for a world that doesnt exist
for a universe that stands still
contact:
relacon@gmail.com
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DAILY INSPIRATION:
this day, i pray
this day, i smile
this day, i wish u all the best!
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wat u want to abt me?
and why?
how much can u find out,
when i dun even know
who i am?
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Monday, May 30, 2005
finally got to see the net!!!!!
been in nyc for 3nites to be exact and now i am in NJ, a very nice suburban area
full of brains. very very nice neighbourhood and i think, i am falling in love...
slower than nyc.
nyc was pretty cool. steph's fren wallace came down from boston and joined us and we had alot to walk...gosh!!!
been to a few places and yesh, tat includes MET museum! i love tat place....
and statue of liberty, greenwich town, times square, fashion district, central park
but i would have to say we have alot to go but no time!!!!!
anyhow... keeping my post short and sweet, i need to learn to speak alittle slower!
coz i speak too fast for the amsricans to understand me! ahhaha...
oh well..
actually, hasnt been feeling too well for the past few days, my mood wasnt all gay and nice.
hrmm...
but anyhow, will keep myself happy.
and i do want to have a house and pets in them.
they are just such darlings
10:10 AM |
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Thursday, May 26, 2005
finally, my blog is back to normal and i can blog!!!!
been in baltimore for 2.5 days.
up and down DC. it has been pretty cold.
it rained like hell yesterday...and walking in the cold wasnt very enjoyable!
went to lincoln....hahha..with the big man sitting there!....hrmm..
and got the reflecting pool...
but the weather today was not too bad. no rain, just cold.
mananged to get to holacust (not the whole of it of coz) n National gallery of Art
it is realyl really good. i thn i am really into paintings though i cant draw for nuts!!!!
managed to save abit on food.. cos we survived all bread and stuff...
things tat are prety cheap!!! if i had another day in DC!!!!! but oh well
we couldnt wake up in time in the morning..so only left with afternoon to walk ard!
and chris just brought us to a good korean restuarant toeat..
it was hell good!!!!
soupy with a tint of spice and very very full meal..
BLURP
but it was like a treat out of the 3 days we diet ourselves on.
and it only cost tat only 16 bucks..with pancake leftovers for breakfast!
=o)
and bought myself 2 facial prdts....bioterm (think it is 10 buks cheaper here) and shiseido (think another 10 bucks!but at changi airport)
oh well..still havent got to see anything to gt for family and frens.
but NYC would be nice pls to see if there's good buy!...
okie..gotta zzzzz.....3 hrs ride back to NYc
and NYC is 3 days full!!
YESH!!!
tata!
i need water again...
12:46 PM |
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005
blog just crashed on em!!!!
damn them.
argh...
all i cna say now is, DC is sooooo cold and rainy
argh...din feel like typing now.
tomolo then
hahahahaha
11:05 AM |
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flight: BAD, coz all i did thruout the flights was, tissue, eat, and tissue.
hahaha..
DC: it is DAMN cold!!!!
it rained the whole day? and all i did is to WALK and WALK.
can u believe it?
lincoln is hahaha...so cool... so HUGE!!!!
but i guess, i like chris' little apartment! hahaha....and very cosy....but yeh..it is just VERY COLD leh...
hahaha..speaking alot of chinese everywhere (except in chinatown)
hahaha...oh well...
nothing much to blog for now, w/o the photos.
tomolo is to museums ahahha...i might just need chris' coats.
kind of excited to go shopping ard!!!!!! hahaha..
i need bioterm!
10:21 AM |
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Monday, May 23, 2005
hahahaha dun miss me pple!!!!
i will be back on 22 june!
breathe!!!
dun worry, VS will come back
hahhaha
and yeh...those with postcards should come
i would try to update my blog while i am in USA
for photos, hahaha...i will invite to privileged pple of coz hahaha..
*hugz*
take care every1!!!!
reach me at my email (relacon@gmail.com of coz) and can sms me la! but pls state ur operator...if not i cant internet sms u la.. hahaa
may my family and frens here be fine and well.
