Saturday, October 29, 2005
today is the start of pms
i sensed it and i did something really immature and very stupid
sigh.
i guess it din help when u r sick too.
dunno, it wasnt a good nite yesterday.
but today's fine except for a stupid phone call at 9pm regarding work!???!! wat the f....
today was the day when i met up with tingwei gavin huimin and steph hahaha pretty fun la...been some time.
and now i am just wondering many things in my head. really it is pms
there i was lying in bed yesterday nite thinking of manythings, besides bmw 630i
how this yr flew like i never rememebered a thing
yet i know, i have been thru the worst of my life so far.
it is over in a way, or put it in another way. it is climbing up.
i dunno
i remmebered how i would cry every nite to sleep....
how i would numb myself with fyp
how i would not want to think except to daze
how i would bring myself down tat i actually din want to tok to anyone anymore.
how i would be in a crowd and only to feel so lonely
how i would doubt myself and hate myself
how i would think no one actually bothers
how my closer frens would not even bother to ask me wat's bothering me and brush me aside
how i would think miserably the life ahead
how i would think i would be better living alone alone
how i would see the emptiness emptying out on me
how i would be so heartbroken when i am being misunderstood and i cun even speak up for myself
how i would just see nothing in the mirror but the word worthless/useless
how i hate myself for being so weak
how i detest myself when i am such a bitch
how i dislike everything i did which seemed to step on every1's toes
how i would tell myself to seek help if i dun recover by the time i was back from usa
it was then, when something that din seem lonely has turned out so lonely
tat u became numb.
imagine u are in a midst of a group of pple, u end up not knowing who u r and not knowing who u r with.
it was then, u felt so out of place, u scratch ur head, yet u shut up.
then when u r alone, u felt as though, nothing is wrong. everything is fine.
but when u r with pple, u feel totally useless, worthless.
i guess wat cant kill u, makes u stronger.
now, i am just trying to make somethings straight
i guess, it is very stressful
i bite alot during sleep
but i am not as depressive.
maybe it is good
i dunno.
but i know, it is something tat i dun need.
think i am just learning to be more patient
learning more to take things in stride in reality
i do.
i would take my time, to discover to learn and to explore.
i am not alone, and i am not perfect
but at least, i must find where i stand.
1:03 AM |
|
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
lalalalalalalalalala
TODAY i am the auntie to a niece!
LALALALALALALALALALALLA
i am so thrilled that i barely could wait to touch her
but i refrained myself
i have no choice ah.
and i cant wait for her to come home! dummm deee duummm
sometimes, suddenly, hahaha i also want to have my own family
especially when i was taking the family photo of four.
sweetness and bliss.
i felt very tired and alittle sick today.
and fell asleep during refinery training.
goodness... i zonked out when it started to rain
and i am just wondering if i would be able to zonk out as fast later....
hahaha...i think it was pure amusing.
thinking after dance class yesterday would be utterly boring coz tika cun make it to class.
i took the train with zhixiang (and not zhi qiang) hahaha and we CRAPPED our way back home sia! hahaha..checking out both females and males butts.. like how tika and i would... i wondered if it is just a dance thing... hrmmmmm
totally amusing ahhaha and we just giggled non stop over an army boy whom we thot was cute...but sheesh..total nerd!
oh well. and there we go discussing on how butts should be like on the latin dance floor.... and we agreed on, male dancers should HAVE BUTT (yum yum..i am always turn on by tight butts...GIVE IT TO ME BABE...AHHUH AH HUH)...well..in comparison with the females, refrain ur butt from being too outstanding..coz it looks ugly
and for females, naturally should have a butt tat is protruding. however, it cant be too BIG...it would be an unsightly thing on the dance floor hahahaha.
and how come S&G no cute guys one?????
10:09 PM |
|
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
it's been some time since i last blogged
well i am getting really hastened by work which i totally detested
anyway, i also dunno wat i can blog
just tat i am feeling super tired and i havent got sick for almost a year
yeh.
i dun like the fact tat i am not sick
coz usu, i am sick every 6 months
it actually builds up my system slowly
i dun wish to fall terribly sick, suddenly
hectic
hectic
i am supposed to meet shan and yumiko on separate occasion
but where am i to find the BLOODY TIME!?!?!
i love and hate work
sometimes i dun get it, y does he always act stupid or silly?
i am not tat kind of girl who, will slowly slowly get closer to u then suddenly becomes ur gf w/o being asked.
hahahhaha...
i am way too logical and clearcut than tat!
