin?
coz if so, i am going down to chinatown to find out?
haha...anyway, think i might jsut take it up
=oP
mdarling:oops...so paiseh abt today...made u stay up for nothing!!
actually could have got u out la..but felt my gf would be left alone,
so yeah...another chance will club w ya?! *winkz*
and see wat's "grinding" is all abt.....HEH...*tinkz*
nothing much now. just waiting for something to happen
tat is, hrmm
never mind..i feel tired on my legs
walked too much on my heels!!!
hahahaha
and goodness..i met my mgs frens!!!!!
at newton food centre....
and they are taking chem eng too!
wat's with 4b2 hur?..hahaha
maybe i should really start a class party soon
it's been a long long time
=o)
7:15 AM |
|
Friday, December 26, 2003
bloody hell
sometimes, i think
damn
bloody hell
somethings are meant to go
and somethings seem to stay
but they will never come back
i have family troubles
i have frens troubles
i have school troubles
i have BGR troubles
and all these while, i care too much
and i am so hurt now.
i do not wish to be selfish
just like all those who have done it on me
i dun want to be like them
there isnt a trust
there isnt concern
there isnt reward
there isnt a chance
i am walking alone, crying
but i know i have to be strong
no1 really cares anyway,
so i have to be strong
if u wanna to be selfish,
think abt urself first.
and think of urself last
stay away from me
12:12 AM |
|
there's alot of things going thru my mind
and i felt really
i just need a break from here and everything.
away from every1 i know
sigh...
damn it
12:04 AM |
|
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
empty
hahaha
i do mean my stomach too
hahahaha
*growl*
and i am totally disgusted with the way my fac pple
are bidding?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?
gosh..
i think i might have to drop this and opt for another
sigh
SCREWED
as usu
wat's new hur??
looking back the past yr, wat have i accomplished?
haha..dunno, nothing of great significance, but maybe making myself
alittle despondent actually, and haha...at 1st less lost then back at it again!
hehe...
besides turning 21, though actually to say the truth, i din really feel happy
or enjoy tat day at the chalet, even on my actual bday, i feel tired actually
but was so glad i had time to myself on the actual day,
it was a nice 2 hrs at coffee bean, just me myself in my own world
i love to trust the voice within, that voice that always guides me
i think i just have to rest it, it is getting sore....
hahaha
walk out of these dark days soon,
and u will be wiser again.
1:18 AM |
|
nothing much happened but just got amused by jervis
and haha..not to mention...i am rather tired!!!!
gotta "run" after him leh...hahaha...
besides only sleeping for 4 hrs and 1 hr of nap
i just played with him, eat and eat and slack!
good life hur?
but abit sian at times..
hehehe
but not bad la...family time is good lor
y is every1 asking me how i spend my x'mas eve?
haha....hrmm
and as usu i go,
at home. with my darling nephew
*winkZ*
and dun even know when jo is coming back?
her blog said she wont be spending x'mas over here?
confused...
oh well....
wonder if devils is still on..hahaha..but dun care
bringing chris, elena and steph!
who cares la!
12:14 AM |
|
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
reading his blog now, and felt so sad suddenly
i mean, he isnt str8 and then pple panicked
and he went into depression
oh well....watever
i jsut wanna to say,
hey dear, it's okie.
love urself.
cherish urself.
and then show to others yeah?
*hugz*
oh well...am i nuts?
i duno...i wonder how i would react to
2 guys hugging each other sweet talking
shrugs
maybe it is jsut love
and for a yr ago i told my coz
"sometimes, love is just so weird."
hahaha...but life goes on..
"....and have my little joke" says bilbo
"who will luff i wonder?" said grandalf, shaking his head
"we shall see" said bilbo
"so how, u think he wont come back to me"
"i think so"
"u sure?"
"only time will tell"
grandalf is such a darling, but in this book, everything seems predestined
yet, all in their own hands.....
watever, the movie was good...
tat's all i know!
hrmmm
2:40 AM |
|
went out today...feeling very happy today
jervis's effect...i called it...hahaah
somehow just see him smile makes me sooo happy
damn...hahaha.....i wanna to have my own kid leh
oh well....went orchard to take photos!
so yeah...finally..waiting for jie fu to pass some to me!
hehe
this sa yi very boliao one..oh well...
nothing much to say now...thinking of wat to do later
coz i am feeling super full for my dinner/supper...
sheesh
12:45 AM |
|
Monday, December 22, 2003
suddenly, every1 is writing a christmas wishlist
and i do have one too!!!!!
but i dunno how long i would take to write it down!!!
actually i want something tat is like hrmm
no 1 can give me i guess
1)happiness
2)smiles
3)hugs
okie as for 2 and 3 quite easy la
u see me i will smile u!
and when i feel good
i wil hug u too!!!
heehee..........besides tat, 1 is super hard
good things come last and it isnt the end now
hold on dear.
as b4, we look forward to tomolo, and may wish
a tomolo tat looks less bleak than today.
every guitar note, every drum beat,
every tear u drop
it pains me so much to see u cry
looking back at those days, i knew how much it meant to me only now
how i miss them whenever i flipped thru my mind gallery
i dun wish to live in the shadows of myself
i live, for i cast that shadow under that white light
christmas is a time for getting together with pple u love
and a time to show how much u care
but i never really celebrated with many pple, except for
void deckers?
sometimes alone at home.
but it never bothers me and still never
but it would be nice to celebrate it
hehe...and maybe with jervis
wherever u go, i will go
if i could only turn back time,
but suddenly it just dawned on me
maybe it wasnt the time at all
and now liwei reading back his logs
and more than a yr since i have this blog,
it's sooo fast and though it just happened yesterday
beautiful, still fresh somehow.
when's the expiry date hur?
maybe till the day i have lost my memory
when i cry, the tears i shed,
meant how much to u?
and every now and then, i would just flip open my journal
or old posts to read and reminsince in those days' thots
and would luff or even see something i never do
but all is the past and i just pat myself on the back and say
brace it and embrace it, let it flow
this is a very nice song
it teaches me how much i yearn wat life and love to be
i never wanted to look for love,
but i am looking out for life,
how charmed things can be?
maybe one day, i look back to today and would sigh
how lucky i am to have been thru these shit,
but that would be that day then
and now i am just going to brood over nothing
matters of the heart, mind, soul
all out at this moment
while i am trying to apply calamine lotion on my rash
and if i am not wrong, i am invisible
even that lizard jsut pops out like this, not scared of my presence
hahahaha
clay aiken's invisible....
for the past 3 yrs, god knows wat happened to me?
suddenly so unsure of wat i am doing and where i am heading
i guess,
just do wat u have to do,
and finish it
2:49 AM |
|
hehe
so exciting!!! think steph and i taking part in this game
at far east plaza levelution
hahaha
okie besides that...
mdarling is coming back...and
haha..finally feeling abit excited....
never see him for a long time
and better say excited..if not..
he not happy!!!!!
=oP
hahaha...
kidding...
and maroon 5 has 2 damn nice songs
esp sunday morning
wah lau
BEST!
and now i wanna excitement in my life!
so boring...any death defying acts?
or even err...some adrenaline rush??
i need those vibes!!!!!
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
1:08 AM |
|
Sunday, December 21, 2003
bored bored bored bored
5:08 PM |
|
it is raining outside, with that gust of wind blowing,
but my rash is still itchy though i have applied calamine lotion
maybe it isnt heat rash at all...and that is bad, i have to see a doc again
being out the whole day, met 3 diff grps of frens, am glad
but definitely very stoned or dazed, maybe i am just numbing myself
weird feeling but u arent dead nor alive...
but dinner was a pleasant experience
went to this newly opened pizza place at wisma level 1
it is called pizza tagalio...okie not sure of spelling but
yeah check it out and we ate salmon pizza
it was really good, and very appetitizing!!!!
and the pple there were really cute and funny...we sat the counter and
watched them make tons of pizzas hehehe...and chatted up with some of them
life, this is how it should be sometimes!
making frens all the time, be it just for a moment, but u know,
that kind of impromptu feeling and humour makes me feel very light
and tat's y i realised i need a feeling to be this kind of life
reading alywn's blog and really felt his excitement when he reached
the big apple!....glad he is enjoying his day and going to explore more of USA
so nice to spend a white christmas...enjoy urself dude!!! and tell me stories!
maybe becoz the yearn to get out is getting stronger, and
one day and i do mean it, i will just leave
with or without parents consent
maybe for once i am living for myself
and not for others.
i need my quality personal time,
and this is when i dun brood, stone
but think and relive a life once again
tha rain is getting into me
and listening to love actually soundtracks
really nice...thanks chris for passing me the cd to record!
