relacon and wat's next?

2011-05-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

achieving a goal or dream feels good but when u have achieved it, life goes into a whirlpool as you have to look for another one.

always have desired to travel and work overseas and here i am, on the 4th yr (2nd yr was still in sg, maybe that doesnt count) doing a job i actually enjoy.

i am supposed to cast aside any small things that make this work seems undesirable. because i knwo how much i cherish this job as it was a job

1) i really enjoy

2) was a saviour 4 yrs back when i completely was lost in my previous appointment.

so wats the 3rd yr itch about?

mental health.

if you have a good job, u really like, u enjoy, and u do not drag urself to work when you wake up. and u r fulfiling ur dream!

so on the list that i have given myself a few years back,

a) overseas travel or appointment - checked

b) a fulfiling job which makes sense to me - checked

c) a reasonable boss - checked

d) possible advancement into management (project) - checked

and guess wat, i am not happy. because i realised my mental health is on the rocks.

maybe i am one of those who has a more weaker tolerance or a weaker mind. there was a report to say pple who are more cheerful (bubbly) tend to suffer from mental illness. and hell i am one of them.

as much as i have to all those checked, i am not happy. not becasue i am disappointed, nor doesnt know wat i have, not appreciative of what i have.

but i think, being away from home, hopping from a place to another, adjusting constantly to new pple, new culture, new environment, having a job that sometimes making home trips a gamble between gulit and sanity, facing four walls everything you reach home every nite, constantly trying to hard find something to make urself happy like oh the weather is cooling with flowers blooming,...oh yeah...we are going to this hotel for dinner which serves very decent SEasian food, finding things that make u alittle like home, making every move that u make in public safe because u r in a place where half the pple dun speak ur language and they stare, inability to lament to pple you want to lament to whenever you come home, not able to spend time listening to your mum nagging to you, making gestures of displeasure of the constant nagging, not coming home to dinner made ready, unable to head to town and meet frens who u feel randomly happy with even just listening to them bickering when they are adjusting to their married lives, playing with my niece and nephew and sometimes screaming at them for making too much noise...

dun tell me you want to go home on time, sometimes i think to myself, so wat if i go home one time from work here, wats there? it is only dinner, tv, book and sleep and i am back to office.

it is work in the day, loneliness at nite.

and thats mental health on the line.

remembered when jayce was here visiting, i actually really looked fwd to go home, because some1 is there. not just the usual cook your own dinner, watched some tv, played some ipod games and go sleep routine, but the fact is some1 is here.

the fact that some1 u know, u love, u care about is here with you, around u.

tats when i started to feel happy.

i dun care if you are disappointed or sorts, and i think i am no longer in the right mind to care. i guess it will reach another point where i will put my foot down and as they say, once u reach the tipping point, you will do something about it

i can feel it coming real soon.

2008-11-07T05:39:00.000+08:00

in truth, she discarded self to own expectations to meet make beliefs.
not meeting other expectations is a fallacy, maybe a conjured lie for reality escapism.

upon self autospy, the results show others could let her be, but she couldnt.
the verdict is thus simple and straight: she cant accept herself. she just cant
and assuming most people cant, because she used her personal yardstick which she slapped herself with, and called it theirs.
subsequently, hopping from one to another, hoping that just one other entity could accept her.
when all fails ultimately, she pushes the blame to others, and think it is then her calling to be an outcast.

how conveniently stroking and patting her own back, comforting that it is okay to be alone. the act of lying to herself that she can be herself only when as an island, virtually disables all emotional trust and belief. this act of betrayal to kind ppl who are willing to condone her actions drives a deeper rift in her.

2008-10-28T04:17:00.002+08:00

an ear, or a mouth

i am just so tired
fucking tired!!!!

yeah i am pmsing.
or rather it struck like the same time it came!

every1 is miserable
u tell urself that becuase u make urself better

hell true

2008-07-29T01:55:00.002+08:00

was talking about jo about some1 who din seem to appreciate what she had. and i realised she is that of age and she needed to be wakened up but seriously i dunno
some pple just are like this
but it shed some light into my thinking and no matter how old and how much u have gone through, sometimes, we just cant think straight at all

i think blaming is fine but to the extend of constant accusation of something which is definitely, not its entirety belongs to others only.
she has to bear some of e consequences whilst all along, every1 has to choice to choose. and ultimately she made her own choice. that is an definite undisputable fact.

What i find it frustrating is, after all her complaints, she failed to see all these. it is not my problem, seriously.
it is almost finding myself getting irrtated with myself when i complain over something for a period of time, intensively.

i find myself very angsty and it kept me away from thinking logically and making the best decision.
thats how i feel and irregardless of how the aftermath of the situation will be, she lacks the basic yet critical mind to self evaluate under the mircoscopic lens. maybe it hurts but thats how we grow.
the sheer action of tearing oneself apart and piecing it back again is excruciating and painstakingly slow.

i just guess or rather assume, if lamenting has becoming her character, it is only for her to lose out what is best for her (in my opinion, of course) and her lacking for self judgement.

she is a highly defensive lady who bears no point to listen even to herself.
she jumps to conclusions on things without constant reminder of what discerning is, within the realms of her controlled thinking, to believe or takes with a pinch of salt.

i agree, completely and soulfully, that no one has that fortune to feel for the true, simple happiness of having love, being loved and thought of if one just goes for monetary and materialistical happiness.

in pursuit of happiness, we tend to seek temporary comfort in things easily obtained. it is very inevitable for momentarily happiness swept as true happiness.

i felt that and i felt so empty afterwhich. hence i realised what is deemed like necessity turns out to be just pure superficial pleasure.

i rather be loved and cared for while i do the same for pple ard me. that brings alot of happiness because afterall, who are we if we never love and be loved.

2008-06-06T22:06:00.001+08:00

http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/loving-family-adopts-romanian-orphan/article54458.html

i actually teared, reading this story.

am i mad or wat!?

i will do something...

2008-06-06T02:34:00.003+08:00

now working but i just need to post this up.
haha...

food for thought and i must be pmsing to sound this fiery upset.
this is an email (exercpt with modifications) to HS...

low self esteem vs compassion

facts of cold, inhumane society can drown one into eternal ridicule.

how pple judge a women just because she is pretty and therefore assuming she only wants good looking pple and or rich pple to be around her.

has sincerity and thrill of seeking a higher level of consciousness from peers gone with the wind? has intellect gone wayward as much as money has driven this whole world into its own destruction???

where has compassion gone to when it is essential in daily, insignificant happenings, between just a human and a human?

does that only go to where castatrophies are and simply ignore the little yet crucial daily personal encouragement?

is beauty deemed only to sheer symmetrical, flawless face with the nose this high and skin that tender covered by nothing but miniature clothings??
or is it the 6 pacs and unquestionable tight muscles wanting to burst out of the dark toned wrapping means nothing but just pure sexual connection

i remembered this....

a few guy frens have mentioned this to me that low self esteem comes mostly because of physical flaws like too short or not good looking.

and they actually mentioned, well, i guess u will never know how it feels like to be in our shoes.

i am alittle puzzled and while still baffling over those words. i realised it is already mind intriguing that men place low self esteem in the plate of topics, with a girl

i have had my fair share of low self esteem. being branded as ugly duckling by someone close is something i have lived during childhood. so dun tell me i wont undersatnd because it aches till this day but i have lived with it and moved on.
i am who i want to be thus, this is just another episode for attaining higher consciousness

i remembered telling a few frens thess (be it girls or boys)

it is more than just looks that matter in any way! and i think u r just fine being who u r....because i think if one has a good char that makes his or her look endearing and sweet and beautiful in the beholders eyes...(seriously...tats wat i feel lor....no matter how much make up and how many branded goods u carry, if ur char sucks, u can go hell....esp when ur aura is BLACK....)

some frens actually looked at me in disbelief...so? if i am being attractive to men, does that mean i am superficial? dun use ur own yardstick to size me up!
also i am not lying through my teeth!!!!

at that point, i thot, if i am so superficial opr lying, i think most frens no need to be my frens.... hahahaha...but wat i love abt frens are, they are my frens!

and i am NEVER not proud to go out with guy frens who arent good looking or rich or watsoever...

further more, if some1, just that some1 ever judge u like becuase u r not good looking, and even claim u as UGLY... this u should walk away...u deserve better!!!!

if a girl dumps u for ur looks. good for u, coz u broke away from insincere girls!!! seriously! get a life!

if one day, i have a bf who is balding badly or wat, waht others will think (which i do not see it as a problem anyhow? i happy can liao)
they must be thinking that guy must be rich. because of how i look, pretty (mostly because of make up) dressed up? PK will claim oh..must believe it is zhen ai!

HA.

let me look forth with jeers and with a light heart, skipping myself into the sea of mockery.

how nice.

2008-04-09T22:58:00.001+08:00

the moment has come brightly shining,
the eyes are drowned in sorrow so dark,
no light can penetrate.

the moment has passed swiftly fast,
the eyes sense its departure so sharp,
no realisation can grow.

2008-03-27T16:53:00.000+08:00

Dear frens!!!!

i have set up another blog at
relaconswissed.blogspot.com
to attach all my swissland fun!

do drop by and give comments!!!!

i will still update this blog occasionally.

love ya.

2008-02-07T00:49:00.001+08:00

happy lunar new year!

i am flying to swissland for 1 year!!!!

so much mixed feelings about work and stuff.
but yeah it is good that i can go and explore new stuff!!!
i wish i can be learning alot of things!

maybe i also can find a swiss man!!! heeheee

wish me luck pple!

2008-01-19T04:00:00.000+08:00

hey there!

here i am, wanting to lament once again.
i guess, this is my best outlet without feeling guilty about anything and stuff.
so wish i can just stay away.

chatting with him made me realise, i am such a big failure
that's the only thing that kept hitting my head
i am a failure?
i have to admit i have lost a war
and i will admit that i have lost it
i will

2008-01-16T23:48:00.000+08:00

now do i realise, even doing overtime can be a habit
something you and your body, your mind can get used to

i am now, temporarily i hope, used to overtiming
and i am still doing work!

i just want to finish this accurately and fast.

i do need a new direction.

i do not want to feel tired over things over humans.
deep inside i feel it is so sad to be tired, to be giving up
but maybe i should give up.

all i am looking for now, is just slowly finding my way around.
really slowing down...

2007-12-04T13:07:00.000+08:00

3rd Oct 2007

The start of PMS, a vicious cycle of a month can't stop the fury boiling in my blood.
Interesting choice of words with a touch of humour, I wonder how much I can absorb.
Shrouded by fatigue and sizzling fury, I wonder if I ever pass.

Thoughts did nothing, the harps started to sing. A piece of peace came down my spine.
The opera singer started to start simply on the A and ended up almost two octaves higher.

Drowsiness has hit another high.

And the guilt sneaked on me and gave me a good scare. I am shivering with deeper fear and fury.

Are all the above self-inflicted? is all nothing but a sign of unwarranted emotion giving nothing but a demeaning, degrading, destructive breakdown of a single world whose desire is just to be one with the universe.

4th Oct 2007

The pain is drawing every single drop of my blood away from everywhere except my stomach. A small getaway seems so inviting, away from the noisy places. just listening to the nothing but waves. there are many things that I really wish I can hide from. if thou cant seek the companionship, thou seek only through the solace of the solitude. When seriousness is never invited, the silence becomes the special guest.
Finally, when the moment of humour found its way to the conversation, the intention is questioned with insanity. How sanely comforting!

2007-11-24T01:53:00.000+08:00

today is a day i actually doubted people
i actually think my friends are talking behind my back.

i actually think my friends are harbouring something and did things behind my back...

and i did that to 2 different sets of friends

thus deciding not meeting any1 was a good idea, after being stood up by random friends
i went out to get necessary stuff (and they are not mine!!!)
satisfying my craving and started to ponder about life.

bleah. i hate that. i want to be happy. so i told myself not to worry about the tomorrows and enjoy what i was doing. living the today consciously.

yeah, so i ate my food, drank my coffee, read my erotic book at borders, thinking to myself nothing but what i am doing.

and took the random bus home and overheard 2 girls' conversation. i think they are like 2 years younger than me, chatting about their failed relationships.
it was interesting. and they were just behind me, chatting all the way to clementi bus stop.

and all i could think was, it seems every1's life is so similar yet so far apart.
you wonder how much it takes to be in others' shoes, yet you could not be bothered becauase it is way too tiring

the converesation seems to be surrounding the phrase "are you being selfish"

and i asked myself, am i?

do i act selfish, be selfish?

do i act like every1 should give a shit about me, while i cant be bothered with people whom i am closest to?
am i such a person?

am i such a pest?

with a new perm hair, i tried to look different.
but my heart is the same

however, if you were to compare how my heart was 3 years back, i would have to say i have grown out of those sad, hopeless days.

there are indeed alot more to life than just doubting your friends (and i seriously blame the radical, heartless working world) randomly roaming the overcrowded with zealous christmas lighting chasers orchard road, trying to give urself a big pat to be able to shop alone while the crowd around you comprises nothing but couples, families and groups of friends. i was almost oblivious to them!. Sheesh!

maybe every move and every thought, gives a certain aim and aimlessness to your life.
however, you can't deny it exists and is written as part of your life story.

as i blew dry my hair with the fan while the air con is on, the caffine in me is wearing off.

sometimes i wonder, what if i bother to ask the guy i like out.
what happens?

what happens if i just throw the letter and leave the company
where will my life lead to if i just take any random job?

what if.

i care less now.

i have a few things that i have to take care of and i NEED to focus on those.

distractions will remain as distractions when i cant get what is to be done done.

maybe there are things that we truly need.
maybe just not now.

just not now.

but y not now?

2007-11-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

In the greens(while i was strolling in botanic gardens)

2 different worlds, 1 same heart
the green grass, red and yellow flowers
how they just fill your mind.
the cooler winds, the sticky arms
two different worlds
1 same heart

white joins green
maybe the horizon never parts
pple stroll the path
embrace the yearn of peace
2 different worlds
1 same heart

some jog the jog
others stop to watch
and most, sit to praise
praise the works
the pure beauty of mother nature
man-made landscape, out of the natural
2 different worlds
1 same heart

2 take flight,
chasing the seasons
across the vast
stop to rest, bathing in the lake.
maybe drifting past massive lands
maybe escaping the harsh.
2 different worlds
1 same heart

the hellos and the good byes
the love and the hate
the peace and the wars
found the happiness amidst turmoil
may just 2 different worlds
work on 1 same heart.

just sitting by the symphony lake, on the bench.
what welcomes me is the cloudy sky with a setting sun.
there were pple, family, lovers, dog owners just passing by.
some sat down and chit chat
some played frisbee.

above me was just birds spreading their wings.
and around the lake was just green.

very peaceful, and found the solace i found back in salzburg

i guess at 2 different worlds,
but if you can carry the same heart,
everything can be peaceful and beautiful.

hope you have enjoyed it.

2007-10-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

tell me how muhc it cost to get one so angry, i punched the door so hard, and i felt no pain

tell me how much it pains me suddenly to see his face, suddenly across the net.

it is so weird.

i want to throw the towel

it is so hard. i am jsut waiting for the pay out.
all u were asking, was alittle understanding and trying to know more.

when u see others learn so muhc more and allowed to be given the chance, u felt urself, falling behind more and more and more. and you cant do much. pple EXPECT u to know everyhting but in fact, u were never given the chance to learn, to even ask questions to know more.

u just din have it.

and all u did was ask. and u were given only looks, cold words

when u din knew anything, i still bothered to explain because i placed myself in ur shoes.

y did i bother to be so nice?
y did i bother to be so undersatnding?
who gives a fuck about me?

who did?

it hurts so badly in my heart that my clenched fist din hurt at all.
it hurts so badly that my chest was so ballooned up
it hurts so badly that my eyes were piercing pple's soul

it hurts so badly that i had no more strength to move.

