for a world that doesnt exist
for a universe that stands still
contact:
relacon@gmail.com
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DAILY INSPIRATION:
this day, i pray
this day, i smile
this day, i wish u all the best!
Archives
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wat u want to abt me?
and why?
how much can u find out,
when i dun even know
who i am?
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Saturday, April 30, 2005
it din turn out too bad
my shepherd's pie din need the oven..
it went well with the toaster oven anyway!
hahaha..
i think i would be super busy the next week. after which, i need to do something abt wat i would like to do in the future.
hotelier.
Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him.
Your Desired Objective
Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.
Your Actual Problem
Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.
Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.
and i am stupefied.. it is soooo accurate!!! hahahaha
11:40 PM |
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Friday, April 29, 2005
it is over!!!!!!! finally
think it is the end to my student life.
hahahaha...
i have finished this chapter
and all i can say, i would miss those days where the girls and i would chat up,
doing non studious stuff hahaha...
tat's all i cherished out of the 4 years!!! hahaha
and i need to dance soon and tan!!! means swim swim.. hehehe
and pms is starting
i am only looking fwd to USA!!!!!!
23 may!!!
12:48 AM |
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
toking to dearie reminded me of something
stickiness (now it reminds me of glass transition temperature!)
b/w bgr... hahaha
feeling much better after a good cry in the day..and i shant say for wat? but at least food tech gave me hope once again...at least it made more sense for this exams
not petrochem
when 2 are in love, usu, pple do things u never expect to do.
and of coz, being silly, stupid, childish are just one of the things u just do.
but i guess, as pple get in and out of r'ships, pple learn and grow
to give space, personal space to each other. it is utterly impt
i guess it is more than just wat frens could do sometimes.
but i can tell u, duhly, tat different r'ships do different miracles
remembered watching that hk drama serial "rainbow in the dark"
it touched on many things, like love, family and stuff and made alot of sense to me
and i do say ME...
all in all, in my opinion, life is a journey, searching, comtemplating, choosing
seriously, i am forever thinking i am always doing the wrong things, not worse but wrong. and i have no idea y. like making the wrong choice, making the wrong decision, making the wrong move, searching in the wrong direction
but i guess, i am trying to keep faith (hopefully it is not the wrong faith) tat everything would just turn out fine. good, and gay.
i guess each of us holds a hope, many dreams. sigh, to me, i am too focused on the wrong things, as some would say, or i am doing things tat is wrong.
sometimes i dunno myself anymore. coz if wat i am doing is wrong, so wat makes me?
erratic hui? hahaha...beats me anyhow.
maybe, making mistakes is a joy too. but i thot it had brought me more tears than luffter. maybe it is tat journey to my own happiness.. who knows?
take care my girl, maybe sometimes, all of us need a space to breathe, to be ourselves and be us. it takes one to understand one doesnt it?
looking fwd to usa...maybe i would see a different perspective in life!
11:59 PM |
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Monday, April 25, 2005
i'm spinning around. get out of my way...
why tok to me when u just want to say hi and then gone?
is tat called toking? or more like greetings?
i like the music of this song. it was really a chill out music on a lazy sunday.
now i know y i have screwed up my petrochem. hahahaha..
You Make Me Want To Fall In Love
(FIR)
我愿用我有限的永远 交换曾经快乐的泪水
穿越不安地带 穿越所有危险 来到你身边
* 我有时相信美丽的预言 却又不想如此心甘情愿
直到你的出现 才了解这一切 因为你而改变
# You make me want to fall in love
就在这一刻 Oh~ 也不管明天会如何
只要今生有你左右 陪着我不再寂寞
You make me want to fall in love 就在这一刻
Oh~ 瞬间也可以是永恒 只要每个寂寞时候
爱的回忆留在我心中
Repeat * #
就算岁月带你走 就算距离淹没我
还是一直守候着 我会永远为了你存在
Repeat #
只要每个寂寞时候 爱的回忆留在我心中
only the young would understand the meaning of doing the right things
and not the things that they like to do. the responsibilities when u turn adult
only the young would understand
maybe becoz, i am not a good conversationist.
so damn hot. so damn hot!!!!! i dun wish to get my skin all scarred again.
no more stress baby, no more... breathe and everything will be fine
船到桥头自然直.