1:28 AM |
|
Saturday, December 20, 2003
i cant sleep, for my rash always comes out at nite
maybe i am not sleeping in aircon tat's y...hot
and i am feeling super heaty and my skin is completely gone
whole body, from the front to the back, neck to ankle.
but i really dun care, i am just going to get calamine lotion
i am really amused at myself, for i am feeling super dazed and hot
my heart just sort of died and not caring anymore
i dunno, this is wat i called si xing.
sometimes, u tried so hard but u dun get reward
sometimes u dun bother to try and of coz, u wont get rewarded
tat i wont complain, but when u do work hard, u just dun seem to
understand y u just dun get something deserving
the difference is so great, and now, i dunno, i am just dead
but i do hope stephanie is fine.
she hasnt replied my sms since 12am..
as for me, i am dazed, no longer upset or angry
just empty coz u know, some things arent there anymore
and u know u can turn to no1 and just leave it there to vanish
and writing tis blog has become a kind of escape and ventation
it doesnt matter who reads it really,
for does it really matter anyway? nope it doesnt
for pple who know me, they would just go,
"there she goes again"
and pple who just tumbled across such blogs,
would just read in curiosity and shrugs
so i am gladly writing such blogs and posts abt myself and i
but this moment, i really dun care.
i am really itchified, stupedfied and stupidified
i am breathing in
i am breathing out
i am breathing in
i am breathing out
sigh and i dunno y i am sighing
really wish i can have a good nite sleep
but with such rash, and i dun wanna on the aircon,
to listen my sister's heavy breathing and freezing sleeping position
i dun complain abt things i dun deserve, no pt
bad or good, i deserve it
but things which are meant to be tthere, not even there at all
is something mind boggling.
i question everytime, i try to improve
but i never know it is right
time is always against me, so even i am to try again and again
something will be used up one day, even energy
may i be granted good mental health,
a much stronger body as compared to my pathetic state
and the uplift of the burden on my invisible shoulders
let me feel the wind in my hair one more time.
let me feel the gentle sun on my skin
let me feel the flapping of wings of the mind
just let me feel awake one more time
it feels so queer to sleepwalk for such long period of time
and yet conscious of the sleepwalk but inability to snap out of it
2:37 AM |
|
oh well, nothing to write but at least christina is back!
hehehe
oh well going out w her and hopefully i would be more cheerful tomolo
and hopefully i remember to get calamine lotion
12:22 AM |
|
Friday, December 19, 2003
i really wanna SCREAM SHOUT KICK AND PUNCH!
I DUN GET IT...I HAVE WORKED HARD LOR
SIGH, I KNEW HOW TO DO THE PAPER,
SO WAT'S WRONG?
OVERCONFIDENCE?
wat a joke this has done on me.
i only left w 2 more sems
and another IA
i dun have time liao
i am so confused angry and just totally defeated now
FUCK
5:37 PM |
|
okie it would be another 1.5 hrs to results..i am pretty worried
but i dun see y for i have worked quite hard leh..
sigh....
if i do well for some modules, confirm got 1 or 2 modules pull
everything down leh...DAMN....let me hope and pray for the best
if not, i think it is damn irritating lah...ARGGHH
sigh...forget it i shall just read my book
best of luck to myself, though nothing much can be done
but i really wish i can be rewarded a little more..
i can see at least a few modules shouldnt disappoint me leh
only hope
oh okie...i have got my results now...and fuck lor
wah lau...i think i can go and commit suicide!
i tell ya i am soooooo DISAPPOINTED LOR
wat the heck?
wat's wrong w me??? i worked so hard, i understand my stuff
i still get a B- for it????
wat the fuck
wat's wrong w me hur?
FUCK
3:21 PM |
|
okie i am really very "drunk" now.
should say i am drunken huihui, my neck and the whole back of my legs
smell of hennesy, coz of the aftermath of yesterday's windsurfing,
think i am having some kind of rash and i really dun wanna see another doctor
i am SCARED of them liao. and also, i am broke, maybe i should ask daddy to sponsor!
sheesh it is not working anymore...argggh....i really hate this kind of itchy feeling
sigh think i might just need to see a doctor tomolo
DAMN...maybe i just go and get potassium iodine..dunno wat it is..
just go pharmacy...and gosh my blueblack is sooooo RED and BIG
and watched LOTRs!!!!
tell ya, though i was yawning every now and then, it wasnt that it is a boring movie
but becoz i was really tired from the exhaustive week i had.
such movies cant be missed, not to that bit, and if i feel rich by next week,
i would like to watch it again, in that cinema for 3.5 hrs and u dun even feel tired!
plenty of reasons to watch this finale to the show
theme of the show: good triumphs evil, hope is prevailant and unity is strength
and of coz never to forget the brotherhood and love for humanity and peace
guess this movie gives me a very wholesome feeling abt this world
and its ideals of peace and understanding on evil and good,
beauty of this middle earth and how vast it is, humans capabilities
to rebuild, restore and relive. and to believe wat lies right in ur heart
aragon once asked grandalf, if frodo is succeeding or even alive
then grandalf answered, he isnt sure himself.
then aragon said, the answer is in ur heart and wat does ur heart tell you?
how true...but sometimes, never underestimate the power of belief and trust,
the tight grip on hope and love, and persistency to fight wat is better
each character protrays one prevailing side, bravery
though fear fills the air, but becoz of a belief, they fought on
for the pple the loved, for the future they wish to see,
for the world they have worked for and wished to keep it
they stood firm, with fear flickering in their eyes, swords in hands
burning passion of the heart, they just never gave up
sort of corny that the army of the ghouls just swept the enemies like the wind
and the battle was won, and as they had fulfilled their promise and
their souls could rest in peace when the curse was lifted.
dunno, i cant really recalled alot of the scenes,
but definitely going to pay NZ a visit, for it is a very vast and beautiful land
and loved the way peter jackson depicted the show
even when eowyn fought the witch king
he went "no man can kill me"
and eowyn removed her helmet and exclaimed,"but i am no man!"
and slained him...hahaha..and some think it is corny
it isnt la...this doesnt involve sexism, but just
the fact that they think they were never killed by MEN in war
since only men go to war....and believed, and too bad
eowyn just proved them wrong...=oP
dunno...i saw nothing but the film unfolding more and more
the desire to see the end and see a new beginning was getting really strong
and i see their very passion, not as soldiers but just very being
fighting for their very own existence, and protecting their land
and those frenship and care u see in their eyes, and thru their actions
i tell ya, really really beautiful and well, almost moved me to tears
and hailed to that kind of bond and brotherhood.
for a fren i die, one who has been thru thin and thick!
esp the scene when Aragon, Legolas and gimli were fighting
and started to count the number of orcs they have struck down,
and as though they were just competing with one another!
so cute! a great motivation and interesting way to see things
i guess, that drove them to fight on
just like frodo and sam, the undying care and love for frodo from sam
showed how far he would go for Mr Frodo, his fren, his companion
and felt so hurt when frodo chose to believe gollum and not him
how upsetting tat scene was and when he turned back to save frodo
he showed out-of-this-world courage against the spider!!!!
hehehe....oh sad when frodo has to go to havens and leave the Shire
and samwise has sort of lost a dear fren and soulmate
but i guess, some things are meant to be cherished in the heart
=o)
oh well,i cant recall more actually, and i just saw something that pple these days lacked
passion and love for the wellbeing of pple ard us.
i guess, it is time to find it back, or rather let it burn within us once again.
and i am rather hungry and sat'd and itchified!
results out later! and i really cant think much abt it!
even prayers wont work now i guess..
hahahah
2:19 AM |
|
Thursday, December 18, 2003
went windsurfing!!!! and it was so fun but haha..blueblacks all over
but sad to say, there was no wind at all!!!!! and the sea was calm
hahaha
but oh well, enjoyed myself with myself tanned and RED!
heehee
seriously dunno wat to write now, just comtemplating on alot of things
like electives and whether i should take socrates and confucius...
hahaha
dunno keep thinking of something
hahahaha....dunno, it is harping my mind every now and then
must be becoz i was near that place lor
hahaha...
thinking of learning sailing too
haha
one thing at a time...
i am really jack of all trades and master of none!