12:58 AM |
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Sunday, May 22, 2005
i am off to USA!
hehehehe....
lalallalalalalalala
anything just SMS me la...
or gmail me
tat's all
2:36 PM |
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i really felt like killing myself just now
really
all i had in my head was
"kill myself, kill myself, kill myself"
felt i really dun belong here anymore.
not in this family
not in this society
not in this place
i am just an accident tat only brews trouble
and nothing else.
i am like someone, who just add problems to pple and never solve them
i am only one who can enjoy happiness, by looking at them
and all i can see, is w/o me, things are far better off than when i am in it.
so y am i here for?
i dun wish to be a jinx? or anything??...really
but i just cant help feeling this for so long.
simple happiness, is never for me to enjoy really.
i am just a troublemaker u know.
like some1 who is the odd ball of the family, sucking dry every1 here.
and i have done nothing, NOTHING worth, no matter how much i try
and being who i am already caused so much unwanted unhappiness,
so y here??
i just wish, some accident will take place and take my life away.
since i came here by accident, i guess, i should go by accident too.
sometimes, i would cross the road, hoping a car just knock me down.
at least it is an accident.
anything else? i cant think of anything else to bury myself deeper
but i guess, being a trouble already, the only thing i can do is stop creating more trouble. i will just live with the pain of being one, of being one useless member, trying so hard to work things out but never succeed and making every1 else upset.
i am just such a pain in the neck hur?
it hurts sometimes, when u dun belong anywhere.
especially u dun feel anymore u belong here.
when u feel like a trouble to pple ard u.
all i am asking is a compromise, something we can work out.
not tat i am not listening.
maybe i just have to spell it out
"it is not tat i am not worried or not listening, but i really feel unsafe, i am trying to strike a balance out of ur advice and my insecurities...coz i really feel unsafe...tats all"
maybe i sould just say tat the next time right? but i wonder if it works in the end.
coz they would just think i am not listening again.
but i am
really.
i am asking for help the 2nd time coz i am lost. i need something to be somewhere.
coz i really feel unsafe.
i feel very bare.
and i need someone's different opinion and not the same old advice.
coz i realised, i need a balance somewhere.
tat's all
i am not trying to make things difficult for any1...really
or picking a fight, it isnt fun to cry nonstop thinking wat a jackass i amjust not taking ur advice completely, but i really feel unsafe. not secure at all...really...do u get my worry too?
i really wish i am not borned to add troubles.
i really dun wish to...but i am just striking a balance b/w my own insecurities and urs. and i am the one travelling.
i am worried too.
i really really want to go and die.
12:15 AM |
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Saturday, May 21, 2005
today's topic of the nite
love comes when u least expect it!
and will u marry me?
hahahahahhaha
DAMN COOL SIA
1 says, i think my mum likes him! good...finally got a guy to shut her up! so i need ot marry him?! howhowhowhow?
1 says, well, i wonder if he is the one leh? wat if he isnt? then how?
well, i guess if u like him, u never know in the future! and dun think too much
love comes when u least expect it!
hahahahahha...
how am i suppoesd ot know?
like i aked myself
do i like him or not? but so wat if i do, and so wat if i dun? it is always 2 ways mah!
get the whole pt?
hahhaha...
suddenly i hail singlehood, not becoz i love to stay single, it can be quite boring, though as prem would go "go flirt and have some fun in USA!" it is another matter all together.. hahaha..and no i wont go screw some cute USA dude. haha...NYC good looking men are all gays...so i wont have a CHANCE...
singlehood is here to stay for 2 reasons
1) who can tolerate staying with me for the rest of ur life, i say, u r asking for ur early doom
2) who actually bothers to go after a girl who isnt a girl afterall...
there..single hood is good!
and yeh,
love comes when u least expect it then u can pop the q "will u marry me?"
hahaha...
love is such an ass
u can hate then love, or love then hate.
but in the end? u just cant stand it and say "i like u, but y dun u like me?"
be glad it doesnt happen both ways all the time, if so, the world would be pretty chaotic!