been great the past few days. dunno y the mood went to hit the rocks today
hahaha....it must have been the back waves not happy with the front and threw them onto the rocks. SPLISH... worrisome worrisome. hahahaha....
i think i am starting to look at other jobs. like maybe customer serivce at banks
so wat if s*lzer never ask me back? wat can i do? i have met hypocrites. i think i shant push blame onto them. mich and i agreed, we were just assholes not to do anything abt it. but i tell u, mich doesnt have to worry. afterall she should have 1st class whereas, i am just going to have a 3rd class IF i din pull it down further!
yesh, i know i would also brag grades arent nothing! i wish i have something to prove
but i am doing better at totally different genre. really.
god, i need a guidance. who or wat can show me?
i know my only responsibility is not enjoying life after exams. but look for a job and start contributing. i think i think too highly of myself! chemical engineering job? pui!!! dun think i'll get it. i would love to be like mich to do design
i am sure fw would love her, not me...tat's for sure!
i dun think i can continue like this.
no 1 to blame anyway...
time to type tat resume differently!
11:52 PM |
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
a good morning to one and all.
i have discovered yet another log. it has been there for ages.
as i turned over the pages, every speck of dust flies up slowly
on a hot, humind highly thunderous day, all i feel is the intense heat shrouding over my body. each bead of perspiration trickling down my forehead just took its time to evaporate.
it was unbearable as i watched that show on television. the pace of the love movie gave me only yawns and sleepy eyes. how boring.
the blades of the fan rotated at speed one. slow like a snail, i only felt the wind in my hair on my left ankle. maybe it is becoz i din shave properly.
to hell!!! to Heaven!!! hail hail, come wat may! i will fight.
it is the shield tat sends u to death. the sword in ur hands would melt in my presence.
look at the star!!! it looks so bright. it's getting brighter!!ouch ouch ouch!!! it is getting unbearably bright...it is too glaring.. my eyes.. my eyes!!!
as i put on my dancing shoes, i tap twice on the left.
i started out the rumba walk, slow and steady. with my chin up, i look walk to the mirror, every stretch, every body movement, every look. i have to be rumba.
come to me my love, come to me, and i am ur rumba.
counting down days like peeling the petals off the rose. is there, isnt there? i walked, and i left a trail of rose petals behind me. the scent lingers only behind me. wat for? it is all in the past.
state ur name! state ur name! or i would not open the gates!
stranger o stranger. why come and meet ur doom? the soul gate is forever close if only u unlock ur own lock!
i only spent 6 hours on unserious studying for petrochem. and i am not kidding.
i seriously watched tv for 6 hours.
thru those eyes i see when u play ur car.
thru those smiles i see when u look at me.
tat radiant, tat love, has warmed me.
anyway, this is something i read last week, but i felt it is good.
so there, it proved only 1 good method! so behold!
Depression
Talk is cheap
Apr 14th 2005
From The Economist print edition
And surprisingly effective
FOR almost a century after Sigmund Freud pioneered psychoanalysis, “talk therapy” was the treatment of choice for many mental illnesses. Artists and writers lined up to lie down and be analysed, and the ideas of Freud, Jung, and other influential psychiatrists permeated the intellectual world. They also seeped into the popular consciousness, and still pop up today whenever someone talks of a subconscious desire, a Freudian slip, a death wish, or an Oedipal complex. But advances in neurology, and especially in pharmacology, have called such therapy into question. When psychological and emotional disturbances can be traced to faulty brain chemistry and corrected with a pill, the idea that sitting and talking can treat a problem such as clinical depression might seem outdated.
Robert DeRubeis of the University of Pennsylvania and his colleagues beg to differ, however. They have conducted the largest clinical trial ever designed to compare talk therapy with chemical antidepressants. The result, just published in Archives of General Psychiatry, is that talking works as well as pills do. Indeed, it works better, if you take into account the lower relapse rate.
The study looked at a relatively modern type of talk therapy, known as cognitive therapy, which tries to teach people how to change harmful thoughts and beliefs. Patients learn to recognise unrealistically negative thoughts when they occur, and are told how to replace them with more positive ones. It may sound too simplistic to work, but other studies have shown it can be used to treat anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders. Dr DeRubeis wondered just how effective it really was for depression.
