Monday, November 28, 2005
help!!
i am drowning
i have no time for myself at all!
i detest work coz my company has yet to get more manpower.
instead of increasing it, they have it decreased?!?!
and damn, i am earning peanuts okie. nope it is damn low
they better fight for our pay rise. if not, they would be complained!!!!!
damn
damn!
we work like the japanese
and i dun earn much.
if i earn as much as i work, i wont mind.
but damn it, give me less money and give me my personal time and space
i think i cant work with pple
i told yq ge, maybe i should go back to school.
no money, no talent, wat's there for me in the future?
10:54 PM |
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Friday, November 25, 2005
off to batam till sunday evening then i can see marilyn...my niece's name
and i am off to chill
geez.
pms
and u know, suddenly i wish that THE ONE would appear! hahaha
gosh, i still believe in THE ONE?
faint. let's fall in love!
btw, i still miss him!
hahaha..dun like this mah....i cant help me.
how?! my heart is suffering from severe heartache...y cant i see him yet?
and hahahahahaha....
must be because my eye candy is not ard to allow feasting tat's y i miss him instead!
i must endure.
it is just PMS
hahahaha.
and i need to shop
next week is the world ballroom championship dinner...
tian ah
8:52 PM |
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Saturday, November 19, 2005
just got up thinking of wat my future brings.
then i thot, wat the heck
i wont want to think too much now.
this is the time to sit back and relax
i do need to stop myself from looking for a purpose.
hahha tat's the new purpose for now.
STOP LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE BABE!
i am happy at work when i learn new things, pple telling me this and tat.
like how things work, y and ahh, it makes sense, and do i make sense to you?
i totally agree wiht one thing in life
if u cant convince pple, dun even try confusing others.
it is giving pple the understanding, and diagrams are not just about quoting wat there is but adding flavour, ur own words to beautify it yet not making it complicated. tat's wat i called aural/oral test back in primary school days.
so, where has tat education in u gone too? to the sewage?
maybe i am not technically sound, i cant tell u which theroy came from where and how they come abt with the theory as now, but i can give u a gist or how pple formulate it. because i understand it.
slowly i would learn the histroy coz i have interest in it.
in the 1800s, tat's when the first W bolts and nuts came about and y is it being phrased out? because mpore standardised hardware come into play.
international standards are not set along that line.
thus, wake up and be more conventional!
wat's wrong being conventional? being like the membrance module, being the hydrophilic compound, getting sucked through and then evaporise causing u to have trauma in your head? no, but it is because, u lack the understanding and indeed, empty vessel makes the most noise, but the biggest killer is when even the empty vessel are silent. tat's when u r caught unaware!!!
in life, i believe in one thing (and hey, i am starting to count how many beliefs i still have and surviving!) that the more u try to bring some pple down, n in time, it would be your turn to be down. and those pple are the ones u fear, who rise on top of u, not wittingly but forcefully, by your own sheer fear. fear of pple being better than u, fear than pple outshine u, fear that u r going to be out of the game.
fear, is something u can instil not by environment, human influence, but just through one's thots and queer sense of analysis. fear is something which leads to your own downfall.
it is indeed like watching a typical tennis match, and most opponenets fear that they would always lose to federer, thus losing not to him, but to themselves, mentally.
a strong mind is like a strong packing. its mechanical strenght is the basic factor to withstand not just the weight itself in a bed, but also liquid retaining in the void space and maybe often, the weight of the distributor. however, if u apply to the wrong packing ot the wrong application, like CS to corrosive application, dun bother even toking about the shear force on the pakcing, it gives way internally, structurally.
however, a strong mind, lands on the wrong side of the y=x line, the whole equmilibrium shifts, changes place. the distillate becomes the raffinate and vice versa, thus walking on the wrong side of the force, makes life very wayward and ungraspable.
life cant be predicatable, but it should be graspable, within your own limits, beyond your imagination.
limits arent formative but rather ductile. they change themselves respectively to their places, environment and pple.
ah, it is like the VLE going where they always go, yet u change the method to suit the best u can to obtain the highest purity and yield.
some things just cant change, but your perception, angle of analysis, formulation, basis, can change. it isnt just the attitude, the stone headed attitude, but the calm self and adjustive mannerism which allow u to understand and reflect.
i sat there in the room, feeling like a complete idiot. subsequently, my smile disappears, coupling with a few unhearty luffs.
idiot.
then i realise, sometimes, u dun even have to find any method to deal with a situation. let it be, and thus life be.
every 1 is indeed unique.
u like some, u dislike some.
u love them as being truthful, u hate them for lying to you.
if your life seems horrid now, hey, *hugz* coz u r loved everyday by some1, maybe who is keeping quiet, but yeh tat some1 is loving u, like ur family, frens, admirers.
just hold on.
life is short, sometimes deemed useless, but hey, happiness, is something not abt getting to be smiling luffing, living in your own world, but living with the world.