2:49 AM |
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Friday, May 20, 2005
there isnt much to blog
i lack the direction and just want to sleep my day away.
i am so lazy tat i barely move.
i deleted all the memories.
so how do i store more?!
hrmmmmmmmm
thou shall not harp over my shortcomings and overcome them with my strengths, tat is if thou can identify them. thou aint perfect, but thou shall learn to be less demanding on thyself and others. maybe life is more bearable tat way. thou shall try to listen, but in times of pms, thou shall not let nitty gritty things affect me. thou shall not allow snowballing to occur. thou shall just blog my unhappiness away, and dun bother others. if yesterday speaks of ill intentions, let today be the day to start a new beginning of repentment, yet only when thou lands thyself into same predicament would i understand completely. may god grants us not just wisdom and peace, but the ability to question and patience to listen even in time of crisis. thou must remind thyself to step back for 5 mins at least to compose thyself and settle thy thots. it is not tat thou cant handle stress, it is the seriousness of each circumstance thou faces each oncoming day deepens, and the quic pace of each oncoming challenge denied the present thou to react in time. thou has slower reflexes than b4. thou is getting old. the equation of higher level of stress each day and slower reflexes never exists......
12:39 AM |
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Thursday, May 19, 2005
dun even think i can believe
hrmmm
in foul foul mood
it has nothing to do with the interview.
i rejected it anyway.
if i ever die young! dun be sad for me, be happy!
12:16 AM |
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005
grateful
dad showed me this free introductory session on spanish in newspaper today
and he is oging wiht me!
*winkz*
he supports my interests!
hahaha
thanks god for tat!
and i am almost 40% packed for my trip
did quite a lot and realised i ma bringing alot of clothes! trying to be fashionable but safe on the other side. i will try to be conservative in DC yet light so tat i wont get sun burnt... bleah.....
gotta read up more on NYC which has only 3 days...sadly.. but i will squeeze as much as possible!
as for chicago, got the time table for all the performances at the park..mind u, they are all free from 10am to 10 pm
cool stuff.. but i have no idea who to pick, maybe just go for all the nite events...cooling!
wat else? LA would be jsut theme parks and dun think we have to cash to spare to drive down san diego. damn..but i will definitely go down to california again in this lifetime. i want to go to yellowstone next ... bleah
hopefully i would get a call when i get back to singapore by marcus evans or smg..
pls pls pls pls.... i need it...
and it is a dream job i realised. really i would try to work my way there
ultimately! while picking up spanish!
bleah...
1:42 AM |
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Sunday, May 15, 2005
it has been a yr i guess.
i never knew when it all started.
and i dunno wat i wish to type at 3 15 am in the morning.
i nede to sleep
but i know i wont be able to sleep
i admitted to myself that i have lost so much patience, to pple tat in the end,
after being angry and stuff, when i have calmed down, i knew i shouldnt have
and i start to blame myself for being an ass.
i guess leopards never change their spots
even at this pt, i am supposed to let it go tat i am not to blame myself again and start getting depressive.
i dunno how to explain
hahaha...really..*sobz*
and i dunno how to help myself
so is the best way not to think abt it?
i am thinking, contemplating
maybe i sohuld just ramble abit more.
if being who i am, is just being who i am and i think i should be a man's island haha..if u get my pt, it would not harm others? but opening up ur heart supposed to receive more in the end, but giving more is more impt?
am i to understand how to get out of this lump of rubbish or just let things be?
i dun get it,being who i am i am just sometimes out to pick bones out of eggs!
i dunno, wat's there for me to do?
i really dunno. i needed some peace somewhere to think it thru.
i am really picking trouble for me and pple ard me
or am i really doing it? but being who i am is just who i am? am i to blame myself and think i would harm others emotionally? maybe in e end it doesnt even hurt.
tat's good to them of coz. but how abt myself? is escaping the best solution to all?
am i to turn away for some time and realise the good in everything i already have in hand?