In the study, 240 patients with moderate to severe depression were divided into three groups. One group was treated with cognitive therapy, a second with Paxil, an antidepressant drug, and members of the third group were given placebo pills. (Those in the second and third groups did not know whether their pills were placebos or not.) After 16 weeks of treatment, the results for those on cognitive therapy and drugs were identical. Some 58% had shown perceptible improvement. By contrast, only 25% of those on the placebo improved. That was encouraging. But the really surprising advantage of cognitive therapy is that it seems to keep working even after the therapy sessions are over. A year after treatments ended, only 31% of those who had received it had relapsed into their former state, while 76% of those who had been given antidepressants, and then been taken off them, had done so. Even patients who stayed on antidepressants for the intervening year did not do any better than those who had taken cognitive therapy and then quit.
If Dr DeRubeis's study can be replicated (an important “if” in a soft-edged discipline such as psychotherapy), it has implications for the way clinical depression should be approached in the future. One consideration, at least in America, where the study was done, is that many medical-insurance companies that are willing to pay for antidepressant drugs nevertheless refuse to pay for psychotherapy. A successful replication of the DeRubeis study ought to change that—not least because cost-benefit analysis shows that while cognitive therapy is more expensive than drug treatment to start with (since it involves extended one-to-one sessions with a highly paid specialist), it is cheaper in the long run because prescriptions do not have to be refilled indefinitely.
Which is not to say that cognitive therapy will suit everyone with depression. According to Dr DeRubeis, it is still likely that some patients will respond better to drugs than conversation. The next breakthrough might be a way of working out in advance who fits which treatment
10:48 PM |
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Saturday, April 23, 2005
i miss u so much
i dunno y i miss u so much
i cant answer the why.
but all i can say is,
u r always on my mind.
i ask myself why.
why i allow u to stay there for so long.
but i cant find any answer
or any excuse.
maybe it is becoz, i still love u.
hahaha...cool ehz?
it is time to zz and start petrochem
the most feared paper... *puke*
2:39 PM |
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Friday, April 22, 2005
hahaha..i finally knew wat i missed..
it is not a person but tea.. yesh... becoz i have been mugging at home. i missed tea
my house has run out of tea, meaning those u drink in hawker centre or watever.
usu, lipton milk tea is the best substitute, but i have run out of it
the craving has got me sooooooooo uneasy yesterday nite.
it is an addiction
so at 8pm i told me parents.
i need tea, milk tea. and they went "heh? haha..go and buy from hawker"
and there i went, took some coins and walked excitedly to the stall and ordered
"teh ji bao" hokkien tat is...and i realised, my hokien has improved leaps and bounds.
and today, just shortly after lunch i told dad, hehe..my addiction is back
and my dad loves this particular stall's kopi gao, suei tie... hahaha..think tat's how u spell it (and stupid samba music is on...haha and i did basic warm-up for one bloody song just now already...)
i guess, i have enjoyed mugging at home these days, haha..free lunch, parents being such darlings. now they hardly bug me, esp my mum..but of coz, being her, she always have 1001 things to say and comment abt me till my dad and er jie also rolled eyes.
then again, it is being her! hahaha....now i also bochap liao..hrmm...
maybe we all grow up.. hahaha...just let her la.
okie i think tat's abt it. and i would like to comment on this show i caught just this morning "gracie's choice" a very inspiring movie i would say.
abt this mum who is a drug addict, young and have many "bastard" children. 2 older girls with 3 younger boys. she kept them so that she can get social welfare from the govt to support her addiction. ouch. but she never really cared abt the kids. it was gracie, the oldest who cared for the younger sister and 3 young boys who each has some phy or mental problem. but she is such a wonderful person. she part times and she looks after the whole house. till one day, she refused to give in to her mum and called the police once again. the mum was kept behind bars. with the kids under the guardian aka grandmum. ended up, the grandmum still covets the useless daughter..
gracie then deicded to take care of the kids herself and she being the foster parent. (here comes another samba beat song..grrr....) and got thru high school with ease. and now, she is hoping to get a scholarship to go college with her bf, and intend to let her grandma look after the boys, but as again, some drama must happen. the grandmum passed away suddenly. hahaha...so sadly she is stuck...to go college or not. then she also refused to let her mum take away the boys from her. (her sister got married to some punk and yesh...got pregnant herself but she seems happy). gracie then intended to be the parent of her siblings. she was only 17-18 then.