2007-09-21T01:23:00.000+08:00

at this stage of life, i have begun to see interesting things unfolding
and started to begin to udnerstand the reality of life in another form

u learn really not to compare
u learn to be alot stronger and independent
u learn really hard not to care
u learn really hard to let go within seconds

u also learn that if things just do not make you feel comfortable, just dont do it.
maybe it may seem transient, but as long as you know u r not comfortbale just dont
do not gossip
do not spread news like it is wildfire and be self justified.
do not think u r right just because u want to gossip about something.

coz maybe the mouth is yours, and maybe the tougue just likes to wag,
but i think, we all need to learn to hold that tougue.

because i learn that what goes around, comes around.

maybe you do not seem to care, but you will when the future comes.

so learn it, hard.

2007-09-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

it has been 2 months since i came back from my trip.
the old living style of not too good sleep on week days and boring working days have hit me once again.

i am still sorting out my photos and creating them into stories. i might be taking a longer time than required, but at least i am doing it.

Reliving the days back in Europe, i enjoyed the sleep, the walks, the uncertainties. i live through everyday like i never knew i could survive.

sitting back in the office 5 days out of 7 in a week, sitting in a different position.
hoping that i can make a little difference for myself at work, i wonder wat wonders i could create or already created.

at least my boss should be happy that i am "doing fine" with my senior and my team!

At this stage, work reached a stagnant point. I have yet to start on marketing, and i am getting bored very easily and constantly seeking amusement from my colleagues.
i question myself what lies ahead in this mandane lifestyle and thinking if i am going to sit in this not so like rat race rat race.

talking about rats, i have watched ratatouille. and actually i am feeling it is a very good movie. personaly, i think it has overtaken finding nemo in my heart.

the story seems alittle out of this world, but it brought so much emotion and luffter and alittle relevation on things in life, which we can simply forget and lost ourselves in.

we simply forget that each of us is unique and we can make a change, if we make that choice of change.

we lose ourselves in constant comfort and beliefs which we never realised, there are many things in life which can be of a miracle and if you believe in what u are, you can be.

"not any1 can be an artist, but an artist can come from anywhere"

When Ego the food critic has found the taste of his mother's Ratatouille which was actually cooked by a rat, he has realised that nothing is impossible in this world.
life has taken such a drastic turn, and he never expects himself to compliment a rat for its cooking.

sometimes, no matter how much you try to plan something in life, to think you are making sense, maybe somewhere in this corner of this earth, you will find that little surprise which shakes you completely.

it reminded me that my strongest belief in my life is "under this huge blue sky, there is definitely a place for me somewhere"

and deep down in my heart, i knew where my place lies.
it is where my heart and soul brings me

i have yet to find it, and i will never stop searching.

sometimes i wonder, how mnay have failed for just one to succeed?
how many have to fall, for just one to stand so tall?

and how many have to be, for just one to be the best.

but after all this, does that matter so much? i guess only yourself will know.

maybe, the heart is lonely, seeking a kind of comfort somewhere.
but the heart aint lonely to seek what is temporary.

2007-07-29T14:56:00.000+08:00

i realised i am pretty strong. i could carry my nephew for more than 15 mins and i had to climb up and down, walking briskly!

hrmmmmm

2007-07-08T21:08:00.000+08:00

hi pple!

it has been a long time since i last blogged!!!
time really flies!

i am now back from my 1 month trip in europe and i have learnt so much so much from the trip.

seen things i have never thot so beautiful.
met new frens and pple that i never knew i could open to.

it is an amazing trip as i have to deal with some cities alone.
at first when i knew i had to do them alone, i was apprehensive and i was tellingmyself
i am in fear.
but as time goes by, with my family getting angry with it, i have decided to prove myself and give myself time to be with myself outside the comfort zone, singapore

and here i am sitting back home in sunny humid singapore, i dunno how much i have changed, but i cna tell u, this trip has taught me a few valuable lessons, which i will keep in heart and practice always.

when u r outside your comfort zone, you are forced to practice what u cant when u are in one.

i wonder if i can put everything down in a nut shell while deleting those not so great photos from my alsmot 3k collection over the month.
however, i have been writing and got tired of writing and ended my writing about only my feelings and seeing in Nice, France.

putting the cities i have been in the following order

1) Zurich/Winterthur, Switzerland, 10 june 2007
2) Innsbruck, Austria, 11-12 june 2007
3) Salzburg, Austria, 12-15 june 2007
4) Vienna (Wien), Austria 15 june 2007
5) Milan (with jo), Italy, 16-17 june 2007
6) Venice (Venezia, with jo), Italy, 17-19 june 2007
7) Florence (Firenza, with jo), Italy, 19-21 june 2007
8) Rome (Roma, with jo), Italy, 21-24 june 2007
9) Winterthur, Switzerland, 25 june 2007
10) Lucern (Luzern), Switzerland, 26 june 2007
11) Nice, France, 27-28 june 2007
12) Paris, France, 28-29 june 2007
13) London, UK, 29 june-1st july 2007
14) Zurich, Switzerland, 2-4 july 2007

ah. tat took some time for me.
hahaha. yeh, i have travelled mostly ard 5 countries, major cities. seemed little but i think it is a good starting point. and of course, has further inspired me to continue my travelling sometime in the future.

however, i would say, the languages i have been exposed are mainly Swiss german, german, italiano and french. amazing hur.
and i barely spoke them. Learnt the greetings and thank yous.

Christohper has his tag on msn qutoing from the movie, "the greatest conversation you'll ever known is one with a stranger"

and i really find it really true and fascinating.

throught the mouth of strangers, pple u meet on the streets, hostels, restaurants and trains, i find the most interesting part is to tok to them, wat they do, y r u there!

it adds alot of flavour to your trip.

it is even ebtter when u chat with the locals.
it amkes it so memorable, that even when u cant speak the language thus the breakdown of any form of communication, u just uses gestures! and most of the time, it ends off with the most beautiful smiles, with warmth and frenliness.

soemtimes, the surroundings, the nature beauty that comes from mother earth, makes nothing ebtter than just stiting down there, sit and listen.

when u r up in the mountains, alone, foggy, u heard nothing but just ur own breathing.
and ahead of you, just range of mountains. massive mountains. just in front of your eyes and under your feet. the feeling is, time stands still, just u and the mountains, and then u melt into their embrace, their serenity. at that instant, you feel your insigificance. they have lived thus longer than any1 has, yet they just sat there silently, watching your every breathing.
tat's when u know, the bigger things in life, just aint about you and only you.
the bigger things in life, arent just the bigger cars i drive and the bigger house i have, but the making the small you, as big as the mountains. and i am talking about your soul, your thoughts your actions.
not your possessions, not your LV bag or porsche (thouhg i admitted i indulged myself in a salvatore ferrgamo wallet and shoes) but u, being u there, naked, with nothing. and for the guys out there, i am fully clothed with a top, a cardigan and a wind breaker with a pair of jeans and sneakers. of coz, beneaht are my undergarments.

leaving the mountains after being the 1st on top tat day, u feel a sense of calm
u are calm. great, but hunger strikes you coz it was damn cold up there. hahaha.

and tat was my 2nd day of my trip, alone. feeling the same me, alittle worried still, but still in a good shape, excited.

moving around alone, looking for signs, and thank god pple do speak english.
jsut smile girl, as i remind myself.
usu pple take me as a local or watever. coz i am alone, and started to speak their language to me. smile and go, i dun understand. english?
heehee.

sometimes, it is hard for you to extend ur stay at more popular hostels.
however, i have learnt, do not worry till it happens. do not worry about things that are sometimes beyond your control.
learn to let go, enjoy the beautiful things and u will be happier.

and i truly learnt to practice it and applied tat.
got my stuff cleared in the room (notmy luggage) then was angry.
then later, found myself not point getting angry while chatting with a hongkong guy.
oh well.

also, i have found the very interesting y angmoh have good hot bod, they walked so much, they cycled so much! hahaha..amazing. i lsot alot too...due to insufficient nutrients hahaha...c'mon expensive sandwiches leh hahaha.

by the way, men in switzerland are pretty hot. italian men are the most charimatic and good looking lot. they may not be extremely good looking, but they have amazing charm and it grows with age.

hrmm
men.

hahahaha..

walking around europe, is like a place you want to fall in love.
where u wish u have some 1 there with u, falling in love together, crazily.

ahaha...yesh, europe has also make me want to fall in love randomly. no i din find a man in europe YET hahaha but i wish i could.

amazing place, though weather was capricious. the only bearable ones were in Venice (near the sea) and Nice, near the sea.

getting tired hahaha..
started out with conviction but i am getting tired.
and i only started editing the photos!!! deleting which means only deleting unwanted ones! hahaha.

i will continue on my adventures in europe and my strongest emotions felt.

but all in all,

i am indeed happier, freer and my colleague insisted i have grown up.
hahaha..but the child in me is growing bigger too!

things i have gained
1) age
2) frens
3) amazement (which u lose as u grow older)
4) travelling alone experiences
5) the dun worry the unwanted and unrequired
6) enjoy wat u have and appreciate your time.
7) weather in singapore is just not for al fresco unless right after the rain
8) myself

ciao!

2007-04-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

realised i have been blogging for the past one month! haha..
think it is because i havent been going for dance...

but i was thinking so much this whole month, recongising my feelings on many things.
even going ubin has set up a different aspects

and now i may think that heavens have sent me a message and it is time to do something about it.

1) work: it hasnt been a great year so far, besides changing to a boss i cna relate better to, and seriously it is interesting the amount i can tok with my boss.
however it is more than just, which i am capable of. i am thinking of exploring deeper and further in other things! shall pursue my dreams in 3 things which i think can tie hand in hand
a) market analysis
b) business development
c) maybe i wanna try MBA - human allocation and understanding!

hahaha can i work for management? coz i think they need to wake up.
muhahaha.

of coz i have also set my goals to slow my pace down even further and listen and read very much more. by reading up more market reports and analysis will assist me in my current situation and future.
2ndly, i will definitely do something about wat i call pple relationship.
the env i am in, seems alittle, i would call myself a little misfit.
coz somehow, hahaha i have become one of a kind, which somewat cant really fit in somewhere. maybe la. i am just not meant to be in it.
always remember wat alwyn tells me "just work, if it is so hard, just work. then they are just part of work" (something along this line!!!! cant rememebr the exact words!)
hahaha.
so thus, conclusion for my emotion aspenct at work
1) learn to take things in stride, listen and help.
2) heck about anything else which is NON of my business, eg, if this person does this and tat during work, tat's his or her problem unless the person comes and ask me for help.
3) emotionally detached. this is the hardest but i will do it by everyday reminding myself this phrase and breathe 5 times deeply! smile more into my mirror no matter how horrendoous i look sometimes without simple make up (dark rings are like settling in comfortably!) and i am definitely who i am, no matter how i THINK i might be so differently misfitting!
too bad u r not her hahaha.

2) romance: err, hahaha i think at this age, i have realised there is no longer such thing as crush like i could have when i was 18. it is very tiring, not worth it coz u know the guy will NEVER like u back. and seriously, wat;s the point of having a crush on some1 thinking u like that some1 when the some1 is liking some1 else! silly girl! no more crushes for sure and i am going to let myself be alittle stronger than that! till the guy wants to tell me he likes me, i wont bother to do anything
a) love is a bonus. and if u r the man, i think u and i are lucky pple.
b) i definitely would love to have a family., but again, it is hell about luck!
c) i have been through some stuff but i will learn that, i shall just be less emotional and let life flows through me.
4) i will just continue to love the world and its beautiful things!

3) life: nice paragraph from this horoscope thingy but i felt it wasnt really about the horoscope but something which presented itself worthy to be noted.
"dun not let your past dictate your future. they do not seem as much worth as you think they are in shaping your future"

nice. in the past, i believe in my past shaping my future. but now i think, the past is just a time it passed and u lived and u learnt and unlearn. and it is only the current decisions and future reactions determines my future.
maybe soemtimes i am always holding onto my promises i have for my dear frens (which i still do) i will make them come true of coz. but i am thinking deeper into things like the mistakes i have done are just a reminder, and yes i have the tendency to commit them again, but i am aware, with different set of attitudes and stronger capabilities, i will be going strong.

hahahah
happy girl now..was feeling moody but yah think if u can think things through..it is good.
and i will be disciplined!!!

hee hee hee...started off this week actually..
but i have to acknowledge bad feelings still...it is normal!!

2007-04-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

this is the song i fell in love immediately
and i think she is a very talented lady.
and gosh, her voice, her music, touches u to the core of your heart.

yah she belongs to the late 70s, but i think, it make alot of senses still.
and she is still writing! gosh. beautiful!

enjoy pple!

it is this simplicity, the clarity of her voice that awake the soul in me
the lost soul knowing the world has alot more than just the day to day little frays.
maybe it is just singing the song, maybe u just sway left and right to the slow rhythm. the simple plucking of chords, set the base and all left of melody, is the voice of an angel. the softness depicts the despair and lost hopes. the deep gave the strength, tighter on the lost faith.
as you close your eyes, you feel the rain pattering on your coat, and the left tip of your mouth drags up.
it is this smoothness on the shakers on the move... sets me into the mood!

2007-04-08T01:44:00.000+08:00

"love is a road for two. without you, it seems too big for a pair of feet"

"a child's mind seems pitless, and maybe i will hope i can be one"

it shall be a random dating month.

hahaha

2007-04-04T21:40:00.000+08:00

was sitting there watching tv and then decided to check if my er jie actually email
but she din.
mum is worried.
so i sms her...no reply! think i would have to call soon.

listening to shan's woes, i am contemplating alot of things too.
sometimes i wonder if i am nosey, but sometimes it hurts me to see a person i care gets upset and i cant help.

sometimes i just say somethings not because i am picking on u, but because it is the way fact has presented itself.

maybe i have misunderstood pple. like i did about my best fren, who cun handle my almost depression state, but i knew, it was myself who have to walk out.
but in the end, i slowly see the light.

but i guess, maybe times i need a break
working and frens, can they mix?
maybe i just dun suit this at all.

sometimes i find gossiping about who does this and y? and are they going out with each other quietly blahblah, is getting into me
coz i seriously am not tat kind of girl, who giggles and start to gossip pple
i am actually serious. yet fun loving. fun loving as in i will crack jokes at myself and make a fool of myself.
who ever goes out with who...okay lor...go la! aiyo...it doenst excite me actually
if they are good, they are good! great! less 2 single parties? hahaha
seriously.

i dun like to use others as a kind of entertainment
it is nice once in a while to kill boredom, but ultimately, i cant coz i get very disturbed in the end. i can misunderstand pple, i can suddenly snap.
and i think i have done so, and it is killing me right now. so badly and i hate myself
when i do, this is bad which is y the enviornment isnt making me a better person.
shan and i agreed, we need to improve ourselves not be in something tat makes us bad.
coz we arent!

but i seriously, i would love to help and i seriously think she is really a dear fren of mine.
at work, she always never forget me. and she din give up on me when i sobbed there.
she was there for me and i would love to be there for her.
being nosey, has become a concern
and i dunno if i am hurting her.

hahaha silly me, tearing alittle now coz of what she has said
"i dun like the constantly crying huishan and huihui"
emotional? hell yeah, but she makes me feel alittle real and me
being huihui.

JIAYOU HUISHAN AND HUIHUI!! we wil be happy and strong pple!

i guess toking to suli tat day brought me to think on wat i do really want to do.
and reading this thing makes me alittle happy that i knew i wasnt too wrong abut myself.

just remembering wat shan said about karma. and suddenly it struck me
so now, everyday on my desktop...there's this notepad with
"focus, karma and it is not your f**king problem" to remind myself.

nice

this should be accurate for this looks into my birthdate and birthtime and their are just excerpts! hahahaha

You are the humanist par excellence - equality, liberty, and fraternity" is your motto, and this is not just a phrase for you. You dislike pomp, artificiality and privilege, and are drawn to what is modest, simple and natural in life. The total picture is of an extremely well-integrated individual. You probably had a happy youth and as a result will enjoy many healthy relationships. In love you play the role of a gardener, tending to the needs of your love partner. ..
If your inner growth is such that your vital energies are oriented toward spiritual rather than material pleasures, then you will arrive at gratification and happiness through inquiry into the mysteries of life and death. ..
Although changeable in appearance, your life is guided by very definite and fixed principles, one of which is a constant demand for personal freedom. In love you are a strange character. You can easily be emotionally attracted to one person and yet unpredictably terminate relationships.