if alwyn is right and he likes me...then i die liao.....coz i dun.....though he is nice..but sigh..it is way too simple, i dun like him, like i knew i am so crazy in love...
but dance was hilarious
we girls are bullying zhi qiang or zi qiang, but we gave him a nick, chi cheong fan! hahaha...terrible and he was nice enuff to dance with like 5-6 girls coz we seriously lack guys..
and i did something so silly to him tat every1 luffed
hahahaha...i wish i could video it down
and wondered if lewis is going to commit into competition.
but then again,
who would want to be my partner
i always have this nagging feeling tat i am just too ______ to find a partner.
i dunno how to explain, issit becoz i am picky or just think i cant dance for nuts.
not good enuff for others to be partner.
siao liao....
and i am REALLY shy into asking pple to dance with me one.
unless i know tat guy is super nice to every girl
coz i also scared the guy complains me this and that, think i too demanding
when i comment, then they not happy.
sigh...then sigh!!!!!! lewis!!!!!! am i being super sensitive? when i do ask pple to dance, some pple u know who i am toking abt...like...dunno...SIGH...
groan.
i think my attitude is when i do ask pple for help, is because i wanna to learn
at least michael does teach me!
heng..but crappy, he muttered something which is pretty duh.
dun dance liao la!
but i love it
and sometimes, i feel utterly useless. dunno y, i have another nagging feeling pple give way or "nicer" to me coz they think i pretty.
okie.seriously. i HATE tat.
sigh and dunno wat? if becoz pple hire me for various reasons and one of the heavier considerations is being "pretty" in pple's eyes, then wat am i when i prove my worth?
orh...becoz she has a pretty face, not becoz she has capability?
never mind. now i know y i only bother to dress on when i go out on friday to work
i dun want ot be "too astonishingly pretty" (in others' eyes)...
f.... sometimes, it bugs me, really.
think i am mad.
i must prove my worth at least.
not perfect but use my BRAIN!
but sigh..i am too honest, i am too stupid, i am too straight...hahahhahahaa
dum dee dum...
when i fall in love, i'll take my time,
there's nothing to hurry when i am making up my mind.
u can turn off the sun, but i am still gonna to shine
and i'll tell u y.......
11:56 PM |
|
Thursday, October 13, 2005
if tarot cards said i am to be alone for a long time, i am totally amused
hahahahahaha
but yet it goes, becoz of a r'ship, ur career path is stalled
heh?
hahaha
interesting...
but i was told to keep faith and stay positive and be grateful!
i am!!!!
i am learning tat is!
=o)
9:54 PM |
|
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
WAH!!!!!!
i have received this very funny sms
"eh, must let u noe i reall quite adore u 1 leh. i juz try 2 irritate u often 4 fun.no hard feelings ok?........"
piang
the word ADORE sounds pretty different
hahahahhaha
so i asked "wat's adore?"
orh the reply is "love? hahahhahaha"
CRAPPY
wah lau.....*shivers*
bleah!!!!
how???
sigh, choonie!!! i miss some1 badly.... BLEAH!!!!
u r going to luff at me again right?
hahahahaha
i wanna hug him and kiss him!!!
*muack*
*cuddle cuddle*
hahahhaha...
i am turning mad.
lalalalalalalalalalalalaal
and u know wat?
life is getting alittle boring
YAWN
7:50 PM |
|
Monday, October 10, 2005
this has been weird.
today was the day i told myself,
i will just wait patiently all my life, my dreams that would come true.
nono. i dun mean i will just sit and WAIT, but rather, i would be patient and would keep in faith tat i am on track to my dreams
i dunno.
maybe i have always been a very impatient and "quick" person.
forever rushing into doing things, planning ahead of wat i would need to do?
maybe tat's y God is teaching me to be patient.
and thus, i shall.
i feel alittle sad at times, feel so small, so insignificant in front of pple.
tat's very demeaning really.
but when i remember the stars above, and remember how big this universe is, and no matter how small this world can be, i tell myself, there's a place somewhere for me, to shine and be who i am.
i miss the stars, and the many shooting stars and the wispy trails of milky way above my head. it is astonishingly beautiful
i am always left speechless, and would just want to lie down, and breathe.
then i tell myself on my way to dance, that if i can always think of depressive thots, i can think of positive thots. that was then, when i told myself, i will put a stop to EVERYTHING.
choonie once told me, "dun belittle urself, and there's nothing wrong with u, tat's the way u r and i am still here!"
i have decided to tell her wat my ugly duckling bubble (and i almost spelt buble) was and she was completely shocked. the one girl she knew, always confident and knowing wat she does (and actually i still do know wat i am doing, just tat i am doubting much more than before) isnt tat strong at all.
