for a world that doesnt exist
for a universe that stands still
contact:
relacon@gmail.com
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DAILY INSPIRATION:
this day, i pray
this day, i smile
this day, i wish u all the best!
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wat u want to abt me?
and why?
how much can u find out,
when i dun even know
who i am?
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Saturday, March 31, 2007
i am the absorber
and you are my stripper.
hahaha...thinking really hard and causing HS to luff till she squats on the floor hehehe.
i should have used REGENERATOR instead. hahaha
coz the story can go deeper heehee..."u inject life back into me by regeneratoring"
hahahahaha..
think i have caused HS to squat with me like more than 30 mins today? heehee.. paiseh leh!
bu thanks! hehehe...
just complaining to some1, how come pple's BGR are so complicated eh?
hahahaha. ESPECIALLY AT WORK?
really cant take it haha
so complicated one.
like then like
dun like then dun like
must pull here and there ah.
very confusing eh
wah lau
*simply ignoring now*
really worse than school days.
1:59 AM |
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Friday, March 30, 2007
hahaha
i think sometimes, it is interesting how i can allow myself to click with some pple
do you have certain defense wall towards certain pple because
1) you think he or she is a weird person. will step on u and try to kill
2) scare you provoke him or her that he or she will start to dislike u
3) u actually think u like him or her and fear u cant help falling in love thus u control
4) u simply think u cant click with the person
5) the person is too strong for you.
.
.
.
and the list goes on
i do that pretty often but doesnt mean i dun change my ideas or reaction to pple
as time goes by, i do see things and i will let go. just give me abit of time!!
i am feeling very happy and i dunno y.
i definitely din have enuff sleep!
went out dinner at 10pm last nite with 3 bosses, having some kind of kopitiam tok office.
i like listening to them it was fascinating. and they are not afraid to tok in front of me.
y? because they were not gossiping about anyone nor were they condemning some1 badly, but the direction was to give a comment and thot about some pple and most of the time, it was one at present who got all the "suaning" and guidance.
it ended at 130am.
i was in bed almost at 3am
i woke up at 7 am then have decided not to go to work on time and lay in bed till 830am, woke up, chit chat abit, dolled up coz i feel like it and then slowly strolled my way to work.
and i found out that the bosses who were out too, came later than me heeheehee..
my mum asked "how come u can go in so late?" i went, aiyah, not as if i do it all the time, i am most of the time on time and i could pamper once and go in at 930!!!!
muahaha and the heart was light, coz the feet were easy on walking.
drinking my tea, listening to my "POP! goes my heart!"
it is time like this, u know u are in touch with your inner soul and simply not working, tinking of pple who eat u, and pple u wanna kill
no.
not at all.
and i was on a high for the rest of the day.
it was also tonight which set me thinking in a different light.
i was chatting with my boss, on many things. i guess some things he said made me realise things about family, frens, work and most imptly, wat do u truly care about and how u do it.
awareness was the topic. and i think, it is this awareness that sets the difference between knowing and doing.
i will constantly remind myself 3 things i like about every1.
12:19 AM |
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Tuesday, March 27, 2007
i realised i cannot hang out with pple who makes me very uptight
it actually makes me a terrible person.
thou shall not succumb and shall stay away from such pple!!!!
i dun want to be a bad person.
we all just want to be nice!
hahaha when i look for my man, both of us should make each other better pple, if not i think tat's the saddest thing on earth
HOT DATE! heehee....
finally, dating with 3 men!!! woohoo...i am happy! hahaha..provided i can make my way there on monday!
Jo: u cant blame me, i havent hung out with cool pple for a long time. hahahahaahhaha
shan: i will try your program after i have reformated my lappie hahaha
naughty girl...read my blog while away for business trip! hehe i miss u terribly.
anyhow i am writing this blog to tell u i am going to have hot date and hahaha i would love to bring u along so i can show u! hahaha..cool bunch of pple...always toking nonsense and anything under the stars! hehehehe...then u can join the gang! erps. hahahaha.
9:52 PM |
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Monday, March 26, 2007
AT SEVENTEEN
By Janis Ian
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
/ C - / Dm - / G7 - / C - / :
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen
/ Eb - / Dm7 G7 / Cm7 Fm7 / /
/ Ab G7 / Cm7 Fm7 / Dm7 - G7 - /
A brown eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce said
Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich-relationed home-town queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company and haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you in
Dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen
To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen
i love this song. i fell in love with this song while working (feeling SUPER sian heehee w/o shan in front of me, w/o pk answering to my email). i was just trying to focus, listening to gold 90.5fm, and i heard this song.
it was beautiful! the music, was blues/bossa nova. it was very soothing in an uncanny way
but what struck me the most, is the lyrics. it was the words that caught my heart.
my legs were freezing cold and i felt really weak suddenly, this song, came as a temporary relief.
this is a fantastic poem. just by reading it, u can feel the sadness, the simple story.
but with the music, it was just one.
ahhhh ...damn it must listen to it and then play in on the piano....