i'm losing grip. lost the grasp to understanding and standing back to see the whole picture? or actually i have never even done tat? i did, try to understand, really i did. but i cun bear to swallow everything down my throat and accept the way things are all the time. am i to start to improve or not? accepting is a change but in the days to come, how would it change then? maybe it is not improvement i want to see, maybe just the way i would be at peace with. i question the existence of peace sometimes. i question my own actions, and never come to a good solution.
admitting to being lost, and actually trying to rectify a problem is the biggest challenge i ever have to overcome. but is there a problem in the first place? and wat's really there to be overcome? i have spent all my days, the time that slipped past, with many things i was contemplating, understanding, self criticising without even learning the facts of life? even knowing myself and who i am? deep down, i know who i am. deep down, i know where my strengths n weaknesses are. yet i have started to overwrite all the memories of wat made this girl? i am just trying best now not to aggravate situations, not getting angry at the start becoz i know i would get angry with myself in the end. self antagonising is a torture. i try to seek solace in simple things in life. like shitting gives me the notion tat if one can do tat everyday, tat's how good life is. yet the very next moment, i lost all of the zen tat i had in tat small cubicle.
i am not getting any better. at this rate the thorn would grow deeper into my mind and my heart. does the whole world owe me a living? and i know inside, they dun. but neither do i owe the whole world anything.
things come and go right? okie, i take tat. pple come and go right? i take tat too.
maybe i would be happier if i dun think too much, worry everything and take them deep into my mind and heart. maybe i should not answer any of the above questions posted. have u tasted the tears? sometimes it is salty, and sometimes it is not.
it seems so nice to have a fren u can completely confide with. i guess u r really lucky hur? sometimes, i wonder, when would i wake up from my bloody dream?
i think i am the one who lives in my own world. i complain too much, and i get tired easily. restless, and unfocus. where's tat purpose of life tat once driven this girl to her path of destination?
my eyes have turned pretty swollen over this 1 yr. and little more wrinkled than ever. maybe even eye cream cant solve this problem. it is not even the heart and mind tat drives this machine. maybe it is my soul i need to see and feel.
the only hope i guess is tat even questions do not have to be answered but already given and all i have to do is to unfold the blind tat over my eyes. i have given myself too many targets, too many unwanted focuses. i tried too hard to get things right once again. there isnt any once again. there will never be an "once again".
maybe i have rambled enuff to tire myself out. and i sohuld hate to bed.
there are many things in life tat require my immediate attention. thouhg i know i still have to face my soul again, i just wish i knew i could see and feel it better then next time round. i dun wish to have tears washing my cheeks, but joy and smiles.
i think pple are getting sick with my tok like this over blog. and even in person.
and sadly, at this pt, finally one person has slapped his words onto my face. tat forced me to complete my acknowledgement to the existence of my deepest fear
but i guess tat's okie. i have seen it coming and wanted tat to happen. but i wish it came in on another day and not now. however, if it din, the impact would not be as great as i am feeling now.
i am not running away from the "problem" identified. i am willing to face it and trying to face it head on. bring it on really, coz at least i can comfort myself that there exists still, the fighting spirit i can never extinguish in me.
i have to say, i am riding the lowest ride i ever have in life. wat was experienced in the past has seen alittle milder than i ever imagined. it just gets tougher doesnt it? the time is ticking away slowly. and it is past 4 am. i am screwing up my body and i promise myself
i would not stay up beyond 2am.
3:07 AM |
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Saturday, May 14, 2005
faintz!! i forgot to take jove's photo (mizied: is this how to spell elena's dog?)
but yesh..he loves me sooo much, would follow me then sit beside me!!!!! hahaha..
always wanting me to "shake paw" with him and scratch his stomach.
and he would just start licking his dick again and again.
