Sunday, July 30, 2006
just give me one reason to believe and continue to hope.
11:45 PM |
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Saturday, July 29, 2006
y do things go on to be bad and bad and bad?
starting early in the morning, and i knew things are going to be rough
but i never knew, it was tat rough
right in the morning, i had to face nothing but critisism for something i havent even done. i was feeling the fatigue already straining on my body
1) presentation at 930am: while iwas just running through my slides hoping to see the flow make sense, my colleague saw it and all he did was "y are you putting those slides in and you shouldn do tat?! u r supposed to do just case studies?~!!"
all i was like, i am just introducing my compnay products and wat we can do before providing solutions. if i dun even know my products, how am i going to apply?
he continues to exclaim in front of every1 tat i shouldnt do tat?! even b4 i do my presentation. all i did was explain to him my point of view. and all he did was to say i am wrong.
i din mind critisims or even pointing out waht i should and should not do, but before i was even able to present to our refinery expert, or even to any1, i was slammed and crushed under some1's feet. wat did i do? i also dunno, and my confidence level went from a low, to negative. then i din mind being corrected by internal pple, i guess it is training, but not to the point that when i started to present, i din know wat i was doing. it was my first time presenting something i am not so sure. i dunno, when it all started, i was already dazed out. decided to do nothing but just shut up and listen and most imptly, not think
2) lunch time at 130pm: 2 other colleagues started to say how i tok to boss. then i went, fine, maybe sometimes i sounded too assertive, but i feel i need to get some points straight. never mind, they went on saying "he is your boss"
then went on saying, how i should not do this, do that, stop this and stop that.
i dazed even further. i kept quiet, sighing and decided tat that moment, i shant say anything but just face the computer and do my work. i went to the toilet and cry and cry and cry. then i became even more tired. so tired, that i wanted to take a half day off and go home and sleep. sleep my day away maybe i would not be so unlucky. but i din. i have work to do, things to finish. maybe i should have listened to my heart because more things happened
3) during 2pm-5pm: keeping quiet, trying to do some work, staring at the compueter, half dazed. my boss came up to me twice to ask if i am okay. and all i did was tell him, this job will be done, and this project will be done this way and i diverted all attention to nothing but facts and not how upsert i am. i do not want to let emtion get out of me. shoiwng it is something i cant help. but at least let me control my tears. do my work. look at no where but my work, act like i still can joke. alwyas suaning my brother that he doesnt like me and how he doesnt want me around.
4) town at 7pm: happily wanted to collect my latin dance dress so tat i can start sticking my crystals. they did their final touch and at 830pm, i have the biggest shock of my life. my latin dress was cut too short, tat it became so ugly
i was speechless, i was already 3/4 dazed, i was so upset, then tat moment, i felt numb. completely numbed. i din know how salvage it. the lady knew i was shocked, thot of something. and i accepted. i din want to think.
5) at dance studio at 9pm: all i wanted to do is to seek professional opinion on my dress and ensure nothing can go wrong fruther and save the situation. all they did was commented on how i should have go into aruging...into y i actually paid the full sum, should made her remake the dress for free, blahblahblah...and all i wanted to do is to salvage the dress with something different. arguing and ushing my luck, was out of my dictionary today. i decided to tok to my instructress, and with a fren standing besides me, and before my instructress could continue giving comments, my fren keep on blabbering blabbering (since 7pm when i met her at the seamtress...nonstop yakking about she and herself and her experiences, interrupting me every now and then, bygones) till my instructress when "fine, she is giving u alot of pointers, no need to ask me"
i dazed, and my fren realised and ran off, leaving me myself staring into blankspace
and thinking, y am i being punished for something i din not do? i did not ask for her opinion, i asked for ym instructress's opinion and i din ask her to tok, so y did my instructress walked out on me? when all i earnestly asked for was her opinion?
then i have decided to dropp by the shop tomolo again, (i will call the auntie and stop her from doing anything) after work. and tell her the simplest way to salvage it.
6)dancing at 1030pm: practicing with cousin was okay. i guess. till my fren came and asked us how to do the rumba walk. coz gave his opinion, i gave mine. i disagree with some parts he mentioned. yeh, again, i sounded assertive when i went "i dun think your hips need to go all the way back when moving forward" when i wanted to tok to my fren on my opinion, i cun have the cnahce till i saw my cousin letting her do and try, i just pointed out some of my opinion, then, he further corrected her by showing her, and i just thot one part was not correct, and then he suddenly stormed off, changed out, and walked out of the studio, without a single word. my fren apologised for 2 things she had done. and all i did was started to sit down and think, wat the fuck is wrong with today and me? and i was happily thinking it is just 2 months away from my bday!
from the point i woke up, till i stepped home in tears, with ephraim on the line praying for me, all i thot was i am so tired. i wish today never happened, or bad luck will be gone after i wake up tomolo.
i cun take it, and looking for some1 to tok, yet i found no 1. i have to let ephraim call me, and i thank my gor for listening to me, to all my woes, to all i have to face at work and at home, becuase he bothers to listen, and let me be who i am and giving me tat rare encouragement i needed. thanks gilbert for calling me too. din want to tell u much because u were out..but i appreciated it.
i so wish i dun not have to wear a mask.
i wish i have a shoulder to cry on and lean on.
i so wish the pple closer to me are the ones who let me be who i am, and stop making me think i am immature, i am a trouble maker. i am not, and i am not bad. and i know i am not perfect and i am just trying to be good.
sigh.
life goes on. i din bother to cry out loud, or scream at god.
for i am feeling so tired.
i dun even dare to hope tomolo will be better.
12:49 AM |
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006
suddenly i so wish i could continue to dance after the competition
by then i wont have any dance partner
i am aiming for grade A
i dunno why
i want to do all five dances, esp jive and samba!!!
sheesh
i am crazy.
i am so looking for a latin dance partner, who is willing to go all the way to grade
A!!!!!!!!!!
dunno.
sigh.
i must stay positive and have confidence and dance my heart out!
no need to win, but do my best!!!!
12:23 AM |
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Sunday, July 09, 2006
am i just going to fill up the loneliness with aloneness?
i breathe in an air full of pollen,
it tickles.
sitting alone in a row of cinema seats, pple flocked in slowly.
it is still empty
is it the heart, or is it just the empty seats to the wall?
taking the left of the escalator.
i wonder why the hand rail is always slower than the ascending.
9:52 PM |
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