Tuesday, February 28, 2006
so sian
and i realised, my pms is about to bring me to my own death bed.
i think, it is time to find something tat can supress those hormones.
really, i fear one day, i will really go and bang my head against the wall
argh...going off to dance now...
8:01 PM |
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Sunday, February 26, 2006
can i actually be with some1 who loves me? yet i dun feel much?
and can i actually, turn gay just because i have no man and be emotionally attached to a woman?
can i forget a love i thot i could have?
i wonder
i dun wish to marry a closet gay, it's way tooooooo sad
and u wonder if he actually loves u?
but i realised i dun have to worry about it now!
hahaha.. no man after me to make me worry on that!
hahaha.
i love my purple necklace
i need a yellow ring
i want to ward off evil at the office!!!!!
i miss u alot leh.
how?
u tell me wat to do?
sigh.
i have a weird dream
actually, i had 2 weird dreams.
it is so harsh on me, that i woke up, and feel sad
really sad
it is like something tat i am so addicted, suddenly, leave me, and never never comes back.
how am i to deal with this loss?
and y do i cant live without it?
i should be able to forgo its presence, but apparently i am not.
sometimes, i really hate myself for tat.
1:40 AM |
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
i think i am really going to jump one day, if this goes on.
everytime i have PMS, i get really depressed.
really depressed.
does anyone experience such issue?
it seems that everytime i get depressed, i feel no 1 understands and no i actually wants to listen.
because i am too bitchy?
but others are bitchy too. yet i cant be bitchy.
when i am depressed, which is for a week, i just lament and lament.
yet i cant be myself
it is WRONG being who i am, bitching.
i am bitching again right?
i find tat i just have to swallow everything again.
swallow.
gulp
want to lament, gulp!
start to lament, slap!
12:12 AM |
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
give me a chance, once more,
to trust u again.
give me another heart, once more,
to love u again.
give me a time, once more,
to relive it again.
12:19 AM |
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Monday, February 20, 2006
maybe i think love, those i cant live without u love does exist
does it?
can i love in such a way, i knew, i will love and sacrifice?
the ending to sex and the city got me thinking.
i cant leave without some pple, they are so precious to me
yet i have to let some pple go.
the funny thing is,
sometimes when u love them too much, u have to let them go.
queer
12:19 AM |
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Sunday, February 12, 2006
i miss my baby....hhahaha
YEH...it's you alwyn tan! tis is becos i have felt something so strong and
tell u wat, after your projects/ exams, i will, regardless of how your parents will view me, i will bunk over for a movie. hrmm....hahaha..things like this, i actually cant be bothered when i was younger..or would i? the stupid things u do wiht your good frens....hrmmmmm.....
anyhow, here i am thinking of something after watching sex n the city
y do i have some1 i am totally attracted to, hrmm.. as i will always tell jo,
the "i have fallen in love with PM" which is a completely lunatic idea to start with.
i admit, i am completely attracted to this leo.
he's tall, kind of good looking and very hrmm...would say, with things to say.
he and i will always, if i ever take the bus, tell me anything and everything of his working day.
ah.
yeah and we work closely together, just like my eye candy.
and i even, think of his arms, wrapping ard me.
yesh...i have fantasised about the PM.
and throw my head to the wall.
as i have already mentioned, the "i have fallen in love with PM" seems just weird.
i refused, and i repeat, i refuse to let myelf really fall in love wiht him
i am falling in love wiht a feeling, as i loosely quote myself.
he's 30, and yeah, the men i am getting myself invovled are getting older and older.
but it is this mental thingy that evolves ard me and him.
and i cant take it anymore.
he is so refreshingly different.
he knows his work, he knows how to work ard it and he is really good at it.
and he is, i would say, getting married.
and now, seriously, throw me to the wall.
this "i have fallen in love with PM" just has to come into my life, and set me to focus on my work more.
yesh God, i get your point. dun stray and stay focused....i get your point completely!
but dun send some1 like him!!!!!