Shan: if u r reading this, heh, tell me the website so i can d/l the song. this is so darn beautiful i am sure there are a few versions for this kind of song, thus i must d/l and listen to it one by one. i think there are a couple of singers for this too. sheesh!
jo: if u r reading this! hahaha wat happened when we were 17? dun give a damn about being the so called home coming queen? maybe not even some kind of best looking girl in orientation, but plain jane with a huge mind and heart, just having lots of fun, unrestricted! no...not the naughty way..BISH
i love those days! heehee...wait for me!!!! we shall relive those moments in europe!!! haha...
shall we?
9:23 PM |
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
this life
mid twenties you must say!
i barely felt it in my veins
so may events unfold everyday,
tell me how much i have to pay.
rain pierces through the sun rays
ah! what a beautiful sight.
harmonious antagonists,
maybe they are my answers to life
is that pasture over there greener and softer?
i gently ask.
the grass beneath me tickles
and i couldnt hold my giggles.
the joy ard the land, swept away
the love it airs, lay down there.
the sun sets down in the west,
so i can see shooting stars up ahead.
make a wish! or make it a 10
i ask for alittle too much,
my gifts suddenly seems too small,
maybe in this love, in this life.
11:49 PM |
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two nites of randomness, i have begun to believe certain things in life are really not within your control.
but i still believe, to look into the beautiful side of pple and tell yourself, they are beautiful
haha i try very hard to convince myself, but of coz, alittle belitting started to set in when i gauge myself.
i was reading something in my old post. and it struck something in me once again.
"your first impression of me leads u to believe i am so, but when u know i am not, it seems as though i get the blame for it. y?"
haha. never mind.
yesterday was out with my team mates and i started seeing many beautiful side of pple.
i dun wish to mention much about guys, coz somewhat i din really bother, but i saw something about the girls which are so beautiful. and no i am not lesbian. maybe it is the little me inside, starting to compare myself with the rest of the girls ard me, which is typical.
but i was thinking hahaha today while i met 2 more other girls, and hahaha saw many things.
and it was time like that i wish i have a big mirror infront of my eyes and i could see myself inside out.
after comparsion, it feels alittle weird.
i wonder if "interesting character" meant something good or bad, but it just felt wrong.
really wrong. i cringed at that word "interesting"
it is not of that word which is commonly used but it does have a bad meaning to it when used in many situations.
it is not tat i am not able to take criticism. bring it on la. but just feel weird when every1 seems alittle normal, and good, while comments on yourself turn out, rather, un affirmative.
hahah
a little me somewhere is sheding blood too. i guess heavens is continuing puishing me for things i have done and said to some pple.
but listening to the rain, thinking of my trip to europe, got me by and feeling alittle happier.
everything seems like a double edge sword, but it feels as though i got the pain more than others gaining from it.
but sitting on the sofa just now, nice and cold. hahaha
hugging the pillow, and the song "way back into love" came alive in my head.
and suddenly wanna hug some1 in bed and sleep while watching tv..
hahaha too much of this song is no good!
yeah! tomolo will be a GREAT SUNDAY!
dun care of watever shit i heard last last nite...
i like being alone for i dun judge myself much hehehehe!
1:42 AM |
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Thursday, March 22, 2007
today i have caught music and lyrics!
damn it hahaha i wanna write an english song ahahaha
shit just put a melody to it hahaha
way back into love
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need `em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
OhhhhhI've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end
hahaha i think the words in bold are so apt
really
"and if i ever open my heart again, i guess i am hoping you will be there for me in the end.
There are moments when I don't know if it's real, Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, Not just another negotiation"
i think thats exactly how i feel, really. hahah
HS/pk: yesh yesh, i will be nicer. i will not be prejudiced and yah yah, i will change.
11:54 PM |
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007
today was one of the days which has made me realise the depth of power and position fighting.
you can trust no one at work. you can always never find some1 who u can truly relate to about things. i dunno how much i can trust pple ard now. maybe i am sitll able to trust only a couple.
but i am thinkin of the worst
it is just tat u are sucked into this whirlpool of nonsense fighting, jostling of pwoer.
i dun get it at all lor. fuck it. seriously fuck it
does some1 who knows how to lick boss's boots a MATURE person?
can some1 actually enlighten me on that!?
does some1 who starts to pick on pple, show favouritism a good leader?!?
oh i forgot, he picked on the only couple of blacksheep so they will leave and he can form his perfect team issit?
to those who are my colleauges reading this, and if u ever read this and have decided to have any comments or backstab me in anywa, go ahead. and go to hell.