1:45 AM |
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i hate pple who fake in front of me
i really do
i find it very uncomfortable
very UNcomfortable
like u dun want, say dun want
dun like, say dun like
wat the f?
and say it right to my face, esp when i ask u.
anyway, work sucks and it pays sucky too.
think would not have much prospect too.
so i am thinking how long i can hold on.
oh well
really, u r the one slogging, pple getting the credit..
FINE, i will just leech the juice out from your brain, if tat's wat u think u r GREAT at.
i totally agree with brother,
there are things, pple should clarify among themselves b4 loudspeaking it
totally agree. as i was seeking advice, i felt there's no way i am going to let it bring me down.
i will just keep quiet, absorb and one day, throw it back at u. be happy...
i was tired and sick and stressed out. not because i cant cope with work, i am taking things in stride, learn as i go, ask when i know i cna ask
but please, dun come and judge me on wat is stupid and wat cant be asked.
if u think i ma too young, rethink back the times U HAVE GONE THRU!!
if u think so highly of urself, get a mirror!
i wont let your judgement stop me from understanding and learn.
u r the one who needs to learn and relearn.
if u can place understanding in a situation, rethink and think wat r u in tat situation b4 giving u 2 cents worth, coz seriously speaking, it isnt constructive.
it is totally back stabbing.
enuff said
and haha...kind of like brother's music arrangement on his band music
chill out.
1:19 AM |
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Sunday, November 13, 2005
emotions intertwined.
i swear i never could love again.
i was wrong.
my heart skipped a beat.
how could i ever forget?
forget the pain i had.
forget the tears i've cried.
i walk on with the shoes you've bought.
wrong size.
i care less for i feel i am walking with you.
how do you make me believe again?
can i trust my heart to u once more?
we walk away from our past
nothing seems more correct.
maybe it was wrong
we redeemed ourselves from our mistakes
we held hands and see beyond.
passion isnt love
and only love cries for sacrifice
how tall did u stand when i stand with u?
did u even feel my pain when u look away
when u look away from our future, from my eyes
there's no us
there's no more together forever
there's no u.
i live with fear.
i mingle with the devil
i dance with sadness
i smile for emptiness.
nothing, and i do say nothing.
for i was blind
for i only heard the soul song,
the soul song telling me to die
the snow glitters in the sun.
i see the rainbow forming.
how could the sky cry and pple rejoice?
time is running out.
i rather slow down
slow down to feel
to feel my soul
my soul which loves
which loves you.
i wonder if my brother could make a song out of all the "poems" i have made over the yeaars? and actually i have kept them somewhere.
i wish i would show him one day
and ask him, add a bossa nova tune to it.
and then i would try to sing to my song.
in life, we always try hard to SEE but we have forgetten how to feel, to touch.
nothing is more compelling than the sense of touch, the feeling u sense.
we force our eyes to see. wat we can see, we feel comfortable, we feel secure.
wat we lack, is the faith to feel and love.
u cannot see love. love is formless.
but it is the actions u do, transform love to act of love.
however, if u dun feel the acts, u will never know love.
it is not abt seeing an action tat is impt, it is feeling and doing an action tat speaks a thousand words.
it is time we sit down and listen to our heart.
it is time we lie back and feel wat's ard us.
it is time we understand who we are and wat we lack
it is time to love the all and nots in this world.
wat's lost cant be redeemed, but doesnt mean, we learn to stop to lose
loss is soemthing we can never deter.
but we can try to reduce the loss of things which matter.
toking abt faith, then i realise how humans enter phase or cycle of lost faith.
we lose faith
we lose heart
we lose ourselves
i have been through tat and i am aware of the pain, the rejection, the lack of motivation, the weighing down of footsteps.
i am not trying to preach but i am trying to voice out wat i have been through, and which pple who have the same mentality or perception to reach out to those who appreciate and understand. a solution never applies to all
a method doesnt work for every1.
nothing can be changed overnite. but u can destroy a person overnite.
u cant build a heart overnite, but u can kill some1 in an instance.
the nite is quiet isnt it?
the breeze blows sweetly
the breathing is calm and regular.
tat's when one stands at the forkroad of sanity and insanity.
you may hear ur inner voice, u can hear the devil speak
keep faith, work your faith, take no heart to discouragement, take heart to wat's best. nothing is too right nor too wrong, just keep faith, good old faith.
12:59 AM |
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Saturday, November 12, 2005
shoot me shoot me
i miss my eye candy!!!
howhowhowhow
hahahaa
jialat
i think men are really one kind leh!
hahaha..but it is a fact
they are just honry bastards.
and if me dancing salsa is making the other party feel me damn hot,
so am i successful? but the pt is, in my bloody specs and dark rings?
okie...period.