DOGS! he's a golden retriever..so big and always trying to pounce on me! scaring
at first, he would refuse to listen to me when i say SIT and NO
till he really pissed me off for being disobedient! again, i am not one to be trived w, i went " jove.. SSSSIIIIITTTTT... BAD DOG!" then for the first time, he sat down..then wanted to say sorry by extending this paw for a pawshake. aww.
subsequenently, he listens to my instructions! coool? totally.. hahahahah
hahaha..my kind of dogs man and yesh, even elena's father was like, "gosh, he really likes u leh!!!"
elena exclaimed "wah...this is like very rare for him to act like this!!!"
hahaha
i should be a dog trainer hurhur? hahaha...see..kids and dogs love me! *winkz*
i have applied for 5 jobs today
jialat
brain dead
and for one nite, in air con was sooooooo perfect!!
and i cant on it today! coz my sister cun take the air con
the air con is so powerful that our windows turned misty on the outside
*gasp*
1:58 AM |
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Friday, May 13, 2005
think pple think too highly of me
i dun even feel i am up to it!
really, just think i am not good enuff for anything.
afterall, i can fall back on teaching cant i?
wat a coward i would say
hahahah
i will never forget wat a fren said
"i never know u r so lsot, have always thot u r always strong enuff to overcome any challenge"
i am, of coz, trying to overcome any challenge
i am not perfect
yet this world cant condone mistakes.
no fancy dreams, no fancy dreams
i am just looking for a sense of peace.
coz i am just searching for something tat is more than i could see and feel
1:07 AM |
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
hahah today was out with michelle to hunt for my shoes!!!
yeh
i dun have a pair of flops to walk ard USA
hahahaha
but it was not bad, i got my orange sandals without backing and hahaha.
she got two bras for 40 bucks!
good!!! and took this photo
haha was telling her..
gosh..i was like i need to save alot of money for many many things
and i realised, my sa1 clique would probably start to get married by next yr!!!
yeh..with all of them attached and hahaha...one ready to propose to gf
so exciting. but i have to declare, i cant! possibly be god ma to every single kid, thugh i really wish too. but u see, i am not getting amrried, so no children! how to have sooo many god children and i confirm lose out! hahahaha...
i offer love and concern to all of them! i will extensively offer my help for wedding and bringing my "godchildren" out! hahaha..
i love kids
buit not too much of them too
if not, they lose their charm hahahahahaha
michelle and i should look for a job and start to save for masters hahahaha
12:24 AM |
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
this is me n michelle trying to catprue the fountain in suntec..dun have right? hahaha..but this is the nicest photo for the day!!! =o) 
11:52 PM |
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kind of like this photo too.. hahaha...away..away...away
12:48 AM |
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marc parent's believing it all
is one of the books tat make me cry
almost...
while waiting for buddy alwyn tan! i am trying so hard to fight back my tears of understanding of wat marc was trying to say
it reminded me of red sky in the morning
i think if any1 has the chance to read this book, do read it
it is a good one.
simple yet beyond this universe. and some speak my mind, esp when kids kiss u and knock his whole head onto u instead. i have that same experience. painful but it was all love.
*winkz*
this is one of those paragraphs tat made me cry
all children, as they look to define who they are, ask their parents to reveal themselves--reveal what they stand for, what they stand against, what they live form, what they would die for. In every momentof every day, Casey and Owen beg me to show them who i am, so i concentrate on the path. The path reveals you in a way the destination never could. I used to fight the process. Now i see where it takes me. Most times, with their hands in the middle of everything, there's hardly a choice. After a whole morning of splitting wood, firewood is the smallest piece os what i end up with. The process has become the end in itself. The process has become the destination.
and everytime i pick up the book to continue reading, i would start to luff, giggle at small things tat i recalled my nephew did.
and i looked at my buddy and said "i am going to cry"
hahaha...and he went "okie..go get a man and get married! and have ur own kids"
it's different i guess.
but i truly understand wat marc was saying with the small things in life.
i think, i must learn to cherish the little things in life more, more than ever.
12:47 AM |
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something brighter..and yeh...he and his clown face!
12:46 AM |
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this is buddy with his funny face! hahaha...and me with the mysterious look..hrmm...look at how he clasped his plastic bag!!!!!!!!!