it hurts me, really badly when he had decided to pick me and put me down in front of every1.
i can bare with it, but i cun help but STARED at him when he did tat.
and i so badly wanted to say, go to hell and fuck off.
y?
coz if u want pple to get back to seat and continue the agm and end the break, u can GATHER EVERY1, and not pick on some1 and throw your fucking temper ard.
i can bear with that but i wont forget.
i will remember tat incident forever.
and sorry clarence, to u, it seems very tiring, but to me, it is painful, not becuase he dislikes me, go ahead, but y the rudeness of 1, at the expense of some1's innocence?
it gets me completely very unhappy and very upset. ebcause i am actually affected by the whole fucking situation.
yeah yeah, call me super ego, but i feel it is completely uncalled for.
so much of my bitching and watsoever. but i think, in this world, no matter how much u try to be hardowrking, work for a passion, strive for something u thot it s worth fighting for, u are definitely not going to be rewarded, just because u dunno how to bootlick. how bittersweet
thou shall not do wat others have done onto me.
if one day, i lead a team, i will NEVER NEVER disgrace them in front of every1 else.
y? cos there are many methods to it, and u just HAVE TO LEARN YOUR EQ RIGHT.
i thank god for not flaring up. though it has affected and shaken me badly the rest of the fucking day, and made me so upset, tat i actually sobbed in the fucking toilet, i still want to give thanks to heavens for making me a stronger person. i am fixing myself, my broken faith, and i will not bow down to evil and power. y? coz i work with a clear conscience. i am just fetching a fucking salary okay?
i will remember how i managed still not to control and i am fucking trying to have a poker face
i will constantly remind myself, that though i belong to a deck of cards, but i am always the joker.
u can use me in the game, but i am forever the joker. i can be anywhere i wanna be and i can be anything i wanna be.
and most of the time, i am never INVOLVED. WITHIN BUT NEVER INVOLVED.
12:52 AM |
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
it was a horrible morning
i was so angry pissed and stressed out by idiots in company that i couldnt take it
bleah!
then it was much better in the later of the day!
then i went grocery shopping with shan for tomolo's breakfast/ lunch/dinner! haahhaha
so fun!
so we are going to have ham, tuna/egg mayo, chesse, hotdog for oil and gas team mates! hehehe
so exciting!
this is fun leh
=oP
too bad...
LL cant enjoy it! hahahahaha
11:41 PM |
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Tuesday, March 13, 2007
it is queer.
i wish i have been able to dance better
i wish i have been given more time to deal with work!
i am just juggling with dance and work... and it is already killing me
i have no time to groom myself much
shit
hair is DAMN long but i refused to cut (also no time to cut) coz i iwll lose my curls
i like hehehehehe
shit la
i am damn tired
i cant even think wher ei wanna move too!
like
1) should i continue to dance -- have a fight with partner and somehow i think, all i can say is "just go back and think over what has happend the past 3 months b4 u decide that we clash in ideas"
2) work - how am i to love my job..i do. i love to do technical jobs but wah lau
so many things to do and have to deal with some idiot and his politics lor!!!
i wanna to die. though he is trying to cover up but hahaha..too late la...only becuase trying to save his own ass...no respect for such an asshole.
poor huishan has to deal with all the shit somehow.
i suddenly remembered those days i had exactly the same
the difference is, my boss stood by him and not me.
so where am i going?
i cant be a professional ballroom dancer..though i seriously wish to try till at least grade B!!!
but argh, partnership is like a pain in the ass or rather, in a relationship...u need to maintain with care and tact
you have to deal with pple's feeling. and i am ALREADY trying to be as sensitive, least comments as possible. am trying to STOP all critisims.
sigh... how come i feel like being so silly at times anyhow. forgetting how i truly feel.
i feel for others, who feel for me eh?
if this partnership is not going anywhere, i might jsut quit.
sigh
sigh
i was reading my past posts and i found out how much i have changed and how much i have tolerated with. and how much i have TRIED and STILL TRYING to listen, to help. esp at work!!!
i try to return favours, i try to pass it on.
i really did.
i tried to put myself in ppl'e shoes.
i actually know when pple are facing predicaments like me, i would try to give them comfort
i really am trying.
but sometimes, trying so hard, is such a painful and hideous task.
it gets u down and flat
it gest u feeling so stupid and silly
it gets you feeling like you might have not achieved anything at all.
all in a day's karma
how much is it worth?
i do like to lend a listening ear to pple
at least keep my mind off my problems hahahah
am i running away?
i wish i could just fly away now
and i mgiht have to go pakistan in may!!!
interesting! hahaha something to put on this year
support japan/pakistan/malayisa
hahahahahaha
how i hate to see tat.
BLEAH!
=oP
12:33 AM |
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Thursday, March 08, 2007
testing
bleah
9:20 PM |
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