2007-04-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

well, this post shall be dedicated to a person haha sitting 2 seats in front of me
i felt guilty and i think it is somewhat the way it only made me realise the silliness of me all.

sometimes i wonder how much an environment can change some1. the pple u hang out with, the pple you tok to, the pple u gossip, the all and all.

but have we have gotten a grip of everything about OURSELVES?

this is the topic of the day.

i admitted that due to alot of hearsay and alot of stuff going through my head now.
it is very unhealthy and i shall not be deterred from now on.

it also brought to the point whereby maybe many things happened and sucked pple into the whirlpool which i have NEVER encountered b4.

u do learn new things everday.
but constantly trying to improve yourself is harder.
but i am still trying.
i rememeber how last friday was like, sobbing uncontrollably in the ladies with S squatting with me
i remembered very clearly wat i have said or rather rambled
"as time goes by, u are always trying to change, constantly improving yourself, but it seems it is NEVER good enuff for others. pple come and go, and waves of pple NEVER stop judging u and will never find you good enuff."

and how silly it was that i said tat and i have caused harm to others.
the same as others have done to me.

vicious cycle.
bad bad girl.

Sorry Lawrence.
i guess i have disappointed u as much as i might have disappointed with myself as much as i thot i was disappointed in you! (sure going in circles)

but hey, watever i have said, meant good still. like how u have reacted at work, blahblah...i still like the old larry... heehee..at this stage, i still want to say that i am right in some way...huge ego and so sue me.
*slap my mouth* yah yah, go ahead and bish me up.

and since u like to care about me by reading my blog, there u go.
this post is for you!

and this sounded weird
but i am sincere about this post..not like u...sweet tougue...

by the way, i have been selling you to pk but she never buys it.
i say u care about family and u care about pple in subtle ways and i told her he is a family man!

hahaha..
hey i do think good about u...
bleah if tat is wat u r looking for.

2007-04-02T00:39:00.000+08:00

"my heart is somehow bleeding.."

been listening to music and lyrics OST
just want to blog some things that hit me most of the time and how jo mentioned how some just want to find out about one's life through their blog.

and how often the pple are just ard u?

then listented to some words, to find my soul somewhere.
it struck me more.

how often ppl actually managed to find their way back into love, life, frens, family?
and of coz, work.

it is like committing a crime that u thot you will try not to, but u did.
and u cant break free.

sometimes it bleeds when it struck me that one day if u thot u found your way back somewhere u really love and care about, it never existed.

i just reminded me of the (my) bad crush one can have in jc days
hahaha.
and maybe tats y i dun want to look back into that
but maybe i am still experiencing the kind of effects of a bad crush.

it starts to bite. just like u think ur work sucks and u r not doing anythin about it

tats when u know u need bed!

2007-04-01T04:12:00.000+08:00

What we talk about when we talk about love
by uncle larry

No thoughts in their mind, just broad nothingness.
Snoring lightly, he sweats a little under the warmth of the fabric,
sometimes turning.
As a mild contrast, she is in deeper sleep,
her head leaning firmly on his arm, never once flip.
Time ticks slowly, for once, the world smells of sweet nonchalence.
A lazy afternoon on a Sunday.

He turns, the movement of his arm hits her lightly.
"Hmmm.." she awakes briefly but quickly repositions herself back close to him ;
and continue dwelling in the peacefulness of slumber.
The sun keeps shining in the outside world;
nothing takes these moments away, and they belong to the couple,
who falls asleep peacefully, hand in hand, warm body against warm body.
A moment etched in timelessness

his inspiration was drawn while chatting with PK. hahaha maybe tat's y the passage.
how sweet. hahaha i am indeed dying of sweetness.

but it is indeed sweet to have sleep in some1's arm on a sunday morning, not giving a damn on anything!
it would be even better on a rainy sunday just like today. with thunders, the heavily accented rain... ahhhhh

2007-03-31T01:59:00.000+08:00

i am the absorber
and you are my stripper.

hahaha...thinking really hard and causing HS to luff till she squats on the floor hehehe.
i should have used REGENERATOR instead. hahaha
coz the story can go deeper heehee..."u inject life back into me by regeneratoring"

hahahahaha..
think i have caused HS to squat with me like more than 30 mins today? heehee.. paiseh leh!
bu thanks! hehehe...

just complaining to some1, how come pple's BGR are so complicated eh?
hahahaha. ESPECIALLY AT WORK?

really cant take it haha
so complicated one.
like then like
dun like then dun like
must pull here and there ah.
very confusing eh

wah lau
*simply ignoring now*
really worse than school days.

2007-03-30T00:19:00.000+08:00

hahaha
i think sometimes, it is interesting how i can allow myself to click with some pple

do you have certain defense wall towards certain pple because

1) you think he or she is a weird person. will step on u and try to kill
2) scare you provoke him or her that he or she will start to dislike u
3) u actually think u like him or her and fear u cant help falling in love thus u control
4) u simply think u cant click with the person
5) the person is too strong for you.
.
.
.
and the list goes on

i do that pretty often but doesnt mean i dun change my ideas or reaction to pple
as time goes by, i do see things and i will let go. just give me abit of time!!

i am feeling very happy and i dunno y.
i definitely din have enuff sleep!
went out dinner at 10pm last nite with 3 bosses, having some kind of kopitiam tok office.
i like listening to them it was fascinating. and they are not afraid to tok in front of me.
y? because they were not gossiping about anyone nor were they condemning some1 badly, but the direction was to give a comment and thot about some pple and most of the time, it was one at present who got all the "suaning" and guidance.

it ended at 130am.

i was in bed almost at 3am
i woke up at 7 am then have decided not to go to work on time and lay in bed till 830am, woke up, chit chat abit, dolled up coz i feel like it and then slowly strolled my way to work.

and i found out that the bosses who were out too, came later than me heeheehee..
my mum asked "how come u can go in so late?" i went, aiyah, not as if i do it all the time, i am most of the time on time and i could pamper once and go in at 930!!!!
muahaha and the heart was light, coz the feet were easy on walking.
drinking my tea, listening to my "POP! goes my heart!"
it is time like this, u know u are in touch with your inner soul and simply not working, tinking of pple who eat u, and pple u wanna kill

no.
not at all.

and i was on a high for the rest of the day.

it was also tonight which set me thinking in a different light.
i was chatting with my boss, on many things. i guess some things he said made me realise things about family, frens, work and most imptly, wat do u truly care about and how u do it.

awareness was the topic. and i think, it is this awareness that sets the difference between knowing and doing.

i will constantly remind myself 3 things i like about every1.

2007-03-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

i realised i cannot hang out with pple who makes me very uptight

it actually makes me a terrible person.

thou shall not succumb and shall stay away from such pple!!!!

i dun want to be a bad person.
we all just want to be nice!

hahaha when i look for my man, both of us should make each other better pple, if not i think tat's the saddest thing on earth

HOT DATE! heehee....
finally, dating with 3 men!!! woohoo...i am happy! hahaha..provided i can make my way there on monday!

Jo: u cant blame me, i havent hung out with cool pple for a long time. hahahahaahhaha

shan: i will try your program after i have reformated my lappie hahaha
naughty girl...read my blog while away for business trip! hehe i miss u terribly.
anyhow i am writing this blog to tell u i am going to have hot date and hahaha i would love to bring u along so i can show u! hahaha..cool bunch of pple...always toking nonsense and anything under the stars! hehehehe...then u can join the gang! erps. hahahaha.

2007-03-26T21:23:00.000+08:00

AT SEVENTEEN
By Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

/ C - / Dm - / G7 - / C - / :

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen

/ Eb - / Dm7 G7 / Cm7 Fm7 / /
/ Ab G7 / Cm7 Fm7 / Dm7 - G7 - /

A brown eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce said
Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich-relationed home-town queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company and haven for the elderly

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you in
Dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen

i love this song. i fell in love with this song while working (feeling SUPER sian heehee w/o shan in front of me, w/o pk answering to my email). i was just trying to focus, listening to gold 90.5fm, and i heard this song.
it was beautiful! the music, was blues/bossa nova. it was very soothing in an uncanny way
but what struck me the most, is the lyrics. it was the words that caught my heart.
my legs were freezing cold and i felt really weak suddenly, this song, came as a temporary relief.
this is a fantastic poem. just by reading it, u can feel the sadness, the simple story.
but with the music, it was just one.
ahhhh ...damn it must listen to it and then play in on the piano....

Shan: if u r reading this, heh, tell me the website so i can d/l the song. this is so darn beautiful i am sure there are a few versions for this kind of song, thus i must d/l and listen to it one by one. i think there are a couple of singers for this too. sheesh!

jo: if u r reading this! hahaha wat happened when we were 17? dun give a damn about being the so called home coming queen? maybe not even some kind of best looking girl in orientation, but plain jane with a huge mind and heart, just having lots of fun, unrestricted! no...not the naughty way..BISH
i love those days! heehee...wait for me!!!! we shall relive those moments in europe!!! haha...
shall we?

2007-03-25T23:49:00.000+08:00

this life

mid twenties you must say!
i barely felt it in my veins
so may events unfold everyday,
tell me how much i have to pay.

rain pierces through the sun rays
ah! what a beautiful sight.
harmonious antagonists,
maybe they are my answers to life

is that pasture over there greener and softer?
i gently ask.
the grass beneath me tickles
and i couldnt hold my giggles.

the joy ard the land, swept away
the love it airs, lay down there.
the sun sets down in the west,
so i can see shooting stars up ahead.

make a wish! or make it a 10
i ask for alittle too much,
my gifts suddenly seems too small,
maybe in this love, in this life.

2007-03-25T01:42:00.000+08:00

two nites of randomness, i have begun to believe certain things in life are really not within your control.

but i still believe, to look into the beautiful side of pple and tell yourself, they are beautiful

haha i try very hard to convince myself, but of coz, alittle belitting started to set in when i gauge myself.

i was reading something in my old post. and it struck something in me once again.

"your first impression of me leads u to believe i am so, but when u know i am not, it seems as though i get the blame for it. y?"

haha. never mind.
yesterday was out with my team mates and i started seeing many beautiful side of pple.
i dun wish to mention much about guys, coz somewhat i din really bother, but i saw something about the girls which are so beautiful. and no i am not lesbian. maybe it is the little me inside, starting to compare myself with the rest of the girls ard me, which is typical.

but i was thinking hahaha today while i met 2 more other girls, and hahaha saw many things.
and it was time like that i wish i have a big mirror infront of my eyes and i could see myself inside out.

after comparsion, it feels alittle weird.
i wonder if "interesting character" meant something good or bad, but it just felt wrong.
really wrong. i cringed at that word "interesting"
it is not of that word which is commonly used but it does have a bad meaning to it when used in many situations.

it is not tat i am not able to take criticism. bring it on la. but just feel weird when every1 seems alittle normal, and good, while comments on yourself turn out, rather, un affirmative.

hahah
a little me somewhere is sheding blood too. i guess heavens is continuing puishing me for things i have done and said to some pple.
but listening to the rain, thinking of my trip to europe, got me by and feeling alittle happier.
everything seems like a double edge sword, but it feels as though i got the pain more than others gaining from it.

but sitting on the sofa just now, nice and cold. hahaha
hugging the pillow, and the song "way back into love" came alive in my head.
and suddenly wanna hug some1 in bed and sleep while watching tv..

hahaha too much of this song is no good!
yeah! tomolo will be a GREAT SUNDAY!

dun care of watever shit i heard last last nite...
i like being alone for i dun judge myself much hehehehe!

2007-03-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

today i have caught music and lyrics!

damn it hahaha i wanna write an english song ahahaha
shit just put a melody to it hahaha

way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need `em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
OhhhhhI've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

hahaha i think the words in bold are so apt
really
"and if i ever open my heart again, i guess i am hoping you will be there for me in the end.
There are moments when I don't know if it's real, Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, Not just another negotiation"

i think thats exactly how i feel, really. hahah

HS/pk: yesh yesh, i will be nicer. i will not be prejudiced and yah yah, i will change.

2007-03-21T00:52:00.000+08:00

today was one of the days which has made me realise the depth of power and position fighting.

you can trust no one at work. you can always never find some1 who u can truly relate to about things. i dunno how much i can trust pple ard now. maybe i am sitll able to trust only a couple.
but i am thinkin of the worst

it is just tat u are sucked into this whirlpool of nonsense fighting, jostling of pwoer.

i dun get it at all lor. fuck it. seriously fuck it

does some1 who knows how to lick boss's boots a MATURE person?
can some1 actually enlighten me on that!?

does some1 who starts to pick on pple, show favouritism a good leader?!?
oh i forgot, he picked on the only couple of blacksheep so they will leave and he can form his perfect team issit?

to those who are my colleauges reading this, and if u ever read this and have decided to have any comments or backstab me in anywa, go ahead. and go to hell.

it hurts me, really badly when he had decided to pick me and put me down in front of every1.
i can bare with it, but i cun help but STARED at him when he did tat.
and i so badly wanted to say, go to hell and fuck off.
y?
coz if u want pple to get back to seat and continue the agm and end the break, u can GATHER EVERY1, and not pick on some1 and throw your fucking temper ard.
i can bear with that but i wont forget.
i will remember tat incident forever.
and sorry clarence, to u, it seems very tiring, but to me, it is painful, not becuase he dislikes me, go ahead, but y the rudeness of 1, at the expense of some1's innocence?

it gets me completely very unhappy and very upset. ebcause i am actually affected by the whole fucking situation.
yeah yeah, call me super ego, but i feel it is completely uncalled for.

so much of my bitching and watsoever. but i think, in this world, no matter how much u try to be hardowrking, work for a passion, strive for something u thot it s worth fighting for, u are definitely not going to be rewarded, just because u dunno how to bootlick. how bittersweet

thou shall not do wat others have done onto me.
if one day, i lead a team, i will NEVER NEVER disgrace them in front of every1 else.
y? cos there are many methods to it, and u just HAVE TO LEARN YOUR EQ RIGHT.

i thank god for not flaring up. though it has affected and shaken me badly the rest of the fucking day, and made me so upset, tat i actually sobbed in the fucking toilet, i still want to give thanks to heavens for making me a stronger person. i am fixing myself, my broken faith, and i will not bow down to evil and power. y? coz i work with a clear conscience. i am just fetching a fucking salary okay?

i will remember how i managed still not to control and i am fucking trying to have a poker face

i will constantly remind myself, that though i belong to a deck of cards, but i am always the joker.
u can use me in the game, but i am forever the joker. i can be anywhere i wanna be and i can be anything i wanna be.
and most of the time, i am never INVOLVED. WITHIN BUT NEVER INVOLVED.

2007-03-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

it was a horrible morning

i was so angry pissed and stressed out by idiots in company that i couldnt take it

bleah!

then it was much better in the later of the day!

then i went grocery shopping with shan for tomolo's breakfast/ lunch/dinner! haahhaha

so fun!

so we are going to have ham, tuna/egg mayo, chesse, hotdog for oil and gas team mates! hehehe
so exciting!

this is fun leh

=oP
too bad...

