Tuesday, January 31, 2006
i have felt more like myself for the past 3 days.
maybe it is just a feeling, but though short, i wish i can maintain it
there i was, sitting, and listening, and felt the power of listening.
it did not just aid me into understanding into certain things, analysing certain issues, but also, helping others indiredctly, to telling their side of story, allowing them a chance, to reaffirm their beliefs or air their queries aloud.
maybe it is a give and take issue or situation. maybe it is just way of life. maybe it is a chance upon to make conversation amongst a group of pple. maybe it is just to chill out and enjoy.
maybe all the different perceptions to different kind of pple, arrived to various actions and reactions, but who cares, if it has satisfied individual thirst respectively, i guessed, it might have just done its effect well, regardless the way or how.
watever, i guess it is time to sleep.
the purpose of life, in huihui's sense, is constantly searching.
maybe i have hit the lows of my life, maybe i have my highs somewhere, the only thing i must constantly remind myself, is tat i am indeed a lucky and blessed soul.
even sometimes i may find life purposeless and meaningless, but given a chance to breathe the next moment, maybe find its purpose into me.
sometimes i will forget all these teachings, all these understandings, but as long as i am strong enuff to get by, i am sure, it will become a habit, and soon a way of life.
again, i stress that i am not preaching, i am just voicing wat i think about my life, and wat i can do.
there's always so much one can do, though we never know our own limits to preform betterw/worse, ntohing in this world works as much as if u can get inspirations from others and being inspiration to tohers.
u can be special in your own way.
10:51 PM |
|
Monday, January 30, 2006
happy lunar new year!
and no, being more dressy or "sexy" is not because i am attached.
tat's wat always happened during cny relative gathering,
"got bf ah! dress so nice nice and sexy.....got right"
when upright i have already said no, but have to back up, literally coz of the strong and upfront "accusation" hahaha.... but seriously, u dress up for urself, not for others.
there's this song that goes "i feel good...."
i am at an interesting crossroad.
heck it
would i burn out?
i love it being left alone, me alone! but not alone with my eye candy, i will be in hype tension mode oops... hahaha...havent felt like a little girl, sitting with her fav candy in hand. hahahaha..howhow? he said "u tok too fas"
but u cant expect me to explain that it is becuase he makes my heart race? hahaha thus my machine gun words? so i blabber that i speak to locals faster than i should. hahaha...though he is indonesian himself. hahaha
but shit, y does he comment that i am tanner than him?!!?!? but he has the smile that makes me melt and he is 27 who doesnt look like it. younger definitely. gosh and he is learned! he reads so widely and i am completely impressed! and well almost swept off my feet! he is calm and is seeking stability.
and wants to travel to europe... sigh...i wanna to see him again... hahahaha..thinking of him makes me happy hahahaha...gosh.. i have never felt like this for a long long time!!!!!! hahaha... i am not in love, bleah! but stupidly i went " so u r a malay christian, so u can eat pork?"
"i think so"
shit. hahaha..and he goes "u r like her, like to tok to urself..."
sigh.
all my bad habits are shown to him so early...how? hahahaha....dun even know if he is attached? sigh..doubt he is la..but sigh...my eye candy is good to see, cant eat one....
i am such a bitch
anyhow, just went dancing... mad right? coz cousin has this urge and we had the access to the key to studio so we went. pretty random and well good!
the whole dance studio to u and him. so u dance
one thing is, u bochap la, dance watever u want
okay, lets get into the "write-proper-english" mode
i cant stand it when some commented on my language power. i wont say i have a strong language foundation, but it isnt all that bad.
give this girl some credit. allright, i cant write long sentences. however, it isnt all about the long sentences?
maybe i am just not linguistic enough. as i have always thought, the harder i have to try to improve it, i am just being plain un-linguistic. by reading widely never seemed to apply to me. maybe i read too much philophoshy books which love ot go in circles or use way too much bombastic words which confuse me. actually, as i read more, i felt the flow of words on the whole matters more than being grammatically correct.
or rather, i just cant write the english way? literally, i just not great, not lousy.
i love to write in circles.
but when it comes to work, i will really prefer to write in clear and logical manner.