but i am surviving!
it is hard to breathe at times.
but i tell myself,
i am to be grateful that i am even alive!
i am to be grateful that i am even here!
i am to be grateful that i am even sad!
i am to be grateful that i am even crying!
i am to be grateful that i can smile!
sometimes, i think, how silly i was to be unhappy with so many things, especially with things that i personally made worse or watsoever.
stupid me isnt it?
that i have given myself a FEW FINE LINES to my eyes! and now i have to salvage the situation...damn.
i am happy, and i guess, i do have my good side, DUN I?
but i guess, i always wanna to be a better person.
really.
but by belittling myself wont make myself a better person.
it only makes things worse.
oh well
i just tell myself to keep faith the things i wish to achieve.
maybe i would not reach it in the end, but i do wish i can enjoy the process.
tink tink.
i will wait patiently for my miracle to happen, even if it takes a lifetime.
i will wait patiently to achieve my dreams, even if i am to fail many times first.
i will wait patiently for my MAN to appear, even if i am to turn old.
i will wait patiently for mnay good and bad things to unfold, while i work hard to be patient!
peace!
11:48 PM |
|
Sunday, October 09, 2005
met choonie again. coz i was completely bored, alittle upset.
think i seriously need a hrmm... good distraction!
time flies WAY TOO FAST. i dun seem to grasp it as fast as i could.
i wonder, sometimes, life's meaning isnt for one to find, but to land upon.
queer
i am off to do some groceries shopping then read a book
ah.
if only, if only hahaha, i could just realise wat i am capable of then,
then maybe i would be a happier person.
maybe it is only human to be forced to grow up, beyond ur age.
maybe it is only human to desire the life of the greater.
but u know, i may NOT want to be human. i dun want a life beyond my age nor a life of a greater. i want to be a child forever!
12:44 PM |
|
Monday, October 03, 2005
rhythm of the falling rain
Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
And let me be alone again.
Now the only girl I've ever loved has gone away.
Looking for a brand new start!
But little does she know that when she left that day.
Along with her she took my heart.
Rain, please tell me, now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another, when my heart's somewhere far away.
Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
And let me be alone again.
Interlude
Rain, won't you tell her that I love her so
Please ask the sun to set her heart aglow
Rain in her heart and let the love we know start to grow.
Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain,
And let me be alone again.
Oh listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter pitter patter, Oh
Listen, listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter pitter patter, Oh
Listen, listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter pitter patter
i was taking mrt home and found myself listening to the pitter patter of the rain and of coz, the thunders and flashing lightnings rolling into one.
it was pouring.
then this song came to mind and damn it is a great oldies.
i was thinking how terrible i felt today. i was totally torn apart with my mum BUGGING me to throw away shoes tat are spoilt.
but i looked ard? the shoes tat are really spoilt? are already gone and presumed that the one tat was half spoilt ( it is still wearable!!!) is gone.
then i have a shock of my life. i open the biggest shoes cupboard of the house to find, most of them were my mum's shoes. and i sometimes dun get it. she barely steps out of the house, and u know where my shoes lie? on the rack stacked into 2 piles.
and tat was it. and she has the "cheek" to ask me to throw away shoes? and wat shoes can i throw? just to accomodate ALL her shoes?
tat's totally sucky u know. i barely surviving on most prob 3 pairs of shoes with 2 pairs of flip flops.
then i seriously dun understand her impulsive buy for 2 pairs of shoes she CUN wear in the end. i rather she spend it on clothes, really.
at this pt, u must be thinking, wat a terrible daughter i am, to criticise my mum. yeah, go ahead, scold me disrespectful or wat so ever shit. but i think, maybe she should think abt the SHOES, and i never meant clothes she bought.
she cun walk propoerly really, so i guess i rather she uses the money for 2 pairs of shoes for a pair tat may not look very nice but is really comfy for her feet?!
i am not stopping her shopping. go ahead. it is a woman's pleasure, but can she shop smartly. and she has more shoes than i do, when i step out of the house much more than she does.
fine. sue me for being logical.
sometimes, i really hate being who i am. bitchy, some1 who cannot tolerate my mum's dictationship. but then, my dad and my sister sometimes cant either.
but i am always the one, "standing up" right, u might say, but sometimes, i felt
stupid and terrible, but i just felt injustice in me.
i am completely torn.
who can tolerate my temper as much as my family could?
and i always have this notion, that no 1 in my family actually listens to me toking, even nonsense? and christina, dun worry tat u dun chit chat with your mum, maybe sometimes, it is BETTER tat way.