she did everything, using her records of renting a house to house her siblings, supporting them to school and supporting herself thru high school. amazing hur? and it all made sense for court to allow her call herself mum to the siblings. the mum was devasted..of coz..but hey, all the past yrs, she has never done anything as a mum. i guess, it is all too late. even when u wish to turn over a new leaf.
and in the end, the boys chose to be with the sister and they all (with different surnames becoz the mum was pregnanat by different men) changed their surnames to weatherly, as they have been thru all kinds of weather..how apt. hahaha..
guess wat, gracie became a solicitor to set up a foster care home to house siblings (coz she believed, tat siblings shouldnt be separated like it happened to her) and her boys went thru college too.
amazing hur?
i was totally in awe of her spirit and perserverance. i love such stories.
inspiring. of coz, one of a kind but yesh, y not.
when there is hope, nothing is impossible.
cheers!
2:14 PM |
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Thursday, April 21, 2005
Your dating personality profile:
Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.
Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. | Your date match profile:
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.
Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape. | Your Top Ten Traits
1. Athletic
2. Adventurous
3. Liberal
4. Wealthy/Ambitious
5. Sensual
6. Big-Hearted
7. Stylish
8. Traditional
9. Intellectual
10. Outgoing
| Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Outgoing
2. Adventurous
3. Athletic
4. Practical
5. Conservative
6. Wealthy/Ambitious
7. Intellectual
8. Big-Hearted
9. Traditional
10. Stylish
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Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions
this is interesting! ahhaa..jialat..i need a man of excitement..i think sitting at home all day mugging has already killed me...tat's how i got my sore/swollen eye!!!
hahaha..
NL: this would make u less bored! hehehe.....*winkz*
4:44 PM |
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
hahah, i think on a heavier note
think singapore and its 2 IR isnt a bad idea
casino has brought it vices more than it could bring in $$
but to me, to propel into the new future, we need to transform
and as said, in order to enjoy the sun the clouds, u have to keep away the flies
hahaha..totally agree
nothing is green and nice forever, there are times where pastures turn brown and die.
sometimes we need to have to have additional nutrients to grow, soil isnt all fertile.
i guess, we always have to have situations where we need to deal with and have to deal with them seriously and with cautions. but all speculations have to be chucked aside if we need to think properly.
pros and cons are consequences we cannot avoid. however, to deal with things in positive light and being rational are the keys to a better future.
there's always a few black sheep among the community to pull us back. and there's always a few elites with extraordinary talents to keep us ahead.
we just have to make the best out of wat there is and think out of the box.
afterall, it is human we all have in singapore.
there's where the ideas and plans come from.
1:46 PM |
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excited over alot of things!!! hhaha
firstly, my exams just started today and there's only 3 papers left!
2ndly, i am very happy and dunno for wat freaking reason... hahaha
3rdly, i am going to watch eye for a guy coz some1 is in it!!!!??? amusing stuff!!!! hahaha
4thly, today's such a good weather...regretted not bringin my swimming gear to school...hopefully after law paper, it is all good and sunny like this and i would swim!!! ahhh
wat else do i want to add? i am very excited over my usa trip actually lalalala
hopefully everything turns out good eh. hahaha..love it man..
cant wait..hahha and i think i dun not need to change too mcuh usd coz parents have quite alot left.. think i am just changing 1k USD la haha..
dad offered to pay for air tics and stuff..i refused..coz nah...tat's quite a bit already.
anyway, on a broader view, i wondered if i could get the interview from sulzer haha
actually through this incident, i realised some pple are really hypocrites!!! and u know, i HATE hypocrites..kind of disgusted. but well, thru HRM i realised, very truly that diversity brings abt understanding. so thus, i understand his and her actions of pending situation. ren bu wei ji, tian zhu di mien
i think, well..kind of disgusted but shrugs! when i work with such pple, if i have the chance, i would have to be more careful. but definitely not on all my toes.
cant be bothered...
the new pope looks evil...sorry but i think he does look weird..hrmm....
god bless!
i love this world suddenly
nothing is perfect but i love hrm, it brought back light into my life.
it made me understand alot of things tat i have forgotten.
thank heavens for such a refreshing module
going to email my lecturer to thank him!