12:28 AM |
|
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
watched infernal affairs III, and gosh it was horrid
confusing and keep flashing back and back to current then
the cycle goes on again and again!!!!!...how not to get a headache?
haha...really i can see question marks hanging above EVERY1'S head
hahahahahha
goodness......out to confuse pple only...duhduh
oh well...just taken my bitter medicine again..
YYYUUUCCKKKKSSSS!!!!
hahahaha
okie today, i saw something sooo sweet that it really made my day
was on my way home from the confusing movie
then this family came up
2 brothers were sitting side by side, and their mum and sister (i think la)
on their right...extreme right of the bus....
then the younger one just leant on his older brother's chest (gues it was cold,
for it was pouring...brrr....) then put his arms ard his brother's waist.
and the older brother just placed his left arm ard his kid brother's shoulders
and they were chatting so happily with their mum and sister, smiles and hugs
orhhh
u know it was so touching that i actually smiled?!?!...hahaha
really
it was soo sweet that i have no idea, that brotherly love can be so sweet
hahaha...nuts hor, but it was near evening and i felt a surge of warmth
and i felt so happy, sensing that kind of happiness from them...
and i cant help looking at them...hahaha...
NICE
12:39 AM |
|
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
just eaten the chinese medicine...really really ku2
wah lau, but oh well....wat to do, travelled all the way to
tiong baru just to see the doctor, then paid 10 bucks
sheesh...
i think i need a lot of sleep, i am having disturbed sleep again
and i woke up to a bloody moody day and not able to control myself
i refused to tok to my dad, when he even offered to pay for the medicine
that i thot, for wat? feeling guilty coz u never offer to fetch me to see doctor?
oh well, watever, i am definitely in a foul mood, and very easily disturbed
think i learnt something painful
the more u care, the more u expect and the more u get hurt
then i realised, so wat if u care so much, pple also expects of u
it is very tiring.
watever
*shurgs*
just realised i am going crazy and think my mind will snap
anytime...
1:07 PM |
|
actually suddenly my mind is very preoccupied leh
jo kept asking me questions that i cant answer
then like as if i know wat is going to happen
hahahaha...
she is flying off tomolo morning
lucky her
oh well
i dun intend much liao, today i see alot of things
was toking to my erjie and realised, alot of things in life
cant be controlled and definitely, beyond the eyeview of one
i dun even anticipate anything, coz i just realised, nothing is certain
not even the theories we ahve studies or even laws that were proven "right"
i do not wish to be a selfish person, and i do not to be too selfless too
i need my own space and sometimes, or should say, alot of times
i do not have it. maybe i have not fought enuff for it, and maybe
i am just not fated to lead the life now.
just wish things would turn out for the better!!!
slowly when i am aware of me and my environment
problems will slowly fade away to the back ground
and then happines is not clouded
i am aware that i am not feeling too good.
i am aware i am troubled.
i am aware i need to rest.
next week is good. hopefully i can get to go sentosa
to enjoy the sun and sea and wind alone.
i need to break away, and my convictions once again.
heehee....a very short getaway!!!!!!!!
okie fine, i did leave the main island wat!...
sentosa needs to cross bridge leh
hahahaha
12:23 AM |
|
goodness i am so blur now, looking at my timetable
that has no time and looking at electives that never exist
hahaha
goodness, a fine day actually and feeling very worried
my cough is not recovering, thanks to the weather i guess!!!
i am going to see doctor again, yeah on my own.
sometimes, i should not taken care of myself
then my parents would wanna force me to see doctor
imagine i am soooo "independent"!
watever
suddenly i wanna play piano again
this song is very nice
okie, going to work hard once again
and felt the adrenline of school
good, but wah lau, thinking the project will kill me
going to ask andy wat electives he's taking, since we have
common interests....
hahaha....
better call xinlan soon abt waltz
think we need to register for waltz soon
b4 school starts!!!
12:00 AM |
|
Monday, December 15, 2003
jo sent me just this gay's blog
and tell ya
i admired his courage
but i think his family doesnt know i guess
but u know
sometimes, homosexuality isnt that bad
but do we ever understand? and maybe they would go
"pls dun try to udnerstand, u can never" to a person who is straight
but let me say,
it is jsut a matter of choice and sometimes, just we wanna
understand the choice already chosen and explore further.
kinda hard, i lesbian dance jo, our bodies totally stuck to each other
and i felt nothing.
so i am not homosexual, she doesnt turn me on
i dance for i dance, nothing much.
even DD on my cousin, and he withdrew,
but i felt nothing, coz i know he is my cousin
i am just having kicks of DDing on a guy
so, am i sick or just plain wild who wanna to have fun in a club
but doesnt show if i am straight or not, who cares now
i am not testing for my sex inclination!
who cares, i do wat i do and i am aware
and i am aware of guys looking in my direction while i was dancing
to the dance beats drumming from the dance floor,
unseen is the desire to dance, to let go, to let all loose
and nope, i am not trying to show u how sexy i am
i just dance, maybe i am trying to be an attention grabber
but dancing alone makes me feel so free and being me
may i look sexually appealing to u or not,
i dun give a damn, u can give me glares and yearning looks
i seriously just get the kicks when pairs of eyes are on me
regardless female or male, when i dance
i capture admiration?do i get humiliation glares
no way, just the ability to hold ur eyes on me
for another second, and tat's it
and i somehow wanna to know them
be it homosexuals or transverstites, they have a story to tell
and walk the tougher roads and nope i do not pity or sympathise
i just wanna know more, but not poking my nose in anything,
the whys and hows are interesting, but wats are wat i am more interested in
just to experience something i know i might never have
coz i still like men for i am only woman
oh alright, i choose to like men over women,
maybe i have a crush on this girl but of this jealousy
of wat she is and hoping i can be her.
but doesnt mean i am in love with her
i am jealous or envious of wat she can have
i loathe her in worse words
maybe u live the dream, in e arms of ur loved one
u r loved still and u love
tat matters the most
guess alot of things said "it is against the law of nature"
but how often humans dun go with nature, with present technology,
idelogies and even laws?
ALL THE TIME I WOULD SAY! god knows wat is right or wrong,
send the thunders and lightnings, bring on the storm to ships
and maybe, we think we can defy the laws of nature or even beat it,
and thus y not within the circle of humanity, we break loose within our own legal rights?
orh go ahead and condemn while i condone,
brave the new storm storming out by the humans! storm in and out
within the eye and out of it, it is just another manmade hurricane
yawn.
as i have said, only when hell breaks loose would u know who u really are
haha..and maybe hell has broken loose here and we are all devils
be that little devil in e world u span
u deserve something u have to do.
maybe it is destined,
maybe it is just meant to be
if not, maybe u havent lived
so live it as it is a calling
am i fighting for their rights?
hell no, i am just saying, they dare to love
and maybe i am jealous of their courage
i am straight and i dun even dare to love something out of this world
comparing, i have not lived.
my passion is not from within, it is just a scotch from the matchstick
ouch
and gosh am i not falling in love with the way he toks
hahaha....falling in love with a gay is out of this world isnt it?
jo:idea...i dun try to change him but loving him for who he is
gosh, i am in for that idea!!!!!*winkz*tat is love i tell ya
how nuts is that hur? no at all, just realising it is 2am and i need to hit the sack
and nope, unlike him, nite is to be enjoyed for only stars are seen then
oh okie, piano and badminton day.