LL cant enjoy it! hahahahaha

2007-03-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

it is queer.

i wish i have been able to dance better
i wish i have been given more time to deal with work!

i am just juggling with dance and work... and it is already killing me
i have no time to groom myself much

shit
hair is DAMN long but i refused to cut (also no time to cut) coz i iwll lose my curls
i like hehehehehe

shit la
i am damn tired

i cant even think wher ei wanna move too!

like
1) should i continue to dance -- have a fight with partner and somehow i think, all i can say is "just go back and think over what has happend the past 3 months b4 u decide that we clash in ideas"

2) work - how am i to love my job..i do. i love to do technical jobs but wah lau
so many things to do and have to deal with some idiot and his politics lor!!!
i wanna to die. though he is trying to cover up but hahaha..too late la...only becuase trying to save his own ass...no respect for such an asshole.
poor huishan has to deal with all the shit somehow.
i suddenly remembered those days i had exactly the same
the difference is, my boss stood by him and not me.

so where am i going?
i cant be a professional ballroom dancer..though i seriously wish to try till at least grade B!!!
but argh, partnership is like a pain in the ass or rather, in a relationship...u need to maintain with care and tact
you have to deal with pple's feeling. and i am ALREADY trying to be as sensitive, least comments as possible. am trying to STOP all critisims.
sigh... how come i feel like being so silly at times anyhow. forgetting how i truly feel.
i feel for others, who feel for me eh?
if this partnership is not going anywhere, i might jsut quit.
sigh

sigh
i was reading my past posts and i found out how much i have changed and how much i have tolerated with. and how much i have TRIED and STILL TRYING to listen, to help. esp at work!!!
i try to return favours, i try to pass it on.

i really did.
i tried to put myself in ppl'e shoes.
i actually know when pple are facing predicaments like me, i would try to give them comfort

i really am trying.

but sometimes, trying so hard, is such a painful and hideous task.

it gets u down and flat
it gest u feeling so stupid and silly
it gets you feeling like you might have not achieved anything at all.

all in a day's karma
how much is it worth?

i do like to lend a listening ear to pple
at least keep my mind off my problems hahahah
am i running away?

i wish i could just fly away now

and i mgiht have to go pakistan in may!!!
interesting! hahaha something to put on this year
support japan/pakistan/malayisa
hahahahahaha

how i hate to see tat.

BLEAH!
=oP

2007-03-08T21:20:00.000+08:00

testing

bleah

2007-02-04T00:21:00.000+08:00

i like the feeling of blood rushing to all ends of my body.
it makes me feel alife.
it no longer can be something shortlived, it has got to be longer, stronger and tougher.

i like the fact that i have danced 4 hours straight, from 7 to 11pm.
suddenly i feel so energised yet so tired.

i am feeling not the fatigue, nor restlessness, but the complete drain of thoughts and sensory tingling my mind and body.

maybe it is the flu, maybe it is indeed the intensive dance.
maybe it is the long lost adrenaline.

"i wish i never have to grow up!!! i am hitting the big 2 this yr!!!"

i said tat exactly 5 years back.

2007-01-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

it is so weird standing there, staring, with all the chatting around you.

you kept quiet.
you stared.

then you feel ostracised once again.

and you have that old feeling coming back to you.

the old me, turned ard and gave them a good dressing down.

the me now, couldnt do much but just continue to stare down at my feet.

you thot you might have frens. maybe you din have them at all.
you thot u might have some 1 to tok your heart out, maybe in the end, there aint ears at all.

your eyes roam to the far away sky, knowing sky never existed. just a few clouds floating by.
all you have to do is exclaim its beauty.
the only comforting and positive you have to mutter is
"there's always a place for me somewhere, and i shall believe"

and today, i asked myself, sitting in a wet pair of jeans,
if heart never recognises it, i will never find THE place.

the heart is fluttering with emotions, the brain is frozen by questions.
the vicious cycle that the feet brought, thrown me into a whirl.
maybe this is the end, for it has just begun.
the feet will never feel the hard ground again.

2007-01-04T23:58:00.000+08:00

isnt the character more outstanding, heart more important than just admiring a pretty face?

there's nothing much to say to some pple.

y am i feeling something weird whenever he looks at me in the eyes?

hate it when he actually asked me questions.

"sitting opposite you, makes me wonder what made you look so beautiful under the nite sky, basking in yellow light."

y treat pple like a toy, play with them when only u feel like, and when you feel like escaping, even kicking them on the floor, din seem a pain for you.

you have very valuable frens. whenever you need them, regardless of their fatigue, their many other problems they have, they just kept you company.

no one notices his presence. let alone toking to her. maybe they are just in their own world.

2007-01-03T00:02:00.000+08:00

it has been a fun new year.

31st was a "mum" cum "maid", then a party girl at nite
1st was "cook" cum "maid"
2nd "baby sitter" and truly just enjoy company with great frens.

but it is all back to work and another hectic 2007.
i just wish i have more time to myself, at least once a month to chill alone, read a book.

of coz i have plans for 2007
1) prepare for dance competition in march
2) plan for europe trip in may
3) read up more books, i.e 3 books (heavy ones i promise you, not fiction for sure)
4) get my work done: KICK off my SG market, and start to work on more interesting revamps, marketing aspects must improve.

tat's all. i think tat's hell alot of stuff to do eh.

by the way, alwyn! if you are reading this post, remember i am always here for you okay?
miss ya!

2006-12-31T03:10:00.001+08:00

test

2006-12-30T02:49:00.000+08:00

interesting, i have just got back from my boss' farewell dinner cum drinking session.

things i have realised are more than i have expected
1) my boss hahaa, does have his concerns moving out of sg, but this is not surprising for he is indian, trying to survive in china environment.
2) how some colleagues are really funny. and how some colleagues do have actions that made pple ponder deeper.
3) "boss is still boss" is the sentence that rings in my mind, constantly.
4) indeed, i have started to grown and still LEARNING to grow.
5) can sense my boss has alot to say to me, and how much he would miss me. somehow, i have no idea y. am i tat enduring? hahaha after bitching at him about how he calls me in the morning and NAGS

anyhow, time comes and goes, goes and comes. we have many pple, things to meet and learn.
i kind of think, pple are just a pain in the ass. but sometimes, without pain, you really dun realised u r alive hur?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the WRX colleague has an interested pointer for a few ladies he is closer to in the office.
and happened, he was toking about the kind of guys, we young, single and available ladies would like.

it is amusing, that how he would comment on huishan and my taste. haha.yeh and huishanis like sister to me, her surname is lee (li ) too.

as peter told me and huishan we were amazed at the sharp accuracy he has.
i will just tok about my portion, so dear frens, tell me if u agree with him.

1) i think you are the SPG kind. but on the more conservative side, for a SPG. or most likely, prefers a man of open mindedness, more ang moh pai

(personally, i will like asian, chinese. would love some1 to share my roots with me, but yeh i agree on the open mindedness, ang moh pai)

2) you need to engage in conversation, which means u need a man of high educatiion or wisdom. he has to be knowledgable. preferably with high educational level and would like to have a man to know alot and can tell u many things.

( kow! i love intelligent men for sure! i like if he is able to engage in maybe intelligent topics with me though i am really like know nothing hahahahaha....as for high educational level, eh...hahaha...marry wat? a prof? dot dot dot...joanna, some1 like your dad eh!)

3) he has to be outgoing but like, open to party, but not the SPORTY type. he is outgoing but not the into sports type. must able to enjoy company of like. coz u will like he to like the stuff u appreciate.

(haha..if he meant able to RACE or buy fast car like himself, yeh...he is right. but i told him, i would love my man to be able to dance!!!! hahaha...kow, i am making my life hard, no wonder i am bfless haha)

4) he cant be too tall, but maybe lean. as in, must see eye level kind. too tall u dun like. so in the end, slightly taller than you by abit bit lor

( i went hur? like LL eh? not too tall but skinny? then no, slightly beyond it, then i ponder, haha...yeh i love my man not too tall, i hate straining my neck and wanna him to see my eye level. but as for meat, i think i want my man to have meat! nice to hug heeheehee)

by the way, closer frens would ALREADY known the above, but haha, he doesnt really know eh.
i think he has said one more point, but i just cun recall wat he has said 2 days back. haha

so i sat there pondering, who is the guy who at least fit into at least 2 or 3? ahha..i think i have a couple. and really just 2. but abit far fetched eh. hahaha

chinese adage (just got to know this word today) "no fish, got prawn also good"
hahaha....
eh. hahah...think my net would then need to be cast further and bigger hehehehe

okay i am really tired and off to bed after like 3 cups of beer hahaha
tiring!

2006-12-29T00:32:00.000+08:00

sometimes, it is always the strong feeling of being left out, that makes one quiet.

no becuase you dun wish to talk, it is because of the following possibilities

1) you feel you are not taken seriously
2) you are intimidated by the cultural shock
3) you are taken aback by the way pple talk or act
4) you feel you are not going to fit in
5) you feel whether you say a thing, wont make ANY difference
6) you know it is just a one way discussion, or rather no conversation has ever taken place.
7) you just feel freaking tired.
8) you just jolly well know, you just dun feel like talking.
9) you just dun want to be judged and put down AGAIN
10) you are just dazing and dun bother to pay attention.

the above 9 points are points i felt at different times when pple asked y i am not toking or keeping quiet.
i have tat situation many times. and all i do is, point 7 and 10 hahaha
and of at points like the above mentioned situation, sometimes, pple dun even know you are there.
hahahaha

2006-12-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

here i am listening to some jazz songs, chilling with the rain outside my window.

and my eye has to start to itch.

now i have decided to switch to latin music.
i so want to dance!
hahaa, and my fren is pushing me to take up either the korean guy for standard or ask zhixiang for latin so i can take part (or rather we) in the march competition!

hrm
hahaha in time for any dance is something which i am not sure. and i wonder if i can get a dress in time too.

then again, i still have to ask zhixiang for latin portion. if he isnt game for it, i will just try standard.

putting dance aside, my mind floats the idea of work and studies.
i am pretty torn, and wondered how much i can tolerate the idea of working.
besides having the $$$$ to buy wat i want and blahblah, there's nothing much of any satisfaction anyhow.
so much of putting on make up, perming hair (and now it is cha cha!) and wearing the clothes i always wanted.
then again, the image i wanted now, was wat i have dreamt of since young. not the kind of dream when i wanna have a prince charming by my side by 28 or some magical number, but i forsee myself doing things and being who.

that brings back to a point of "y does work make me feel so darn old while maybe i should go back to studies to feel youthful once again"

currently, nothing much to brag about for i need to focus, i need a mid term goal which translates to finding a dream.

i sit back here, thinking, what did i ever wanted to do?
ah, stuck

and i will tell u again.
my mum ever thot i wanted to be a professor?
hahaha.
me? phD seems way off.

but i do have a dream to fulfil

deal with the short term goal first!

anyhow, dreams like dancing and travelling never stop hahaha.
maybe i am a cacoon, waiting to fly.

2006-12-23T04:17:00.000+08:00

i have got a hangover!

no i did not get drunk or watsoever, but i was having withdrawal syndrome.
i was back to work

it was a day i would call, "doze off in front of your laptop without your boss knowing it"

yeh, sounds very duh? hell yeah, but ignore me as i was just preparing myself to meet christina!!!

great time, we went random sushi and then random KTV and then random movie called "the holiday"

and that is the prupose of this whole post. i would like to do a short movie review.
again, i emphasise "short" as much as my hair is sitll drying.

i remembered watching a few movies back, the trailer called "the holiday" with the fabulously charming, extremely gorgeous, unbearably sexy jude law acting in it.
you must say i am really smitten by that guy in the show, thus i told myself, this christmas, lets watch a movie on romance.

ahh. tat brings back memories of "love, actually" and i proudly present you, my new found love.

the holiday was more concise, just toking about 2 girls and 2 boys. technically speaking, it started off on 2 girls, whose love life were screwed up.

1st warning. i am going to do the details of the movie. pple who would like to watch the movie, close this window right away.

iris, british, and god, i just love the accent! digressed alittle, was suffering from what i called, "love the bastard too much, till you lose yourself" illness.
she was being two-timed and then made used of by her ex and colleague, jasper. (greatm surprise tat i actually able to remember the characters' names!)they had this literature love. and i wonder if i have described it aptly.

amanda, amercian, and sheesh, at least her american accent doesnt sound TAT imitmidating, was this careerminded lady who owned her own movie trailer advertising firm, who has a bf who slept with his receptionist.

heart broken, they wanted a holiday. to run away from the pple, the place, and most imptly, the men they din want to see for christmas, for 2 weeks

at this point, i was sitting there, anticipating the movie. but i have to admit, there wasnt a single dull moment and christina agreed with me. it was better than eragon!

upon googling a holiday destination, amanda landed herself o nan exchange holiday website where she found iris.
sweet. impulsive as pushed by their broken hearts, they have decided to swap house the next day.

thus over the ocean, to the other side of the world, they found themselves in totally different worlds.

iris found herself in this huge and posh house down in sunset blvd while amanda was in this village cottage, cosy but small.

loneliness, set in at its peak. like a full blown disease, it bites.
they felt nowhere, lost, ALONE, away from their usual.

so much of reminding myself, running away aint solving the problem! it just makes matters worse.

then again, they were about to change their mind, they met the "interesting" or "special" one.

iris met miles who was attached to some kind of 3rd class actress, while amanda met the very sexy and gorgeous iris' brother, graham (and yeh, i am ALREADY IN LOVE WITH JUDE LAW BY NOW)

to cut the story short, i have decided to take out snippets which i felt that hit me.

1) amanda last cried when his dad left the house when she was 15. she never cried again.
2) graham actually has 2 kids. and nope he wasnt divorced but widowed. PLUS 10! and he is a cry baby!
3) iris was really trying to get herself out of her ex's clutch, bu that idiot/bastard, just kept on going at her even though he is already engaged. f*uk tat guy!

4) miles, being the not so good looking, but was a cool composer for movies.

with the major four points, i would like to say, love has worked its way round.

1) amanda and graham: graham din tell her about the kids. and they thot they could just get away with one nite stand. but graham had to fall in lvoe with amanda
esp after all the toking and understanding each other. by chance, she found out yet the kids were in love with her. maybe kids do sense special things, dun they?
at this point, amanda was leaving and they couldnt help but HAD to see each other, and yeh, on the bed. but the most beautiful point came right at this moment
graham professed his love for her
it is long d, dun forget the UK and the USA. they were comtemplating on the issues of tat and it wont work out, but graham just went "i love u, and it doesnt matter that much if you might buy 1 and get 2 free. and suddenly i knew wat i need and i know wat i exactly need is u."
those words, damn it, judelaw, god..take me!
digression, but yeh she was still leaving.

just after she was in the car, and for no particular, she atualyl teared
and she knew it. ran back to the hut and found graham weeping. haha.
it was terribly cute.

2) iris and miles: they are jsut wat i called, the humourous pair with non stop luffter!!! hahaha. in particular, arthur, the old man wa slike the string that tied them together.
it was easy for this story. predictable, yes, but never a dull moment.

i am getting sleepy and i am getting every short. hair is almost dried by now.
that i have discovered, i should just take a holiday alone out!
hahaha i might just find LOVE
but anyhow, underline meaning, never expect it.
you cant find it on purpose, it just have to let it flow.

and sometimes, just be yourself. and you will be loved.

i like this movie.
4.5 out of 5.

2006-12-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

ahh...
took 2 days off straight but din feel TAT refreshed.
too much of late nites and lack of sleep

hrmm
2006 is indeed coming to an end.
somehow, i wonder how much i have learnt from it/

at this point, the only thing that hit me is, time flies too fast, i am living, fleetingly.

the time has thus come, for me to refocus and shift my priorities.

life, somewhat is larger than just work, or worrying not getting attached (on the contrary, looking ard me, i am worrying once again about my gal frens.) not worrying not spending enuff time with family, frens, urself.

i dunno. again, i am stuck here, thinking how to proceed with life.
and i will never forget how yewleong told me "till now, even a father of one, i never knew where my dream is"

i looked back all the years, i have moved on. i never went back to MGS to see my teachers, coz the only one who impacted my life has left us for home.
i havent have the heart to go back ACJC, knowing there's nothing much for me to see.
i never went back to nus to see those lecturers whom i actually remmebered.

but i revisit my frens, the pple who have direct contact with me, and i started to appreciate those who ACTUALLY cared and loved me

and now, i really know who they are.
no matter how much we are so busy with life, pple like Jo, Steph, chris, alwyn, eph never stop themselves from accepting who i am and love me.
i have new found frens (and yeh i do exclaim them as frens) like pohkhim, and maybe LL bro who actually made life alittle bearable at work.

besides tat, i dun think i have grown much. hahaha.
thouhg i know, i did my latin dance competition.

i wish i have something to EXCLAIM and SHOUT IN JOY and PRIDE that i have achieved something! but in this state of crankiness, i think, tat's not something which measures success.

i found kids enduring, cute ones, and no, i dun fancy having them soon.
i rather STAY SINGLE, than to die of forced companionship and no,
dun tell me i will chnage my mind when i am 30. leave that to TAT time.

i do want a change of working environment. it is pretty hard to survive under this guy who is err, having grudges abt me.

then again, i will hold on, till the next year end.
i will then report my whereabouts.

i am indeed a boring person.
i need to let loose
weirdly, i do run wild, act wild and dance wild if i allow myself.
=o)

2006-12-10T04:00:00.000+08:00

i have come to a stage that all partying and chilling out with frens, even with pple u feel comfy with, is all nothing but a stand still.

i am tired!!

yeh
i am so going to take a few days off and chill.
away from home
but i wanna sleep
hahaha...but if i stay home, i have to deal with mum! but maybe
dealing with niece is a great thing!

i cant wait to stay home!!!!

i wanna watch my CSI!!!

hahaha

simple pleasures, i will enjoy!

and is there any1 gonna giving me a good shoulder rub?
that spot is really stiff. argh..getting very very unbearably painful!