but i do admire myself alot. i work with him in almost every single project i pass down. just almost like my eye candy. and i stil can stay focused, and nothing but work.
and damn, dun i just hate my job?
oh well...at lesat now i have some1 on the 1st level and 2nd level to make myself happy/upset if i ever want to.
for your info, i am on 3rd, the "i have fallen in love wiht PM" is on 2nd and eye candy is on first.
and sometimes, life just has to make fun of u. poking u with tons of silly things.
just as u dun wish, or dun even think about it, or u know, dun try too hard, eye cnady just pops and sits right behind u, back facing back, with me poking fun of him being fat, coz i cun get out of my chair.
life.
when it comes, it usu comes more than one.
and it sometimes is more than a couple.
and further more, with men, the mroe u ignore them, the more they are attracted to you.
bingo.
they naturally, just want your attention. and tat could be just my intention.
*wink*.
damn, am i just crazy or wat?
i dun wish jo to quote the same thing back at me.
"u need a serious bf or a good old fling, outside the office"
coz seriously babe, we dun. we just need LOVE... hahahaha...
yeah..happy valentine's in advance.
3:26 AM |
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Monday, February 06, 2006
just went out with stephie dearie
haha...
and we were just like walking, cahtting, eating and drinking
okie.
we were trying to save some money
but sheesh..
somehow, there i was on the train, focusing on my book and jazz music,
i cant help but noticed, the whole car full of indians.
really
where to find the men?
hahaha...and there were we, sitting outside borders at coffee bean, alfresco style,
we saw men walking past.
typical singaporean men i suppose, n we felt alittle disappointed.
dunno, and all i know is i am going to catch mad about ballroom!
hahaha
hrmm...feeling alittle more focus and encouraging myself everyday, like complimenting myself on getting out of bed, to cousin's house to soak (rather than swim but the fact i have made it to her house has indeed become an achievement) and chit chatted with her. promise to go shopping together! maybe we will hunt for bobbi brown makeup heh. also, encouraing myself tat i am staying focused at work and life.
taking life alittle slower and enjoying the private time i have now.
though it is bed time, i am just doing things i wish to do.
then i was thinking about, r/s.
then it hit me again.
a bgr is a bonus, without it, life is the same as i have thot it to be.
then i realised, how interesting, that i have avoided many "matchmaking" sessions and even, completely ignoring stranger's approaches.
tat's me.
sue me. ha
becoz, if i feel u r the guy, u will be. dun try too hard to impress me.
i can sense and feel.
so if u r the guy, u will be.
when i am in love, i am, and i will know when to follow my heart.
so dun have to try too hard la.
i am jsut like a mountain, and if u can move me, u r something special in my eyes.
get it?
if not, hahaha..hrmm..
anyhow, i am so crazy about resume writing and trying to find means to find out more about investments.
time to sit infront of computer to surf! broadband is coming!!!!
and getting a new hp and signing up singtel!!! i have cheap rates!yippeeeeee....
but i will still retain my M1 line. any1 still can reach me la.
=o)
12:47 AM |
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Sunday, February 05, 2006
there i was watching the 5th season of sex and the city
it was again on the issue of old maids, spinsters and yeah, y are men always branded the bachelors and playboys?
time might have changed, and pple are indeed as capricious as the weather now but have we started to learn to stop believing?
it is like carrie who were only betting on her gal frens when she started to turn cynical about relationships and marriages, or even a male companion (who u love) to come and appear and tada! u get hitched!
it is like wat i have thot when i was sec school, that i knew if the singles club were to last, how are we to pull it through when every1 else might start to get off the road and stop at a homely destination?
do pple realy change in their opinions?
have pple learnt only to be more pessimistic than optimistic?
are we losing the sense of hope to anything and everything?
life is a gamble.
you have to take risk to know if it was worth it.
but even u have gambled and risked it, wat's left?
or maybe, optimistically, wat's next?
fear?
citing an example, i have never thot i would not have fear over small things.
