Thursday, March 30, 2006
hiankai!
thanks for the email!
i appreciated your thots and yeh, thanks for caring and bothering to think through things. apologies accepted and my apologies too!
hope to see u in june!
haha..i am feeling very happy.
think about it, dear hian kai actually cares alot too!
frenships like these are wat i called, able to stand the test of time.
thanks for proving it right with me. =o)
i wanted to blog something really funny.
but i dunno if it is okay
today alvin made me discover something like which also coupled by the book i am reading now by james frey, a million pieces
accepting who u r, no matter wat u r, is the first step to a beginning.
alvin said i am grumpy, then i went y? anything wrong? i am just feeling very vexed.
then he went "no, nothing wrong being grumpy, u r just grumpy"
i started to shut up.
i know i am whining a lot, and i do tat once in a while, but i never realise tat's considered grumpiness.
then i remembered wat alwyn said a yr bakc i think, he said the exact same words.
so does tat mean i am a grumpy person?
i dunno, so i tok to a fren, i asked, if that's a bad thing, like a bad point.
and i started to list the things pple have pointed out
1) stubborn (this is something i have already accepted since my birth)
2) oversensitive (half the time)
3) talkative (this is something well, when i am excited over something...but i do have my silent moments lor......but oh well.i have lived with it since 1 month old)
4) over inquisitive
5) prideful
6) grumpy which is the new addition..
of coz i do have a hell lots of bad points...cant think off hand now
then i started to think, i NEVER think so much till pple say something abt me.
whether good or bad. it is just being me, most of the time.
maybe being a libra is always being on the extremes and trying so hard to strike a balance.
i dunno, i have accepted of who i am, all the time, esp when i am alone.
now i am RELEARNING to accept who i am when in front of others.
yeah and u would say, being u is just being u. wat's with the being alone and with others??
remember, i am oversensitive.
hahaha..
dunno. i guess my heart seems a little calmer.
i din cry over the fact that i have sooooo many bad pts (or i thot they were, since alvin and alwyn din say it is bad?)
i just taken it and stared and then kept quiet.
i used not to think so much of wat pple have to say abt me
i am just me! take it or leave it.
but now, i am taking a softer approach, which means i also get hurt at times.
but oh well.
live and let live.
i think, i will be able to stand tall.
i am just doing what i am doing right?
all is good to me, as long as i have a clear conscience.
tat's all i believe now.
i am a little encouraged at work for at least, i have begun to understand my tray hydraulics alot more and willing to ask more questions...
at least i am doing my job.
and i miss choonie..
11:45 PM |
|
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
i am so tired.
i dunno what is my dream now?
i find myself lost.
maybe it is just the time of the month.
i am trying to find out who i am, what i can do, what i cant do.
is there anything in this world that i can do?
is there anything in this world that i can fight for?
i am fighting myself, the goddamn irritating feeling.
i cant shake it off.
i am off to read my book.
i shall go make more friends.
i will.
i will just plan the same things i have.
i will believe in what i have to do first.
life is a way of habit, then a life of style, then just life.
11:08 PM |
|
a quiet time has passed.
a time to think has arrived.
i have been dormant for too long
i dunno if i actually loves my job, i would just say,
i am just doing my job.
i need a passion that brings me to realise this is MY life.
and now, circumstances have pushed me, and i shall find MY life.
12:02 AM |
|
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
i am pretty upset.
though i have anticipated this would happen,
i am really upset.
i am barely into 2 months of dancing partnership with my cousin, and we might just have to separate ways.
coz of personal reason
i am already trying to be nice, and all i said was though i know it is hard, but all i want to state my stand is, i would like to compete ONCE in august and u can break the partnership all u want.
coz this is the chance i can ever have?
and it is a dream.
i dun wish to fly all the way out of singapore, just to fulfil a dream.
maybe i have to..
i guess i am jsut upset
i have guessed it, but never knew it would come so soon.
oh well.
tough luck
i feel like a bloody third party all the time... y?
and oh well..ignore wat i am saying, coz i am just lamenting and rambling.
i just need to fucking bitch about it.
aarrgghh..
my day just gets worse every min.
but never mind, i still have frens ard.
y does it seem to always take a miracle for me?
never mind.
que sera sera, whatever will be will be.
there's just so much for us to see.