2006-11-25T02:36:00.000+08:00

really wanna blog and stuff about phuket trip and my bungy jumping.

but i am really tired out from fatigue, going crazy in office (nope i am not stressed) and the brain knowing the hands have to start updating the resume before end of this week. i have endless things to do! shit hahaha.

and SHIT LA
my colleague was waiting for us for 3 hours and y? coz we were just separated by a street, yet the cell operators screwed up on us!
AIYAH

feel bad leh.. 3 HOURS!
but yeh, he has YI QI. i like.
and no, he is married la!
hahahaha...

2006-11-04T01:32:00.000+08:00

today, my patience has been tested to a limit, tat i have vowed myself, i will do something, back. but all i do, is being a mirror.

2006-10-14T03:47:00.000+08:00

u know, life is funny

"i think you have a lower threshold of our lousy jokes"

u know, whenever i use lousy jokes on them, guess wat their reactions are,

silence.

i wonder, who is the sorer loser? hahaha

then i guess wat PK and i have concluded? pple who love to suan others, cant be suaned by others themselves. they cant take it. hahahaha

really, whenever i crack jokes on the others, they jsut smiled! and sometimes when they do tat on me, i smiled!

but on them, shrugs, i wont even bother...

anyway, i think i require alot more time to think through things

i need to get my hormones in check!
esp my depressive PMS hahaha..

if pple do believe it gets really bad hahaha

i admit it and now i am taking action.

of coz, these are my observations!

ciao pple...

2006-10-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

i have written this to my best fren who is now sitting in Sweden.
i think i needed to this so much

hey babe,

work is unbearable and i tink the stress is amounting when i am unable to step out of it. it is like this tornado tat swept across and just swept me up into it. i cant get out. my colleague told me it is because i am not taking a break from everything. the strain over this 1.3 years is taking its strain on me. i think whenever pms hits, it is like when shit hits the fan. i think i might need to see a doctor to supress all this and u know how i hate taking medication for such silly things. life at this workplace is hectic, and sometimes u cant fight it. i take up responsibilities which dun belong to me, and i din know how to throw them UP. maybe i am not tkaing things in my path. i need to let go. but i am going through this patch of maddening 2 weeks, fighting tears back and every1 thinks i am a mad woman who is emotional. but they have no idea wat kind of shit as a newbie is carrying, just because of a decision of mine decided to grab an opportunity to fight for the name of compnay. how noble and naive i am. and how stupid i am to let it get into the calmness i have previously finally and i almost cracked. i cried 3 times in the office toilet. and i asked god what am i fighting for? for recognition, for encouragement, for results for myself for justice for what shit? when i am not getting any justification done on my work done.
who gives a damn? who gives that kind of emotions? i dunno. i have so much running in my mind and i dunno how i can relate to any1, relate to anything in hand, in the future. it is hard to try to grab things in the dark, and maybe in the end when the lights are up, there was nothing at all to grab.
the only comfort i have was that i have tried.
i have been judged, and i have judged. and it all turned out bad. because the results were negative. just because i threw myself into a shit that i believe in. and i dun even know the outcome, my gut feeling tat came to me, i dun even know if i can trust anymore.

soemtimes i think, i use work to find myself. i use colleagues to find who i am. and i think i am losing myself in the game of nothing but office politics. conclusion, is never do tat. they and the env arent the healthy way and the truthful way to find myself.

sometimes i just want to run away from everything i have here, but thinking of the money, the debts, the "where can i go" hits me. i am not a risk taker. and weirdly, i am willing to die for excitement, for sheer death defying acts. i always never understood this part of me.

**

is all for the better good? is all for the hope that it is a blessing in disguise?

soemtimes, i lost sight of my own capability. i never like to compare, with others, but within the premises, i am being compared, by who, by what and by how, i enver know. i would love to see myself improve, but i dun even know if i have. i push myself too deep into the waters, not giving a chance to breathe and see the beautiful sky light shining just at the surface of the water. no wonder i have never found my direction in life.

i am so hungry right now, sitting in the office. i have decided to steal the chance of the long holidays that we have of deepavali and hari raya pusa to stay away from colleagues, good and bad, from all the things literally happening behind me, so wish how i have a shoulder to cry on...

maybe u r thinking of many things now.
i am too tired to think.

just think, any decision pple make, wat difference does it make anyway?
the outcome is always different. and u cant change wat you have chosen previously!

thus, dear, when you are comfortable to do soemthing, do it. b4 it is too late.
i might not even dance again, coz my dance partner might drop me.

shit does fall on me all at a time.

love u.

at least u bother to listen to a mad woman.

thanks.

and hope you study well! and sleep well!

luv
hui

2006-10-08T00:58:00.001+08:00

hrmm
i think i realised this is all it has!!!

i want to go miami and drive those damn cars!!!!!

2006-10-01T01:21:00.000+08:00

i have turned 24 this thursday!
hahaha
woohoo!
besides receiving tons of smses, and i seriously appreciated it.

i wanted to keep it down..really..even taking leave was like a hushhush except for a couple of colleagues, in the end the whole sales team knew it blahblah sheesh!

hahah i have bursted 180 bucks on my shopping spree on 28 sep 06!
nine west shoes!
love it but now seasoning it

and gee, i also have received a belated bouquet of 24 red roses at my office.
wah lau...i wanted to die. hahaha

stupid guy, must sent to my office!!!!!! sigh...so embarrasing. sweet la but i have already got a gut feeling the nite b4..so not a surprise!

anyhow, daring has occured but somehow, it doesnt feel right! too short a time and y!??? hahaha

sigh, time to be evil but this time i still have to nice for a hidden agenda. haha
sigh

2006-09-06T23:48:00.000+08:00

tell me just 3 reasons

y i am worthy of something!

i just feel that i have to put myself down

i am just plain dumb?

i am just plain not listening and act like a bitch or pile of ash!

argh

wat the fuck am i doing this to myself?

i dun get it.

is there soemthing wrong with me?

i really hate myself when i start to argue with pple
or rather, is it i argue with pple, or pple start to do tat?

u know
i rather think it is me
and thus it is me who likes to argue

yeh i am
i am argumentative
i jsut like to pick
i just think if it is right it is right and if it is wrong it is wrong
take it tat if it is ebtter then just fucking say it

sigh

yeh i have concluded, i am really nuts
i do have somehting wrong with me

2006-09-02T00:59:00.000+08:00

hrmm

i realised there are so many things out there for me to explore!!

i need to stop myself, cooping in that four corners!

by the way, i am starting to fall in love with this guy. i love his voice! the way his voice sounds so deep

i am indeed in love

2006-08-16T00:37:00.000+08:00

i have found out shrewd pple ard me and my workplace.

and it is only 3 months to find tat happening.

i feel i am being unlucky.

really!

all i want is to work, no some pple just want to make life harder for u.

sometimes, i face pple at work, most of my life now.
yet i have to deal with them all the time.

when is the time when i cam just treat one person or two, with true heart and also, being given that kind heart too?

it is so hard, really. i almost wanted to die.
5 days a week, 9 hours a day, and all u deal with can be pple who are stabbing behind your back, or just making use of u?

i dun see the fucking point at this place, seriously. but go ahead.

i just want to get my job done.

and ta;ts wat i aim for

all i need sometimes, is just a pure heart, to be there, to listen, and it is so hard. sometimes, dun have to be there, but with a pure heart. tat's all

once a week is hard, a fortnight maybe possible, but it always seems hard.

i find it so hard to adjust, to adapt, to grow up.
i just wish to keep quiet, to learn to let everything pass.

coz it is already so hard out there to work, and i still have to deal with pple right ard me.

i am not cut for such a world.
i know.

jo: at least i know wat i am not good at, since i cant find wat i am good at.

2006-08-14T23:49:00.000+08:00

how how?

how how??

how how???

how do i survive?
am i even good at my job?

shit man.

i think i am the worst appln and sales engineer in my department, and possibly the worst in the whole sales!!!

shit man. i am going to screw up everything.

2006-08-06T01:43:00.000+08:00

i feel like shit now

y?

esp after a gathering at hk's house.

i feel like shit?

hahaha.

life like this.

"waking up to an empty house. all right, not really empty but i was home alone. i feel alittle peaceful. then i slowly took my time to doll up, then out to town. sitting along orchard road, reading my the economist, i ate my lunch. it was a warm afternoon and all i chose was al fresco. i felt so calm, zen. just me myself in my own world. i dun have to look wat i was doing, as in, be careful of my actions, my words. i am not speaking to any1, not rushing to meet any1, just random doing wat i need to do. to be with myself. i enjoyed the simple pleasures of walking, looking.
i eat the eat. i drink the drink and i even shit the shit.
the simplest pleasures in life, excerise to the max. shopped alone, eat alone. but i dun feel alone. i like this feeling. i dun have yearning of being with some1, i dun yearn that companionship nor do i need to answer to any1. i dun tok except basic social interaction. i din have to call any1, besides texting twice to kelvin. simplicity to the max. it is so hard to maintain. yet it gives a direction, a purpose, a sense of belonging, not to anything, but myself. no i am not trying to sound as though i am living in my own world. but i am just seem as non existent. i feel a sense of serenity amidst the hustle and bustle of the city. maybe tat is wat i was looking for some time ago. aloneness. walking the walking. not being anything, but just be. it feels, i won't say great, but not terrible either.
the gathering wasnt bad. ate, drank.
but i suddenly lost the zen. i gained form. i became myself once again.
then i felt lost, terrible and feel all sort of feeling. tok too much? eat too much?
drink too much? sweat too much? care too much? insensitive too much? wires are off.
lost control and sucking myself into this world of selfishness...
on my way home, i feel sucky, tired, and like shit."

listening to love songs, it feels good, groovy, suitable to chill out.
i still feel like shit.

i want to be formless again.
i want no emotions.
tell me quick.
how?

2006-07-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

just give me one reason to believe and continue to hope.

2006-07-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

y do things go on to be bad and bad and bad?

starting early in the morning, and i knew things are going to be rough
but i never knew, it was tat rough

right in the morning, i had to face nothing but critisism for something i havent even done. i was feeling the fatigue already straining on my body

1) presentation at 930am: while iwas just running through my slides hoping to see the flow make sense, my colleague saw it and all he did was "y are you putting those slides in and you shouldn do tat?! u r supposed to do just case studies?~!!"
all i was like, i am just introducing my compnay products and wat we can do before providing solutions. if i dun even know my products, how am i going to apply?
he continues to exclaim in front of every1 tat i shouldnt do tat?! even b4 i do my presentation. all i did was explain to him my point of view. and all he did was to say i am wrong.

i din mind critisims or even pointing out waht i should and should not do, but before i was even able to present to our refinery expert, or even to any1, i was slammed and crushed under some1's feet. wat did i do? i also dunno, and my confidence level went from a low, to negative. then i din mind being corrected by internal pple, i guess it is training, but not to the point that when i started to present, i din know wat i was doing. it was my first time presenting something i am not so sure. i dunno, when it all started, i was already dazed out. decided to do nothing but just shut up and listen and most imptly, not think

2) lunch time at 130pm: 2 other colleagues started to say how i tok to boss. then i went, fine, maybe sometimes i sounded too assertive, but i feel i need to get some points straight. never mind, they went on saying "he is your boss"
then went on saying, how i should not do this, do that, stop this and stop that.
i dazed even further. i kept quiet, sighing and decided tat that moment, i shant say anything but just face the computer and do my work. i went to the toilet and cry and cry and cry. then i became even more tired. so tired, that i wanted to take a half day off and go home and sleep. sleep my day away maybe i would not be so unlucky. but i din. i have work to do, things to finish. maybe i should have listened to my heart because more things happened

3) during 2pm-5pm: keeping quiet, trying to do some work, staring at the compueter, half dazed. my boss came up to me twice to ask if i am okay. and all i did was tell him, this job will be done, and this project will be done this way and i diverted all attention to nothing but facts and not how upsert i am. i do not want to let emtion get out of me. shoiwng it is something i cant help. but at least let me control my tears. do my work. look at no where but my work, act like i still can joke. alwyas suaning my brother that he doesnt like me and how he doesnt want me around.

4) town at 7pm: happily wanted to collect my latin dance dress so tat i can start sticking my crystals. they did their final touch and at 830pm, i have the biggest shock of my life. my latin dress was cut too short, tat it became so ugly
i was speechless, i was already 3/4 dazed, i was so upset, then tat moment, i felt numb. completely numbed. i din know how salvage it. the lady knew i was shocked, thot of something. and i accepted. i din want to think.

5) at dance studio at 9pm: all i wanted to do is to seek professional opinion on my dress and ensure nothing can go wrong fruther and save the situation. all they did was commented on how i should have go into aruging...into y i actually paid the full sum, should made her remake the dress for free, blahblahblah...and all i wanted to do is to salvage the dress with something different. arguing and ushing my luck, was out of my dictionary today. i decided to tok to my instructress, and with a fren standing besides me, and before my instructress could continue giving comments, my fren keep on blabbering blabbering (since 7pm when i met her at the seamtress...nonstop yakking about she and herself and her experiences, interrupting me every now and then, bygones) till my instructress when "fine, she is giving u alot of pointers, no need to ask me"
i dazed, and my fren realised and ran off, leaving me myself staring into blankspace
and thinking, y am i being punished for something i din not do? i did not ask for her opinion, i asked for ym instructress's opinion and i din ask her to tok, so y did my instructress walked out on me? when all i earnestly asked for was her opinion?
then i have decided to dropp by the shop tomolo again, (i will call the auntie and stop her from doing anything) after work. and tell her the simplest way to salvage it.

6)dancing at 1030pm: practicing with cousin was okay. i guess. till my fren came and asked us how to do the rumba walk. coz gave his opinion, i gave mine. i disagree with some parts he mentioned. yeh, again, i sounded assertive when i went "i dun think your hips need to go all the way back when moving forward" when i wanted to tok to my fren on my opinion, i cun have the cnahce till i saw my cousin letting her do and try, i just pointed out some of my opinion, then, he further corrected her by showing her, and i just thot one part was not correct, and then he suddenly stormed off, changed out, and walked out of the studio, without a single word. my fren apologised for 2 things she had done. and all i did was started to sit down and think, wat the fuck is wrong with today and me? and i was happily thinking it is just 2 months away from my bday!

from the point i woke up, till i stepped home in tears, with ephraim on the line praying for me, all i thot was i am so tired. i wish today never happened, or bad luck will be gone after i wake up tomolo.
i cun take it, and looking for some1 to tok, yet i found no 1. i have to let ephraim call me, and i thank my gor for listening to me, to all my woes, to all i have to face at work and at home, becuase he bothers to listen, and let me be who i am and giving me tat rare encouragement i needed. thanks gilbert for calling me too. din want to tell u much because u were out..but i appreciated it.
i so wish i dun not have to wear a mask.
i wish i have a shoulder to cry on and lean on.
i so wish the pple closer to me are the ones who let me be who i am, and stop making me think i am immature, i am a trouble maker. i am not, and i am not bad. and i know i am not perfect and i am just trying to be good.

sigh.
life goes on. i din bother to cry out loud, or scream at god.
for i am feeling so tired.

i dun even dare to hope tomolo will be better.