and i do mean point form in complete sentences.
that sentence must have seriously irate me. it was too insulting that no 1 could bear, yet others have to rub it in. if encouragement was only meant to come from e soft hearted or e kind hearted, most humans arent as noble as i have thought.
if that meant only as a joke, i would really be too sensitive and have acted upon too fast to turn angry, than to laugh it off.
to the hell with that then.
i must only remember, i will learn things at MY pace and at MY comfort.
it may sound so individualistic that it becomes self-centred. however, i was given no choice, to give thyself a chance to stand for what i will believe, at least in myself.
am i to take dance competition soon? apparently, as i have rejected one guy fren to be my partner, i have seemed to find another. rejection isnt because he is not good enough, but i felt we have personality clashes. we cant seem to dance one dance for long and always ended up dancing with some other pple.
i dun feel any communication going through at all while dancing, thus i felt, that strong difference will hinder ourselves and land into the angry and bottling stage, which i have actually felt b4. felt it was better not to spoil the frenship based on our already differences.
the supposedly dance partner turns out to be my cousin. which such i wish we will not spoil the cousinhood! hahaha...
but one thing y i felt it was comfortable dancing with cousin liwei is, we seem to be able to take each other's critisims and are always open to receive each other's comments, because we know some of our own weaknesses and depend on each other on the blind spots. but most of the time, i will be looking at my cousin with a cheeky look and giggle. ahhaha... tat's during technique class la.
sheesh..i wonder how it will turn out if we really compete.
the weirdest thing is, alot of pple have told us we suit to be partners because of our body and height proportion. hrmmm....
oh well...things will come. yawn
bed time! and lalalala...i hate my ezcema!!!
1:13 AM |
|
Saturday, January 28, 2006
while listening to corraine may, i discovered something.
i found out the beauty of music and earphones
hahahaha
i work much better with that.
seriously!
heck it
i hate work when pple have nothing but tons of comments on you.
f**k and just do your own work la.
sheesh.
1:50 AM |
|
Friday, January 27, 2006
the only thing that keeps me sane
are my jc frens.
i always feel so comfortable and at ease and myself with the voiddeckers
totally at ease, it is a kind of happiness, that one cant realy describe
like, no matter how bitchy u r, or how unhappy u r, or how stressed u r,
as long as u r there, they just chase it away, listen to u and accept who u r.
coz they just do.
i love them and i always love chilling out with them, to tok nothing but stupid things!
if tat is called childish, i think u r the childish one. tat's called happiness
life becomes so simple, so so simple, n just pure bliss ard them.
thank you and love ya lots!
12:43 AM |
|
Sunday, January 22, 2006
sitting here in front of the laptop, got me thinking of how this world has evolved, how communication is possible, to the darkest places on earth.
queer.
can any1 living in the major cities, surviving without emails, hp, internet?
i wonder how accessibility could bring about the closeness of pple?
i used ot think, it sucks, with just nothing but words and words typing across this puny screen, and how much feelings can be related by this invisibile line of communication?
ah.
there i have it, a long sentence of words, i will be condenmed by my english teacher.
then again, school is not part of my life now.
it was, it may be in the future but not now.
however, i have under estimated the power of communication. invisible communication.
maybe i have got to know you better, or even faster, but can i feel deeper, and stronger?
vertical, horizontal and diagonal, who knows wat is the 3 d image bring about?
if all is in your mind, could i transcend the communication, or even feelings to know it?
listening to lady sings the blues, i dun deny the fact that blues are depressing but i kind of enjoy it, not because it is depressing, but the genre has evoked a kind of charm and character, that no music can in me. it reminds me to flow, flow with life.
it tells me to chill, and not think so much. it sings to me the lullbly of the nite that sets the mood right, that i care nothing anymore all the negativity i had in the day.
the attitude towards the invisible communication has changed so drastically with the rise and set of sun.
i hate it
and yet i adore it
then i realise, this invisible mode of communication isnt any indications to life, love, emotions, but just a carrier of the above. maybe it is reflection how the progress of society, of technology, and lifestyle, but it is never the spokesman of the life one can achieve or attain through soul and heart.