as such, to this stage, i always think, i am one who needs to kick out of the house?
the ungrateful brat who cant stand the way my mum tries to control everything.
or rather any1 who tries to control me.
i think i am a person who lives better alone.
seriously.
at lesat i really dun step on others toes.
at work too, being frank has shown tat i have been "overboard"
we all feel bad all the time, but let me tell u the truth.
can u be as sensitive as me and feel DOUBLY bad?
but somehow, it is jsut the vibes in me to say something out.
okie.
maybe there's wrong with me.
u can try to do some stupid thing and pick me up on the mrt just because u think i attractive, but the end of the day, who am i to u? n can u accept wat i am?
sometimes, pple say, i should take it as a compliment, but sometimes, i take it like an insult. but i do thank god i dun have a hideous, monstrous looking face.
then again, who am i to complain and bitch abt everything, when i cant even practice tat myself. my mum.
but i always tell myself, at the end of the yr, i must bring her shopping and let her buy the CLOTHES she can buy. no, i wont indulge her with shoes she shouldnt buy.
yeh, sue me, i am just like my mum, a control freak.
i really hate myself sometimes, and i do punish myself in the weirdest way.
maybe tat's y i can never get out of the "ugly duckling" bubble.
sometimes, i really would remain silent and tok to myself to mutter scoldings
and TAT isnt cute, pls......
the rain has stopped. and it is time to zzz
sometimes, i totally believe in this sentence
"life, sometimes, gets very meaningless. u work, sleep, eat and the cycle repeats."
hell it does. i would love, to find a dark spot in singapore one day, and just watch the stars drown my sorrows.
11:52 PM |
|
Sunday, October 02, 2005
it was really weird.
there i was rotting in front of the tv today, finally
hoping to catch my missed CSI: MIAMI thne i realised, they dun play the replay on sat only on sunday which is damned!
then i was really bored, and upset in a way. i cant see my CUTE guy
all was not lost till i caught this french/english movie named
merci docter rey.
hahaha it was a crappy intriguing french movie but it has a good ending which i like.
but oh well i wont bother to start on a summary and review of the movie.
it gets way duh
anyhow, i was just on my way to clementi to meet eph for dinner.
i saw something which made me feel less adequate as a human at times.
i sat there wondering, upset, partly because i was drifting in and out from dazes, on how humans can be so cold and warm at the same time.
humans have their own fidelity and who hasnt made mistakes?
however, we never tend to wish to forgive and forget some mistakes.
things we have done, cna be heart warming to some, yet insulting to others.
just as that i came with some kind of conclusion, that though it is part and parcel of life, to forgive or not to forgive, has no longer become a question nor a thot which requires much answer.
sometimes, if life has to turn out we make this mistake for the sake of it, to learn, or even maybe NEVER to learn from it, i guess it is only a tidal wave warning to run up to the hill and aovid getting washed away the next time round.
just as how much eph and i enjoyed doing the alfresco dining at this kopitiam in clementi with the perfect weather, that isnt too humid nor cold with this great breeze coupling with amicable ambience. give me kopitiam tok anytime! as long as it isnt stuffy and HOT, i learnt how impt to keep frens like that. hrmmmm
there we were, sitting, chatting abt anything under the stars literally.
from PR skills to handling delicate BGRs, from handling bosses/colleagues to handling society and hey, wat is more relaxing than just toking abt anything on your mind without being judge?
there i was telling how stressed i was to at work, and how i am getting attention from the same kind of guys, eph sat there luffing.
he went "u know ah, hahahah...u siao liao, attract same pattern guys one..."
then i go " wat to do? how to run? somemore pattern same, action same, tok same!!!!!" *faintz*"
LOL.... then eph was telling his side of "work" and love life.
then i go, with this god-damn-it-i-have-understood-life-finally tone to him
"sometimes, pple change and leave for a good reason, to grow, to develop and who knows when paths cross again, things and perceptions would be different!"
there, i sat luffing at how he and xin would be in a kind of love tug-o-war.
then i forgot to tell him, being the sentimental mei, "u know, if u know if she is who u want to be with, though u seem not sure, she would be yours."
hahahaha... now u have read this, SHOOT ME BROTHER!
once again, i ordered my third drink and hahaha....in all my drinks are cheaper than one mocha latte in coffee bean, we toked more on services industries and how WE can never be bosses but only consultant like employees. hahaha.
alamak, we must have become those kind who can NEVER earn big bucks la!
siao liao!
superficiality, is something i never wish to associate with. i hate it personally.
maybe because when i was younger, which again, i have explained, i was the ugly duckling. as such, you might thinking, luffing at my words when i say i am shy.
hahaha... but it is okie. at this stage of life, where i have FINALLY finished my so called degree, started work and all, i looked back at my childhood days whne i have promised myself who i am going ot be when i grow up, i stopped.
maybe i am becoming who i wanted to me.
when i was much younger, i was this really vain little girl who wanna to make up.