1:29 PM |
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Monday, April 18, 2005
it is pretty interesting to use my sis's laptop to write my blog
hahaha...but then again, i NEVER would come to my blog w/o my own laptop
but it was all good and weird
i was grouchy coz it is a sunday and I HAVE to STUDY for EXAMS
sigh.. two more sundays and it would be over.
there are many things i would like to do b4 i set off to USA for my grad trip
1) sit down n think if i cant get an engineering job, wat am i heading?
2) pack my stuff and throw away things!! a new start would mean summer cleaning
3) get ard and see wat i can learn from pple. the joy comes from communication.
4) dance all i can b4 i bring my dancing shoes to chicago.
5) read the books i have to and ensure i bring a book or two to usa to kill some time, sipping tea and munching some biscuits. NICE
finally
6) help out ard the house and also for my dajie.
maybe i should become a stage actress or a kindergarten teacher! hahaha...
the joy comes from seeing the innocent eyes and smile from kids, okie, my nephew jervis
and maybe i would start to write my little short story too
for centennial competition.
simple english would be good.
no long sentences
i learn tat from elena baby.
and yesh, she has officially become my female baby.
hahahaha... i love her and how both of us would luff our heads off.
i would miss her terribly
and she stays in SIMEI
and if u know where i stay, it is from an end of singapore to another. one wonders
the joy of giving is when u see pple smile back.
tat's the beauty of everything.
really...
maybe alywn is right.
hahahaha....should i turn SIA?!!
but prospects aint tat good. and i have to think of a second degree.
i totally agree with pailai. NUS? hahaha i feel more confident than ever
things will sort themselves out as they present.
i guess i have to keep faith.
counting down to the end of exams!!!
28th of april, 2005
i love the number 28. rejoice in this day of each month.
something refreshing always happens on this day.
*winkz*
i would get myself out of headaches, depression, mood swings by this very phrase.
"no 1 would know wat u r going thru, and u jolly well know it is impossible for pple to, so only u can snap out of it. there's no time to waste on dwelling, OUT OF IT!!"
ahhh... maybe i have learnt there are many opportunities out there.
just get my degree right on track first.
it isnt abt the grades, it is abt wat i have to prove to myself.
to shine even in crisis.
tat's how i prove to myself of wat i can be made of.
i stretch beyond my own imagination.
the beauty comes from within.
the shine projecting radially
the joy of understanding
the happiness eternally.
12:02 AM |
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Thursday, April 14, 2005
i have just managed to catch wat channel news asia had on tv
"what women really want"
and gosh the topic was brand queens
and yesh, it was toking abt women who just own branded/designer goods
and yesh....no mention of LV, GUCCI and CD
but more of salvatore ferrangamo, YSL and the long lost chanel
weirdly
i love SF and i love shoes. and one day, just one day i would step in to buy a pair of shoes from there.
but no i am not a brand queen.
but i believe only in style and wat's my style and wat suits me
but i am feeling very zen suddenly and TOTALLY understood the lessons i have learnt thruout this yr.
cool babe.. isnt it cool to understand? TOTALLY!! hahaha
nemo is ringing in my head again.
i think if i ever pamper myself superficially and know wat's worth of me,
it is clothes and shoes.
hahahah n sexy lingerie! hahahaha...
faints
if i ever have the $ to slurge tat is *wink*
as wat goo goo dolls have sung
"i just want u to know who i am"
i am not superficial, yesh i am not.
i am worth alot of other things, EVEN if u think i am not.
coz u r just being plain blind.
and though it is not the first time pple commented tat i have the hour glass figure,
nope, not pear but hour glass figure, all i can relate tat to, "wat does tat has to do with my brains and personality?"
hahah..thanks for ur fantasy on my figure it turns u on somehow. but i guess
attraction is more than just how my figure looks to u and how i LOOK to u
style is the word
i give myself another 2 months and i guarantee tat the style i have would be polished
and it is called
"self confidence"
i thank u for not being there when i was down.
i thank u for being there when i was down.
but i would love to thank myself more,
to be able to get out of wat i deem to bring myself down all the time.
coz, i am just worth it.
in and out of the paths we all chose,
time crosses the lines and breaks away
even the sound of thunder is inviting.
i love the way how life works
maybe i would feel good today,
maybe i would feel terrible tomolo.
but there's only one promise i have believed and placed faith in
tat is, to love and understand everything tat is ard me.
coz with which, i would learn to love, to accept the good and bad, of everything
tat has happened, has to happen.