12:26 AM |
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Wednesday, November 09, 2005
dear blog,
i have decided to write a letter to you again. feeling really retarded and very tired
i have swollen lips, dry and about to crack anytime.
i lack sleep..
suddenly i started to realise y i never like ask pple to dance with me.
u see, i NEVER realise how i provoke pple. coz i DUN MEAN anything AT ALL.
yet pple think i am doing something mean or watsoever.
really, i am just being who i am, and I DUN MEAN A THING. Blog, can u tell me wat's wrong? i am too pesterly? maybe but it is because i dun get it mah. either that, pple cant be patient with me and only me.
i am a very guy person.
yeh i am not a typical girl
but hey, i dun wish to stereotype pple.
so yeh, i am one who wants to understand the gist.
yeh i am impatient. or so called watsoever
i know things cant be learnt overnite.
but u see, i dun get it. I JUST DUN GET IT AT ALL.
it is like, i totally find the "sticky hand" really useful and logical.
i know i CANT perfect it at the very moment, but at least i know WAT U MEAN
it is okie
i will just take it i am just being a bitch
dunno.
is it JUST me? sigh
or is it just both of us?
i am just frustrated
becoz if one or two okie
but if alot leh?
argh!!!!!
now u know y i am suffering from err...watever upset thingy watsoever.
i am completely lost
12:14 AM |
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
i am feeling really terrible today.
i dun wish to whine and kick a fuss like a little kid,
sitting on the floor, making a din.
i am not like this.
tat's y i blog.
but i dunno wat's wrong
something is definitely bothering me and i dunno wat it is.
i am really grateful abt one thing, tat my parents are kicking alive, sitting there watching tv. and i have to learn to cherish them really well, coz i wonder wat happens if they leave suddenly. tat's a thot i dun wish to think abt.
coz i think, my final line of defence would collapse. my only source of support would be gone. i think tat time, emptiness is indeed a void.
give me strength to stand up.
give me strength to see
give me light to shine my own path.
give me ur hand so i can walk with u
give me the touch tat i know i am worth something
give me the smile that i know i am loved.
i know i am loved.
all i want is confirmation
all i want is encouragement.
all i want is recognition.
where's the help i needed?
where's the word that i have to hear?
i remembered how it helped me change my world completely.
now i am searching for the same miracle.
would it come?
would it actually happen?
i guess, i must motivate myself.
i must.
if everything explodes and sink into a singularity,
at least it happened!
i must see my life happened, not wasted.
remnants must there be for the future.
i want to sit back and relax.
i want to take my time.
i dun want to give myself any more stress.
the weight on the shoulders is getting too much to bear.
i need to focus
i need to believe.
thou shall not bow to self destruction
i shall not fight wat's in me.
i must stand tall for who i am.
and wat's who i am and in me,
thou shall just let it present itself.
12:34 AM |
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Sunday, November 06, 2005
watching daredevil has made me realise 2 things
1) we humans, always not facing our fears and desires.
we avoid them like some kind of plague.
we always come out with excuses like, obligations, money, society, time, space etc. that we cant fulfil a dream, a passion, love, something tat makes a different in our lives.
i fear and i regret that i am one of them, who cant give up things for my own passion. maybe sometimes, time and space really disallowed it.
but by doing so, we are not betraying time space etc, but ourselves.
we are betraying ourselves.
2) senses are something we can never live without. yet we have taken them for granted.
i guess the email has made me rethink its meaning.
7 wonders of the world are
1) to see
2)to hear
3)to tok
4) to feel
5) to smell
6) to smile
7) to love
i think tat's the 7 wonders of world..but i bet cry was somewhere..oh watever.
there, enjoy!
10:39 PM |
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Friday, November 04, 2005
zorro is funny and good
ahh..
i wish i could be like catherine zeta jones!
perfectly sexy and womanly
ahhhh...
wooo..i love the way they kiss!!
the DESIRE!
the YEARN!
the PASION!
12:21 AM |
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Wednesday, November 02, 2005
today is the day when many things just seemed fine, slow and simple.
simple girl with a simple mind, working simply and just simply tired.
i miss crazy days
i miss days when i can scream and shout
i miss days when i walk my life at the edge of a cliff
i have a dream.
and hrmm i will see how things go.
either i go study masters or just take up a new degree.
time will tell.
if pple can abandon anything to achieve their dreams, y not me?
i dun just wish to see pple who love me get hurt.
dum dee dumm..
fate will bring some dreams together.
and i always believe, in life, it is all abt fate and timing.
really.
if u r in luck of good fate, things come naturally to you.
when u r not, nothing seems right.
i actually never wish to believe it but now i have no choice but to believe
dum dee dum
i miss him again. sigh
just one day leh...ONE DAY! no.. one nite.
one nite.
bleah.
i think wat i said to bao is true. sometimes, u feel stupid to have gut feelings.
they like wrong one.
so y follow?