*gasp* yeh yeh, then when i got to the fact i am ugly, i thot, even makeup wouldnt help, i just gave up the thot of being "pretty" and became the so called tomboy.
pants, short hair, specs, tough.
u name it all!
such persisted till i came out of nus.
almost. now i do make up, and yeh, i am going bobbi brown workshop partly because i love the image and stuff they have over there. it is time to kill some stupidity
and then i realised, it is not because of wat materialism has taken over me.
but it was being some1 i wanted to be since young.
i have transformed.
but i am NOT tat crazy over make up, trust me. still an idiot at it! hahaha... i dun follow fashion fads
i like classics. i love clothes that last a century. but i do get bored of my waredrobe but hey, who doesnt?
then i looked into the way i am now
long black hair, with the red specs/ frequent contacts.
ocassionally tanned skin, i love how i look now.
not say wat, but i am fit (losing it coz i have LESS DANCE..which will change after i have started jive technique)hekc if i am weighing 53kg on the scale.
sue me if u think i ma HEAVY.
but again, i am struggling with the notion of superficiality and brawn
sometimes, i REFUSED to dress up in office.
coz i wanna be seen as the girl (yeh, i admit) that i wanna be some1 with substance and not a vase.
i wanna show the attitude i wish to protray.
but i may have failed coz the way i look. i am not ugly, true. pple commented i am pretty. fine. but i sometimes, feel, i might have indulged a little in using tat fact to get my way. but then i stepped back again, i have hardly do tat on pple.
coz i dun shun "ugly pple" or "uncool pple" as my frens.
i wanna an attitude, not a wolf whistle from a man.
tat's all.
and when i mean an attitude, is respect, and also, appreciation for being me for my personality and not just my so called beauty.
do i make the cut?
am i good enuff for my job, my family, and my frens?
till now, i doubt my capabilities in certain issues and i can never seem to reconcile them amiably.
there i was, telling eph something, sometimes i feel tat i am being restricted by my environment. i hate it when pple call me SPG (which is NOT true, i dun hang out with angmoh leh) or watsoever, or telling me wat i should be and do, tat i wanna always wanted to be outside singapore. it is because i have found out, i can be who i really am when i am out there and not here and be happy abt it.
then i told him, i needed to adjust so tat i can at least grow more, in a less limiting way, being a more less-threatening socialiser (not a socialite..hahah)
maybe tat's y, alot of pple do chit chat with me (only when i am willing to) and i am a crowd influencer, and changes the mood of an environment if i wish to, esp when i have become the centre of attraction unwittingly.
so being who i am, has partly transformed me into who i am today.
when i was young, the thing that came to mind of wat i wanna be is
career minded woman with a command of respect, brains and looks!
i admit, i never never thot of prince charming at all.
hahahhaha...i guess it is the drama serials i have watched then hahaha.
how society would mould a young's mind hurhur!
though latin dancing was the THING i was attracted to. hahaha ignore me
i digressed again din i? but here i am, confused, with the word superficiality
and being a less useful person. i wish i knew the answer to the life's darkest secrets, live.
but i admit, i am TAKING CHARGE of my life now, and tat's definite.
i earn my own $ and i lead my life.
though not really my ideal life, but yeh i am working twds it all in all.
i wish really, my own apartment with a pet or two, having frens over for dinner, dancing room and a glass rooftop with the ocean beside me. fantastic.
goodness, i have become like lawrence brother, the vow of celibracy hahahahaha.
=oP
12:24 AM |
|
Saturday, October 01, 2005
the beauty of it all, is wat you cant give.
the love i have, is all i have to offer to you.
if the life i have lived, question me back on how i live,
maybe i have to live my life once more, to make it right.
every touch, every word, every move
is mirrorred in my memory.
tell me if this is de javu
the bell tinks against the door,
maybe i have to dance once again.
to the beat of 4, i sway to the side.
i reach my arm out to you, but to see no one
i was pulled back on the beat of 2, and never to step again.
no me dejes.
pues te haré sufrir con este
corazòn que se llenó de mil inviernos
1:32 AM |
|
|
|