2006-07-25T00:23:00.000+08:00

suddenly i so wish i could continue to dance after the competition
by then i wont have any dance partner

i am aiming for grade A
i dunno why
i want to do all five dances, esp jive and samba!!!

sheesh
i am crazy.

i am so looking for a latin dance partner, who is willing to go all the way to grade
A!!!!!!!!!!

dunno.
sigh.

i must stay positive and have confidence and dance my heart out!
no need to win, but do my best!!!!

2006-07-09T21:52:00.000+08:00

am i just going to fill up the loneliness with aloneness?

i breathe in an air full of pollen,
it tickles.

sitting alone in a row of cinema seats, pple flocked in slowly.
it is still empty
is it the heart, or is it just the empty seats to the wall?

taking the left of the escalator.
i wonder why the hand rail is always slower than the ascending.

2006-06-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

i wondered, when pple started to feel lost, lose faith and lose self-belief. they need a tunnel to let loose, to find an answer, a reason, to many things they question.

i guess, maybe many end up so tired of finding an answer, finding a reason for the cause, that in the end, pple start to give up on finding an answer.

but the pt is, after you have given up, is that the time that shows you have lost hope in the future?? and let life lives to nothingness?
or is it the time when we start to cherish everything we have already at hand, and begin a journey with the past which has taught us so much?

yeh yeh, i am preaching, thinking so highly of myself like i know everything.

but i do not.

but it is still today, i am still searching for an answer.
but i am not bent into looking into me and my possible answers and reasons and conclusions
i learn to let go.
i learn to look at things, maybe simpler, and simply

and u know wat, i will never forget pple who have given me their blessings and their love.
for it is for them, i realised that they are the ones who matter.
they do.

y bother with pple, who took you as just a stop and never turn back.
they took you for a ride and all they paid for, was just one way tic?

sometimes, the world seems cold and heartless, but there are more beautiful things tat await us.

but also it is the coldness, tat will teach us the remainders are indeed beautiful.

2006-06-23T23:40:00.000+08:00

i shant think too much into future

since going onto 30 is nearer though thinking about 13 is much easier,

life goes freaking on!

and i will preserve and not succumb to temptation and fear.

i will not.

fear not my girl.
life has its calling.
so does your life.

life is a living habit. so start having habits. each day will then be life.

2006-06-04T01:07:00.001+08:00

i swear
tat when men are interested in u, they just like to tok in a sweet gentle way to you and goes "yeah...i know...blahblah...y? wat's wrong?" in the gentle, "i will listen to you attentively" tone

and sheesh, they do sound the same!!!!

i am freaking out

hahaha
never mind
maybe i am being too sensitive
but i dunno.

erps
hahahaha
heck!

i cant wait
for something exciting to come
i realise, exciting meaning, more happening pple and stuff
i dun wish to have issues like this!!!
hahaha
it is maddening
esp when pple start to gossip...
sigh!

2006-05-20T01:58:00.000+08:00

hrmm

for i am, and therefore i am.

i dunno if that's a crime, just let it be.

for i am also trying my best, to be who i can be.

2006-04-23T03:17:00.000+08:00

just a random pic of me back from burn the floor. i love it and i am so inspired to dance now! cha cha and samba!!! and haha..i am so going to improve my ballroom! i need a man who will dance with me till i die man! by the way, all pictures are taken by my new panasonic VS6 hp!

2006-04-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

me nephew..haha..i like this pic alot

2006-04-23T03:13:00.000+08:00

and this is her trying to lick her lips...she does tat all the time! so cute!!!! really chases all my blues away....

2006-04-23T03:12:00.000+08:00

this is my niece, marilyn!

2006-04-23T03:10:00.000+08:00

isnt he cute? and dun we look cute together? hahaha

2006-04-23T03:08:00.000+08:00

this is one of the couples for burn the floor! i tell u..the samba and standard section were pretty good! ahahahaha...and hrmm...at the end of the show, the dancers came down running wiht the music running...and dance about... and because of our seats, we were on the 1st row of the section, they danced in front of us!!! then one of the male sexy and hot dancers, came up to me! ahhaha...i gave me a big hug and guess wat? it was super wet! but i think he smells damn good!!!!!....orh man...i am in love... hahahahahhaa......

2006-04-01T03:16:00.000+08:00

"the road less travelled is tough, but its rewards are boundless. you will find who u r and learn to find your way around."

"no one notices the beauty you have, but seek in the nothingness there is in every1.
you are nothing. not good for nothing"

"simplicity is hard to understand, maybe understanding is all yet simple."

"love is something that is found in all. it doesnt belong and will never belong. it jsut it"

"dec snow falls on the meadows, the sight greets me. a blanket of white, a blanket of grey. cold it felt, the hand glows warmer"

i think i have learnt another impt lesson today.
it is so hard for me to come to terms to somethings.
i know i dun have to, or at least, i am not all perfect to accept all terms.
things are indeed in relative.
maybe u r not good enuff to some, but maybe u r just right for others.

may i be found in place where i will be fine.

2006-03-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

hiankai!
thanks for the email!
i appreciated your thots and yeh, thanks for caring and bothering to think through things. apologies accepted and my apologies too!

hope to see u in june!

haha..i am feeling very happy.
think about it, dear hian kai actually cares alot too!
frenships like these are wat i called, able to stand the test of time.

thanks for proving it right with me. =o)

i wanted to blog something really funny.
but i dunno if it is okay

today alvin made me discover something like which also coupled by the book i am reading now by james frey, a million pieces

accepting who u r, no matter wat u r, is the first step to a beginning.

alvin said i am grumpy, then i went y? anything wrong? i am just feeling very vexed.
then he went "no, nothing wrong being grumpy, u r just grumpy"

i started to shut up.
i know i am whining a lot, and i do tat once in a while, but i never realise tat's considered grumpiness.

then i remembered wat alwyn said a yr bakc i think, he said the exact same words.

so does tat mean i am a grumpy person?

i dunno, so i tok to a fren, i asked, if that's a bad thing, like a bad point.
and i started to list the things pple have pointed out
1) stubborn (this is something i have already accepted since my birth)
2) oversensitive (half the time)
3) talkative (this is something well, when i am excited over something...but i do have my silent moments lor......but oh well.i have lived with it since 1 month old)
4) over inquisitive
5) prideful
6) grumpy which is the new addition..

of coz i do have a hell lots of bad points...cant think off hand now
then i started to think, i NEVER think so much till pple say something abt me.
whether good or bad. it is just being me, most of the time.
maybe being a libra is always being on the extremes and trying so hard to strike a balance.
i dunno, i have accepted of who i am, all the time, esp when i am alone.
now i am RELEARNING to accept who i am when in front of others.
yeah and u would say, being u is just being u. wat's with the being alone and with others??
remember, i am oversensitive.
hahaha..

dunno. i guess my heart seems a little calmer.
i din cry over the fact that i have sooooo many bad pts (or i thot they were, since alvin and alwyn din say it is bad?)

i just taken it and stared and then kept quiet.

i used not to think so much of wat pple have to say abt me
i am just me! take it or leave it.
but now, i am taking a softer approach, which means i also get hurt at times.
but oh well.

live and let live.

i think, i will be able to stand tall.
i am just doing what i am doing right?
all is good to me, as long as i have a clear conscience.
tat's all i believe now.

i am a little encouraged at work for at least, i have begun to understand my tray hydraulics alot more and willing to ask more questions...
at least i am doing my job.

and i miss choonie..

2006-03-29T23:08:00.000+08:00

i am so tired.

i dunno what is my dream now?

i find myself lost.

maybe it is just the time of the month.

i am trying to find out who i am, what i can do, what i cant do.

is there anything in this world that i can do?

is there anything in this world that i can fight for?

i am fighting myself, the goddamn irritating feeling.

i cant shake it off.

i am off to read my book.

i shall go make more friends.

i will.

i will just plan the same things i have.

i will believe in what i have to do first.

life is a way of habit, then a life of style, then just life.

2006-03-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

a quiet time has passed.
a time to think has arrived.

i have been dormant for too long

i dunno if i actually loves my job, i would just say,
i am just doing my job.

i need a passion that brings me to realise this is MY life.

and now, circumstances have pushed me, and i shall find MY life.

2006-03-14T00:56:00.000+08:00

i am pretty upset.
though i have anticipated this would happen,
i am really upset.

i am barely into 2 months of dancing partnership with my cousin, and we might just have to separate ways.

coz of personal reason

i am already trying to be nice, and all i said was though i know it is hard, but all i want to state my stand is, i would like to compete ONCE in august and u can break the partnership all u want.

coz this is the chance i can ever have?

and it is a dream.

i dun wish to fly all the way out of singapore, just to fulfil a dream.

maybe i have to..

i guess i am jsut upset
i have guessed it, but never knew it would come so soon.

oh well.
tough luck
i feel like a bloody third party all the time... y?
and oh well..ignore wat i am saying, coz i am just lamenting and rambling.

i just need to fucking bitch about it.
aarrgghh..
my day just gets worse every min.
but never mind, i still have frens ard.

y does it seem to always take a miracle for me?
never mind.
que sera sera, whatever will be will be.
there's just so much for us to see.

2006-03-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

haha..have a gf who is planning to travel usa!
then she kept asking questions.

suddenly i realised, i was in usa almost 1 yr ago

time really flies!
it is already march!!!

i cant even remember wat i did then.

just then, she was aksing how i felt and did when i was in usa.
was i scared, trying to avoid those dark areas, black areas blahblah.

then i suddenly remembered one of those days when i was feeling utterly sad, hurt and on top of all, scared.
yeah. i felt fear so much, tat i actually remembered everything tat happened.
i cant remember the exact name, but i remebered the sequence of events tat i will never forget.
this is because, this is one of the very few times, when i was so tired because i had 2 sleepless nites and all, and i was all alone, in a town i have never heard, never been b4,
without any cellphone nor instantaneous contact to frens/ blahblah, that i felt fear overtaking me.

i was on my way to Illnois, chicago via the greyhound. lijie drove me to the nearest bus station ard purdue, and then, i was totally tired, about to crash in the middle of the day.
then i boarded the bus.
it was almost packed.
and almost packed with big blacks. they were really tall and big!!
i sat beside a white lady, who seems to be studying for her exams to becoming a teacher...i was so tired and i was two hours away from chicago.
it was hard to rest.
at first, they were leaning back, so i was squashed up, and i felt they were like looking at me...so i ignore. and reminded myself, i am not hot enuff for them. which is true. i aint tat hot, to them
i was trying to relax.
it was horrible, i couldnt really sleep.

then finally, we hit the highway and there started to have a jam!
okie, which means we were indeed approaching chicago.
i forced myself to stay awake.
but it took us another 45 mins b4 reaching my dear old chicago.
but tat wasnt the end.
by then, i was hungry, very tired and very exhausted.
all i wanted was a hot bowl of soup (not chicken noodle or italian vege please!!) and a warm bed.
i started to roam the greyhound station and trying to find the amtrak!
yeah. i had to take train up north to meet up with steph and hian kai (also phyllis)
it was almost another 1.5 hrs train ride up.
i was getting super tired, and i kept dozing off on the train. but i cun really sleep, fearing i will miss the stop then my hot bowl of soup and my warm bed!
i was already 7pm.
i finally reached my destination and guess wat,
using the pathetic phone card i have, i called hiankai cell
i told them where i was and tol dthem to pick me up. and all i got was,
"orh, there must be some communication breakdown, you have gotten off the wrong station!"

SHIT!

wat? they told me that stop. it was some lake place.
i was getting panicky
it was getting late, and tat was just random stop, no 1 is ard except for a few cars (coz it was already time to knock off, pple were already driving home from the station).

"then wat!?"

"give me a min, i'll tok to phyllis"

fine, i got off the wrong stop, so am i to board the train again, buy another tic to get on?

"well, okie...tell u, we will go for dinner first, as we have already set off to chinatown, we will pick you up at that station after tat"

"wat?! how long will you guys take? it is getting dark? and i have no idea wher ei am"

"well, since we were on our way out, thinking could pick u up but u are kinda far from us now, so i guess we settle dinner first. go and hunt some food first, we will be there as soon as possible"

my heart stopped.
i was too far away and you were already on your way to have dinner?
god. i am in this stranger place, with nothing but a stupid haversack, and dunno if there is even food, and already dragging a pair of tired feet and a half shut mind, you are telling me to wait till your dinner is done!?

"call us in 1.5 hours time. we will then try to find our way to find u"

fuck...they will try to find their way to me! find their way, how comforting

then, i almost wanted to faint.
i could feel my eyes welling.
i was feeling cold, i was standing in the wind, at the station, making a call with a phonecard which value is depleting badly.

i could do nothing but agreed.

i started to feel so tired, and very very upset.
and suddenly, as the sky darkened, i feel so scared.
i was alone, my frens are happily having dinner elsewhere, while i felt i was stranded on an isolated island.

yeah, i was so tired.
then i decided to call lijie to tell him i have reached my "destination"
and guess what, i have gotten another cold conversation

"orh, so you are there safe"

"yeah, but they cant pick me up until like 2 ohurs later!!! and i dun even know where i am! and they said i alighted the wrong stop!"

"okie, then wait for them to pick you up. what do u expect me to do? you are there already, and safe"

fucked up even more, i have gotten antoher cold pail of water pouring over my already cold body. i am safe? i am bloody alone, and i dun even know wher ei am, and all i got is such cold words from another fren!?

then, i was so hurt, upset, hungry and most of all the mixed emotions, i felt so scared.
i really felt scared.
my frens, din seem to give a shit about where i am, or how i am.
i was bloody tired, and all i got from my frens were "orh, just fend for yourself" kind of attitude and tone.

i slammed down my phone muttering a fine and good bye.
i have looked at the time, it was turning cold, and it was already dark. yes.
it was then i felt so alone, but i told myself, fine.
i will just fend for myself
and it got me pondering.
am i not supposed to feel fear, cant i feel scared?
am i always that all and mighty girl who SHOULD be TAKING CARE of HERSELF at all times?
cant i get even a word of comfort from frens and reassurance at all?
just words themselves will do the work, but no, i didnt feel any warmth, care and concern from my frens. i felt so cold.
i started to walk, trying to find a place to sit and eat and drink
i lost all my appetite.
lucky for me, there was a cafe just around the bend.
there, i actually had to force myself to eat, coz i know, if i dun, and just in case my frens cant find me at all for the nite, i would have nothing else to eat.
the place looks deserted.
it is a small residential town. so everywhere closes by 8.
i walked ard and got bac to the cafe.
i was so tired.
but all i knew was, at this lonely time, i felt nothing but a sense of disppointment.
a sense of lost and felt so hurt. and that was then i told myself, tat i have to depend on no1 for support and reassurance, but myself.
to hell with those frens.
i have decided, to make good use of the nice ambience i had sought at the cafe. i took out my chicago book and tuned to the jazz station i could find on my hp radio.
it worked! and i heard the dj toking abt the blues festival that i had been looking towards too. i felt a sense of hope. and i felt proud of myself to make all my way there to see and feel wat i have always wanted
who needs frens then?

i guess, i was so tired, and i was really angry with my cold hearted frens who thot of nothing but their food and their inability to help.

all i knew was, i just hhave to make the best out of wat i have

sadly, it was turning 9pm.
after making the last call i could make b4 my phonecard died on me, the cafe was about to close.
i started to walk ard. it was getting colder and quieter.
and i have decided to let God decide my fate. i just told god, i just pray nothing happens to me, and my mum will not have to see my corpse.
u think i was overly paranoid, but i guess i have to prepare for the worst and pray for the best.
i knew there was a petrol station so i knew if anything hhappens i just have to ask for some kind of motel direction and stay for the nite. they have no way they can contact me, and all i can do is sit and wait.
i have given them my location, the cafe near the train station.
i sat quiet outside the cafe, al fresco, wathcing the cars passing by.
i was lucky i was pretty well covered, as i was like hiding in the dark.
a nice chap came up and asked if i was all right, and all i did was smile back saying, my frens are picking me up.

i still feel really scared.
but i felt pple were frenly.
though i knew, he was a wanderer, homeless, cycling up and down the street.
i started to appreciate the serenity tat little town brought.
and all i did was stare into blank space.
i was too tired to think, and too tired.
by then, fear left me.
all was left, was a tired body, with a drained mind.
i started looking at the clock of my hp.
i told myself.
by 1am, as it turned 11pm. if phyllis and steph cun find me, i am jsut going to walk over to petrol station and ask for phonoecard and direction to a motel.
to hell with it, i just need a bed and a roof over my head.
i was so hungry as i din even finish my muffin.
as i saw the man who waved hi to me came back, it turn 1130pm
time din seem to like to fly then
all i did was started to count the number of white cars that drove past.

well i lost count.
just then, i saw a huge car pulled up, with my name being shouted.
stephanie.
ah.. so they have finally FOUND me.
watever.
i was too dazed and tired.
stephanie and phyllis started to fuss about me being out alone in the strange place for so long.
and all i could think was, i just want to sleep.
i barely tok.
i was just too tired.

by then, all i did was mutter a thanks to God, thanking him that my mum may still have a chance to see an alive huihui.

tat incident brought many things into light, and taught me alot of things.
i remembered how my mum din even bother to caht with me much while i was in usa, din seem to care, yet when she knew i was cold, all she did was tell my sister to inform me, "just buy those thicker clothes, dun worry about the cash, pay by credit card..."

and tat gave me warmth.

i guess, sometimes, you are really to fend for yourself.
no1, not even frens or family, can look out for you.
and then it was when i promised myself, at least share a word of encouragment and care and concern for those who feel scared when ever possible.

maybe, maybe those who seem strong din need it, but when they already have cried for help, at least give them a word of reassurance.
it helps to warm up the tired soul.

i realised, i like being alone, and i started to realise, how much expectations could bring about my strong disappointments. i learn tat, concern is not something we should expect, it is something we give all the time.