maybe to a small group of pple who constantly work their heart out to enhance, breakthrough in this field, tat passion is definitely unstoppable and unextinguishable. but can it determine ones' definition and purpose and being out of their world and stay with the pple and not the hardware?
is this carrier the means to know pple, who love it, or it is just a mode to know pple better?
i am indeed getting confused.
maybe i am in no position
just like, i love dancing, and dancing is only a means to know pple better, not a means to know pple who love it.
maybe u can click better wiht pple who appreciate it, but i think wat matters the most, is pple appreciate u loving it, without their knowledge of dance.
i think there's a major differene with all that.
being recognised for who u r, and being recognised for wat u love, just because u r on the same boat.
exclusivity seems prevalent in this society more.
i guess tolerance has started to thin out centuries ago.
wat's left, seems like a thin piece of paper, soaked in oil, ready ot set fire.
2:16 AM |
|
haha...my gor is saying i am not updating my blog
coz i have been working working and working the whole of this week
really
it is the most hectic and most stressful week i've ever had in this 5 months of work
i have to OT till late or had a meeting till 8pm which lasted for 5.5 hrs
could u believe it?
i mean it is okie, but it was tiring
and mentally stressful on me
it doesnt feel good having pple to breathe down your neck.
and give me a break...i am trying my best with only 5 months of experience on a proper handling of an ordered project.
and i am also down with urgent projects
EVERYTHING SEEMS impt
but in fact,
they just want u to submit a quote, start scolding you for something u din mean to happen.
humans
sigh...
dunno
it is just weird...really weird
but then again, it brought me to the fact tat, am i even suitable for this job?
sigh
hrmmm
BRRRRRRR
but i think i love teasing my niece, and she is so cute.
all she does, at the age of 3 months, talk gibberish to you.
so cute!
i tell u, tat makes me happy.
and also realised, i am not ready to be a mother
hahahahahahaha
12:13 AM |
|
Friday, January 13, 2006
work got me down then got me HIGH!
hahah
and i have found out wat kind of guys i am in love with
workaholics
hahaha
REALLY!!!!!!
hahahahahaha
i cant believe myself
workaholics....
and i am going to be one too
right
hahahaha
life is sooo hectic! shit man! howhowhowhow?
anyhow... i have decided to read a book again ah!
oh bother
damn...i am getting so tired..
rain rain go away!!!!!
it has been raining 7 days in a row..or more?
sheesh..it gets really cold at nite! brrr
reminds me of the days in usa
brrr
i miss something so terribly and i dunno wat it is again!
arghargh..
now i simply enjoy a bowl of yong tau foo.
as always, it is such a pleasure, i am in zen land.
there i was watching the drama serial with alex toh in it! haha i think he looks just damn sexy...damn it, i do have the hots for sexy men.
and i actually spent 1 hr trying to unravel my stupidity on 4 pass trays with my eye candy. but then again, it wasnt really stupid, just happened to be unlucky! argh...
anyhow, to fear the coming of CNY, and nope i do not fear pple asking me "got bf or not?" coz i heck it hahaha though my cousins have bf/gf (my age eh), but the fact is i am another month nearer to turning 24!!!!!
YUCKS and damn it hahaha
i do have fetish for cute boys with great smiles, okie.i click well with younger men
and i dunno y hahaha..luckily my eye candy is older, i think..
anyway, i think work is getting really interesting.
i hate it when i have to LEARN NEW THINGS when i am being PRESSED FOR TIME
hrmm..but as i have said, it got me down then got me high!!!
sigh, i think, it is very upsetting when ur boss kept mentioning some seniors' name
i mean, sigh, c'mon, i am not her!!!!
it gets very discouraging and pressurising. i dunno. i am challenging myself, not her? dot dot dot
anyhow, i am not really bothered by such anymore, i just want to understand things better.. sigh. i wish i can learn more quicker and then maybe siam to somewhere else!!!!
going to read my book and read newspapers
dum dee dum
10:12 PM |
|
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
wah...today finally got the rumba walk backwards
hahahha
FINALLY
and i realised, i can only be led into jive and samba
hahahaha
i cant follow shit for rumba and chacha (mostly rumba)
hahaha
damn i need a fixed partner!!!!!!
oh at least some1 who is willing to teach me
bleah!
sigh
i think i can sense myself improving...finally, on a personal basis
but i am not improving when comes to following lead..
sigh
anyhow.
i wanna fall in love with the impossible!
like i always do!
hahahahahahaha
i am so tired.
i need the bed...