poor kelvin has to rush to EW to get tics early in the morning
and nope i dun have any rewards to guess wat movies
and kelvin is going to be my "darling darling" for the next 4 days
2:05 AM |
|
madness
rushrushrushrush
okie
tat's life
but i need a different kind
hahahahah
i need the kind tat is out of this box!!!!!
tat i face everyday
hahahah
i shall be aware of the boring stuff i do everyday
and be aware when the adrenline comes!
i think that book so chim for me
reading einstein's the world as i see it
tis is interesting
muahaha
12:24 AM |
|
Sunday, December 14, 2003
haha today met up with choonie!!!! so happy and heehee
=o)
oh well....miss her often....such a darling
hehe
can meet her in school i hope
hehehe
and i am so stuffed with durian
went merchant court hotel for dinner buffet
their durian puree is good!!!!!
nto too thick like durian flesh,
but not too thin as not be able to chew the flesh
YUM!
and now i think i am having an upset stomach!
argghhh...
and i think i better practice my piano b4 i leave for badminton tomolo
hehehe
11:46 PM |
|
sigh
today's such a nice day to sleep in
and i woke up at 1pm??
hahaha....
dunno
i need inspirations
give me that luck
hahaha
kel
i cant help being huihuilish leh!
hahaha
okie fine...u think it si huibish
coz i say bish too much isist?????
BISH!!!!!!
wat the heck is
"huihui huibishing huihuilishly"
hurhur kelvin the kelviningly kelvinor?
MUAHAHAHAHA
2:40 AM |
|
Saturday, December 13, 2003
dear....matchmake service must start again!!
haha...after u r back
gavin and kokjun!!..
hahah...intro who to kokjun?
hahaha
gavin is trying hard to lose weight!
*winkz*
and now
i am into matchmaking another guy to another girl
hahaha
but stupid, y do i have to matchmake when they r close liao?
just think i need to nudge hurhur?
hahaha...then pple would say i am so stupid
stupid then stupid lor
ahaha
watever
haha...now, it is weird seeing my frens getting worried not being attached
hahaha....queer leh..think bio clock ticking liao..hahaha
me never attached b4, and yeah i think falling in love is good
but haha...this kind of things can rush ah?..like
orhorh..i need a bf..so i go get one?
wah!...machiam like, i need popcorn i pay for one
hahaha
queer stuff but oh well....just remember
many things cant be rushed, just let it be la
heehee
now, me not worried i cant get attached or married
hehehe..
maybe becoz i still have frens that arent attached la
but hey, my singles club is forever open
hahaha....
so yeah...
CHEERS
2:14 AM |
|
went devils today and tell ya I LOVE IT!!!
haha..the place isnt chessy and the music is great!!
the live band on the other side is powerful!!!
goodness..it is a very good place i must say....
though haha...i was dancing at our table..then haha..err..
oh well
shant say...
thinking when to go back again....
i love the music..it is soooo good..
all my fav songs????
hahahhaha....
i realised..i am one who loves to dance
haha
and bochap how i dance one
hahahaha
and erps..i need alot of space
then i started to lesbian dance with jo....stupid..i was wearing skirt
so i couldnt do much..haha..coz jo doesnt know how to go down
haha..but i bet the guys surrounding us were like woah!
confirm lor...then got girls on the tables!
woohoo..but haha....some cant make it la...
haha...oh well....and my cousin was so upset...
cos his morale not there..so he no mood to dance one!
*patpat*..i will try to get la....err
hahaha....
but the queer thing and irritating thing is
whenever i go club, i think of some1..but not lewis la..
irritating leh!!!
haha...but never mind that..
next time i wanna go, then bring lewis along!
hahaha...then both of us will be siao and dance on the table!
hahahaha
onz bo lewis..haha..this guy in hainan...hahaha
1:05 AM |
|
Friday, December 12, 2003
think i have lost something, or maybe i havent
sometimes i truly wonder wat this crap is all about
no one knows wat i am toking abt,
and tat's the whole pt.
so wat if u know, do u care that much?
if u find something tat is not important to u anymore
u just ignore it from that pt onwards
oh, just so great hur?
never mind it is,
nothing lasts forever, and there's nothing i can do abt it
i am a person who doesnt show how much i care
and the problem is i never even care, or dun i?
pple only come running to me when they have a problem
tat's fine w me u know.
but i only realised, r'ship based on that arent anything at all
i am just auntie agony.
and so be it, coz i am the cause of all this
maybe this blow seems very great,
but when i look back in the past, history
just repeats itself,
and tell ya, i am super hurt
again.
i will never learn my lesson
though in drama serials, they always show
pple with steadfast sincerity would touch pple one day
i guess for once, i would say, life isnt a stage show at all
every time i look back,
i never bother with things i have lost
coz i dun see how much i can cherish it
i dunno if it is pple who intend to lose it
or unintentionally, left it there, and not knowing it
but i know, it just hurts.
i am being who i am.
be it depressive,
bubbly,
this is just me
tat's y i never, never bother to change any1 at all
coz i dun wish any1 to change me
but i realised, i am wrong.
i did wanna try to change pple? by touching their hearts?
for wat? i tell ya? but i still refused to see it as a defeat
wat defeat is this? i dunno if i have anymore energy to continue
to "fight" wat i believe,
either i am going to be stubborn, or i just let it go
it is just A THIN LINE
but u know, pple change on their own i guess
maybe so do i.
i dunno,
now, i realised, it is NOT that somethings are meant to go
it is
EVERYTHING IS MEANT TO GO
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER....
happiness is up to one to decide
determine ur happiness
at this pt
i only wish u all the best,
may u be happy
and may i find my own path of happiness
somehow i really wish our path have never crossed
coz only misery existed
for now.
12:19 PM |
|
You're an ENTP
ENTP
Ok. Ready? You like to chase the novel and complex. You have faith in your ability to overcome any challenges you face...highly independent...value adaptability and innovation...you encourage and value change...
You need freedom for action...you resist hierarchy and structure...you push against all odds to further your projects with your entrepreneurial tendencies...you can argue and find the flaws in any position...
How'm I doing so far? You rarely accept things just as they are...you like to test new meanings and relationships..when you don't get what you want, you use your cleverness and ingenuity to bring people around to your point of view...when you choose a career, you tend to set flexible goals that allow you to incorporate new information and accommodate to new circumstances...
"Keep your options open" is your middle name... you like to explore the "road not taken." Your flexibility can look like indecision to others who don't have a clue about you..you take advantage of opportunities...you realize potential of many things because of your ability to see connections and relationships between SEEMINGLY unrelated things...you cannot be ordered around, but rather handle things best when they are *suggestions*....like posting more on the Storm Palace BBS you love excitement...
Competence is key to you.. you don't take advice or respect someone you don't see as competent...you want work to be enjoyable..you're a relentless learner. Knowledge is important to you...you use your enthusiasm to get others involved in your learning...you learn through give-and-take discussions and by questioning and challenging others....you like challenging your teachers and colleagues...limitations are mere challenges to you...you take initiative, and once the ball is rolling, you like to turn it over to someone else...
You like to organize logically and strategically....your work space might not LOOK organized, but underneath it all is a system that works for you. You like to have an impact...you need a job that allows you to be innovative. you like to take risks and explore...an open calendar for the weekend is really appealing...you're often "in on the latest things..."...you like travel, 'cause it allows you to open up new vistas and horizons (corny, huh?).
Falling in love happens when there's a good "fit" with another person...you often know after the first meeting whether there's any "real potential"... you may not like to commit until that right person comes along...therefore you probably won't settle down early...you don't like to lose at ANYthing you undertake...you're a born enterpriser...
Things to be on guard for: you have a great fear of looking dumb or incomp- etent..you may tend to think you have the perfect solutions for problems, and may become competitive when others challenge you... you might start to think that you're the only one who's in on the truth of things, so you might not like to listen to the input of others...you may have the tendency to overextend yourself as you jump in on lots of ideas without considering how long it takes to work 'em through... commit to too many projects? ...you are a rebel.. you find it difficult to accept standard operating procedures.. and hate HAVING to follow exact rules or policies...learn to work within the system.