12:56 AM |
|
Monday, March 06, 2006
haha..have a gf who is planning to travel usa!
then she kept asking questions.
suddenly i realised, i was in usa almost 1 yr ago
time really flies!
it is already march!!!
i cant even remember wat i did then.
just then, she was aksing how i felt and did when i was in usa.
was i scared, trying to avoid those dark areas, black areas blahblah.
then i suddenly remembered one of those days when i was feeling utterly sad, hurt and on top of all, scared.
yeah. i felt fear so much, tat i actually remembered everything tat happened.
i cant remember the exact name, but i remebered the sequence of events tat i will never forget.
this is because, this is one of the very few times, when i was so tired because i had 2 sleepless nites and all, and i was all alone, in a town i have never heard, never been b4,
without any cellphone nor instantaneous contact to frens/ blahblah, that i felt fear overtaking me.
i was on my way to Illnois, chicago via the greyhound. lijie drove me to the nearest bus station ard purdue, and then, i was totally tired, about to crash in the middle of the day.
then i boarded the bus.
it was almost packed.
and almost packed with big blacks. they were really tall and big!!
i sat beside a white lady, who seems to be studying for her exams to becoming a teacher...i was so tired and i was two hours away from chicago.
it was hard to rest.
at first, they were leaning back, so i was squashed up, and i felt they were like looking at me...so i ignore. and reminded myself, i am not hot enuff for them. which is true. i aint tat hot, to them
i was trying to relax.
it was horrible, i couldnt really sleep.
then finally, we hit the highway and there started to have a jam!
okie, which means we were indeed approaching chicago.
i forced myself to stay awake.
but it took us another 45 mins b4 reaching my dear old chicago.
but tat wasnt the end.
by then, i was hungry, very tired and very exhausted.
all i wanted was a hot bowl of soup (not chicken noodle or italian vege please!!) and a warm bed.
i started to roam the greyhound station and trying to find the amtrak!
yeah. i had to take train up north to meet up with steph and hian kai (also phyllis)
it was almost another 1.5 hrs train ride up.
i was getting super tired, and i kept dozing off on the train. but i cun really sleep, fearing i will miss the stop then my hot bowl of soup and my warm bed!
i was already 7pm.
i finally reached my destination and guess wat,
using the pathetic phone card i have, i called hiankai cell
i told them where i was and tol dthem to pick me up. and all i got was,
"orh, there must be some communication breakdown, you have gotten off the wrong station!"
SHIT!
wat? they told me that stop. it was some lake place.
i was getting panicky
it was getting late, and tat was just random stop, no 1 is ard except for a few cars (coz it was already time to knock off, pple were already driving home from the station).
"then wat!?"
"give me a min, i'll tok to phyllis"
fine, i got off the wrong stop, so am i to board the train again, buy another tic to get on?
"well, okie...tell u, we will go for dinner first, as we have already set off to chinatown, we will pick you up at that station after tat"
"wat?! how long will you guys take? it is getting dark? and i have no idea wher ei am"
"well, since we were on our way out, thinking could pick u up but u are kinda far from us now, so i guess we settle dinner first. go and hunt some food first, we will be there as soon as possible"
my heart stopped.
i was too far away and you were already on your way to have dinner?
god. i am in this stranger place, with nothing but a stupid haversack, and dunno if there is even food, and already dragging a pair of tired feet and a half shut mind, you are telling me to wait till your dinner is done!?
"call us in 1.5 hours time. we will then try to find our way to find u"
fuck...they will try to find their way to me! find their way, how comforting
then, i almost wanted to faint.
i could feel my eyes welling.
i was feeling cold, i was standing in the wind, at the station, making a call with a phonecard which value is depleting badly.
i could do nothing but agreed.
i started to feel so tired, and very very upset.
and suddenly, as the sky darkened, i feel so scared.
i was alone, my frens are happily having dinner elsewhere, while i felt i was stranded on an isolated island.
yeah, i was so tired.
then i decided to call lijie to tell him i have reached my "destination"
and guess what, i have gotten another cold conversation
"orh, so you are there safe"
"yeah, but they cant pick me up until like 2 ohurs later!!! and i dun even know where i am! and they said i alighted the wrong stop!"