i swear, i swear, it has got to do with the handing up of FYP and the dancing without a partner. it is all good and finally know wat lies ahead.
hahaha i now totally think, i would learn to help others when possible when they need to whine.
u know. i realised, if i spend the time i have used on crying and thinking of how some pple and some things have disappointed me, on pple and things that deserve MUCH of my time and effort in constructive ways, i would be not a happier person just becoz i want myself to, but becoz i have gained happiness.
not thru luffter, not thru retail therapy not thru KTV, but care and concern on pple who made life alittle more bearable than anything else.
and of coz, on things that make ur life, alittle more meaningful.
i will just continue to change the way i think, but not losing my principles.
i will just continue to look at how others work along to get by, and how they cant affect me in demaning manner.
i totally understand that everything can break anything, and of coz everything can be fixed. the beauty of it all, is i learn to let u go. and learn to let things go.
i will just do wat i have to do, and i would be working for my values and principles.
and even if u despised me, at least i am answerable to my conscience.
maybe it could be blinded, doesnt mean i am not willing to give it a second thot.
i still do. but it is more than just being urself and care abt urself.
i love myself coz i love the pple who care for me.
i may be living for others, but becoz of wat i wish from others, i thus set an example.
i no longer question myself when i speak, i do, i think.
i just believe. there isnt a need to believe, but just believe.
12:09 AM |
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Beyond The Sea
(robbie william: finding nemo soundtrack)
Somewhere beyond the sea
Somewhere waiting for me
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailing
Somewhere beyond the sea
She's there watching for me
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her heart I'd go sailing
It's far beyond the stars,
It's near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just like before
Happy we will be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet, I know we'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
Happy we will be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing
No more sailing
So long, so long, no more sailing
Good-bye, farewell my friend, no more sailing
So long sailing, no more sailing...
i just LOVE this song (while my laptop hangs again! hahaha with e screen shrunk! again...) but it is the pure "frank sinatra" kind of song. ahhhh.. i love it
the music is PEERRFFEECCCTTTT... hahaha...the trumpets! the double bass, the piano, the saxophone...the song is just marvellous.. i groove to it.. hahaha...
drumS!
1:38 AM |
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005
fyp is almost 99.9999% over. just need to hand it up tomolo
hahaha...
i actually felt kind of sad, maybe the emptiness i have, coz i do like dp
and yesh, every1 is calling me weird for tat?! and have no idea y.
but oh well, another 16 to end it all.
coz i would have my last paper on 28 of april
oh well..
quiz on sat! and i would spend another 30 bucks on report printing and law notes!
anyway, i think it is pretty weird.
was feeling really really terrible. dunno y
but i guess i was bringin myself down again for being such a pest.
but was i really a pest, or just sigh.
but oh well..i am looking forward to many other things in life now.
but hahaha... am looking to relax alittle and daze.
i miss daydreaming
i miss dazing
i miss having good sleep on rainy days.
hahaha.
dunno happy or sad.
but now, i am feeling pretty zen
maybe, maybe, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps!
i miss elena suddenly
hahaha..coz both of us NEVER stopped making each other luff.
and we will always tok alot of nonsense!
hahaha...
hahaha..
and my laptop hates starhub
and KTV tomolo and dance tomolo and law law law...
it would be over soon, to allow a new start to begin.
peace
zen...
and i just love the song tat ends finding nemo
it's PEERRFFFEECCTTT!!!!
11:09 PM |
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Monday, April 11, 2005
just had a weird test with my 4/6 test copied... no i NEVER cheated.
it was jsut the way it was
well, had a last min meet-up with my buddy.. and hey thanks for listening...was rambling half the time, din i?
and hahaha...seriously, me as SIA ..hahaha...okie la..will think abt tat..
but there's something went thru my mind after we separated our ways on bus 99
i am learning to cope with the fact that i think too much, and coping with the fact tat i'm incapable to take things easy, thus leading to who i am now.
looking at the bright side of life, is something i am really trying to do
and really, good aura brings abt good things, and i know tat. but all i can say is i am jsut very tired. and i am sure my blog is getting tired from all these shit.
i think i just need a break from every1 and everything here and give myself more credit than who i am and wat i am worth of.
every1 says it is a phase, i know. but i am maybe as shaowei claims i am just making myself pathetic. i guess.