12:44 AM |
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005
just had an interesting evening at kai's house!
there were additional of 2 guests.
one in particular is an irish man who has 3 daughters! ahhaha...shawn
4 women in the house, jsut like mine! =oP
and 9 of us have a great time. toking and stuff and oops
had a go at this scottish single malt liqour tat is strong. 47% vol of alcohol
cool stuff and a strong lingling aftertaste..sweet hahahahah
it was interesting, culture exchange and stuff ahhaha.... with shawn and his words that hahaha...turned alittle drunkish hahaha...so cute.
abnd auntie went really red after one shot of miniture b52
hahah... i had mine too.
blurp
and feeling alittle ahhaha...gigglish and high...and sleepy...
alittle alcohol is good for u.
it makes u sleep well
Breathe In
(Lucie Silvas )
feel like I'm dragging you down a one way street
I don't know which ways up
All I ask of you is to stay on your feet
That should be enough
If we stand around it could pass us by
We could give up now, and never even try
(Chorus)
To breathe in life and breathe out
Like tomorrow is today
Breathe in life and breathe out
It's not so long to wait
Breathe in life and breathe out
Wipe the dust from your sweet smile
An breathe in life
I just want something real I can hold onto
I believe its near
Life's too short to even know the truth
Maybe it's already hear
We could throw ourselves into the fire
We could give up now and never even try
(Chorus)
To breathe in life and breathe out
Like tommorrow is today
Breathe in life and breathe out
It's not so long to wait
Breathe in life and breathe out
Wipe the dust from your sweet smile
And breathe in life.
(Bridge)
We're chasing something we've dreamed of
(is not always out of reach)
It's never far away from us
('cause I believe that)
(Chorus)
To breathe in life and breathe out
Like tomorrow is today
Breathe in life and breathe out
It's not so long to wait
Breathe in life and breathe out
Wipe the dust from your sweet smile
An breathe in life
Breathe in life and breathe out
Ooh, ooh, no, yeah, yeah yeah
Breathe in life and breathe out
And it's not so long to wait
Breathe in life and breathe out
Wipe the dust from your sweet smile
An breathe in life
Ooh, ohh, no, oh, ooh ohh
And breathe in life
Ooh, oh
And breathe in life.
this song rocks hahaha i like to groove with it.. hahahaha
12:19 AM |
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Monday, May 09, 2005
hrmm... this is rather sad, i think iw ont be able to take up paso doble!
and wont take competition too.
oh well...i am off to usa.
think i hahaa...wont have a partner too! coz lewis is keen on competing and since i am not ard, he has a substitute! hahaa...of coz wish him all the best of coz!
sigh, just dun have the luck and timing right... ALWAYS
never mind.
just wish i can get my job somehow...when i get back frmo usa!!!
i need it.
feeling bored now.
and lethargic.
save me!!!
1:12 AM |
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
hrmm, my keyboard just does this.
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
and imagine, it goes off by itself FASTER than i can hold the h key.one wonders!
i think i might have stood somewhere different in some1's heart or mind in certain ways
dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
there it goes again... and i must have conjured everything up.
me and my make-believe world
yet i still think i can have it thru.
watched high fidelity. and yesh, realised pple go thru such drastic phrase dddd
dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
that they think of ridiculous things to find out wat's wrong with them and y pple just leave them? and u really start to think, this life, has nothing to be proud of and live for.
hahah...interesting. maybe i would just do that.
tat would make lives pretty interesting
just realised i actually, complete things when i am in pain, in crisis.
yeh, i completed 2 different resumes while i was holding on to TERRIBLE cramps
really. and in the end, when i was lying on the bed rolling and tearing, my whole family din say thing and when i decided to take panadol, all my mum did was
" u la u la!!! do this and do tat!!!!" instead of asking "wat went wrong with me"
n u know wat? watever she said was wrong. and u know y i alwyas wanted to be left alone when i am down at home? coz the first things come out from pple's mouth is,
words tat aint encouraging. but that jsut them i guess
the only words tat came was when my da jie found out when she came over.
she empathised tat makes me feel cared for in a way.