"okie, then wait for them to pick you up. what do u expect me to do? you are there already, and safe"
fucked up even more, i have gotten antoher cold pail of water pouring over my already cold body. i am safe? i am bloody alone, and i dun even know wher ei am, and all i got is such cold words from another fren!?
then, i was so hurt, upset, hungry and most of all the mixed emotions, i felt so scared.
i really felt scared.
my frens, din seem to give a shit about where i am, or how i am.
i was bloody tired, and all i got from my frens were "orh, just fend for yourself" kind of attitude and tone.
i slammed down my phone muttering a fine and good bye.
i have looked at the time, it was turning cold, and it was already dark. yes.
it was then i felt so alone, but i told myself, fine.
i will just fend for myself
and it got me pondering.
am i not supposed to feel fear, cant i feel scared?
am i always that all and mighty girl who SHOULD be TAKING CARE of HERSELF at all times?
cant i get even a word of comfort from frens and reassurance at all?
just words themselves will do the work, but no, i didnt feel any warmth, care and concern from my frens. i felt so cold.
i started to walk, trying to find a place to sit and eat and drink
i lost all my appetite.
lucky for me, there was a cafe just around the bend.
there, i actually had to force myself to eat, coz i know, if i dun, and just in case my frens cant find me at all for the nite, i would have nothing else to eat.
the place looks deserted.
it is a small residential town. so everywhere closes by 8.
i walked ard and got bac to the cafe.
i was so tired.
but all i knew was, at this lonely time, i felt nothing but a sense of disppointment.
a sense of lost and felt so hurt. and that was then i told myself, tat i have to depend on no1 for support and reassurance, but myself.
to hell with those frens.
i have decided, to make good use of the nice ambience i had sought at the cafe. i took out my chicago book and tuned to the jazz station i could find on my hp radio.
it worked! and i heard the dj toking abt the blues festival that i had been looking towards too. i felt a sense of hope. and i felt proud of myself to make all my way there to see and feel wat i have always wanted
who needs frens then?
i guess, i was so tired, and i was really angry with my cold hearted frens who thot of nothing but their food and their inability to help.
all i knew was, i just hhave to make the best out of wat i have
sadly, it was turning 9pm.
after making the last call i could make b4 my phonecard died on me, the cafe was about to close.
i started to walk ard. it was getting colder and quieter.
and i have decided to let God decide my fate. i just told god, i just pray nothing happens to me, and my mum will not have to see my corpse.
u think i was overly paranoid, but i guess i have to prepare for the worst and pray for the best.
i knew there was a petrol station so i knew if anything hhappens i just have to ask for some kind of motel direction and stay for the nite. they have no way they can contact me, and all i can do is sit and wait.
i have given them my location, the cafe near the train station.
i sat quiet outside the cafe, al fresco, wathcing the cars passing by.
i was lucky i was pretty well covered, as i was like hiding in the dark.
a nice chap came up and asked if i was all right, and all i did was smile back saying, my frens are picking me up.
i still feel really scared.
but i felt pple were frenly.
though i knew, he was a wanderer, homeless, cycling up and down the street.
i started to appreciate the serenity tat little town brought.
and all i did was stare into blank space.
i was too tired to think, and too tired.
by then, fear left me.
all was left, was a tired body, with a drained mind.
i started looking at the clock of my hp.
i told myself.
by 1am, as it turned 11pm. if phyllis and steph cun find me, i am jsut going to walk over to petrol station and ask for phonoecard and direction to a motel.
to hell with it, i just need a bed and a roof over my head.
i was so hungry as i din even finish my muffin.
as i saw the man who waved hi to me came back, it turn 1130pm
time din seem to like to fly then
all i did was started to count the number of white cars that drove past.
well i lost count.