ENTP: "Each New Thought Propels"
1:06 AM |
|
met up with gavin gor...haha..thanks for ur early christmas present!
so CUTE!!!!..thanks....so touched..u treated me to lunch and movie
and a present! *big grinz*
haha...i have a very generous gor hor. haha..thanks again!
heehee..managed to catch "love me if u dare"
jeux d'enfants
haha
great show, just have to say is,
u can play a game till the pt u never know wat is real or wat is a dare
till the day u realised it, better grab it and not let it slip
but sometimes, life plays a big joke on u and u never realised
till u almost lost it forever.
oh well.
sometimes, love is there,
the adrenline is there,
the passion is there
it is a passion
it is out of this world
hahaha..and in this show,
it is love
hahahaha...
but i love the way they filmed it
great stuff
love it
12:41 AM |
|
Thursday, December 11, 2003
alot of things going thru my mind...and dunno wat to write it down here
steph going taiwan, then jo going shanghai.
dunno..
now i do know y the dream of my da jie when she was younger
i am feeling it now
and i think i am becoming like her in alot of ways
not totally, i am definitely more "outgoing" and stuff
but yeah, in terms of the way we see things,
i am becoming her
watever it is..lalalala..trying to cheer myself up with CSI and
a big cup of milo!!..must be the cocao (and gosh, forgot how to spell it?)
goodness.
thinking of wat is the daily inspiration should me
must be something positive or factual
hahah..but now, not my mind is very aspiring in any way?
sigh i am seeing things again
if i am turning like my sister,
then things will be very interesting..
hahahahahaha..
never mind, never mind,
as if any1 would understand wat i am trying to say
okie i have something inspiring to write it down
good..better than nothing.
12:28 AM |
|
oh well...i only had 4 hours of sleep and went JE swimming pool
with sister..quite fun, but cold!!!...
and played with jervis till i had a row w my parents
same old stuff again.
i am just another stubborn girl i realised,
and i never learnt my lesson.
it is high time to get a fake bf...
really..bring him home..pretend he is my bf..
then lalala.
i can go out late and ensure i tell parents
i am out w him
fuck
tat was wat i said 4 yrs ago,
when i was in ACJC, and now this shit when i am 21
oh well
just a great life
taking care of urself outside is already very tiring
u also have to keep a lookout for ur frens when u r out
that is madness already,
then u have to think of the obligations and responsibilities
tat i have to answer at home.
i tell ya, tat drives me nuts
u know how tiring it is?
i am not a superwoman
i have my own way of life,
i am not u.
i know i am a girl, but how much can u protect me?
if i dun even give a fucking damn abt myself?
i know i may not be so independent
but when i work, i work la
when i play i play
life is very tiring this way
how do i enjoy the simple pleasures like
spending a nice nite out w a few close frens together?
sigh...
the more u nag, the more i dun wanna tell ya wat happens to me
-- this is for me and steph...--
12:04 AM |
|
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
suddenly i am feeling very very sick...
my chest...watever is there, stomach or wat
is churning and my hands are sort of quivering???
must be downing too much water at one go and
it is though i have down too much coffee????
and now i am so irritated w myself...thinking of stupid things
and i remembered the thot i have a few months back
and now, i really wanna do it..
and i know, somehow, instinct,
if i were to do it, i will really give away something that
could mean certain importance in my life...
but wait a min...how i know it is important in my life?
i dun give a damn i think...sheesh...forever
never know wat is important hur? till i have lost it.
i may have lost it once u know....
watever...so i dunno, am i going to be dumb?
when it comes, i will see how things go
jo: hey girl, take care of urself...rest more
and dun fall sick b4 going shanghai.
think i am going to miss ya in a while again?
we hardly meet up and tok these days hur..hahaha...
feeling very lethagic now...like as though i am going to leap off
the building...
listening to norah jones now, it is soothing but suddenly i feel sad
must be my stomach or watever ard my chest area is making feel shitty
i just cant find the word to describe it, feeling a bit tight to breathe
oh wat the heck.
damn, my hair better dry soon, and i really hate to use the dryer!
how do i go swimming tomolo????
watever, i shant be a spoiler for my sister
will just go pack my bag now...
suddenly, the very stupidity i felt then is coming back again
sigh, how i hate to be bothered by it.
and suddenly, i miss my eye candy.
really wanna see him again....
hahahaha....
but it is not him that bothers me la...
i will never let such things bother me
haha
stupidity is coming back...argh...
maybe i should be stupid for once.
just for that moment!
damn, bloody hell, i need to calm my nerves...
1:22 AM |
|
hehe....i am waiting for isetan private sale and will get that levis jeans!!!
argh....long long wait...in the end i only need ot pay 45 bucks!!!
so come quick. steph and i super excited abt the new pair of jeans
pray pray pray
hahaha....
nothing much happened though i felt i am lucky to find
gal frens who have similar ideas with me
xinlan me and steph wanna go eat durians at geylang!!
woohoo..cant wait for that to happen..
lalalalala
feeling alot of fun coming..finally
but so tired...haha...
oh well
swimming tomolo morning...dunno if i can even make it
gosh.......
8am?..my sister is mad...totally mad!
i need to sleep....
zzzz
12:52 AM |
|
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
hehe...forgot to post this here but then again,
wat is YUAN? only god knows i guess.
decided to pen a song down, not a poem this time
and maybe when the chord strikes,
i would pen down the rhythm too.
*winkz*
how i miss u
that cold wind blows again,
thru that window u left long ago.
sweet sweet melody rings,
how i miss u once again.
everynite i sit right here,
waiting for ur arms to surround my world
every day, that door never opens.
i am so stuck here, not knowing if anything
still goes on,
w/o u here,
my life has stopped.
c:
take my wings and soar.
take me away with u.
to the place where we belong,
to where our love bloomed.
how could it ever die? and it just scratched my heart
it hurts again.
how i miss u again.
records play nonstop over the radio
there goes our favourite song.
i hum along, closing my eyes,
i feel ur breath at my ear,
i feel ur heart beat beside me
lying down, a dream weaved.
a dream not realised, a forgotten promise
tat nite was the only nite,
nakedness said it all,
but u left anyway,
to the land far away.
how i miss u again.
repeat c:
just take me with u
and stop the pain
just take me with u
fly to where we belong
just take me away with u
2:27 AM |
|
a weird weird day i must say, to make things worse, the weather
is sort of cold and hot. very uncomfortable actually,
but it is really very nice to sleep in, just i woke up at 12pm
oh well,
enjoyed that 1 hr of aloneness at home
NICE......
bought LOTRs book at 23 bucks.haha..good bargain hor?
oh well..saved alot actually and now waiting for something good to come along
haha...yeah, good jazz cd. i still have another 27 bucks in my borders card
hehe....
lalalalala...
it is the same old feeling all over again.
though my mind has been playing pranks on me for some time,
but nothing beats a good realisation i guess.
nothing will happen and i thot something would happen
i fret, i was confused, then now
it is all so clear to me.
i started to believe a make up thot and believed it
goodness....
never mind, at least i have come to see the truth
hahaha....now, i think less, cant say i havent thot of it no more
just that i think less, more "steady"..hahaha...
never been, only when flutters ard the uncertainty,
i sway.
sorry to say i have woken up from a dream,
never knew if it was sweet or draining,
i just woke up to this web of illusions and wishful thinking
everyday, i know daydreaming keeps me sane
but never realised that everynite,
i dreamt it, in hope to turn it into reality
it does no good to me at all,
i can be so torn,
but at least, i have only played games with my own mind
thinking the dream has come true.
torn is my mind, but scratched my heart
it still hurts
12:18 AM |
|
Monday, December 08, 2003
i am just being plain dumb
all along, i have been so stupid to realise it
nothing will happen
again in my life, it wont happen
then again,
everynight, i think so much.
knowing, i am wishing for the impossible
and only now,
i have seen it finally
how dumb can i get
it hurts like hell somehow
wat pain is there to tok abt?
it is the thot of it
and it is just dumb to be hurt by a thot
hahaha...i am nuts. it is the time la
it is 2.10am that's y
but yeah, never to be as dumb as me okie?