TUCK IN TIGHT!
12:50 AM |
|
Friday, January 06, 2006
just feeling very dazed.
i wonder.
it is today when i felt i understood alot more than i did almost 5 months back
yesh. i am going to work for 5 months.
and i am turning 24 this year.
damn, dun i feel old at all?
just like today, i was chit chatting with this guy whom i thot was at least 23, he turned out to be just 21 (yr 1) in nus, who is pretty good at ballroom dancing.
gosh. can u imagine he is like 2-3 yrs younger?!?!?!?!
sheesh. i am more determined to do something and fulfil my dreams.
also i was just toking to 2 colleagues.
men : women is 1:3.
then out of which, 1/3 of the men are gay.
thus men: women for marriage 1:6
gosh...i think i told my fren
see how we are going to lead into self destruction?
either we manuipiate the sex of the fertilised egg, or we have to go to sperm bank and ensure there are enuff children for the world to continue.
then she shot back saying:" by then we are already dead, who cares!?"
haha i luffed, saying, then u wanna die lonely/sexless?
she goes, hrmm tat's a thot...then she started to luff.
maybe not die as a virgin but at least try not to be too lonely.
now, is there a calling for more matchmaking services?
how abt those who maybe dun want to get married but want to have kids?
i have frens like this.
i have frens who cant even be bothered at all. single is all and good.
i wonder, where's our sense of nature, basic survival skill? procreation?
has that gone as a taboo? like, so u have a family, i dun, i'm cool u know?
has singlehood become a social stigma or fad?
to some, it doenst matter, it isnt their life or calling. i understand
but some, for the sick of not wanting to succumb to marriage, just remain where they stand.
maybe u say i am pot calling the kettle black, coz i am rather fine being single, but i do want a family, wanting to marry for love, to have that family with the man i love and i know he does too.
is tat over romanticism?
is that all wat we call the fairy tale that never happens?
sometimes, a social fad could lead to a permanent damage on social structure and direction.
however, the more we just desires to rebel to it, rebel to social normalisation, more damages will be caused? or could we make a better path for the tomorrow?
would society change just due to rebellions? or just painfully transforming to survive? for example, could we be anti main stream and create a new society our selves? for example, practicing more than just polygamy? as long as any1 can get pregnant and can procreate, u just do tat?
or transforming by using science like invitro, stem cells, changing genes to get the sex of baby, seminate the egg at the correct time, removing chromosone X and insert XY instead. blahblah, is tat the transformation we have to adopt? using more destructive methods to counterattack the already destructive ones?
gosh.
okie i need to go bed. i dunno wat i am toking abt... i need to sleep
from something close to heart, i have spun an essay out of it.
i suck at this actually
watever.
i tok too much remmeber?
so i ramble online.
yeah.
so, SUE ME!
BLEAH
12:12 AM |
|
Sunday, January 01, 2006
HAPPY 2006!!!!
may all wishes come true.
wish that every1 is fine and all
and this world will bear more peace, more love, more babies!
hehehehe...
just got back from a very short count down with just 3 girls.
1 is sab, the other is jean and her fren val.
short but nice.
just like the fireworks at the esplanade.
it has been a very interesting 2005.
i was in my most depressive mood/hectic monotonous life of projects and nothing else, to my graduation trip in june right in USA where i have travelled at least 5 states, to now, working, and yeah, just a green horn.
maybe i have grown a little wiser, a little happier, a litte more hopeful, and i wish, not with much great expectations tat i can grow more and learn to be less emotional.
and this is the day, when i started to feel somethings:
1) career: hahaha...not much of it and i am taking it as a learning path, a long long way to go, but i need to be slow and steady. i have to prove a pt, my style, which i am formulating along the ways. make way pple, i am craving a path. have to make pple to respect me, while i am respecting others. hope this is important.