just then, i saw a huge car pulled up, with my name being shouted.
stephanie.
ah.. so they have finally FOUND me.
watever.
i was too dazed and tired.
stephanie and phyllis started to fuss about me being out alone in the strange place for so long.
and all i could think was, i just want to sleep.
i barely tok.
i was just too tired.
by then, all i did was mutter a thanks to God, thanking him that my mum may still have a chance to see an alive huihui.
tat incident brought many things into light, and taught me alot of things.
i remembered how my mum din even bother to caht with me much while i was in usa, din seem to care, yet when she knew i was cold, all she did was tell my sister to inform me, "just buy those thicker clothes, dun worry about the cash, pay by credit card..."
and tat gave me warmth.
i guess, sometimes, you are really to fend for yourself.
no1, not even frens or family, can look out for you.
and then it was when i promised myself, at least share a word of encouragment and care and concern for those who feel scared when ever possible.
maybe, maybe those who seem strong din need it, but when they already have cried for help, at least give them a word of reassurance.
it helps to warm up the tired soul.
i realised, i like being alone, and i started to realise, how much expectations could bring about my strong disappointments. i learn tat, concern is not something we should expect, it is something we give all the time.
11:54 PM |
|
Sunday, March 05, 2006
free
(Corrinne May)
I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in desperate dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
I know I'm not alone in this
Help me believe
I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
It's still the same old story
This great divide
Between the want and waste
And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can I do to erase
All this misunderstanding
All this anarchy
Six degrees of separation
Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this
I need to believe
I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains
LET IT GO
Corrinne May
I think we've been here before
I recognize this place
I've seen the marks of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace
And I don't want to play anymore
Not when the stakes are so high
So before we circle round once more
I'm gonna lay down,
Lay down my pride
Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go
I turn on the TV
and it screams out at me
Nothing seems to have changed
since the start of Adam and Eve
So we're waiting for the sky to fall
and we're buying brand new toys
But before we circle round once more
Can we lay down
Just lay down this pride
Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go
Don't go wasting your emotions
No one wins if we keep score
Let it go, let it be
Let it go
these are my favs from the album. actually most of them are so fantastic.
i wish i could fly to LA right now to hear her live.
sometimes, u need some kind of soul music, music that sings to your soul, not just ur ears.
12:44 AM |
|
Friday, March 03, 2006
i pray that my dreams will not be lost.
i pray that i will keep sane
i pray that i will indeed be alive till i know it is time to go
i pray that i will love and open my heart again
i pray that i will just learn to let go
i pray that i am able to think straight when time arises
12:40 AM |
|
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
i really really dislike the way i am now, at this moment.
i am trying so hard to encourage myself not to be like this.
and i dunno wat's "like this" but it is getting me very upset, very upset
i keep telling myself, that the world doesnt have time to be against me.
it is i who am against the world and i dun want to be against the world
coz i am peace loving.
then i realised, i am having issues with myself.
i jsut wish i can walk out of this bad bad dream
i am trying to stop.
stop myself completely.
i am trying so hard to encourage myself
it is okie that i am like this, just improve lor.
but i duno y, i get brought down so easily.
i cant motivate myself anymore.
yet i am trying so hard to undo those "i cant" in negative sense and do those "i can" in positive sense.
i never really blame pple, unless i am bitching, coz i know deep down, pple, sometimes may be insensitive, but most of the time, they are harmless.
y can't i show the same kind of forgivness, on myself?
where is the "understand pple, understand urself" motto in my life?
where is the "u either fight it or let it go" spirit?
where is the "every1 doesnt mean harm, only you think too much" voice?
i must stop the "y do my worth seems worthless in front of others"
i must stop the "y cant i do something right"
there's nothing wrong with things and pple.
really. it is just you and your perception.
and there is nothing wrong with me.
and i will always bear that "you are your worst critic"
yesh i am. i am always a good/harsh critic, but i should never let that bring myself down, even others.
i will try my best not to.
i do not want to see myself, dead, by falling off the building.
life takes a long time to form, and thus, i shant end it within seconds
like wat maya says.
12:27 AM |
|
|
|