11:28 PM |
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005
i am sooooo tempted to upload my photos of hahaha...shots in the pub
but i havent got to have a chance to bring it home and store it somewhere
i have to wait till brother is back then
hahaha
i have scandalous photos
but sheesh...lucky never take the one with his lips on my cheek! faintz
but ahhh..i would love to proclaim my little curious niece is healthy and fine besides having alittle of jauntis. (this is how u spell it?)
and i am really looking fwd to a dream. havent got the chance to sit in front here to surf net so slow orh...
and i have been missing some1 so badly that i din know wat to do.
just one day and i have already missed him so much.
sheesh!!! and i am utterly disappointed, coz my eye candy isnt going batam!!!
he is like this quiet yet very humourous guy with that beautiful smile which is coupled with dimples!!!! he is indo chinese with with the right tan. hahahahahahahaha
how? i am IN LOVE! hahaha..and i would giggle to peggy and go..
'here comes my eye candy!!!!' then she would smile along with me coz both of us agree that he has the cutest smile....his smile will melt me away into my dreams... hahahahaha..definitely a booster at work! sigh...i need to grow up man.
actually i should learn to control my emotions esp when i have pms
sheesh.. seriously speaking i lack it when pms strike...really!!!!
pms is not a good thing at all, as it alwyas bring back my saddest, most depressed memories. and till now, it still aches and pain me sometimes.
like i told my sister something yesterday while listening to 95.8 which was broadcasting on pple who are depressed and how their loved ones can help.
i told her straight, "the counsellor is right. NEVER console some1 who is being depressed or despondent this...CAN U JUST PLEASE STAND UP? THERE ARE PPLE WORSE OFF THAN U! LEARN TO APPRECIATE WAT YOU HAVE!"
coz when i was on the verge of depression, seriously i think i was relaly there.
loss of weight (and tat wasnt due to dance, coz i din go dance as often as last yr), sleepless nites, no energy, think only of the worst and NEVER positive.
i have frens who told me that, and actually i felt worse than ever. wanting so much to die coz in my mind, i cun logically erase the "fact" that they were using just being unempathetic, and so henceforth, unable to understand my predicament and my insercurities. This made myself felt even more worthless and sucidal.
then i realised how impt it is for some1 willing to lend a listening ear, and just listen. dun make some1 who is depressed not willing to chat with u with wat is bothering her or him. maybe he or she doenst know wat is bothering her, but at least let him or her say out one's insecurities, naked thots tat are possessing one's mind.
tat's very impt. it is impt to let him or her to say out his depressed thots and negativity to allow him to realise the many things he thinks are already formulated out through words and this allow him to think more logically.
bottled thots and emotions are the bridge to deeper depression and sucidal notions.
ur presence and reassurances would actually allow the patient or ur loved one realise how tat one BOTHERS to listen and care.
tat's actually the first move or step to curb further depression.
at first, one would then start to emotionally cling onto you for further securities, but have to be logical and not emotional with him or her.
NEVER, cry with him or her nor get pissed off with him or her
tat's emotional...and when tat comes in, depression sinks much deeper into one's subconscious mind.
and then when u r able to access his or her mind and allow them to understand the seriousness can be reduced if they learn to keep faith and learn to understand they have to help themselves, tat's the greatest step.
also, chatting wont just help. learn to bring them out, allow them to see things can be happy and sad can happen any times, all the time. nothing is perfect and so are we. allow them to know, that beauty comes from within and it is themselves who are to believe in that, and in themselves. let them participate in activities that bring forth their strengths and allow them to understand their personal beauty. with such, reminding them tat there are good things abt them.
do not give them general direction, esp at the start. they are lost sheep mind u.
thye need guidance, a path shone in the dark. not a fork road.
whne u realise they learn to, slowly learn to let go. and hopefully the rest is up to them in their mind.
and damn i should take up social science?
but in actual fact, this is the basic to human instincts and intelligence
it is simply put, as the basic understanding to pple and their thinking.
if u can understand and analyse, i am sure it is applicable to almost many things in this world. for example, in the method u work, how u would interact with your boss, your colleauges.
your frens, your partner, strangers along the roads.
ciao.
i guess it takes one to understand one.
it takes two to understand two.
but may i ask, wat's is one and two?
like the game apple to apple
i always think i must NEVER allow myself to have initial impression of the description and allow the player to convince me that tat word is the best description for the person or place or thing.
if u can, no matter how ridiculous the description of thing oculd be, it is the imagination and your capability to convince pple wins the game.
11:58 PM |
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