at least, tat was soemthign i dun mind sitting there and let her say. coz she knew all... i tell u..it felt really terrible, rolling there, holding ur stomach not knwing wat to do, and all u wanted is to sleep, but u jsut cant. u really cant.
and now it is still aching...i wish i knew tat drinking tat would cause cramps, but i din think of that!!! argh... i am rambling.. coz really, crying becoz of cramps aint good. it is really out to get ur life
y am i a woman!!!?
but the only comfort i have got, was when i accompanied my sister to her gynae and i saw her baby rolling in her womb. 3 months old. the first time i saw my eyes on the foetus, i guess it was a girl. and all i wanted to say is, "hey girl, its ur ah yi here!" hahaha..the foetus was really an active one...kept rolling ard and refused to let us have a good look..and guess wat...the gynae said it could be a girl!
beautiful... there's something beautiful abt this world, tat's kids.
no matter who u r, they dun judge u. they simply love u.
and i think, the only encouraging thing i heard for some time was
1) yesh..she is always very "kapo" a great help to me always.
2) u were the one who scolded me silly and told me there's more things out there in the world and i held on.
i am glad i could help in ur life in somewhere or another!
now i am looking for mine too. my inspiration!
cramps went down. Thank GOD
1:19 AM |
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Friday, May 06, 2005
i would like to dedicate this post to my mum.
just 2 nites ago, i had an argument with my 2nd sister.
she never understood who i really am sometimes.
she said "i din see how u actually show u appreicated ur parents."
it was millions of knives stabbing my heart at the same time.
then i shot back "so wat do i ahve to do so tat u can SEE it?"
and guess wat? she din get wat i was trying to say. "y would u want to show it to me? tat's not from ur heart?"
then i smirked "tat's my whole pt?"
i know many pple like me, would have gone thru many years to realise alot of things.
and i admit, i used not to think in the shoes of parents.
but now, i dun. becoz i treated them better than i did last time.
i dun stay out too late, becoz i know, i rathre my parents to have a good nite rest at their bed time.
i chat with my parents abt my school, things i face and asked for opinions.
i keep my mum company to watch tv and we cook, though we always argued over silly things, but within 5 secs, i just know, it is the way how my mum and i spiced up our own little lives in the family.
"this is just how mum and i respond to each other... dun u just realise it?"
and yesterdaty morning, my mum actually asked me "wat did ur sister say and started screaming at u for wat??? her temper is getting from bad to worse. sometimes would do tat to us too!!!"
i told my mum "u ask her lor. and she's always liek this mah...always have tons of things to say and temper si never good..got worse coz of her job i guess."
i guess, actually both my parents knew wat both of us were arguing abt, coz my dad understood english. and he might have related it to my mum.
coz i hope, tat the way i appreciate my parents, is not for any1 else to see.
i dun do it, coz i want to show pple i appreciate pple.
even i am being accused or maligned, i just want to know as long as the party intended received my appreication, i dun care if others know it or not.
coz tat's just being me.
i am never a heartless person. but sometimes, i wish some1 would stand up for me like i did for others. coz it gets very tiring when u dunno watever u did, is good or bad. i just an answer.
time to rest, coz i get depressed after 2am.
but i jsut want to blog it away as usual.
i will still love my parents the way i always do.
and i know they know it.
do not say i dun respect my parents, do not say i dun appreciate them.
coz i know, ultimately, who ever will stick by my side till death, are my parents and no 1 else.
coz i am their daughter, and they are my parents.
2:31 AM |
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was having a heart to heart tok with some1 close at heart.
this buddy of mine, pretty kelian in A WAY.
he was just saying abt sometimes, u seriously know it is tat girl
but somehow, it was wrong time. and u know deep down in ur heart, she is tat 100% girl. with tat, it is very hard to find the next girl, coz u wont settle for the less than 100%, or rather, u just cant put it down and away.
he further mentioned of something which he went "the drama serial stated something pretty interesting. love is like a simple equation tat consists of +-*/. if u r always feeling happy when u r with tat person, it is good. the equation is right.
when the person is not right, which is equation not right, both wont be happy."