i was taking mrt and was on my way on the gantry, tapping my card over the sensor, just walking through, and to my little expectation, the gates closed on me!
ouch! and it hurt alot.
then again, i have always this fear of having the gate closing on my legs.
i would shudder when ever i tap my card and walk through the gantry.
it struck me one day. just one bad experience that lasted for 2 seconds, has its scars in me for months.
is that wat life is all about?
gamble, risking, losing, fearing.
or gamble risking losing and gamble once again?
it is just like a pill.
or rather, the fear of getting hooked to a pill
any kind of medicine?
has the potion tat eradicated the fear becomes extinct?
does that mean that we do not want to step out further anymore after we have risked some?
i dunno.
really.
it was only 3 days ago, i thot to myself that i din want to post any more entries to this blog. i would rather had my post else where where no on really knows me.
it doesnt really matter that if my frens even bother to log in and read.
but i realised, that frens logging in to read my blog has mattered to me so much, that i felt hurt and feared that in the end, no frens even bothered to read.
and today, i told myself. if u r posting just because u r writing your thots, there is no fear of no 1 is reading.
ur aim of blogging, is to put your thots down, and whether there's pple reading them, tat's another matter. it has nothing to do with putting thots down?
and again, i might be just lying to myself and through my teeth.
my heart and mind might beg to differ.
so is there any mroe chance to believe and believe that though nothing is perfect, but things can be still beautiful?
have i started to become so cynical about life and pple around me that i ahve started to shut myself up frantically, to remove any pain i THOT will penetrate?
i think those pains, are self inflicting, and not induced.
how pathetic.
on a sat afternoon, sitting at my working desk at work, i felt a very strong sense of focus and strength from nowhere, and started to finish my work bit by bit.
though i know i might be frantically trying to complete everything on monday by 1pm, i jsut tell myself, it doesnt matter how much u will drive urself crazy on monday,
wat's important is, doing wat you can finish and do it well NOW!
tat matters the most.
it is the now i ahve to see, and spend that effort thinking on how to solve the situation rahter than wasting tat time and brain cells worrying over something that u cant worry about, or you have inflicted to happen!
it drove me further, and tougher.
it drove me really high.
really high.
i might not be really crazy about work and is starting to read about resume writing.
though i know there's so much to life, i felt, there's always time for everything.
and i have to make time for everything. and in the context, everyhting refers to things that matter to me now and how it will matter ot me in the future.
but as for the current situation, i will rather think of wat really matters to me now.
we cant be forever youthful, but we can be forever beautiful.
it isnt about the superficial beauty like how that guy would put it through the sms to me, trying so hard to get me to meet his eligible 30 year old colleague,
it is the beauty that i am emitting that i wish pple wold see.
but i am no longer hoping for such appreciation, it is mroe like wat matters to me now is i am learning to let it pass and no longer "me" me
it is time like this, you chill.
it is time like this, you will always start telling your fren "hey, i think u r thinking too much and it is time you should sleep"
yeah, and maybe i am going to do the same to myself w/o any1 telling me or reminding me or shooing me to bed.
however, i am just stepping ahead b4 any1, including myself, to learn to appreciate.
appreciate the time i have sitting and writing. sitting amd watching tv.
sitting and reading how to write an extraordinary ad about yourself.
time is already ticking past me.
and one thing i have found out,
i am never fearing to tell pple my age, my weight.
thoguh i am only turning 24, and no matter how much i "drag" knowing the fact i am turning 24, i am indeed 24. i only care wat i can make to make best use of my 24.
it is good tat i lament turning 24 without any success in anything in life.
coz i am getting sick of my lamentation and beginning to do something out of it.
if i never start to believe, if i never start to hope and i never start to gamble and risk, if i never start to step out and feel the love, i will always spend the time whining, and whining and whining, and get fat and plain stupid.
good nite my frens for who u r under the star lit sky.
as always, see u once again when the sun rises.
12:28 AM |
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Friday, February 03, 2006
farewell my fren.
i do hate myself.
12:46 AM |
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