*winkz*
2:10 AM |
|
blogger is down!
it's been a long time since i last blog here....okie i am guilty but heck
haha...most of my frens dun know this existence! anyway, i need to revamp my table but too lazy to get down to it. heck it anyway
so sad...eye candy...me and him on a "hot" date din fall thru..
haha...so like how?..and steph said, dun la...dun bother..
hahaha....duh...knowing another god is good..but then again..
as if i dunno him like this??..haha..poor andy who has to play matchmaker for him
haha...middleman is never nice...kelvin said...u go when he ask u directly la!
hahaha...but who cares? i am more interested in the 2nd most impt man in my life,
Jervis. that's my family outing...might be bringing him out!..tat's sounds great hurhur?...of coz, knowing my darling boy would try to tok and walk!
splendid...and cant wait to drive the car once again..mymy
life is getting alittle stale..but surviving..going shopping on tues i guess
maybe going to watch matrix again, with andy...juz to keep him company. poor guy, haha..his "darling" doesnt wanna watch w him..hahaha...so ask this buddy of his..
and gotta meet up gavin gor. gosh...so much things and shopping with steph on tues
then wat else?...waiting for the chance to be home alone, blast the sound system and read my book..ahhh...wouldnt that be marvellous?
and i think i might invest in the jazz christmas cd by coffee bean
think it would be the best way to feel christmas..i love it u know.
listening to nice christmas songs, accompanied with jazz or orchestra...wow
mind blowing...and totaly relaxation. cant wait..and christmas isnt lonely dudes and babes!...haha...just thinking if i should try to get some nice restaurant for me sab and chris to dine for our mini celebration for turning 21...haha..
gotta wait till both are back...=o) tat would be late dec..gosh...
now, just looking forward windsurfing tat's all..hahaha...
and LOTRs...this, i promised to watch with kelvin..haha...heehee..
and how intriguing hur?...promising some1 and have to stick to it!
and of coz, i am glad to do it...=o)
haha...now thinking of how to kill my time.
maybe i would go swimming tomolo..but i am running out of time.guess tomolo is just
piano session and tat's it. i am dying of boredom. maybe i will go and get LOTRs book at borders with the voucher. ouch.hahaha....going to be broke once again.
and i have yet to get my watch, jeans and hair clip
hair clip is easy...just a few bucks...watch?..hahaha....broke
jeans...okie fine...nothing fits into my body so far..
then i am waiting for family shopping trips...my parents would pay for me!!!!!
all i need is a new pair of shoes for school, slip ons of coz..
coz i think my blue URS is dying...very soon..the strap will come off...give it another 1-2 months..
i am getting super low maintainence.
i pay everything myself again..hahaha...think again..i forgot to pass eph the 10 bucks!
suck....
1:09 AM |
|
Sunday, December 07, 2003
decided to add on something stupid..but to me, it sounds super true now
guys never like their girls too smart
or rather, guys never like girls too smart
so if u are a smart girl, u have to act dumb
if u r not a smart girl, beware the cheaters
so yeah,
wat the heck? hahaha
the game is played on and forever
either 1 plays hard to get or both do that
then later got yuan no fen
hahaha....
life like this
i just remembered the songs zheng zhong ji sang
and it is so true so true, that i remembered telling myself
when i first heard the songs
that the lyrics speak the truth tat pple dun wish to see at all
hahaha...beware the trap of it hur...
hahaha...
4:04 AM |
|
haha...dormant for 1 day hurhur...went for elena's chalet and
hehe...enjoyed myself! really quite fun...the mahjong sessions...
and KTV sessions..corny!!!! and elena's frens and father..
hahaha...imagine while i played mahjong...elena's father kept looking at me
and kept saying..."u ah..very bubbly and cute leh.." untill i dunno how to respond
luckily huimin and steph to the rescue and started to luff off their heads..
*blush* then elena's frens went "the 2 of them very lively leh...."
just becoz i was the one who managed to throw a plate of cream onto
the bday girl's neck?..hahaha...tat's my speciality this yr..
collectin cake cream and beautify the bday person!
so beware!!!!*winkz*
went for fergus' house warming..and somehow..i love his room
though small but very cosy besides the messy corner of teddy bears!!!!
i love his bed..haha...not to mention all his pillows and stuff...so nice
i was abt to fall asleep on his bed...
but it was great meeting up the void deckers again!!!
hey pple...we must have more of this!!!! and
derick better drive us home if we go fergus home..
so far..sengkang...goodness!!!!!
hehe
x'mas party....onz?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
jo..u organise one la!..haha..at least i can stay over..
lalalalalalalalalala and darling...wanna to meet up or not..
haha...totally tired out from this week and i have a lot to do next week!!
dunno how...we 2 like never tok to each other...even though we met,
me was pmsing..hahaha....
and sheesh..dunno..wed...is ubin..i like..err..dunno leh..aiyah!!!
heehee...oh well..so paiseh...and
maomao..think durian season coming again
OUCH....those pple should know wat i am saying!
hahahahahahahaha.....
wat else do i wanna add today? dunno..later la..
but haha....i am nuts...
=o)
2:16 AM |
|
Friday, December 05, 2003
toking about depression, i sort of snapped out of it...
i guess when it is a problem that arose within urself,
u just need to have a heart to heart tok with urself, and yeap
i was toking to myself when i got home from orchard.
i was home alone of coz, and i started to tok to myself in the bathroom
hahha...i was soft enuff not to let the neighbours know wat i was toking abt!!!
*winkz* and while trashing things out with myself, and of coz the evil(this case
is it depressed!) and the angel (the happy me) and the 3rd voice
were sounding....hahah..sounds eerie hurhur?...hahaha...but too bad
i was trashing things out and i realised alot of things, though now i cant
recall wat actualy happened...oops..but yeah, it was enlightening
actually not that enlightening just that, it dawned on me suddenly
as i have always preached...hahah...that one should always learn to love oneself
becoz u cant make every1 in this world loves u. impossible.
but at least showing certain selflove and selfrespect, u know
when walking this life journey, be it alone or with some1,
u still have some1 who still loves u, that is urself.
and it is this some1 who hasnt given u up, and tat's y
u r still walking!
(and damn..i just accidentally deleted some good words....and i cant
remembered wat i have written!!)
anyway, back to the topic..
humans err, so do i
humans have both strengths and weaknesses
so do i.
i must learn abt all of it and continue to self improve
of coz i am subjected to pain and hurt,
but i still have to absorb it hur??
but hey, i realised i am also very human
i need pple to care and concern lor..yeahyeah
so wat if i am independent? and strong and tuff??
i am only human..but hahaha...i guess, i would tend to receive less of these la!
*winkz* but cant be helped, but i guess so far, i have survived...
actually the trash out session has more than wat meets the eye
and i know wat is going on, guess, i cant put all them down here
and i actually cant remembered it, but i just needed to write it down somewhere
so i would remember it.
thankfully, i regained that confidence i have.
hahaha....kelvin, maybe u r right,
for fighting for so long, i hardly see results, may have caused all these
but doesnt mean i never accept failures...i do have many a times
when i have failed, and got very upset...hahah....just sometimes
i have worked hard (in my sense..heehee) to get things done
and hahaha..dunno lor...i guess
i realised, who i really am now, okie so far la! but got more comfortable
and see a little clearer who i really am, and then i can stop asking too much hur?
thank goodness....sometimes
a heart to heart tok with urself helps alot
just like when u meet a problem, u try to tok calmly with the other party involved
nice hur?
haha...yeah...i am an entity, so yeah..hahaha...
oh well..i guess, for the past year i guess it was horrid la...
really, many stuff crashing down.
haha... savage garden's crash and burn
and then i remember the voice within
and then i recalled
always trust ur basic instinct, the very first instinct.
that is the way it should be and never doubt it.
let it guides u along the way, and learn it.
take carez and yeah christmas is around the corner
though i am not a christian but i guess it is a day
that where family and frens should get together and spend it well
just take it as an opportunity to show u care..
but i am so lazy to make cards this yr!!!!!!
hahahaha....