i guess it is sad to see him feeling upset. coz i think he has a lot of love to give, but just din meet the right girl at the right time? but i told him something,
"if u think tat's THE girl u want to be with, maybe work alittle harder? give each other time, and let each other grow, maybe things would change for the better."
coz i told him, it is weird how love works, u can spend alot of time with jsut 1 person, like everyday, but it cant be tat happy as to spending just 1 hour with another.
i guess, in the end, it is that 1 hour person is the one for u.
it is the quality of company and how u treat it, makes tat difference and how u look at this objectively. of coz, it takes two hands to clap.
hope this buddy of mine would find his answer as time passes.
hahaha...think we tok alot more than this i guess... he posted the question back at me...i think i have no answer.
i guess, in many of us, u just know tat person is the one u wanna spend ur life with.
u know, i think u have to work for it!
and now, the only thing i want to work, is the viridian room!!!!!
argh.
i hate u, coz u have taken everything away from me. u left me when i needed u the most coz y? u were so selfish to only hunt for ur own happiness and left me in the dark. how could u?! u said u would be there for me, but u din. coz u only wanted to be happy, therefore u flew away as fast as possible when u are not happy.
and when u were sad, i was the one sitting there with u, and being sad with u. even when i was sad too. i guess it is time u should go too. coz i am not as selfish as u. i do not stop pple from happiness. but this taught me a lesson, not to believe pple again. no way. coz they never stick thru thick n thin with u. when u need them most, they run away.
sort of read this somewhere but cant remember and yesh..just sort of quoting from memory. i think, the only happiness that one can have, is to have frens or some1 special to stick thru thick and thin with u. if not, i think it is very sad not to have any1 there. so, pls dun be too selfish to pple ard u. coz i believe, if u r, the next moment, when u r the one again needs comfort, in the end, no 1 bothers already.
12:25 AM |
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
when is that day when all will end?! ahaha
it sucks i tell u...
bleah!
i have got no call for interview.
damn.
12:27 AM |
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Monday, May 02, 2005
hahhaa..i am amazed at wat my dear nephew can do.
i just let him lie on my bed (coz the bedsheets were the cute cute kind which has animals on it) play with him this and tat...
today, i just got back from dinner, all i did was, let him play his fav car on my bed. he started to tok and tok abt wat he did for the day and told me wat's on his mind.. though half the time, i was trying to figure out wat he was trying to tell me.
mind u, he is only 2.4 yrs old. hahaha..and i dun spend alot of time with him.
but i guess, this is wat i told my da jie.
"in the past, u used to listen to me when i tok to u wat happened to me during the day first thing i got home, and now, ur son tells me wat happened to him during the day when he sees me." and then he would just use one hand, place on my leg, and uses the other to play with his car. once in a while, would turn ard and look at ah yi and smile and rambles this and tat.
and i realised, i have bought this book which i am going to start on it soon after i finish john grisham, titled, "believing it all, wat my children taught me abt life" by marc parent. i think jervis has taught me alot abt life and trust, and how i should look twds life, in curiostiy and excitement. to hold hands with pple who are there for me, to care for pple who love me. and just smile regardless how bad things are. thinking back, it just moved me to tears.
wat all he did was
to look me into my eyes and he din speak a single word.
and he just loves me the way he looks at me, holds my hand.
this is how beautiful life is.
it is not abt whether i have lots of money dropping from the sky,
or getting the next thing tat makes me exceptionally happy.
it is abt the unspoken love i see from his eyes.
i guess, if he needs any1 to tok to when he grows up, ahyi would be there for him.
but at this stage, i cant possibly take care of him for more than 1 hour!!!!..really
think my mum almost wanted to do tat to me... hahaha....coz i dunno how to change diaper yet leh.
*giggles*
i should be a kindergarten teacher instead of an army/police officer la.
but then, i would be attached too all my kids! hahaha...or men.
errrr.
okie...focus.. hotelier.. hahaha...
enuff of being sentimental
and u realised, it is only weekly.
hahahahha...
12:24 AM |
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