but i am really busy with alot of stuff. and havent given myself a chance to breathe.
nothing comes instantaneous?
nothing comes good all the time?
shrugs i have no idea
all i know is, i am pulling myself thru 28/4/2005 without falling sick.
tat's all.
and one test is down, presentation is down.
just report, the final one, and another test.
hooray!
then exams.
i know i would not do very well for my exams, due to lack of time for good preparation. but i am just keeping faith that i can pull this thru. really.
i have given OTHER hopes of harnessing a BETTER grade.
tat's not very possible... shrugs.
i think thruout, i have learnt to just listen. trying my best just to listen.
coz toking even out loud brings alot of instabilities in me.
even so, i have learnt to cope with my insensitivity and sensitivity.
confusing hur? but i guess, only i know wat's tat hahaha..and no
it is not thermal sensitivity.
case closed on my blog for this week i guess.
i am going to finish my final report.
finally.
i hope i can end this leg of life. good or bad, i am not bothered.
i am just going to end it.
too many unclosed cases in my life and i dun wish to be holding on to them.
no pt...
dum dee dum.. dum dee dum... *skipping alittle on the right, skipping alittle on the left*
10:41 PM |
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Sunday, April 10, 2005
every1 said i looked like some kind of tired, and spent
i am
but something hit me today.
think dong is right.
i should work with kids.
anyway, i think, birds of the same feather flock together
so, err.. i dun think i will go out with alot of pple now. hahahahaha
as if i go out anyway.
hrmmmm.....
not becoz i dun wish to, i barely have time to sleep. correction have sufficient sleep
hahaha...
life of an undergrad chemical engineer but i should emphasise, FINAL SEM!
hahaha...
when u r down,
no 1 really bothers to be there for u, really
coz u only make them feel terrible too. pple are selfish, so bullshit as wat pple say frens forever, best frens, close frens blahblahblah... they only seek their own happiness...who gives a damn abt u anyway?
sadly, i heard this from some1 senior. shrugs
pple would change their mindset, so nothing really lasts forever.
even frenships, even love. cherish wat u have now, pple who truly care abt u
pls dun believe in promises, they are all bullshit
guess i was told coz i believe in promises, and i actually, still believe in many things, and was scolded dumb and stupid for my ignorance. but somehow, i think there's some truth, nothing is for real and really cant believe in promises.
taking everything as a pinch of salt, and then maybe one day i can be really selfish too.
and orh no!!! hahaha...i am in love with my boy..hahaha....he is sooo cute, keep holding my hand then ask me to go here and there.
i love him so much.
yesh. i dun mind being his 2nd mum as my dajie is pregnant!
who cares, coz kids like him dun judge me!
=o) and he is willing to listen in someways and always eager to learn
i wonder if any1 shares the same feeling as i do?
i guess no1 near me, coz somehow, all my frens dun have nephews/nieces like me
this direct. i am not toking abt cousins' kids or watsoever.
but it is a great feeling to be wanted and needed by some1.
even if it is jsut a kid and actually it feels BETTER when it is a kid
coz u know, u will protect a helpless kid, wholeheartedly. and really, i would give my life up for him too. he deserves much more than i do
and i tell u, no1 understands wat i am toking abt here.
it is okie, i dun blame u.
this is some1 i have in heart.
coz it is where my happiness lies.
maybe when he grows up, he would forget this ah yi, but i wont.
even if i turn old.
sentimental ah yi... hahahhaa...
i will remember the good of pple.
i will remember the times we spent to get thru all the shit, luffters and tears
how about u?
if only luffter is wat u r chasing, then wat do u know abt happiness when u dunno sadness?
i am indeed super sentimental
and i know, who r the ones really there for me, for real.
hahaha...
but then again, who cares!
and my laptop is dying or rather starhub is dying...
can u believe nus dialup works fine?! hehe..