*oink*
1:07 AM |
|
Thursday, December 04, 2003
caught love actually, and yeap my 2nd movie for the week...hahaha
nope and i am not going to break the record of 3 movies in a week
i am broke!!!!
alot of things happened today, and finally, okie maybe it is temporary but
i snapped out of my blues....hahaha..though i was a little pissed but
nah...nothing much to mention but alot alot are going thru my mind
and remember, everything in this post is written under a calm and quite at ease mind
woke up quite early to meet sab and just walking down orchard road, it felt really weird
though my mood wasnt quite discerning, it was more like "i have tons of things to settle!!"
when i reached PS, finally got to meet up sab!!!..was quite happy to see her again....
and we toked and haha...revelations came...but hey girl, it's okie la...that u din tell us la
u have ur reasons i guess...=o)
and caught love actually and somehow i love this show
most of the couples got together and yeah qouting the movie
"love actually is all around" and it showed how, by relating pple to pple
from country to country, okie la...but haha..this english movie sort of hate USA
so yeah, it was corny....when it was suaning about USA president and blondes
haha but then again, there's one couple that din get together, but i think they would in the end
qouting for the jap drama serial i jsut watched
"u have to speak ur mind if not the other party would never understand ur views"
and it was presented in the movie, where the little boy actually harnessed the courage,
dashed thru the airport securitites and told his dream girl,
"i love u"
orhhh....and he was so cute..hahaha...he went to learn drums for her...
orhh...things pple do for love hur..haha..EVEN KIDS!
and there are love about family, this lady who took care of her brother,
who was nursing in some home...and she sort of gave up her dream man..
alittle sad, but wat she did was for the love of her brother.
and even the love for frens, the outdated singer who turned out tops for the charts
hahaha...spent his christmas not with elton john, but his manager
who he always ridiculed when he is live on shows.
and he told him
"christmas is about spending time with the ones u loved, and i came back,
coz i realised, i love u!"
hahaha....orhhh....
u know, i felt this movie, was preaching love...ahh...for everything
it is indeed, love actually is all around..
the prelude of the movie went
"everytime i stand at the arrival hall of ______ airport, i see love is around
this society all the time toks abt money and selfishness,
but when 911 happened, last words sending out from the planes were words of love
not hate."
it is so sweet u know
hahaha..
have u shown sufficient concern for ur loved ones?
seriously, even those pple u said u love so much,
ur frens, not say every1, but would u regret when one day, they arent ard anymore
would u regret not telling them how much u loved them? and show u care?
i duno..i can tell ya..i havent done it u know...not in person definitely..
and there was this guy in the movie, b4 it could tell his wife how a darling she was,
god abruptly took her life away...
and he regretted it.....but soemtimes, it was alittle too late hur?
actually, i wondered sometimes, i much concern i did show to my family and frens
those i truly am concerned...dunno too, but at least haha...after that arguement w my er jie
and thru all the things i have been doing for the past few days, i think i did show concern for
my family...okie i may be self comforting myself..but at least i tried my best...
dunno as for frens, i guess i din do much sometimes la...every1 has their own lives
like when i met up xin and ephraim, hahah....sorry gor and gor sao,
but they can be in their own world..heehee..but..as usu, i felt like a BIG lightbulb
hahahahah...but we were getting some1's house warming present la...
okie i digressed, but was thinking when i was depressed,
words of encouragements came from pple who knew i was depressed,
and was i even SANE enuff to realised it was care and concern?
i dunno....sorry guys...u know who u were la...but thanks again la...=o)
11:58 PM |
|
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
hahaha......this is so interesting
hahahah...he is interested in me!!
hahaha..i was right afterall
hahahahahha
BINGO
somehow, i dun fail to catch this kind of things!!!!!
hahahahahhaa
goodness..i am really lufifng my head off
can u believe my eye candy..hahaha..interested in me?
but he doesnt know i treat him as eye candy
hahahahhaa..........
but so?
but u know wat..he is right
he has car, he has 1st class honours (should be la)
hahah....wat more do i ask for? somemore my eye candy!
hahah...
*faintz*
interesting interesting....
*winkz*
i have got a feeling coz he doesnt know who i am
beware dude....hahahah
but damn la...wat the fish
life sucks like this
it is always back when u r always given choices at the SAME TIME
hahahahah
long story long story
hahahah
just take it as knowing a fren la....
11:30 PM |
|
toking to glynn once again over icq, and felt a sense of gratitude towards him
he was actually the one who brought me into chem eng,
and we are both toking how dumb sometimes we can be.
he was definitely, maybe, an arts person more than an eng or science person
his languages are always powerful, he has no problems debating,
writing a beautiful essay. i guess, sometimes, interests and talents
never match. and it brings back to me, whether choosing chem eng
is a bad choice or wat?
but i guess, all of us have made up our minds, we cant turn back
at least i hold fast, till now.
phew, but i still have the most siong 3 sems to come.
i cant just break down like this, no way, and not to join this course
to quit it. toking to glynn always make me feel at ease
dunno y, even back in acjc, it can be such an enjoyment, and i bet with u,
he never knew that. *winkz*
haha, and now,
think my family and frens who still stick ard are sort of very WEI DA
imagine u pple can tolerate me and my nonsense, and my childishness
goodness.....
u guys have a very very big tolerance level man...
sometimes, i just dun get it man...
how do u guys do it??....sometimes, i cant even tahan...
u pple actually can???
my family and my frens...hahah....
thank u ...
1:52 AM |
|
gosh, i am having some terrible cramps?
cant my life be alittle more plain????...1st was some terrible moodswings
think i might enter depression, and thenw as terrible headache
and now, cramps, very very bad cramps....
it showed how unhealthy i have become
weaker body i guess, not getting younger, but older each day
lewis said something, "it seems that time flies really really fast,
and u never realised half a year has gone, those frens of mine
who came back in june for holidays, would be coming back soon
and u dun even have time to miss them or think abt them at all"
how true hur? everything froze in time and u never give much of a 2nd thot
and they just come back!..hahaha...life like this...at this stage
hahah, i just wanna rest and not do anything at all, maybe it was a blessing in disguise
that i din go overseas, but i guess the excitement of going overseas
could just overwhelm the fatigue in me.
heehee...
slept like a pig, and will continue to sleep like a pig is my motto for the holidays
i really need to recharge. b4 antoher hectic semester comes in, with FYP
yeah....i have to do that....gosh....and to think i am in 3rd yr??
suddenly, i dunno how to response to mnay many things
i am completely warped and totally lost. maybe it is the time to rethink
maybe not think so much, but as if i can stop..hahaha....
but truly, take a step back and savour all the time i have spent for the past 4 yrs.
truly amazing stuff, and never felt i am 21 yrs old, really,
i recalled on sunday, i was even wearing that children party hat
and sitting down in front of the tv watching finding nemo.
how nice, sitting ard with all the kids...enjoying the cartoon with them.
i feel totally like a full-blown kid, with no shame or childishness in me
but i felt totally with them though i never understood wat they were trying to say
okie, c'mom, baby tok, i dun do it often hahaha...but at least as a cousin i bothered to listen
hahaha...they were cute, and frenly, and just plain simple.
u see that sparkle in their eyes? can u feel their enthusiasim when they tok abt the toy
or movie or something they actually have their personal pt of view?
i wish to have given them a hug and go, thanks kiddo, u have made my day!
maybe it is the simplistic of life that i always look forward to,
but how much is there a regular, mandane life most have?
how differnet can it get? and how often do we enjoy each day,
like never? i dun think i wish to question it now, nor do i start lamenting
how unlucky i am for the past 3 yrs.
i just wish to live. hahahaha...
there's nothing to stop me actually
damn, bloody hell, i can feel nothing but the cramp...
and sleep is getting better....at least tat is the comfort i have!!
yipee!!