2006-03-05T00:44:00.000+08:00

free
(Corrinne May)

I see the morning glory
It winds upon the tree
It tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
You saw the universe
Caught up in desperate dreams
You came and changed the ending
Changed it to save my fate
You led the revolution
You left your legacy
Embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
I know I'm not alone in this
Help me believe

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

It's still the same old story
This great divide
Between the want and waste
And all the hunger inside
I heard the news today
Now I'm trying to find my place
I'm just a single voice
What can I do to erase

All this misunderstanding
All this anarchy
Six degrees of separation
Sometimes it's so hard to see
That we are not alone in this
I need to believe

I can be free
I can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
Help me to see
Everything fall into place
Wake me from dreaming
No more deceiving
Break these chains

LET IT GO
Corrinne May

I think we've been here before
I recognize this place
I've seen the marks of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace
And I don't want to play anymore
Not when the stakes are so high
So before we circle round once more
I'm gonna lay down,
Lay down my pride

Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go

I turn on the TV
and it screams out at me
Nothing seems to have changed
since the start of Adam and Eve
So we're waiting for the sky to fall
and we're buying brand new toys
But before we circle round once more
Can we lay down
Just lay down this pride

Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go
Don't go wasting your emotions
No one wins if we keep score
Let it go, let it be
Let it go

these are my favs from the album. actually most of them are so fantastic.
i wish i could fly to LA right now to hear her live.
sometimes, u need some kind of soul music, music that sings to your soul, not just ur ears.

2006-03-03T00:40:00.000+08:00

i pray that my dreams will not be lost.

i pray that i will keep sane

i pray that i will indeed be alive till i know it is time to go

i pray that i will love and open my heart again

i pray that i will just learn to let go

i pray that i am able to think straight when time arises

2006-03-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

i really really dislike the way i am now, at this moment.

i am trying so hard to encourage myself not to be like this.
and i dunno wat's "like this" but it is getting me very upset, very upset

i keep telling myself, that the world doesnt have time to be against me.
it is i who am against the world and i dun want to be against the world
coz i am peace loving.

then i realised, i am having issues with myself.

i jsut wish i can walk out of this bad bad dream
i am trying to stop.
stop myself completely.
i am trying so hard to encourage myself
it is okie that i am like this, just improve lor.
but i duno y, i get brought down so easily.
i cant motivate myself anymore.

yet i am trying so hard to undo those "i cant" in negative sense and do those "i can" in positive sense.

i never really blame pple, unless i am bitching, coz i know deep down, pple, sometimes may be insensitive, but most of the time, they are harmless.
y can't i show the same kind of forgivness, on myself?

where is the "understand pple, understand urself" motto in my life?
where is the "u either fight it or let it go" spirit?

where is the "every1 doesnt mean harm, only you think too much" voice?

i must stop the "y do my worth seems worthless in front of others"
i must stop the "y cant i do something right"

there's nothing wrong with things and pple.
really. it is just you and your perception.

and there is nothing wrong with me.

and i will always bear that "you are your worst critic"

yesh i am. i am always a good/harsh critic, but i should never let that bring myself down, even others.
i will try my best not to.

i do not want to see myself, dead, by falling off the building.
life takes a long time to form, and thus, i shant end it within seconds
like wat maya says.

2006-02-28T20:01:00.000+08:00

so sian

and i realised, my pms is about to bring me to my own death bed.

i think, it is time to find something tat can supress those hormones.

really, i fear one day, i will really go and bang my head against the wall

argh...going off to dance now...

2006-02-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

can i actually be with some1 who loves me? yet i dun feel much?

and can i actually, turn gay just because i have no man and be emotionally attached to a woman?

can i forget a love i thot i could have?

i wonder

i dun wish to marry a closet gay, it's way tooooooo sad
and u wonder if he actually loves u?

but i realised i dun have to worry about it now!
hahaha.. no man after me to make me worry on that!
hahaha.

i love my purple necklace
i need a yellow ring
i want to ward off evil at the office!!!!!

i miss u alot leh.
how?
u tell me wat to do?
sigh.
i have a weird dream
actually, i had 2 weird dreams.
it is so harsh on me, that i woke up, and feel sad
really sad

it is like something tat i am so addicted, suddenly, leave me, and never never comes back.
how am i to deal with this loss?
and y do i cant live without it?
i should be able to forgo its presence, but apparently i am not.

sometimes, i really hate myself for tat.

2006-02-22T00:12:00.000+08:00

i think i am really going to jump one day, if this goes on.

everytime i have PMS, i get really depressed.

really depressed.

does anyone experience such issue?

it seems that everytime i get depressed, i feel no 1 understands and no i actually wants to listen.
because i am too bitchy?
but others are bitchy too. yet i cant be bitchy.
when i am depressed, which is for a week, i just lament and lament.
yet i cant be myself
it is WRONG being who i am, bitching.
i am bitching again right?

i find tat i just have to swallow everything again.
swallow.
gulp

want to lament, gulp!
start to lament, slap!

2006-02-21T00:19:00.000+08:00

give me a chance, once more,

to trust u again.

give me another heart, once more,

to love u again.

give me a time, once more,

to relive it again.

2006-02-20T00:19:00.000+08:00

maybe i think love, those i cant live without u love does exist

does it?

can i love in such a way, i knew, i will love and sacrifice?

the ending to sex and the city got me thinking.

i cant leave without some pple, they are so precious to me
yet i have to let some pple go.
the funny thing is,
sometimes when u love them too much, u have to let them go.

queer

2006-02-12T03:26:00.000+08:00

i miss my baby....hhahaha
YEH...it's you alwyn tan! tis is becos i have felt something so strong and
tell u wat, after your projects/ exams, i will, regardless of how your parents will view me, i will bunk over for a movie. hrmm....hahaha..things like this, i actually cant be bothered when i was younger..or would i? the stupid things u do wiht your good frens....hrmmmmm.....

anyhow, here i am thinking of something after watching sex n the city

y do i have some1 i am totally attracted to, hrmm.. as i will always tell jo,
the "i have fallen in love with PM" which is a completely lunatic idea to start with.

i admit, i am completely attracted to this leo.
he's tall, kind of good looking and very hrmm...would say, with things to say.
he and i will always, if i ever take the bus, tell me anything and everything of his working day.
ah.
yeah and we work closely together, just like my eye candy.

and i even, think of his arms, wrapping ard me.
yesh...i have fantasised about the PM.
and throw my head to the wall.

as i have already mentioned, the "i have fallen in love with PM" seems just weird.
i refused, and i repeat, i refuse to let myelf really fall in love wiht him
i am falling in love wiht a feeling, as i loosely quote myself.
he's 30, and yeah, the men i am getting myself invovled are getting older and older.
but it is this mental thingy that evolves ard me and him.
and i cant take it anymore.
he is so refreshingly different.
he knows his work, he knows how to work ard it and he is really good at it.
and he is, i would say, getting married.
and now, seriously, throw me to the wall.

this "i have fallen in love with PM" just has to come into my life, and set me to focus on my work more.
yesh God, i get your point. dun stray and stay focused....i get your point completely!
but dun send some1 like him!!!!!
but i do admire myself alot. i work with him in almost every single project i pass down. just almost like my eye candy. and i stil can stay focused, and nothing but work.
and damn, dun i just hate my job?
oh well...at lesat now i have some1 on the 1st level and 2nd level to make myself happy/upset if i ever want to.
for your info, i am on 3rd, the "i have fallen in love wiht PM" is on 2nd and eye candy is on first.

and sometimes, life just has to make fun of u. poking u with tons of silly things.
just as u dun wish, or dun even think about it, or u know, dun try too hard, eye cnady just pops and sits right behind u, back facing back, with me poking fun of him being fat, coz i cun get out of my chair.

life.
when it comes, it usu comes more than one.
and it sometimes is more than a couple.

and further more, with men, the mroe u ignore them, the more they are attracted to you.
bingo.

they naturally, just want your attention. and tat could be just my intention.
*wink*.
damn, am i just crazy or wat?

i dun wish jo to quote the same thing back at me.
"u need a serious bf or a good old fling, outside the office"

coz seriously babe, we dun. we just need LOVE... hahahaha...
yeah..happy valentine's in advance.

2006-02-06T00:47:00.000+08:00

just went out with stephie dearie

haha...
and we were just like walking, cahtting, eating and drinking
okie.
we were trying to save some money
but sheesh..

somehow, there i was on the train, focusing on my book and jazz music,
i cant help but noticed, the whole car full of indians.
really
where to find the men?
hahaha...and there were we, sitting outside borders at coffee bean, alfresco style,
we saw men walking past.
typical singaporean men i suppose, n we felt alittle disappointed.
dunno, and all i know is i am going to catch mad about ballroom!
hahaha

hrmm...feeling alittle more focus and encouraging myself everyday, like complimenting myself on getting out of bed, to cousin's house to soak (rather than swim but the fact i have made it to her house has indeed become an achievement) and chit chatted with her. promise to go shopping together! maybe we will hunt for bobbi brown makeup heh. also, encouraing myself tat i am staying focused at work and life.
taking life alittle slower and enjoying the private time i have now.
though it is bed time, i am just doing things i wish to do.

then i was thinking about, r/s.
then it hit me again.
a bgr is a bonus, without it, life is the same as i have thot it to be.

then i realised, how interesting, that i have avoided many "matchmaking" sessions and even, completely ignoring stranger's approaches.
tat's me.
sue me. ha
becoz, if i feel u r the guy, u will be. dun try too hard to impress me.
i can sense and feel.
so if u r the guy, u will be.

when i am in love, i am, and i will know when to follow my heart.
so dun have to try too hard la.
i am jsut like a mountain, and if u can move me, u r something special in my eyes.
get it?
if not, hahaha..hrmm..

anyhow, i am so crazy about resume writing and trying to find means to find out more about investments.
time to sit infront of computer to surf! broadband is coming!!!!
and getting a new hp and signing up singtel!!! i have cheap rates!yippeeeeee....
but i will still retain my M1 line. any1 still can reach me la.
=o)

2006-02-05T00:28:00.000+08:00

there i was watching the 5th season of sex and the city

it was again on the issue of old maids, spinsters and yeah, y are men always branded the bachelors and playboys?

time might have changed, and pple are indeed as capricious as the weather now but have we started to learn to stop believing?

it is like carrie who were only betting on her gal frens when she started to turn cynical about relationships and marriages, or even a male companion (who u love) to come and appear and tada! u get hitched!

it is like wat i have thot when i was sec school, that i knew if the singles club were to last, how are we to pull it through when every1 else might start to get off the road and stop at a homely destination?

do pple realy change in their opinions?
have pple learnt only to be more pessimistic than optimistic?
are we losing the sense of hope to anything and everything?

life is a gamble.
you have to take risk to know if it was worth it.
but even u have gambled and risked it, wat's left?
or maybe, optimistically, wat's next?
fear?

citing an example, i have never thot i would not have fear over small things.
i was taking mrt and was on my way on the gantry, tapping my card over the sensor, just walking through, and to my little expectation, the gates closed on me!
ouch! and it hurt alot.

then again, i have always this fear of having the gate closing on my legs.
i would shudder when ever i tap my card and walk through the gantry.
it struck me one day. just one bad experience that lasted for 2 seconds, has its scars in me for months.

is that wat life is all about?
gamble, risking, losing, fearing.
or gamble risking losing and gamble once again?

it is just like a pill.
or rather, the fear of getting hooked to a pill
any kind of medicine?
has the potion tat eradicated the fear becomes extinct?
does that mean that we do not want to step out further anymore after we have risked some?
i dunno.
really.

it was only 3 days ago, i thot to myself that i din want to post any more entries to this blog. i would rather had my post else where where no on really knows me.
it doesnt really matter that if my frens even bother to log in and read.
but i realised, that frens logging in to read my blog has mattered to me so much, that i felt hurt and feared that in the end, no frens even bothered to read.

and today, i told myself. if u r posting just because u r writing your thots, there is no fear of no 1 is reading.
ur aim of blogging, is to put your thots down, and whether there's pple reading them, tat's another matter. it has nothing to do with putting thots down?

and again, i might be just lying to myself and through my teeth.
my heart and mind might beg to differ.

so is there any mroe chance to believe and believe that though nothing is perfect, but things can be still beautiful?
have i started to become so cynical about life and pple around me that i ahve started to shut myself up frantically, to remove any pain i THOT will penetrate?

i think those pains, are self inflicting, and not induced.
how pathetic.

on a sat afternoon, sitting at my working desk at work, i felt a very strong sense of focus and strength from nowhere, and started to finish my work bit by bit.
though i know i might be frantically trying to complete everything on monday by 1pm, i jsut tell myself, it doesnt matter how much u will drive urself crazy on monday,
wat's important is, doing wat you can finish and do it well NOW!
tat matters the most.
it is the now i ahve to see, and spend that effort thinking on how to solve the situation rahter than wasting tat time and brain cells worrying over something that u cant worry about, or you have inflicted to happen!

it drove me further, and tougher.
it drove me really high.
really high.

i might not be really crazy about work and is starting to read about resume writing.
though i know there's so much to life, i felt, there's always time for everything.
and i have to make time for everything. and in the context, everyhting refers to things that matter to me now and how it will matter ot me in the future.
but as for the current situation, i will rather think of wat really matters to me now.

we cant be forever youthful, but we can be forever beautiful.
it isnt about the superficial beauty like how that guy would put it through the sms to me, trying so hard to get me to meet his eligible 30 year old colleague,
it is the beauty that i am emitting that i wish pple wold see.
but i am no longer hoping for such appreciation, it is mroe like wat matters to me now is i am learning to let it pass and no longer "me" me

it is time like this, you chill.
it is time like this, you will always start telling your fren "hey, i think u r thinking too much and it is time you should sleep"

yeah, and maybe i am going to do the same to myself w/o any1 telling me or reminding me or shooing me to bed.
however, i am just stepping ahead b4 any1, including myself, to learn to appreciate.
appreciate the time i have sitting and writing. sitting amd watching tv.
sitting and reading how to write an extraordinary ad about yourself.

time is already ticking past me.
and one thing i have found out,
i am never fearing to tell pple my age, my weight.
thoguh i am only turning 24, and no matter how much i "drag" knowing the fact i am turning 24, i am indeed 24. i only care wat i can make to make best use of my 24.

it is good tat i lament turning 24 without any success in anything in life.
coz i am getting sick of my lamentation and beginning to do something out of it.
if i never start to believe, if i never start to hope and i never start to gamble and risk, if i never start to step out and feel the love, i will always spend the time whining, and whining and whining, and get fat and plain stupid.

good nite my frens for who u r under the star lit sky.
as always, see u once again when the sun rises.