2) family: hrmm, i dunno much about this. i wish i could give more to the younger ones. not abt the toys or anything, but the time and efforts. but somehow at this age, it seems hard to communicate with him. i need time. also with parents and sisters, hrmm...i wonder.. sometimes i feel i am pretty hard on myself. i tend to think too much coz i care too much, and i expect too much. i have to eliminate the nagging feeling of "my family doesnt like me for being who i am as much as i thot they would"
it sucks hur to think such way. i dunno abt it, and i dunno where to start to think abt it. sigh, i am keeping an open mind. i am just adjusting a phase of life and i wish i am given more space and time. i cant grow up overnite, but i still love you.
3) friends: i have known frens for 10 years (for a few) some coming 10 yrs, some going long and strong. it is comforting there are frens who stood by me when i feel lost, lonely and depressed. not to mention my cousin too.
comparing with frens and family, i guess, staying some1 for too long, make things really tough to go, especially with a person like me who is so sensitive and talkative hur.
4) myself: most important point i guess. forever seeking a direction, a purpose. forever seeking for inner peace and harmony. whilst listening to nice jazz music, i remembered the days of peace i had. somehow i believe, they are always in there. i just have to release them. i love pple. but sometimes, i dunno how to deal with them, just like they would not know how to deal with me. it will pass. nothing will stop at me i guess. i just have to be more open minded than ever. i dun want to coop myself up in the square room, with no doors and windows. just got to learn to tok less, comment less and cry less. it is always harder to change your habits when u r older, but i am sure it can be done. i just have to keep in mind.
i just want to be happy alone. really, it matters alot to me, and i know how much i will cherish.
5) love: i shall not do onto others what others have done onto me, and they meant those the bad things (subjective) coz i always remind myself, to thank heavens for sending pple and things which put me in unfavourable spots, and pushing me forth to get over them. maybe even walk thru them as though they never existed. there are always the beauty and the fury to a thing, even nature, thus humans. i love humans.
and i intend to love myself more and more, regardless how others may see me, how i would always put myself down for being more useless, i shall not do unto myself wat others have done onto me. i will criticise myself in a positive light. it is for the betterment, not for the tears, for the heartache. this is so, cos i love myself. i cherish the moments i spend alive on this earth. i do.
as come to bgr, though how much i do not wish to think of it, hahaha...suddenly i felt that it is around. he is around, and he exists. sounds like savage garden's i think i knew you. i dunno him, i dunno where he is, he could be somewhere ard the corner or half the globe far from me, but i can sense him, feel him. haha...i do...weirdly, maybe just tonight hur... haha...watever it is, i guess, this is something i do not wish to deal with most.
6) passions: piano and dance/swimming. i have stopped piano for some time and i have told myself to pick it up once more. really i do. i wish i could take part in dance competitions. i think i am ready. i am only praying/preying for a suitable partner.
time to get my limbs down to swim too. and slowly i will earn the cash to go for a long trip once again. i would love to do it.
7) the future: i have decided to read more and find out what will suit me best. i will want to settle 2 issues, possible future career and investment. i need cash if i ever want to pursue a higher education. i projected if i am able to keep up the good work, i can actually repay dad back in 4 years with SGD 24k. ahh.
okie la...if nothing happens in the next 3yrs +. no more special turning pt at 28.
too broke still...i need more time! hahaa..30 then...(6 more years!!! GASP!)
the year of dog is coming...and i am turning 24!!!!!! my god.
and there we were gasping while walking at b1 of taka. (consisting of me ellen and chris.) haha..no achievement, no money (for me only, the other 2 are just rich girls) no man (they commented on that, not me) haha
amusing.
allright... that's all...my past, my present and my possible future!
i just want to control more, be more open minded and luff more.
life only gets better!
good bye 2005 and hello 2006!
maybe things be taken as challenges and dreams will come true!
stay true and happy FRENS!
and may peace be in fellow humans!
( crap, dun i sound like some crappy miss watever, trying to answer "WORLD PEACE".. hahahahaha)
3:02 AM |
|
|
|