12:35 AM |
|
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
it was great!!!
movie: MASTER AND COMMANDER, THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD
it was a good movie i would say, the war scenes were fantastic
but i like the part when the doctor removed the bullet from his own body
himself w/o any anesthatic (how do u spell this??)
anyway, i love it, the sound track would be great
alot of duet, strings quartets.
hahaha...
NICE
okie, i am going to rest more and more and more
think it was PMS, but still think i need a lot of rest...
and i think that antibiotics consist of sleeping powder?
i am so sleepy......
i have to breathe every moment,
even b4 i close my eyes,
being conscious is like poison to a plant,
i have to purge all thorns and toxic
b4 i rest.
3:35 PM |
|
i wish i can just cry and sleep and wake up to a fine morning
but i just cant.
argh..
this is worse than some love addiction,
it is super demoralising.....
i am feeling super super tired.
very tired.
this is asking more than blood and sweat.
it is asking for my life...
arghh....
and being stuck in such situation,
i am still trying to lend a listening ear
i must be nuts
yeah,
i am nuts.
when u stand in a crowd,
screaming and yelling,
kicking a fuss like the sea is storming,
but no 1 turns ard and even take a look at u
u know, that the noise has been silenced.
12:37 AM |
|
it is a very very terrible day. i realised so many things that i have forgotten my
very own existence.
and today, i actually confessed to myself, (even to my piano teacher)
that i am going into depression soon. and u know wat?
i bet most of u dun believe that i am going into that stage but i am
depression comes in w/o much warning i guess, so if 1 day i dun
remember ur name (but when do i ever remember pple's name?)
dun remember who u r exactly, well..maybe i am in depression then
coz my piano teacher has a fren's fren who just snapped into depression one day
and never recognised any1 at all in her family and frens and cant even take care of herself
and i just got scared that i would become like this. if so,
i rather die..really i rather die, coz i dun wanna become a nusiance..
goodness.....
but gladly she is recovering from her depression and finally remember most things
i guess it is the mind decided to shut off from reality....hahahaha
i am having tons of headaches, yeah think too much
(and now i can hear others' voices telling me not to think too much)
and all i can say is, AS IF I CAN HELP IT LIKE THIS?!
suddenly i dun feel like continuing, but i just wanna to say alot of things
but i just refused to write it down here.
maybe i always have been taught to solve my own problems,
become the always independent girl that can solve her own problems
who is tough enuff to take care of herself and always can overcome problems
1 who can help others, may not be able to help herself.
if one day, u feel so lost so lost that u jsut dunno where u wanna to go?
dunno wat u wanna to do? u just sit there and stare and suddenly
tears just roll down ur cheeks and u cant help but sob,
and u always think u r a good-for-nothing, useless person on this earth
i advice u, go and look for help. at least just tok to somehow who can listen
b4 u really get into depression okie?
no matter how strong a person is, how tough a person is,
he or she is always vulnerable, susceptible to breaking down
it is a matter of time.
that is y sometimes, i rather look out for pple who always seem tougher
stronger in nature, coz i know exactly how it feels when u wish to turn to some1
for help, and u dunno where to start, and everything starts to snowball
supressed in u, and one day, u will become so tired and when u wanna cry for help
no 1 seems to heed it, it feels very miserable and draining on ur mental health
hopefully by wednesday i am fine
coz now, the only thing i am comforting myself is,
it could be PMS.
but i fear it could be worse...sigh...but at least i am still sane
enuff to recognise it myself.......
maybe i would check out more abt depression and put it up
hopefully, it can help some1 who is very very upset over something
headache is getting really bad...think i start saving money
just in case i really snap, at least i wont be a burden to my family
hrmmm......think i have money, that is meant for my overseas trip
u must think i am mad, i am like preparing for my funeral.
something like this,
but i guess, i have to gain back the faith
at this rate, i am going hate myself,
but no 1 is going to walk this path with me
only myself.
coz when i snap, only me in my own world
at least i am not crying while typing this!
hahaha....
oh my god, this afternoon, it was terrible
let me just pray it is just PMS hur???
*wink*
i always make problems sound less serious
but have u ever thot abt the seriousness of a problem
tat wasnt urs at all?
12:00 AM |
|
Monday, December 01, 2003
just realised, not saying i am very very supertitious? but i somehow believe
in one's life is determined the moment he or she is borned
and u know wat,
i realised that i always have to learn things THE HARD WAY
and pple always think i am quite a lucky person, but never realised
how much i have to go thru b4 i can reach the "results" i have obtained
yeah every1 goes thru tons of shit, i agree too.
but how are we do compare hur?
but all i know is, thruout this 21 yrs i have attempted to get things done
i have always failed to do it.
i do not accept failures for i refused to believe i cant succeed
that is the way i see passion in wat i choose to believe
but doesnt mean i do not face them,
if i dun, i wont be able to stand up again.
everytime i have to proof pple wrong, i have to go a long way
and yet fail to show my worth.
coz i cant change their warped perception of me
i guess i cant help it, and cant control it at all...
then when i just realised my life has alot of to do with removing obstacles
i cant blame any1 at all...maybe once in a while, i would curse the heavens
for making things super hard for me
but pple say, that would make me grow up.
but how many pple see it?, esp for those who i care so much
i believe my life isnt just abt me, yeah contradiction here but
i have certain obligations in life that i have to fulfil and meet
these are responsibilitoes that cant be ignored and it is for
betterment of oneself.
then reading the stars and numerolgy yesterday,
reconfirmed the way i perceive my life to be
LEARN THE HARD WAY
maybe kelvin is right, it has been a long time since i last see
quality results or outcomes from my life, and felt totally useless
but the pt is, i always think i am a good-for-nothing
so much of learning the hard way,
i only learnt i am a good-for-nothing.
so another 21 yrs down the road, when i turn 42, wat would i think abt myself then?
i can bet w u, it would be the same thing over and over again.
i cant jump out of my own vicous cycle
but now, i really really refuse to admit my life is about learning the hard way
but i cant escape something that is there.
it's me
i am not saying i am a total failure in life
many pple view some things in my life as success
but they mean nothing to me at all
coz those things arent important to me at all.
i view wat i care most as things i wish i can at least do well in
but i lack such luck.
pple think i am rather lucky in many many ways,
and i know, i can be lucky only for some time.
life is always going up and down, and now, i dare say
it is going downhill, and still is.
i dunno when i can see the turning pt,
maybe till the day i stop lamenting of my idiotic thinking
but supposedly, they are just thots,
that i din even bother to spend it,
maybe that is the only wealth i have this life
i always felt an affinity towards buddhism,
not the religion, but the school of thought
it always never fail to make me at peace with this world
i have so much to learn from this world,
and maybe i should stop thinking and bind myself tightly
with things i thot it was impt.
things that are larger than life may be the things i am looking for
wat are these? i have no idea at all.
at this pt, i realised, this is the HARD WAY that i have been walking all along
sigh,
sometimes, i really hate the process, though inevitably, that is the way it is
becoz as one grows older and less wiser,
knowledge is thot to be the only power to live thru,
but sometimes maybe it is will power
when there's a will, there's always a way
may that way be THE WAY i have been looking for
this is not part of the school of thought of buddhism
but taoist.
i am the balance of both
1:24 AM |
|
okie today was a great day...hahaha...had tons of fun...and jervis was so cute!!
and goodness, he is very smart boy....goodness..hahaha!!
u know..today was watching this taiwan tok show that was on young mums
it was like a debate fashion, with 1 older generations and the other side consists
of really young mums.
the older generations' thinking are really really warped!!
even my mum who is like 55 yrs old? CUN STAND THE WAY THEY TOK?!?!?
hahah
my mum more havoc in a sense la..
goodness....those aunties cant think and alwyas think the "gu" they went thru
are the only "gu" in life...others' "gu" is never comparable!!!
oh watever..hahaha..never my mum cant stand it!!!
FAINTZ!!!
and i totally admired the young mums
they made their choices and do their job well
tat is the most impt!
12:00 AM |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