2006-02-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

farewell my fren.

i do hate myself.

2006-01-31T22:51:00.000+08:00

i have felt more like myself for the past 3 days.

maybe it is just a feeling, but though short, i wish i can maintain it

there i was, sitting, and listening, and felt the power of listening.

it did not just aid me into understanding into certain things, analysing certain issues, but also, helping others indiredctly, to telling their side of story, allowing them a chance, to reaffirm their beliefs or air their queries aloud.

maybe it is a give and take issue or situation. maybe it is just way of life. maybe it is a chance upon to make conversation amongst a group of pple. maybe it is just to chill out and enjoy.

maybe all the different perceptions to different kind of pple, arrived to various actions and reactions, but who cares, if it has satisfied individual thirst respectively, i guessed, it might have just done its effect well, regardless the way or how.

watever, i guess it is time to sleep.

the purpose of life, in huihui's sense, is constantly searching.
maybe i have hit the lows of my life, maybe i have my highs somewhere, the only thing i must constantly remind myself, is tat i am indeed a lucky and blessed soul.
even sometimes i may find life purposeless and meaningless, but given a chance to breathe the next moment, maybe find its purpose into me.

sometimes i will forget all these teachings, all these understandings, but as long as i am strong enuff to get by, i am sure, it will become a habit, and soon a way of life.

again, i stress that i am not preaching, i am just voicing wat i think about my life, and wat i can do.
there's always so much one can do, though we never know our own limits to preform betterw/worse, ntohing in this world works as much as if u can get inspirations from others and being inspiration to tohers.
u can be special in your own way.

2006-01-30T01:13:00.000+08:00

happy lunar new year!
and no, being more dressy or "sexy" is not because i am attached.
tat's wat always happened during cny relative gathering,
"got bf ah! dress so nice nice and sexy.....got right"
when upright i have already said no, but have to back up, literally coz of the strong and upfront "accusation" hahaha.... but seriously, u dress up for urself, not for others.
there's this song that goes "i feel good...."

i am at an interesting crossroad.

heck it

would i burn out?
i love it being left alone, me alone! but not alone with my eye candy, i will be in hype tension mode oops... hahaha...havent felt like a little girl, sitting with her fav candy in hand. hahahaha..howhow? he said "u tok too fas"
but u cant expect me to explain that it is becuase he makes my heart race? hahaha thus my machine gun words? so i blabber that i speak to locals faster than i should. hahaha...though he is indonesian himself. hahaha
but shit, y does he comment that i am tanner than him?!!?!? but he has the smile that makes me melt and he is 27 who doesnt look like it. younger definitely. gosh and he is learned! he reads so widely and i am completely impressed! and well almost swept off my feet! he is calm and is seeking stability.
and wants to travel to europe... sigh...i wanna to see him again... hahahaha..thinking of him makes me happy hahahaha...gosh.. i have never felt like this for a long long time!!!!!! hahaha... i am not in love, bleah! but stupidly i went " so u r a malay christian, so u can eat pork?"
"i think so"
shit. hahaha..and he goes "u r like her, like to tok to urself..."

sigh.
all my bad habits are shown to him so early...how? hahahaha....dun even know if he is attached? sigh..doubt he is la..but sigh...my eye candy is good to see, cant eat one....

i am such a bitch

anyhow, just went dancing... mad right? coz cousin has this urge and we had the access to the key to studio so we went. pretty random and well good!
the whole dance studio to u and him. so u dance
one thing is, u bochap la, dance watever u want

okay, lets get into the "write-proper-english" mode

i cant stand it when some commented on my language power. i wont say i have a strong language foundation, but it isnt all that bad.
give this girl some credit. allright, i cant write long sentences. however, it isnt all about the long sentences?

maybe i am just not linguistic enough. as i have always thought, the harder i have to try to improve it, i am just being plain un-linguistic. by reading widely never seemed to apply to me. maybe i read too much philophoshy books which love ot go in circles or use way too much bombastic words which confuse me. actually, as i read more, i felt the flow of words on the whole matters more than being grammatically correct.
or rather, i just cant write the english way? literally, i just not great, not lousy.
i love to write in circles.
but when it comes to work, i will really prefer to write in clear and logical manner.
and i do mean point form in complete sentences.

that sentence must have seriously irate me. it was too insulting that no 1 could bear, yet others have to rub it in. if encouragement was only meant to come from e soft hearted or e kind hearted, most humans arent as noble as i have thought.
if that meant only as a joke, i would really be too sensitive and have acted upon too fast to turn angry, than to laugh it off.

to the hell with that then.
i must only remember, i will learn things at MY pace and at MY comfort.
it may sound so individualistic that it becomes self-centred. however, i was given no choice, to give thyself a chance to stand for what i will believe, at least in myself.

am i to take dance competition soon? apparently, as i have rejected one guy fren to be my partner, i have seemed to find another. rejection isnt because he is not good enough, but i felt we have personality clashes. we cant seem to dance one dance for long and always ended up dancing with some other pple.
i dun feel any communication going through at all while dancing, thus i felt, that strong difference will hinder ourselves and land into the angry and bottling stage, which i have actually felt b4. felt it was better not to spoil the frenship based on our already differences.

the supposedly dance partner turns out to be my cousin. which such i wish we will not spoil the cousinhood! hahaha...
but one thing y i felt it was comfortable dancing with cousin liwei is, we seem to be able to take each other's critisims and are always open to receive each other's comments, because we know some of our own weaknesses and depend on each other on the blind spots. but most of the time, i will be looking at my cousin with a cheeky look and giggle. ahhaha... tat's during technique class la.
sheesh..i wonder how it will turn out if we really compete.
the weirdest thing is, alot of pple have told us we suit to be partners because of our body and height proportion. hrmmm....
oh well...things will come. yawn
bed time! and lalalala...i hate my ezcema!!!

2006-01-28T01:50:00.000+08:00

while listening to corraine may, i discovered something.
i found out the beauty of music and earphones
hahahaha

i work much better with that.
seriously!

heck it

i hate work when pple have nothing but tons of comments on you.
f**k and just do your own work la.

sheesh.

2006-01-27T00:43:00.000+08:00

the only thing that keeps me sane
are my jc frens.

i always feel so comfortable and at ease and myself with the voiddeckers

totally at ease, it is a kind of happiness, that one cant realy describe
like, no matter how bitchy u r, or how unhappy u r, or how stressed u r,
as long as u r there, they just chase it away, listen to u and accept who u r.
coz they just do.

i love them and i always love chilling out with them, to tok nothing but stupid things!

if tat is called childish, i think u r the childish one. tat's called happiness

life becomes so simple, so so simple, n just pure bliss ard them.

thank you and love ya lots!

2006-01-22T02:16:00.000+08:00

sitting here in front of the laptop, got me thinking of how this world has evolved, how communication is possible, to the darkest places on earth.

queer.
can any1 living in the major cities, surviving without emails, hp, internet?

i wonder how accessibility could bring about the closeness of pple?
i used ot think, it sucks, with just nothing but words and words typing across this puny screen, and how much feelings can be related by this invisibile line of communication?

ah.
there i have it, a long sentence of words, i will be condenmed by my english teacher.
then again, school is not part of my life now.
it was, it may be in the future but not now.

however, i have under estimated the power of communication. invisible communication.
maybe i have got to know you better, or even faster, but can i feel deeper, and stronger?

vertical, horizontal and diagonal, who knows wat is the 3 d image bring about?

if all is in your mind, could i transcend the communication, or even feelings to know it?

listening to lady sings the blues, i dun deny the fact that blues are depressing but i kind of enjoy it, not because it is depressing, but the genre has evoked a kind of charm and character, that no music can in me. it reminds me to flow, flow with life.
it tells me to chill, and not think so much. it sings to me the lullbly of the nite that sets the mood right, that i care nothing anymore all the negativity i had in the day.

the attitude towards the invisible communication has changed so drastically with the rise and set of sun.
i hate it
and yet i adore it

then i realise, this invisible mode of communication isnt any indications to life, love, emotions, but just a carrier of the above. maybe it is reflection how the progress of society, of technology, and lifestyle, but it is never the spokesman of the life one can achieve or attain through soul and heart.

maybe to a small group of pple who constantly work their heart out to enhance, breakthrough in this field, tat passion is definitely unstoppable and unextinguishable. but can it determine ones' definition and purpose and being out of their world and stay with the pple and not the hardware?

is this carrier the means to know pple, who love it, or it is just a mode to know pple better?

i am indeed getting confused.

maybe i am in no position

just like, i love dancing, and dancing is only a means to know pple better, not a means to know pple who love it.
maybe u can click better wiht pple who appreciate it, but i think wat matters the most, is pple appreciate u loving it, without their knowledge of dance.

i think there's a major differene with all that.
being recognised for who u r, and being recognised for wat u love, just because u r on the same boat.
exclusivity seems prevalent in this society more.
i guess tolerance has started to thin out centuries ago.
wat's left, seems like a thin piece of paper, soaked in oil, ready ot set fire.

2006-01-22T00:13:00.000+08:00

haha...my gor is saying i am not updating my blog
coz i have been working working and working the whole of this week

really
it is the most hectic and most stressful week i've ever had in this 5 months of work

i have to OT till late or had a meeting till 8pm which lasted for 5.5 hrs
could u believe it?

i mean it is okie, but it was tiring
and mentally stressful on me
it doesnt feel good having pple to breathe down your neck.
and give me a break...i am trying my best with only 5 months of experience on a proper handling of an ordered project.

and i am also down with urgent projects
EVERYTHING SEEMS impt
but in fact,
they just want u to submit a quote, start scolding you for something u din mean to happen.
humans

sigh...
dunno
it is just weird...really weird

but then again, it brought me to the fact tat, am i even suitable for this job?

sigh

hrmmm

BRRRRRRR

but i think i love teasing my niece, and she is so cute.
all she does, at the age of 3 months, talk gibberish to you.
so cute!
i tell u, tat makes me happy.
and also realised, i am not ready to be a mother
hahahahahahaha

2006-01-13T22:12:00.000+08:00

work got me down then got me HIGH!
hahah

and i have found out wat kind of guys i am in love with
workaholics

hahaha

REALLY!!!!!!
hahahahahaha

i cant believe myself
workaholics....

and i am going to be one too
right
hahahaha
life is sooo hectic! shit man! howhowhowhow?

anyhow... i have decided to read a book again ah!
oh bother
damn...i am getting so tired..
rain rain go away!!!!!
it has been raining 7 days in a row..or more?
sheesh..it gets really cold at nite! brrr
reminds me of the days in usa
brrr

i miss something so terribly and i dunno wat it is again!
arghargh..
now i simply enjoy a bowl of yong tau foo.
as always, it is such a pleasure, i am in zen land.

there i was watching the drama serial with alex toh in it! haha i think he looks just damn sexy...damn it, i do have the hots for sexy men.
and i actually spent 1 hr trying to unravel my stupidity on 4 pass trays with my eye candy. but then again, it wasnt really stupid, just happened to be unlucky! argh...

anyhow, to fear the coming of CNY, and nope i do not fear pple asking me "got bf or not?" coz i heck it hahaha though my cousins have bf/gf (my age eh), but the fact is i am another month nearer to turning 24!!!!!
YUCKS and damn it hahaha
i do have fetish for cute boys with great smiles, okie.i click well with younger men
and i dunno y hahaha..luckily my eye candy is older, i think..

anyway, i think work is getting really interesting.
i hate it when i have to LEARN NEW THINGS when i am being PRESSED FOR TIME
hrmm..but as i have said, it got me down then got me high!!!

sigh, i think, it is very upsetting when ur boss kept mentioning some seniors' name
i mean, sigh, c'mon, i am not her!!!!
it gets very discouraging and pressurising. i dunno. i am challenging myself, not her? dot dot dot

anyhow, i am not really bothered by such anymore, i just want to understand things better.. sigh. i wish i can learn more quicker and then maybe siam to somewhere else!!!!
going to read my book and read newspapers
dum dee dum

2006-01-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

wah...today finally got the rumba walk backwards
hahahha
FINALLY

and i realised, i can only be led into jive and samba
hahahaha

i cant follow shit for rumba and chacha (mostly rumba)
hahaha
damn i need a fixed partner!!!!!!
oh at least some1 who is willing to teach me
bleah!

sigh
i think i can sense myself improving...finally, on a personal basis
but i am not improving when comes to following lead..
sigh

anyhow.
i wanna fall in love with the impossible!
like i always do!
hahahahahahaha
i am so tired.
i need the bed...
TUCK IN TIGHT!

2006-01-06T00:12:00.000+08:00

just feeling very dazed.
i wonder.
it is today when i felt i understood alot more than i did almost 5 months back

yesh. i am going to work for 5 months.

and i am turning 24 this year.
damn, dun i feel old at all?
just like today, i was chit chatting with this guy whom i thot was at least 23, he turned out to be just 21 (yr 1) in nus, who is pretty good at ballroom dancing.
gosh. can u imagine he is like 2-3 yrs younger?!?!?!?!

sheesh. i am more determined to do something and fulfil my dreams.

also i was just toking to 2 colleagues.

men : women is 1:3.
then out of which, 1/3 of the men are gay.
thus men: women for marriage 1:6
gosh...i think i told my fren
see how we are going to lead into self destruction?
either we manuipiate the sex of the fertilised egg, or we have to go to sperm bank and ensure there are enuff children for the world to continue.
then she shot back saying:" by then we are already dead, who cares!?"
haha i luffed, saying, then u wanna die lonely/sexless?
she goes, hrmm tat's a thot...then she started to luff.
maybe not die as a virgin but at least try not to be too lonely.

now, is there a calling for more matchmaking services?
how abt those who maybe dun want to get married but want to have kids?
i have frens like this.
i have frens who cant even be bothered at all. single is all and good.

i wonder, where's our sense of nature, basic survival skill? procreation?
has that gone as a taboo? like, so u have a family, i dun, i'm cool u know?
has singlehood become a social stigma or fad?
to some, it doenst matter, it isnt their life or calling. i understand
but some, for the sick of not wanting to succumb to marriage, just remain where they stand.
maybe u say i am pot calling the kettle black, coz i am rather fine being single, but i do want a family, wanting to marry for love, to have that family with the man i love and i know he does too.
is tat over romanticism?
is that all wat we call the fairy tale that never happens?

sometimes, a social fad could lead to a permanent damage on social structure and direction.
however, the more we just desires to rebel to it, rebel to social normalisation, more damages will be caused? or could we make a better path for the tomorrow?
would society change just due to rebellions? or just painfully transforming to survive? for example, could we be anti main stream and create a new society our selves? for example, practicing more than just polygamy? as long as any1 can get pregnant and can procreate, u just do tat?
or transforming by using science like invitro, stem cells, changing genes to get the sex of baby, seminate the egg at the correct time, removing chromosone X and insert XY instead. blahblah, is tat the transformation we have to adopt? using more destructive methods to counterattack the already destructive ones?
gosh.

okie i need to go bed. i dunno wat i am toking abt... i need to sleep
from something close to heart, i have spun an essay out of it.
i suck at this actually

watever.
i tok too much remmeber?
so i ramble online.
yeah.
so, SUE ME!
BLEAH