12:02 AM |
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Saturday, April 09, 2005
i never seem to find some1 i could lament too
i never seem to find some1 i can just tell him or her,
i am feeling this and that and how i am trying so hard to get out of it
to tell him or her everything i am going thru, w/o getting slammed back and slapped at
i am , in this midst of all the stresses, all the losing faith, all the question of oneself, self encouraging, self denial, self-rejection
i am ALREADY TRYING, on a faithless ground.
it is not tat i wish to choose to lose faith
but a beatened self takes time to climb up as a person.
i am prideful, i am a person of integrity.
i am sorry to lament
but i need to get it out.
coz it has driven me crazy, irrational and i am really losing control of my own emotions and self controlled temper and logic.
i am losing all the cool i ever had, not say my cool was TAT great..but it was at least able to cap temper down, but now, all i do is cry.
and now, i guess, thru this blog, and only blogging, where i could type really fast and get my accelerating thots down quickly
and i am very tired,
but i am pushing on and still going on
i am looking to find tat inside tat is everburning
albert einstein - the tragedy of life is wat dies within him when he is stll alives.
humans are just capricious creatures who never stop to give contradictory answers and ask puns.
sitting here, typing, using one of the slower technologies of 56k
i am still learning to be patient.
no 1 is asking me to be anything
it is only me, who requires or expects her to be so.
as out of the 10 options i have of wat i want from life.
i chose inner peace and harmony, and not money or anything else.
i know i cant compare myself to who i was then, the basis is all different,
with different environment, different pple, different level of thinkings
but all i ask for, is the ability of self to see things thru rationally
it doesnt have to be more or less.
just rationally
coz i am very tired.
i am only human who also needs care and concern
i can listen to u all the time, and TRY so hard to understand when i know how hard it is when u need some1 to tok to. and i HAVE NO 1 i can relate to.
i cant treat myself
for no doctor can treat himself
i knwo pple care,
but there is more than u can care abt.
i thank pple who are wiling to listen
but sadly, u may not be the comfort i was seeking.
in the end, i am not to seek for the comfort and pin on that emptiness.
i have to live with it.
pple say i am just feeling sorry for myself
hell am i not feeling sorry for myself
and for so many days, i have been thnking so much, abt work, family, life.
and living each day like dunno wat's today's day
is tat wat life's purpose is?
to be as busy like a bee and just bother with pple who r of help to u?
or something less superficial
who am i to question and fight for such answers?
it is just MY life.
insignificant.
wanting to blog alot of things a few days back, and never have the chance to do it.
n today is the day when i finally can use my laptop and log onto the net.
keep oneself occupied, is not to drown himself
but to give the person a direction and purpose.
and when I and i do me mean ME dun see it,
i find life impossible to get by.
all i know is,
i am too logical for my own good.
i am too critical for my own good.
hell yeh that i can at least identify myself now.
hopefully not to forget or lose it in the near future.
i dun wish for qnything, coz nothing drops from the sky
watever i work now, maybe just tells me this is something i shouldnt do the next time round.
it proves things negative, and not positive
it proves things not possible, but not being possible
i am just another human like u.
but i am still me.
so sorry.
i need sleeping pills soon.
1:50 AM |
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Sunday, April 03, 2005
with 958 blasting at the back of me...err..maybe diagonally,
i dunno.
haha...
wat's happening these days?
dunno, just report, report and more report.
sadly, i have ended my dance classes
sadly, i have not sms any1 for entertainment for months.
gladly (sadly maybe), everything would end in 25 days.
i would have exactly another 1.5 weeks to end of my final report
i would have exactly another 1 week to start of exams.
i would have exactly another 25 days to end all of these.
time flies, REALLY fast this time.
think the song playing at the backgroud, really very nice.
old songs from my era, yesh.. zhang yu, nice voice.
and this song speaks my mind now, yong xin liang ku
i have met NO 1 except for gilbert.
i think, who i see or wat i see is either my gals from fyp project or the computer lab in e2!
then again, i hardly ask pple out. i always wait for pple to ask me out!
coz i need to destress.. BUT i dun think i ahve time for that.
i have a life that is meant to be lifeless.. hahaha...
my house is almost 80% done.
kind of like the "drop-down" window...(is tat the name for tat?)
and now, even sushi tei, doesnt even make me happy/gay/ecstatic
and my ezcema is not going away becoz of the dust.
oh well... ahaha..
i know who loves me!...hahhaa...
okie i am slacking too much and tried too hard to replenish sleep i lost the past 2 weeks...
tomolo is the time to start it all again!
must be PMS again..never mind..i think i am going to buy dinner for family.
yesh it is PMS
feeling the blues badly.
hahahha....i will just catch two movies on tv later!
CHEERS
5:37 PM |
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